Molly Ryan - A Real Disaster

Stumbling up from my bed, I shuffled to the window and looked down.

Though the shadows were thick, I could make out Nash’s profile in the soft light of the flashlight he was holding. He looked serious as he motioned me downstairs.

Jesus.

I hadn’t seen or talked to him for a while, but at three in morning he’s bothering me?

The pebbles didn’t stop. I finally grabbed my robe and as I left the dorm room I couldn’t help but wonder how Nash managed to stay under my window without getting caught. Security patrolled the dorms at night and yet they didn’t catch him.

Frowning, I pulled the robe closer to my body and went down the stairs and outside. My feet were cold even in the slippers that covered them and the crisp air slithered under my robe, sending shivers through my body.

“Hey there,” Nash whispered as I got closer to him. “Did I wake you?”

His cocky grin proved that he knew he woke me.

“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get back to bed. I have a test tomorrow.”

Nash frowned and dug his hands in his pockets.

“I wanted to talk,” he mumbled and I rolled my eyes.

“Why? Why do you want to talk? I don’t think we have much, if anything, to talk about... You made yourself very clear last time we talked.”

And by kissing that girl…

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Lily… I came here to apologize. I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. I was…. Well, freaked out, majorly.”

“You think?” I hissed. “I think you did more than freak out.”

Nash nodded.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I should have never said what I said. I… I just fucking miss you okay?”

Miss me? He missed me?

“Y-You miss me?” I stuttered.

He nodded.

“Yeah, I miss you. I miss you a lot actually. I miss hanging out with you and seeing you. I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on with you.”

“Why do you care? Last time I checked, you thought I was clingy and needy.”

“I didn’t mean that shit. You make me laugh and think about things that I used to never think about. You don’t fall at my feet like all of these girls; you challenge me and push against me every chance you get.”

I found myself smiling anyway.

What the hell? How can he have this effect on me?

I should have turned him away. I should have told him that I never wanted to speak to him again but the words just wouldn’t come.

“Well, what if I don’t care about any of that? What if I don’t give a flying fuck about how you feel or what you think?”

“Well-”

“You hurt me Nash. You discarded me like I was trash and didn’t give me a second glance. You-”

I clamped my mouth shut, biting my tongue. I was about to tell Nash something that I didn’t even realize until that moment. I was about to tell Nash that he broke my heart. He broke my heart.

I hung out with him only a few times and he already broke my heart? I couldn’t help it.

“You what?”

“Nothing,” I muttered. “Never mind.”

“No, Lily, tell me,” Nash pushed.

He brushed my arm, leaving a row of tingles. Suddenly, in the dark, I heard the rustling of leaves and heavy footsteps. By the time I turned, the security guard was standing in front of us, tapping his foot on the ground.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I  just had to speak to her and it couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait.”

“Well no student is allowed to be out this late on school grounds, it’s school policy. We don’t want anything to happen to anyone.”

“I’ll get back inside…” I mumbled.

Nash grabbed my arm before I could move.

“Lily-”

“I need time, Nash,” I said. “I know that you don’t want to hear it but just give me some time.”

“Lily…”

Nash dropped his hand, shuffling back to give me ample room to move.

“Shit. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Without another glance at Nash, I schlepped through the leaves back into the building. My hands were numb but not as numb as my heart.

Slipping through the door, I was relieved to see that Sabrina was still fast asleep. Climbing back into my own bed, I pulled the covers up, tucking them under my chin, and closed my eyes. A part of me wanted to look out the window and see if Nash was still there, waiting for me. I wanted to know whether he meant what he said and if he really regretted everything that happened. I should have asked him about the girl. I’m sure there was more than one.

But another part of me, a stronger part of me, didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me with a bad attitude and kissing other girls. If he wanted to be with me he would have to show me.

Though I doubt that will happen.

Despite what he said, I didn’t believe that Nash was the type of guy to come back crawling, begging for forgiveness. He thought he was too good for something like that. That was the last thought I had before I found myself in the deep black orb of sleep.

“Morning sunshine!” I turned my head and groaned as I saw Nash leaning up against the wall of my dorm building.

He wasn’t going to give up.

After the night before, I figured Nash would get the hint. He would sink away, leave me alone and go do whatever he needed to do. I should have known that I was absolutely, one hundred percent, going to be wrong. I should have realized that Nash doesn’t give up on anything.

“How did you sleep last night?”

“Like shit, actually.”

He had a cheesy grin all over his face.

“So… Are you ready for your test?”

In truth, I wasn’t even thinking about the test. All I could think of was Nash’s visit and his admission. But the big questions were…Was he being serious? Did he really mean those things or was it just something he said to get into my pants?

“Do you want some coffee before the test? Maybe a little breakfast?”

“No thank you, I’ll be fine.”

“Without some breakfast or at least some coffee, you’re not going to be taking the test very well…”

I didn’t want to tell him that no matter what I wouldn’t be taking the test very well. Not with everything else on my mind and in my life.

“Come on, let me buy you coffee.”

“No,” I said again. “I don’t want you to buy me coffee. I don’t need you to buy me anything.”

“I don’t care about what you need. I want to do this for you.”

“Why?” I snapped.

“Because I like you.”

“You’ll say that and go kiss another girl. That’s who you are.”

“So you don’t like me.”

“Nash…”

I didn’t get the chance to finish the sentence because, at that moment, Nash grabbed me around the waist and pulled me against his hard, taut body. His other hand grasped my neck as he crashed his lips onto mine. I was frozen, too shocked to react.

Dropping my bag onto the floor, I found myself wrapping my arms around Nash’s neck and tilting my head ever so slightly, deepening the kiss. A spark ignited in the base of my stomach, flourishing down to my toes and then back up. Despite the time that passed and the fight that happened, I wanted Nash as much now as I did before.

What is wrong with me?

I had to stop.

A bad boy isn’t what I needed.

I pulled away abruptly and shot my hand out to balance myself against the wall. My heart thumped and blood rushed in my ears. Nash’s eyes were glazed over and it didn’t seem like he knew much more of what was happening than I did.

“I have to go,” I muttered and dropped down to pick up my deserted things. “I have a test and then I have to meet Sabrina and Elizabeth.”

“Lily-”

Nash reached out to me but I skittered out of his reach. If he touched me again I knew I wouldn’t stop it from going farther. I was so disjointed that I probably would have pushed forward. My body was warm and I was restless. I wanted to ditch everything, including my inhibition, and take Nash upstairs. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and let him do anything and everything he wanted to me. I wanted to be at his mercy and that scared me... I never felt as drawn to one person as I did with Nash.

This was new territory for me.

“I said I have to go,” I repeated. “Nash…”

He looked at me, hope written across his face. His scowl was gone and, now that his sense came back to him, he was smiling again. He ran his hand through his hair and smoothed out the collar of his shirt, all without taking his eyes off of me.

“What?” he asked and I could hear the expectation.

He was waiting for me to tell him that I was wrong, that I made a mistake. He wanted to hear that I realized that I couldn’t live without him. Although he didn’t say that, I could see it in his face. He thought he broke me... Maybe he did.

But I didn’t want him to know…

“You need to leave me alone… I need space…”

Nash opened his mouth to spew out a retort but I turned around, cutting him off. My chest tightened and a knot was in my throat. I wasn’t sure what would happen if I walked away from Nash but I knew that I had to.

* * *

After my test that I’m sure I failed, my head pounded and the knot that was in my throat traveled down my stomach making it impossible for me to eat anything. On the other side of the room Sabrina sat with Elizabeth, laughing at some kind of inside joke. I, on the other hand, was curled up with blankets, tucking my head under the pillow. All I wanted was some peace and quiet but it didn’t look like I was going to get that any time soon. Every time I closed my eyes, Nash’s face came back to me with such force that I hadn’t slept in two, maybe three days. I was becoming exhausted and it was showing in everything I did.

It took almost all my strength to get up in the morning and drag myself to class. Already I had ditched two classes because I was just so tired and so depressed. Like I asked, Nash left me alone. He left me alone so well that I never saw him in the halls or where I got food. It was like he disappeared, or as if he was a figment of imagination.

He probably found another girl. It wouldn’t be hard for him

Turner, on the other hand, was everywhere I turned. The first encounter was awkward; neither of us knew exactly what to say, but he finally broke the ice with some pathetic joke that actually put a smile on my face.

When was I going to forgive him? The logical side of me said never. Nash hurt me, a lot. But, I didn’t want to mope around for the next few years.

“Hey little miss fun sucker, are you going to come out from your little cocoon and join the land of the living again?”

I lifted the pillow over my head and glared at my roommate. She had half of a smile on her face and she was staring at me expectantly.

“Or are you going to lie there, hiding from the world, because your heart got banged up a little?”

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately and need some time to decompress.”

“So by decompressing you’re going to fail out of school and go home? Is that going to make things any easier, really?” Sabrina scoffed. “He’s just a boy, for crying out loud. You’ll meet someone new next week or the week after that.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not going to find someone new. I don’t want to find someone new. I’m done, worn out.”

Sabrina sighed and crossed the room to sit on my bed. I was fine in high school without a boyfriend. Now, here I was aching for bad boy Nash.

“For what it’s worth,” she said. “He came over the other night… When you were at the library.”

This time I took the pillow off my head and pushed myself up to look at my roommate.

“He?” I asked. “He who?”

“Nash,” she said. “He was looking for you… Well actually he was looking to see how you were. He knew that you wanted nothing to do with him but he decided to come by and ask me. He’s worried about you.”

“Well, he has no reason to be worried,” I said. “You can tell him that the next time you see him. I’m fine...”

“Right. Fine.”

Sabrina started to play with the ends of my hair; hair that could use a good washing.

“If you want to believe you’re fine, Lily, then I’m not going to stop you. But, honestly, if you want my opinion, you are everything but fine. Why don’t you give the guy a chance? People screw up.”

To my horror, tears brimmed in my eyes and I squashed them away by rubbing my palms against my sockets.