Molly Ryan - A Real Disaster

“Hey there beautiful,” Nash murmured as my eyes fluttered open.

I was disoriented and groggy.

What time was it?

Where was I?

What happened?

It took me few minutes before my brain caught up with my body. I was at Nash’s house, keeping him company. I had no idea what time it was but the sun filtering through the window hinted at daylight.

My heart started to beat fast as I realized I was lying next to Nash. His arm was wrapped around me. I moved away and laid on my back far enough that I didn't feel like I was close enough to cuddle with him.

“How are you feeling?” I asked immediately, my heart’s pace slowing down. “How’s your head? Your jaw?”

“Both are fine,” Nash said.

I looked at him, confused, before my mouth split into a grin.

“You’re so lame,” I said as I pulled myself up to the sitting position. “What time is it?”

“Nearly noon,” Nash said and immediately my heart went into my throat.

“Oh my God, I missed my class!” I screeched, jumping off the bed.

I rummaged around the cluttered floor for my bag and shoes. My head was spinning. How could I forget class? It was the first class of the semester and I missed it!

“Calm down.”

“Calm down?! How can I calm down?” I demanded. “I missed class, Nash, and it was the first one! I can’t even imagine what the professor thinks of me! He’s going to hate me if he doesn’t already!”

I grabbed my stuff and shoved my feet into the shoes. As I moved I calculated how quickly I could get to the professor’s office. Maybe I would be able to talk to him, explain what happened. I could tell him about Nash and the concussion. Hopefully that would sway his opinion.

“Lily, calm down,” Nash said again.

He tugged at my arm, pulling me onto his lap. I struggled as Nash wrapped his arms around me. Bad memories came flashing back to me…

“Get off of me!” I seethed. “I have to go talk to my professor. I have to make this right. I screwed up, Nash, I screwed up badly.”

“No you didn’t,” Nash said. “It’s okay if you miss a class. The first two weeks of school are when people drop classes and add classes. The classes don’t really start until that period is over. I doubt you missed much, if anything, today. I promise.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, doubt filling my head.

“I’ve been at this school longer than I care to remember. Don’t worry so much.”

I let myself relax and I tugged his arms apart, slipping out from between them.

 “You need to relax a bit or you’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”

“No I’m not. I’m resilient. I’ve been this neurotic since I was younger. What’s going to give me problems is you holding me like that. Don’t ever do that again…”

I took a deep breath.

“Sorry, won’t happen again. I’m surprised that you haven’t had a heart attack though. Why are you so hard on yourself?”

I shrugged, unable to explain it to him. How could I explain my ‘good girl’ status and need to be perfect? It was a self-imposed purpose, an obsession really, and my parents’ approval fueled it. When everyone expects you to be perfect, and you succeed, it becomes like a drug. You want to succeed over and over again, no matter what the cost.

“Because I’m good and I’m good at being good. That’s who I am,” I told him. “I want to be the best, act the best, and reach the highest.”

“But at what cost?”

“At whatever cost it takes,” I answered immediately.

Nash furrowed his eyebrows together.

“It’s not as bad it sounds, I swear.”

“Good because it sounds like you’re a bit psychotic.”

“Thanks,” I said warily. “That’s so nice.”

“I never said I would be nice. I’m not nice… I’m honest.”

“Well maybe some people don’t want the honesty.”

“Those are the people who usually need it the most.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

My brain was beginning to work on overdrive trying to figure out what was going on with Nash and I. Everything was moving fast, faster than I thought it ever would. He didn’t ask me out but tried kissing me and called me…

Sexy…

These were cautionary signals.

We were hanging out and joking as friends too though. Just because there was no explanation for what was going on, didn’t mean I wanted it to end. I didn’t. But I also didn’t like the uncertainty. Turner could be right about him too.

I sighed and rubbed my temple with my hands.

 “I really should get going,” I said.

“Do you have to? I thought that we could go out, have some lunch.”

“I can’t,” I said, even though it was a lie. “I have to go meet up with some people.”

“People like Turner?”

That wasn’t on my list of to-do’s but now Turner crept into my mind.  I had already missed most of my class and Nash had persuaded me that it wasn’t a big deal.

“Maybe… He seemed so angry yesterday,” I said for an explanation. “He was practically foaming at the mouth and, well, you know the rest. I do want to see if he’s okay... I want to try to talk to him…. But…”

“Why?” he asked, cutting me off. “You just go back to the guy who has no control over himself?”

I paused. That was a good question and I didn’t have a set answer for him.

“Because he’s my friend,” I said finally. “Just like you.”

Nash shrugged but there was a frown on his face.

“Do what you want,” he said and disappointment seeped into my heart.

I was hoping that Nash would put up fight, even a little one, trying to get me to stay. But he didn’t. If anything, he was trying to get me to leave quicker.

What the hell did I do? Was he jealous? Actually jealous that another guy might have a chance with me? What did I get myself into?

“I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see you around,” I agreed.

I glanced at Nash over my shoulder one last time before exiting his room. I let myself out into the warm day and headed back to school, leaving my heart behind.

And so it began. Every day, I got up, packed my stuff, and trudged off to class. If I woke up early enough I would grab breakfast but if not I grabbed a coffee to keep me from passing out. I hadn’t seen Nash outside of class since I thought he had a concussion, and I saw Turner even less. Sometimes, if he was in a good mood, Turner would meet me at the dorm and we would walk to class together. Then, the moment he saw Nash, he would frown and stomp away like a school boy whose toy was taken away from him. This went on, day after day, for weeks. I barely had time to breathe let alone relax and it was starting to show.

“Can you turn that down please?” I asked Sabrina.

She had the television on full blast and she was watching Maury, or as I liked to call it, white trash crap. Going on a show to determine the paternity of your child was bad enough, but when you went on the same show multiple times, that was ridiculous. I was embarrassed for these girls.

“What’s wrong with you?” Sabrina asked, glaring at me.

She turned the television off and tossed the remote on the bed.

“Why are you so cranky?”

“I’m not cranky,” I told her. “I’m stressed out. I have all this stuff due and everyone is expecting everything from me. On top of all of that, I’m friends with two sworn enemies. Don’t you think that’s enough to put me the least bit on edge?”

Sabrina nodded in agreement.

My mind was racing.

“Lily, are you sure you’re okay?” Sabrina asked. “You look pale and like you’re about to faint or something.”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Things are fine. What makes you ask?”

“Because you’re acting even stranger than usual. Did something happen? Are you hiding something?”

I wanted advice, no, I needed advice. I was completely out of my field.

“Does this have anything to do with Nash or Turner? Or maybe both?”

I bit my lower lip, thinking. Should I really take advice from Sabrina? She and I had gotten close since the day I moved in but I still wasn’t sure if she was someone that had the answers I needed.

“Yes, it has to do with Nash and Turner. More Nash though.”

“Do you like him?” Sabrina asked.

“Who?”

“Nash, of course.”

I paused for a minute, thinking about it. Nash made my heart flutter and my stomach tighten. Whenever I was near him I couldn’t think straight and when I wasn’t near him I was thinking about him,

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter,” I whispered.

“Why doesn’t it matter.”

“Because Nash will never like me back. He didn’t tell me that but I know that he doesn’t want to be tied down. He doesn’t want any commitments. And anyway, he’s still head over heels in love with Turner’s sister.”

“Wow,” Sabrina said.

“I guess.”

She didn’t say anymore and didn’t have to. Letting myself relax for the first time in a few days, I lay on my bed and closed my eyes.

* * *

After one of my afternoon classes I sat on the bench outside the building. I was looking over notes for my upcoming test and a bunch of students came rushing out of the building. Obviously, another class just got over.

Nash and another girl walked out together and she had her arm wrapped around him. They stopped in front of the steps of the building and she kissed him once on the lips before he began kissing her back. They were fully making out in front of everyone. I couldn't believe it.

He was so angry that I had to leave his house and that I was going to talk to Turner. Now, he already had found another girl.

He wanted to kiss me yet he was already kissing another girl?

I knew it was a good thing that I didn't give in to him. That would have been a huge mistake.

When they finally stopped kissing she started walking away from him. He turned towards me and began walking my way. I looked back down at my notes hoping that he didn't see me staring at them or even sitting on the bench.

“Hey,” Nash said as he sat next to me on a bench.

Shit.

My body tensed and I moved away from him, trying to put distance between us. I looked up at Nash to see that he was frowning.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me. “You’re not acting like yourself.”

“Because you know me so well,” I muttered. “Oh that’s right, you don’t.”

“What does that mean?” Nash asked. “Why are you so sour today?”

“Am I supposed to be sunshine and roses all the time? Is that how you like me?”

“Jesus! What the fuck is your problem?”

“You! You're already kissing another girl after we hung out at your place just the other day. You tried to kiss me Nash…”

“And you didn't let me! So why is it such a big fucking deal that I'm kissing another girl?”

“Because!”

“Whatever. You don't want me to kiss you but you don't want me to kiss other girls. You're fucking confusing!”

I have to admit, I kind of was. But I cannot help all the things that go on in my mind. Just because I didn't want to kiss him though didn't mean that I was not interested in him. Obviously, that means something different to Nash. I should have known since so many girls loved his band, loved him.

Nash shot up off the bench, nearly kicking me in the process. He bunched the napkin up in a ball and threw it behind us.

“Fuck! What is with you? I didn’t think that you were going to get all clingy like this! Damn, you sound like a fucking shrew-ass wife!”

 “Well you know something, Nash? You can go fuck yourself!”

“Maybe I will,” he countered. “At least I wouldn’t have anyone clingy up my ass.”

Nash strode away and didn’t look back, anger emitting from his body. Only when he was around the corner did I let the tears trickle out of my eyes and down my cheeks. The tears were burning nearly the whole time.

How could I be so stupid? How could I have not seen Nash for what he was? Turner warned me… He warned me! I should have listened to Turner. I should have kept Nash away; far, far away. If I had just trusted my instinct to begin with then this wouldn’t have happened. I knew Nash was trouble from the moment he leered at me the night of the concert. Oh why didn’t I listen to myself?!

“Lily?” I looked up and immediately swatted at my cheeks, wiping the tears off with such fierceness that I winced.

“Hey Turner,” I said and smiled… Or tried to smile at least.