“The public loves their celebrity sex tapes,” he says, sarcasm thick in his voice and the look I’ve learned to hate on his face. The one I’ve seen so many times during our fertility journey that says there’s nothing he can do to make it better besides put one foot in front of the other and try to put this all behind us. And that’s not what I want to see right now. This is the last thing I need.

I want to dig my heels in instead of putting one foot in front of the other.

His eyes, usually so full of life, are deadly serious. I just shake my head back and forth as he starts to speak because I don’t want to listen any more and yet need to hear everything.

“I have our lawyers on this, Ry. We’ll find out—”

“Does it matter, Colton? Does it?” I throw my hands up, my body vibrating with anger, my soul hiding in embarrassment. “It’s not like CJ is going to be able to get it taken down from the Internet. Because that’s what you’re not telling me, right? That’s why you won’t answer me when I ask how bad it is because you’re afraid to say that a video of us having sex is being uploaded left and right to computers all over the goddamn place and there’s not a fucking thing we can do about it.”

I feel violated in so many ways right now, and not just because I’m naked. But more so because someone took an intimate, meaningful moment between him and me and exploited it. Demeaned it. Made it sleazy.

Made us sleazy.

This is not some sex scandal. It. Is. Us. A married couple. We’re not cheating on each other. We’re not into some weird taboo sex. Loving each other to the point where the outside world faded away and we became caught up in each other was our only fault.

“Please calm down, Ry. It’s not good for the baby.”

“Calm down? Are you kidding me? THIS isn’t good for the baby. Not in the goddamn least,” I say as I try to control the anger that’s raging out of control. “You’re the revered playboy who has lived your life in the public eye. Shit like this is good for your popularity, right? I mean this may elevate you to rock-star status with your groupies. But. Not. Me!” I scream as the shock finally gives way to anger. And I know I’m being mean and irrational but I don’t care because this isn’t fair.

“Ry . . . C’mon. That’s not—”

“Not fair?” I yell, finishing his words that mirror my thoughts. “You want to know what’s not fair, Colton? What this is going to do to me. I’m the good girl who works for a non-profit with little boys who look up to me. How am I going to explain this to them? Fuck. I’m the face of a company who asks for donations to fund our projects. So when you want to talk about fair, think about how in the hell this is going to affect me.”

I have to move to abate my anger, the fire in my veins reflected in the aimless and erratic direction of my feet as I move from the doorway to the railing and then back to the doorway. Colton stands there watching me without saying a word. “Oh look, Bob, let’s give money to Rylee Donavan. She’s the class act who spread her legs and taped it for the world to see. Maybe we can ask her to do a video for us while she’s at it because that’d sure as fuck raise some money for the organization.”

“Rylee!” Colton barks out my name, trying to get me to stop my misplaced rage, but I don’t care because it’s not his professionalism at stake. It’s mine. One I’ve built with years of hard work and sweat and tears. “How will anyone ever look at me again without seeing the look on my face when I come with my legs spread wide?”

We stare at each other now, but I can’t hold back the spite in my tone or the accusation in my glare any longer as the detailed visual of that night fills my mind. The one of him standing before me with his pants unzipped and every other part of him completely clothed while I looked up at him from the hood of the car, my dress bunched up around my waist, breasts exposed. “I was naked for the world to see. All of me. Do you know how that feels? Do you have any clue? Fuck, Colton! This is who you are. You live your life in front of the masses and—”

“And what? You think this doesn’t bug me?” He steps into me, chest heaving, anger palpable. “That I’m not devastated that a special moment between you and me is now on display for everyone to see? You think I give a rat’s ass about people seeing my dick? I don’t, Rylee. Not in the fucking least. I feel violated, and it’s not because of me but because of you. I care because it’s YOU. I worry because it was my idea and you went along with it when I knew that wasn’t your norm, and now what? Now you’re going to blame me for this and do I don’t know what to our relationship?” The muscle in his jaw pulses as he clenches his teeth, his hands fisting, and eyes begging me for forgiveness that isn’t his to ask for. I went with him willingly. I let him fuck me on the hood of the car and now years later look what’s happened.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. Too many emotions are overwhelming me and pulling me in so many directions. He stands, the glass clinking as he sets it next to the bottle of Jack Daniels, before taking a few steps away from me, running his hand through his hair, and then stepping back toward me.

“If we let this get to us, we’re letting them win. Giving them exactly what they want,” he says, an unspoken plea for me not to shut him out right now.

And as much as I know his words hold truth, when he reaches out to me, I step back. The pressure in my chest increases and my head starts to hurt. I feel vulnerable, and I hate that feeling.

“My dad,” I murmur, my heart beginning to pound so fast I become dizzy. “My dad’s going to know about this. And Tanner.” I’m not sure why the idea is so very devastating to me when I know they’d never watch it when a public of voyeurs will, but it does all the same.

The tears well as I think how embarrassed my parents are going to be. When I think of how my mom is going to have to answer questions at work or how my dad’s going to react when his buddies at his weekly poker match ask him if that’s really his daughter on the tape.

The sharp pain comes out of nowhere and despite immediately knocking the breath from me, I gasp out in pain. Colton’s at my side in an instant as I brace one hand on the back of the lounge chair while my other one holds onto the swell of my belly. The immediate thought of ‘No, it’s too early,’ fills my head . . . and terrifies me.

“Ry.” The fear in his voice matches how I feel. “Please sit down.”

I roll my shoulders to get his hands off me. As much as I want him to pull me close right now, I also don’t want to be touched at all. Don’t want to be coddled. Don’t want to be soothed. My nerves are raw and abraded; my emotions have been raked over the coals. When I sit down and stare at my hands folded in my lap, I will the baby to move to tell me he’s okay while I try to calm down the riot of instability inside me.

And of course as I slow down, I’m forced to think, to let reason seep through the disbelief, and I hate when I feel the tears begin to burn in the back of my throat.

“Who would do this, Colton?” I finally look up and meet his eyes. I hate seeing his suffering, but I can’t find it within me to comfort him like he is me. I know that makes me a bitch, but all I can think about is my job. The boys. My parents.

Us.

I know we can survive this, know we’ve weathered storms before, but we are now in such a different place in our lives than the other times. We are on the cusp of bringing this new life into our world. How do we manage the chaos from the outside when our inner circle is shifting too? Even the smallest of storms can cause damage, but how can you repair it when you can’t even see it coming?

He sits down on the table in front of me and the look on his face tells me he’s waiting for me to tell him to leave me alone. We stare at each other for a few seconds, so many things pass between us in the gaze and yet I can’t say a single one of them.

“I don’t know. I’ll find out and try to fix this.” It’s all he can say and yet I know there is no fixing this. There is only fallout and that in itself scares the crap out of me because there is no parachute to help us float above the chaos this video will create.

“I know,” I say quietly. I shake my head trying to stop the imminent tears I don’t want to shed.

“Are you okay?” he asks and I know he means about everything, but I don’t have the wherewithal to lie to him.

“The baby kicked.” I can’t tell him I’m okay, because I’m not. I have too many things going on in my head, and I just need to process it all. He won’t stop looking at me and right now I don’t want to be stared at. Currently, too many people online are gawking at me, and yet the one who can see the deepest into me is the one I don’t want looking. All I want to do is crawl in a hole and be left alone, and therein lies the problem.

My privacy is nonexistent.

“I just want to be by myself for a bit.”

“Ry, please.”

“No. I just need to wrap my head around this.”

I can see him want to tell me not to go, to stay here and talk to him, but I can’t. I don’t even know what to say to myself. I can’t comprehend where I go from here or how I can rebound from this to claim my life back.


The waves crash onto the beach below. I watch them, know the breeze is hitting my face by the way my hair moves with it, but I can’t feel it. My thoughts run wild, images in my mind that were so meaningful now turned into someone else’s sick, twisted pleasure. I’m nauseated to think that somewhere, someone might be getting off right now on a video of us having sex. Creating fantasies in their own mind, making their own sound effects to it.