Doris Lessing - Adore

‘Good night, I’ll see you at breakfast.’

Hannah had her baby, Shirley, and the two young women were much together. The two older women, and the husbands, waited to hear news of second pregnancies: surely the logical step. And then, to their surprise, Mary and Hannah announced that they thought of going into business together. At once it was suggested they should work in the sports shops: they would have flexible hours, could come and go, earn a bit of money… And, it was the corollary, fit second babies into a comfortable timetable.

They said no, they wanted to start a new business, the two of them.

‘I expect we can help you with the money,’ said Ian, and Hannah said, ‘No, thanks. Mary’s father can help us out. He’s loaded.’ When Hannah spoke, it was often Mary’s thought they were hearing. ‘We want to be independent,’ said Hannah, a trifle apologetic, herself hearing that she had sounded ungracious, to say the least.

The wives went off to visit their families for a weekend, taking the babies, to show them off.

The four, Lil and Roz, Ian and Tom, sat together at the table in Roz’s house – Roz’s former house – and the sound of the waves said that nothing had changed, nothing… except that the infant Alice’s paraphernalia was all over the place, in the way of modern family life.

‘It’s very odd, what they want,’ said Roz. ‘Do we understand why? What is it all about?’

‘We’re too – heavy for them,’ said Lil.

‘We. They,’ said Ian. ‘They. We.’

They all looked at him, to take in what he meant.

Then Roz burst out, ‘We’ve tried so hard. Lil and I, we’ve done our best.’

‘I know you have,’ said Tom. ‘We know that.’

‘But here we are,’ said Ian. ‘Here we are.’

And now he leaned forwards towards Roz, passionate, accusing – very far from the urbane and affable man everyone knew: ‘And nothing has changed, has it. Roz? Just tell me the truth, tell me, has it?’

Roz’s eyes, full of tears, did meet his, and then she got up to save herself with the ritual of supplying cold drinks from the fridge.

Lil said, looking calmly straight across at Tom, ‘It’s no good, Roz. Just don’t, don’t…’ For Roz was crying, silently, allowing it to be seen, her dark glasses lying on the table. Then she covered her eyes with the glasses, and directing those dark circles at Ian, she said, ‘I don’t understand what it is you want, Ian. Why do you go on and on? It’s all done. It’s finished.’

‘So, you don’t understand,’ said Ian.

‘Stop it,’ said Lil, beginning to cry, too. ‘What’s the point of this? All we have to do is to decide what to tell them, they want our support.’

‘We will tell them that we will support them,’ said Ian, and added, ‘I’m going for a swim.’

And the four ran down into the waves, Ian limping, but not too badly.

Interesting that in the discussion that afternoon, with the four, a certain key question had not been mentioned. If the two young wives were going to start a business, then the grandmothers would have to play a part.

A second discussion, with all six of them, was on this very point.

‘Working grandmothers,’ said Roz. ‘I quite fancy it, what about you, Lil?’

‘Working is the word,’ said Lil. ‘I’m not going to give up the shops. How will we fit in the babies?’

‘Easy,’ said Roz. ‘We’ll juggle it. I have long holidays at the university. You have Ian at your beck and call in the shops. There are weekends. And I daresay the girls’ll want to see their little angels from time to time.’

‘You’re not suggesting we’re going to neglect them?’ said Mary.

‘No, darling, no, not at all. Besides, both Lil and I had girls to help us with our little treasures, didn’t we, Lil?’

‘I suppose so. Not much, though.’

‘Oh, well,’ said Mary, ‘I suppose we can hire an au pair, if it’s like that.’

‘How you do flare up,’ said Roz. ‘Certainly we can get ourselves au pairs when needed. Meanwhile, the grannies are at your service.’

It was a real ritual occasion, the day the babies were to be introduced to the sea. All six adults were there on the beach. Blankets had been spread. The grandmothers, Roz and Lil, in their bikinis, were sitting with the babies between their knees, smoothing them over with suncream. Tiny, delicate creatures, fair-haired, fair-skinned, and around them, tall and large and protective, the big adults.

The mummies took them into the sea, assisted by Tom and Lil. There was much splashing, cries of fear and delight from the little ones, reassurance from the adults – a noisy scene. And sitting on the blankets where the sand had already blown, glistening in little drifts, were Roz and Ian. Ian looked long and intently at Roz and said, ‘Take your glasses off.’ Roz did so.

He said, ‘I don’t like it when you hide your eyes from me.’

She snapped the glasses back on and said, ‘Stop it, Ian. You’ve got to stop this. It’s simply not on.’

He was reaching forward to lift off her glasses. She slapped down his hand. Lil had seen, from where she stood to her waist in the sea. The intensity of it, you could say, even the ferocity… had Hannah noticed? Had Mary? A yell from a little girl – Alice. A big wave had leaped up and… ‘It’s bitten me,’ she shrieked. ‘The sea’s bitten me.’ Up jumped Ian, reached Shirley who also was making a commotion now. ‘Can’t you see,’ he shouted at Hannah, over the sea noise, ‘you’re frightening her? They’re frightened.’ With a tiny child on either shoulder he limped up out of the waves. He began a jiggling and joggling of the little girls in a kind of dance, but he was dipping in each step with the limp and they began to cry harder. ‘Granny,’ wailed Hannah, ‘I want my granny,’ sobbed Shirley. The infants were deposited on the rugs, Lil joined Roz, and the grandmothers soothed and petted the children while the other four went off to swim.

‘There, my ducky,’ sang Roz, to Hannah.

‘Poor little pet,’ crooned Lil to Shirley.

Not long after this the two young women were in their new office, in the suite which would be the scene of their – they were convinced – future triumphs. ‘We are having a little celebration,’ they had said, making it sound as if there would be associates, sponsors, friends. But they were alone, drinking champagne and already tiddly.

It was the end of their first year. They had worked hard, harder than they had expected. Things had gone so well there was already talk of expanding. That would mean even longer hours, and more work for the grandmothers.

‘They wouldn’t mind,’ said Hannah.

‘I think they would,’ said Mary.

There was something in her voice, and Hannah looked to see what Mary was wanting her to understand. Then, she said, ‘It’s not a question of us working our butts off – and their working their butts off – they want us to get pregnant again.’

‘Exactly,’ said Mary.

‘I wouldn’t mind,’ said Hannah. ‘I told Ian, yes, but there’s no hurry. We can get our business established and then let’s see. But you’re right, that’s what they want.’

‘They,’ said Mary. ‘They want. And what they want they intend to have.’

Here Hannah showed signs of unrest. Compliant by nature, biddable, she had begun by deferring to Mary, such a strong character, but now she was asserting herself. ‘I think they are very kind.’

‘They,’ said Mary. ‘Who the hell are they to be kind to us?’

‘Oh, come on! We wouldn’t have been able to start this business at all without the grandmothers helping with everything.’

‘Roz is so damned tactful all the time,’ said Mary, and it exploded out of her, the champagne aiding and abetting. She poured some more. ‘They’re both so tactful.’

‘You must be short of something to complain about.’

‘I feel they are watching us all the time to make sure we come up to the mark.’

‘What mark?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Mary, tears imminent. ‘I wish I knew. There’s something there.’

‘They don’t want to be interfering mothers-in-law.’

‘Sometimes I hate them.’

‘Hate,’ Hannah dismissed, with a smile.

‘They’ve got them, don’t you see? Sometimes I feel…’

‘It’s because they didn’t have fathers – the boys. Ian’s father died and Tom’s went off and married someone else. That’s why the four of them are so close.’

‘I don’t care why. Sometimes I feel like a spare part.’

‘I think you’re being unfair.’

‘Tom wouldn’t care who he was married to. It could be a seagull or a… or a… wombat.’

Hannah flung herself back in her chair, laughing.

‘I mean it. Oh, he’s ever so damned kind. He’s so nice. I shout at him and I pick a fight, anything just to make him – see me. And then the next thing we’re in bed having a good screw.’

But Hannah didn’t feel anything like that. She knew Ian needed her. It was not only the slight dependence because of his gammy leg, he sometimes clung to her, childlike. Yes, there was something of the child in him – a little. One night he had called out to Roz in his sleep, and Hannah had woken him. ‘You were dreaming of Roz,’ she told him.

At once awake and wary, he said, ‘Hardly surprising. I’ve known her all my life. She was like another mother.’ And he buried his face in her breasts. ‘Oh, Hannah, I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

Now that Hannah was standing up to her, Mary was even more alone. Once she had felt, there’s Hannah, at least I’ve got Hannah.

Thinking over this conversation afterwards, Mary knew there was something there that eluded her. That was what she always felt. And yet what was she complaining about? Hannah was right. When she looked at their situation from outside, married to these two covetable men, well-known, well-set-up, well-off, generally liked – so what was she complaining about? I have everything, she decided. But then, a voice from her depths – I have nothing. She lacked everything. ‘I have nothing,’ she told herself, as waves of emptiness swept over her. In the deep centre of her life – nothing, an absence.

And yet she could not put her finger on it, what was wrong, what was lacking. So there must be something wrong with her. She, Mary, was at fault. But why? What was it? So she puzzled, sometimes so unhappy she felt she could run away out of the situation for good.

When Mary found the bundle of letters, forgotten in an old bit of luggage, she had at first thought they were all from Lil to Tom, conventional, of the kind you’d expect from an old friend or even a second mother. They began, Dear Tom and ended Love, Lil, with sometimes a cross or two for a kiss. And then there was the other letter, from Tom to Lil, that had not been posted. ‘Why shouldn’t I write to you, Lil, why not, I have to, I think of you all the time, oh my God, Lil, I love you so much, I dream of you, I can’t bear being apart from you, I love you I love you…’ and so on, pages of it. So, she read Lil’s letters again, and saw them differently. And then she understood everything. And when she stood on the path with Hannah, below Baxter’s Gardens, and heard Roz’s laughter, she knew it was mocking laughter. It mocked her, Mary, and she understood everything at last. It was all clear to her.

Meet Doris Lessing ^{© Ingrid von Kruse}

Doris Lessing was born Doris May Tayler in Persia (now Iran) on October 22, 1919. Both of her parents were British: her father, who had been crippled in World War I, was a clerk in the Imperial Bank of Persia; her mother had been a nurse. In 1925, lured by the promise of getting rich through maize farming, the family moved to the British colony of Southern Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). Doris’s mother adapted to the rough life of the settlement, energetically trying to reproduce what was, in her view, a “civilized” Edwardian life among “savages,” but her father did not, and the thousand-odd acres of bush he had bought failed to yield the promised wealth.