I can’t stop thinking about Lo. Upstairs. He only isolates himself when he’s drinking, and since he’s sober, I’m not quite sure what alone time for Loren Hale really entails. I worry all the same.

“Can I take a five minute break?” I ask Connor by my side. “I have to go talk to Lo.”

He checks his watch, calculating how long it will take me to finish in time to turn the exams in. “You have ten minutes before I’m coming to collect you. So please don’t let me walk in on you and Lo fornicating.”

Fornicating. I smile. It’s such a fancy word for fucking. “We won’t.”

I dash upstairs to my bedroom, stopping at the door for a second. I hesitate to walk inside. Maybe he wants to be alone, like really alone. The thought stabs me cold, and I lower my hand from the knob. Is he slowly breaking away from me? Is that it?

My shoulders rise.

I won’t let him go so easily.

I open the door and brace myself for what’s to come.

Lo sits at the desk, scrolling through different websites on the computer. His back to me, I see him analyzing a business site. When I shut the door, he swivels in his chair and makes note that it’s just me before he returns to his laptop.

The casual brush-off stings.

Before our fight, he would have asked me for help. He would have gushed about all of his ideas. I’ve been his friend in everything for years, and all of a sudden, I’ve become as useful as the dust on a windowsill.

“Shouldn’t you be taking your finals?” he asks.

“I’m on a break,” I say, sinking onto the bed.

He focuses on the computer screen.

Is he growing without me? My worst fear may be starting to come true. He’s strong, committed and sober. I’m unhealthy and struggling in my addiction. My weakness is too much for him. I’m pulling him down. I’m a weight.

And I’m losing him. Just like I lost everything else.

“Lo,” I try to keep my voice steady.

He faces me this time, concern etching his brow.

I open my mouth, a pain in my heart. “Do you want to break up with me?”

“What?” he chokes.

“It’s just…we’ve never fought for so long before, and I can’t tell what you’re thinking anymore.” My insecurities gush like a busted piñata, and I desperately wish to gather all the candy and stuff it back inside.

“Lil,” he breathes, standing. He comes to me and takes my cheeks in his hands, staring down. “Don’t ever ask me that again.” His voice is soft but still sharp.

“I wouldn’t blame you,” I say, twisting his T-shirt in my hand. “I mean, I would try to stop you, but I would understand. You’re strong and I’m...” a mess.

He brushes my fallen tears with his thumb. “I had rehab,” he reminds me. “I had lots of help, Lil. Your addiction is much different, and there’s less support there. I knew I’d be strong and you’d be struggling. It’s just the way it is. I’m prepared for this. I won’t leave. I won’t ever fucking leave.”

I’m about to go in for a hug, and he withdraws. “But that doesn’t give you the right to fall into your old habits. Okay?”

“I know. I know.” I fiddle with my fingers. “Are we still fighting? I mean, I get it if you still want to be in a fight. But I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I let you down.” That’s not completely right. I think after today, especially my conversation with Connor, I know who I’m disappointing the most. “I’m sorry I let myself down.”

His lips rise just a little. “I accept that apology.”

He lifts me into a hug, and I promise myself that I’ll try harder. Even if everything starts slipping away again, I’ll remember this moment, how long it took me to right what I had done wrong. I don’t want to start that vicious cycle again. I want to break it. I want to beat my addiction for good, no matter if outside forces pull me down.

I can do it this time.

Please, let me succeed.

{ 41 }

LOREN HALE

I wish I could give Lily the clear steps to her recovery, the tips in rehab, all the people sharing their stories for hours on end—everything that I had, the things I sometimes take for granted. But recovery for sex addiction is just so subjective and personal. It’ll never be the same. All I can do is try to be here for her as best I can, especially after the leak.

I trashed all of her toys, even the vibrator that Ryke found in the bathtub. She’s nervous without them, but they’re a security blanket that I’m no longer willing to let her have.

Lily groans and collapses on the bed, her hands on her belly. “I’m stuffed.”

I smile. I called in three different orders of pasta and pizza from a local Italian place and practically force fed her garlic bread. We celebrated the end of the semester. She turned her finals in this evening with only minutes to spare. She informed me what happened with Sebastian and Connor, and I’m proud of her for making the right decision.

“Too stuffed to have sex?” I ask. I lift my shirt over my head and toss it aside.

She props her body on her elbows, her eyes wide. “You-you want to have sex with me?” She asks like she’s suddenly contagious. This is not the reaction I expected. I thought she’d fling her arms around me and go in for attack, trying to touch my dick before I could.

But she remains on the bed, her legs curled up underneath her. She’s already changed into her pajama shirt—which is my shirt—and I saw her slip on a pair of panties. She usually climbs into bed without them, thinking that the easy entry will entice me to fuck her. I know her games.

Tonight, I plan on having sex with her. For one, I’m horny and I’d really like to fuck my girlfriend. Second, I’ve finally accepted her apology. Third, she has to see her new psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m worried this guy is going to throw down some abstinence act on her.

I study her from head to toe and decide that I want to tease her a little. Giving in is just too easy. “You’re right, maybe we shouldn’t. You’ve been bad.” Now in my boxer-briefs, I climb onto the bed where she lies unmoving.

“Bad good or bad bad?” she asks.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I say with a smile. I reach towards the nightstand and pause. This would be the moment where I’d grab my whiskey. But in this moment, I only want one thing. And it’s not booze.

I open the drawer and fumble around for a condom. As soon as Lily sees the small package, she crawls over to me and holds out both hands like she’s trying to catch rain. It’s beyond adorable.

“I was bad good then,” she tells me.

“You were bad bad,” I refute, not giving her the condom just yet. “What did you learn this week?”

She drops her hands. “Self-love is not for me…even in bubbles. People at Princeton hate Yale and my boyfriend is really sexy when he defends my honor.”

“People at Princeton hate Yale?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, I didn’t get it either.”

My eyes catch her ring. In the bathtub, I knew she was lying about wanting to see if the diamond could be dyed pink, but I wonder if she really does dislike it. I’ve only seen her stare at it with disdain.

“You know,” I say, taking her left hand and rubbing my thumb over the diamond. She stiffens a little. “If you hate it, I can always get you a new one. This proposal may have been bullshit but the engagement is real.”

She retracts her hand and shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. Girls would die for a ring like this.”

“Just because other girls would like that ring doesn’t mean you have to.”

“It may not be my dream ring,” she admits, “but I want to keep it.” She points to my other hand, the one with the condom. “Let’s get back to what’s important here.”

 I don’t give the package to her. Instead, I press my lips to hers, cupping the back of her head to bring her closer to me. She reciprocates instantly and swoops her arms around my neck. My mouth melds with Lily’s, our tongues brush and I suck on her bottom lip. She deepens the kiss, her hands running up and gripping my hair. She kisses hungrily, like it’s her fucking life-force.

I have to break apart just to get air.

Her mouth trails my neck, and her hand moves over my boxer-briefs, rubbing my cock. It feels too good to demand her to stop. My hands slide underneath her baggy shirt and find her breasts, grabbing and kneading them until I feel her gasp against my neck.

Her movements start to intensify and she tugs at my boxer-briefs, my cock springing out. Dammit. Swiftly, I gather her hands in mine and pull her away from my dick. It takes all my control not to let her pleasure me right away.

She stays on her knees, but they have parted considerably and I steal a glance down at the spot between her legs. I can already see the wetness seeping through her cotton panties. When I look back up, her eyes haven’t moved from mine.

“Can you teach me how to be the good kind of bad?”

Christ. I want inside of you.

“It’s not easy,” I tell her.

“Please.”

She’s never given over her control during sex. Not like this. And I think it’s the perfect time to do something she’s been waiting for.

As quickly as I can, I tug down my underwear and toss them to the floor. Still leaning against the headboard, I scoop up the condom from the sheets and tear it with my teeth. She holds out her hands again in that cute little manner. I don’t have the willpower right now to let her put it on me without taking her hard and fast. So I ignore her requests and slide the condom along my shaft in two fast motions.

She doesn’t say anything, but she scuttles back and lies down, waiting for me to take her, like I’m going to be on top. God, I love that I’m going to fill her with surprise.

“Nope,” I say and grab her hand, sliding her back to me. I take hold of her left leg and her hip, lifting her onto my lap with ease. She straddles me and braces herself with her hands on my chest. Her eyes widen in shock.

“I’m…we’re…”

I can’t stop grinning.

Her head slowly drops until she’s staring at my cock that’s right up against her pussy, waiting (rather impatiently) to be inside. She glances back to me. “This isn’t on the blacklist?”

“No, love.”

She frowns. “Do you think since Dr. Banning isn’t my therapist anymore that I can see that list?”

“Even if she’s not your therapist, we’re still going to obey that list,” I tell her. I have no intention of fucking with all the progress she’s made. And who knows how long her new psychiatrist will last? “So I don’t want you to see it.” Not yet at least.

She nods and rises on her knees, acting like she’s going to put my cock inside of her. I hold onto her waist, stopping her. She looks confused, and the horny part of me is too. Why the fuck am I dragging this out?

“If you’re going to be on top, we have to have rules,” I tell her.

“Oh.”

“You said you wanted to be good bad.”

“I do.” She touches my bare chest with her hands, and her eyes fall to my abs. She becomes distracted way too fucking easily.

I tilt her chin up, her eyes landing on mine again. “Don’t move.”

“What?”

Before I can answer her, I have lifted her by the hips and placed her gently over my cock. Her panties are still on, but I tug the fabric aside and out of my way as I lower her down. She clutches onto my neck and lets out a ragged breath that turns quickly into a moan.

“That’s it,” I tell her, easing her down onto me. I close my eyes for a second, basking in the tightness, finally inside of her… When I fill her completely, she bucks her hips, beginning to rock against me.

I seize her waist again. “Don’t move.”

She shudders at my words. “Then you move,” she pleads.

“I’m taking my sweet fucking time,” I reply, running my hand underneath her shirt, massaging her breast once more.

She lets out a long moan and presses her forehead to my shoulder, but she doesn’t move her hips this time. “How are you not dying?”

I am. But I want it to last too much to give into my impulses.

“Lo, I need to come.”

“You want to come,” I refute. “You don’t need to do it.” My lips find her ear and I suck gently on the sensitive place. Another staggered breath rumbles through her.

“That’s not what it feels like.”

I raise her shirt past her belly, but she refuses to disentangle from my shoulders to allow the fabric off her arms and over her head. “And I want you naked, but apparently we all don’t get what we want.”