I won’t be able to let him go.

But for myself, and for everything I’ve fought for, I know the choice is already made. I can’t give Axel that part of me until he’s willing to give me a part of him. Something, anything to show me there’s a piece of the man I once adored still there. Until he can give that to me, then I can’t give him what it seems he’s so desperately seeking. I reach down, and take hold of the hand that’s gently massaging my clit through my panties.

He stills.

I turn my head away, and roll as quickly as possible away from him.

“I’m sorry, Axel,” I whisper into the darkness. “But I can’t give you what you want, because you won’t give me what I want.”

Then I get out of the bed, and I walk out, leaving him there.

Alone.

Again.

* * *

AXEL

This can’t be fuckin’ happening right now. It can’t be going through my mind the way it is. She’s not meant to be consuming me, she’s not meant to fucking matter...so what’s this aching feeling in my chest that won’t leave whenever she’s around? I close my eyes, and clench my fists by my side. What the fuck was I thinking, letting her in my bed?

I’m giving away everything I’ve fought hard to build.

I get out of the bed. It’s been more nearly two hours, and I haven’t moved since she walked out, spewing some bullshit about me not giving her what she wants. What the fuck does she want? She can’t stand me, she’s made that very clear, and she sure as shit doesn’t trust me. What the fuck could she possibly want from me?

I aint’ got nothing to give anyone, except a damned good time.

I get up from the bed, and I hear the music pounding from the living room. Fuckin’ bastards never sleep. I get out, and don’t bother to put a shirt on, then I tuck my gun in my jeans. I do nothing without it. I walk out and head down the hall. I catch a glimpse of two of the guys fucking the bartender against the pool table in the main dining area, and I roll my eyes. Those fuckers couldn’t keep it in their pants if they tried.

When I step into the living room, the music is roaring, and the men are all laughing, smoking pot, and drinking some serious amounts of beer. They go a bit crazy during lockdown. The only thing they can do is get high, and fuck.

I move through the room, scanning them for Meadow. Unless she’s hiding out somewhere, then she’ll be in here.

Then I see her. She’s on Colt’s lap in the corner of the room, laughing hysterically at God knows what.

I see red.

And I don’t know why.

My fists clench, and I feel my breathing quicken. What the fuck is she doin’ on his lap, and what the fuck is he doin’ with his hand up her fuckin’ dress? I don’t recognize my actions, because all I can see is his hand where it shouldn’t be, and all I can hear is my heart thudding in my head. I pull out my gun and I lift it into the air, pulling the trigger. A loud, piercing boom fills the room, and everyone falls dead silent. The only sound to be heard is the music.

Colt sees me, and his eyes widen. His hand moves quickly from Meadow’s dress, and he grips her hips, lifting her and moving her off his lap. She’s still giggling, and her eyes are glassy. She looks high. No one gets eyes like that off just alcohol. I turn to the room, and through clenched teeth, I snarl, “Who fuckin’ gave her drugs?”

No one speaks.

“You fuckers. You filthy fuckin’ scumbags. If I find out which of you fuckers gave her drugs, I’ll put you in the motherfuckin’ earth where you belong.”

No one moves.

“Didn’t give her nothin’ boss, you know we don’t run anymore more than weed through the club, and she didn’t have any. I’ve been watching her,” Cobra says, finally speaking.

I turn to Meadow. “Get the fuck over here, now.”

“I didn’t take drugs,” she says, grinning.

“You’re fuckin’ lying.”

She shakes her head. “I’ve never had alcohol before, this is my first time,” she almost sings. “But I don’t do drugs.”

“Just get the fuck up.”

She rolls her eyes, and gets to her feet, hobbling toward me. “Bossy,” she mutters, leaning against a table.

“You fuckin’ stupid? You don’t know any of these guys!” I growl, gripping her shoulder, and pulling her out of the room.

“Probably. According to you I’m stupid, a waste of space, a loser...”

“Shut the fuck up, Meadow.”

She snorts, but she moves, and lets me lead her into my room. I slam the door behind us, and turn to her. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Me?” she says, throwing her hands on her hips and pinning me with a determined gaze. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Why the fuck did you go out there and get drunk when your leg is the way it is?”

She shrugs. “Why did you put your hand on my pussy when you apparently hate me so much?”

I smirk at her. “Maybe I just needed to fuck.”

She lashes out, taking hold of the lamp beside her, and yanking it harshly, hurling it at my head. I duck and snarl as it smashes into tiny pieces on my floor.

“What the fuck!”

“You’re a piece of shit, Axel. Why do you have to treat me like this? Like I don’t matter? Like none of this matters? Why come in there, and pull Colt away from me? I’m not yours. I don’t belong to you. I’m nothing to you, isn’t that what you’ve reminded me of so constantly?”

I walk over to her, taking hold of her shoulders and shaking her. “What do you want from me, Meadow?”

“I don’t fucking know,” she cries. “I just want something. I want to be let in, just a tiny bit. I want to know why you hate me so much. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know how I can fix what’s broken. I want to know what the fuck happened to you to make you this monster? I just want to understand, just a tiny bit. I want so much, I don’t even know where to start, but for some sick, strange reason, more than anything, I want you, Axel.”

I let go of her, and reel backwards.

What did she just say? She wants...me?

No fucking way.

I shake my head, and back up toward the door. “You’re way out of your depth Meadow. You can’t fix something as broken as me, and you sure as shit can’t love it. I’m the meaning of damaged, and you’re not going to put me back together, so stop fuckin’ tryin’. Just stop.”

Then I turn and charge out the door, slamming it so loudly I hear the wood crack.

~*~*~*

MEADOW

He doesn’t speak to me for four days after that. He finds a way to avoid me. Even though I’m still sleeping in his room, I’ve not seen him. He’s been sleeping somewhere else. He’s avoiding me, and I hate him for that. If all this meant nothing, he’d have no reason to avoid me, but he is. I brood on it for too long, and finally I break. It’s on the night of day four, and I’ve had a few drinks with Jax and Colt out at the main bar. I decide I’m tired of being ignored, and I head off to seek him out.

I know he’s here.

My head spins as I walk down the halls, and my judgment is way off. I shouldn’t be having a conversation with Axel when I can’t control what comes out of my mouth. My mind isn’t where it should be, and I know it, yet here I am, walking around like a desperate woman. I plant my hands against the wall as I navigate through the halls looking for him. I’m a little tipsy.

I know Axel well enough to know he won’t be in his room, he’ll be hiding in his office. I stumble as I move toward the end room, the one that has the glow of light underneath the door. I wrap my fingers around the handle when I reach it, and I gently open it. What I see inside that room changes something inside of me, and yet it puts a piece of the puzzle together for me, too.

Axel is standing against the wall. His eyes are closed and his jaw is tight. Miranda is on her knees in front of him, her hands tied behind her back, her mouth moving over his cock. His hands are fisted in her hair, and she’s crying out as he forces her mouth to slide up and down his shaft. She sobs as if she doesn’t want to be doing it, but something tells me that’s not the case.

I stare in fascination at the scene before me. Axel looks traumatized, like the very idea of this bothers him, yet he’s doing it, he’s tied her, and is enjoying her fight. Is that what he dreams about? Tying girls up and forcing them? A sick feeling swells in my stomach, and I begin to tremble. My foggy brain tries to process what I’m seeing in front of me. I step into the room before I can stop myself.

“Is this what you are now?” I whisper, feeling my voice trembling. “A rapist?”

His eyes snap open, and widen when they see me standing there, watching him in horror. He lets Miranda’s hair go, and he shoves her backward. She looks over at me, and her lips are swollen. She smirks, and I feel my own eyes widen. She likes it. She...likes it. I gasp, and cover my mouth, shaking my head from side to side.

“What sort of twisted shit...oh, God...”

Axel takes hold of his jeans, yanking them up before leaning down and untying Miranda’s hands. “Leave,” he orders her.

“You going to let this bitch finish you off? To be honest,” she says, giving me a once over, “I don’t think she’s got it in her to please a man like you.”

“Fuck off, Miranda,” Axel barks.

“Whatever,” she mutters, shoving past me as she leaves the room.

“What is wrong with you?” I cry as soon as the door slams behind me.

“You wanted the real me,” he growls, stalking across the room, and pulling a cigarette from the packet on a desk. “This is it.”

“You rape women!”

He spins towards me, his eyes wild. He looks like heaven and hell all mixed in one perfect package right now. His eyes are blazing with rage, and his entire body is stiff and hard, but his lips are moist and soft, and his eyes are so blue with rage, they’re breathtaking. He’s everything that’s perfect, and everything that’s fucked up.

“What did you say?” he breathes.

“I said, you rape women?”

“I don’t fucking rape anyone,” he roars, slamming his fist down on the desk.

“Then you like the idea of raping them?”

He storms over toward me, but I take a wobbly step back.

“Don’t you touch me, Axel. Don’t you lay your hands upon me, not until you tell me what the hell I just saw.”

“I don’t need to explain anything to you. When are you going to get that?”

I reach out, and I shove at his chest, hard. “You do need to explain things to me. You owe me that.”

“I owe you nothing,” he roars.

“You killed my father. You owe me a goddamned explanation. You owe me the chance to move on without all this baggage.”

“Your fucking father was a scum bag, and he deserved what he got.”

I slap him, hard. He reels backward, and then gathers his footing and lunges towards me. His body hits mine with force, and sends me flying back into the nearby wall. Then he’s pressed against me, one hand flat on my chest, holding me there, and the other above my head, pressing to the wall.

“So help me God, Meadow, you’re walking a fine line.”

“So hurt me, Axel,” I yell. “Hurt me. Make me pay. Do whatever it is you feel the need to do. You’re not going to answer me. You’re not going to give me what I want. So go ahead. I don’t care. Show me what you are. Show me what demons eat you inside. Nothing you do will bother me. You want to be sucked off by a girl who doesn’t want it, huh? Is that what you need to make you feel good inside? Is that what I have to do to get some sort of emotion from you?”

I shove at his chest, and he takes a few steps back. Then I drop to my knees in front of him. I lash out, taking hold of his jeans and yanking them down. He grabs my hair, pulling my head back harshly. “Don’t,” he rasps.

“Try and stop me, Axel.”

He keeps a firm grip in my hair, but I fight him. I take hold of his jeans, and I pull hard, bringing his hips towards me. Then I yank them down. A pained cry leaves his lips when I wrap one hand around his cock, and I tear the condom off before beginning to stroke. The piercings graze my fingers as I move my hands with hard, determined strokes.

“Stop...” he pants.

“But you want this,” I cry, feeling tears well in my eyes. “You won’t let me have you any other way. You want me to fight. You want my mouth on your cock, and you want me to hate it, isn’t that right? Isn’t that how this works? Well, I hate it, Axel, I fucking hate it.”

Then I lower my head, and I wrap my lips around his cock, taking him deep with one movement. His pained hiss fills the room, and his hips buck, filling my mouth even further. Salty tears run down my face, and I can taste them as my head bobs up and down, swallowing him deep into the back of my throat. I choke on a sob as I wrap my fingers around the base of his cock, and begin stroking.