18


BRAD CAME TO THE HOUSE, WITH HIS BAGS, AT NINE o'clock, just as Faith got out of the shower. She answered the door in a cashmere robe, and he handed her the Sunday paper as he walked in.

“I'm sorry. Am I too early? I woke up at the crack of dawn.”

“That's fine. I'll be ready in five minutes,” she said as she hurried off.

“I'll start breakfast while you get dressed.” He wandered into the kitchen, as she ran up the stairs in bare feet, with wet hair.

And when she came down the stairs fifteen minutes later, in a turtleneck and jeans, he was clattering and banging, and there was the smell of coffee in the air.

“Boy, that smells good,” she said, as he turned with a smile. He was standing at the stove, had muffins in the toaster, and was frying eggs for them both.

“Sunny side up or over easy?” He looked relaxed and at ease, and had made himself at home.

“Up is fine. Do you want me to do that?” She took a step toward the stove.

“I'm making breakfast for you,” he said, and then poured her a mug of coffee and handed it to her. He wanted to spoil her before he left, it was the reason he had come. “Do you want bacon? I forgot.”

“I don't think I have any, but I'm fine without.” She checked the refrigerator, and there was none. She offered to slice some fruit instead. And he allowed her to slice some oranges and peaches for both of them. He had finished the eggs by then. He put them on two plates, buttered the muffins, and added them. She set the table, and he brought the food, and they both sat down.

The eggs were delicious, and he was munching on a muffin as she smiled. “You're a very good cook.”

“I'm a great short-order chef. Hamburgers, chili, pancakes. I can always get a job in a diner if all else fails.”

“I'll keep that in mind.” It was nice having him around. It reminded her of the times when Jack had visited her in college, or on the frequent occasions when he and Debbie were separated. She had always loved it when he came to stay. Although there had always been tension between him and Alex. She couldn't help wondering, as she and Brad finished the breakfast he had made, where Alex was now, and if he was with that girl. Leslie James. Her name was emblazoned in Faith's mind.

“What were you thinking? You looked upset suddenly,” Brad commented as he fished the sports section out of the Sunday paper, and handed the rest to her.

“I was thinking about Alex. And that girl. I wonder if they're together.”

“Try not to think about it,” he said gently, as he picked up his coffee cup and looked at her pensively. “It's weird how lives change, isn't it? Six months ago, who'd have thought that I'd be sitting here having breakfast with you.” They had lost sight of each other for a long time before that.

“Yeah, and that Alex would be gone. Before I thought about them, I was thinking how nice it is to have you here. Do you come to New York a lot?” This was the third time in four months. But he had concocted an excuse this time to see her. And he was glad he had. She already looked much better than she had the day before, and far more relaxed. His trip had been worthwhile.

“It depends. I come here sporadically, depending on what conferences I sign up for, and how much I have going on at home. Most of the time, I can't get away.” His work was too crisis-oriented, and he had too many clients, to get away much. “I'll probably come through town for a day when I go to Africa to see the boys next month. Pam's coming with me,” he said, as though warning her.

“Maybe the three of us can have dinner,” Faith said easily, and Brad laughed.

“That would be fun. She already thinks I'm in love with you. If she gets a good look at you, she'll never get off my back.”

“I think I'm flattered. But I'm no threat to her. I'm like your kid sister. She'll figure that out,” Faith said confidently.

“Maybe not,” he said, and lost himself in the paper. He stayed submerged for the next half hour, while she poured them both another cup of coffee and cleaned up. It was ten-thirty by the time she was finished, and he looked up.

“Do you still want to go to church?” She didn't want to push him into anything. She liked going, but it wasn't a life-and-death matter to her, particularly if he didn't want to go. She could always go after he left.

“Actually, I do.” He stood up and stretched, and put an arm around her, and it struck her again how comfortable she was with him, and what easy company he was. It was hard to believe that he and Pam didn't get along. He was the easiest man she'd ever known.

“I'll get my bag.” She ran upstairs to get her purse and comb her hair, and five minutes later, she was in the front hall, getting a coat out of the closet. She put on a heavy shearling jacket, and a red wool scarf. Brad was wearing jeans, a heavy sweater, and a warm coat. It was cold outside, and looked like it might snow.

They took a cab to St. Patrick's, and arrived just in time for the eleven o'clock mass. Faith genuflected and slipped into a pew, and Brad slid in next to her, and they sat quietly side by side for the entire mass. She took communion and he waited for her, and he noticed at one point that she was holding the rosary beads he had given her, and he smiled. And afterward, they lit a candle for Jack at the shrine of Saint Jude. It was a comforting experience for both of them, and they both looked at peace when they walked outside. During the mass, it had started to snow.

“Do you want to walk?” she inquired, looking up at him. She loved walking in the snow.

“Yeah,” he grinned at her, “why not?” He never saw snow in San Francisco, and it was part of what he loved about New York.

They walked up Fifth Avenue and, at Sixtieth Street, crossed over and walked along the outer edge of Central Park. They walked past the zoo, and the playground north of it. Their hair was covered by snow by then, and their faces were red from the cold. It was one of those snows that really stick and seem to silence everything. It felt magical walking along with her gloved hand tucked into his arm.

“I'm going to miss you tomorrow, when you're gone,” she said sadly. “This was a real treat. After this, it's back to real life, school, and the divorce. I'm not looking forward to that. Alex is in such a hurry.” She was beginning to wonder why, and couldn't help asking herself how much it had to do with Leslie James, and if he was going to marry her after all.

“What are you doing about the house?” He wondered if it was too soon to ask.

“I don't know. He hasn't said. I don't know if he'll let me stay in it, or want me to get out so he can sell it. He paid for it, so I guess he'll try to claim it's his. I don't know how these things work.” It was Alex's money that had bought everything they had. And now he was trying to claim it all as his, at least to her. He said all she'd get out of him was minimal support, since she was young enough to go to work. She was beginning to feel as though she had no rights at all.

“If he forces you out, he has to give you someplace comparable to live,” Brad said sensibly to calm her fears. “He can't just toss you out on the street.”

“I hope not.” But even that didn't seem sure anymore. There was no telling what stunts Alex would try to pull. “I guess with the girls gone, I could get a smaller place. But it'll feel so weird to move. We've lived there for eighteen years, since Zoe was born.” Suddenly everything was up in the air, and any sense of confidence and security she'd had was down the drain.

“Maybe he'll let you stay and not sell the house,” Brad said quietly. He didn't want to upset her. He knew her lawyer would work out the details equitably for her. And they took a small detour into the park at the model pond, and watched the snow piling up on the Alice in Wonderland statues. There were children playing in the snow, and there was just enough for them to slide down the little hills on garbage can lids and plastic saucers. Brad and Faith watched and it looked like fun.

“I wish the kids were still little,” Faith said wistfully. “I sure miss all that.” It had been such a happy time in her life. Every day had been full, there had been so much joy. She never had time to think about anything except what she was doing with them, or being with Alex at night. She never worried about what the future would bring, she didn't have time to think about it. And she'd gotten up feeling happy and needed every day. It was all different now. They no longer needed her. They had their own lives, and hers seemed so empty now. And on top of it, Alex was gone too. She felt as though she had lost her whole world, and maybe now her house. It was a lot to digest. A lot to lose.

“I miss those days too,” Brad said honestly. “It all went so fast. It's silly really, I know we feel old, but we aren't, there are people having first kids at our age.”

“Oh my God, what a thought.” Faith laughed.

“Would you ever do it again?” She could see that he was serious, and she paused for a moment as she thought.

“That's a crazy question. If you'd asked me that a month ago, I'd have said, hell no, besides Alex would have killed me. He always thought two kids was enough. Otherwise, I'd have had one or two more. Then. Now? Gosh, I don't know. That seems like a pretty crazy idea at forty-seven. The girls would probably have a fit, or be shocked at least. No, I don't think I would. Besides, I'm not even going to be married in a few months. I can't even imagine that now.”

“That's my point, Fred. You'll be single again.” Just hearing him say it gave her a shock. She still had to pinch herself to remind herself that what had happened with Alex wasn't a bad dream. It was real. “What if you met a guy who wanted more kids? What would you do?”

“Introduce him to Eloise.” She laughed, and then grew serious again. “Gee, Brad, I don't know. I'd love to have more kids, but I'm not exactly in the flower of my youth. At my age, I'm not not even sure I could. I know people do. I don't know … yeah … maybe it would be nice … it would be wonderful to have a baby again … and it would make me feel hopeful and alive and young. The only trouble is,” she said, sobering, as she looked at him, “I'm not. I'm tired and sad and old. And worse yet, alone.”

“It won't be like that forever. You'll find someone, Fred. Someone a lot nicer than Alex was to you. You'll be off and running in a few months, and you'll probably be married in a year.” He looked depressed as he said it, and she smiled.

“Well, you certainly have my life worked out. What about you?” She knew how unhappy he was with Pam, and how determined he was to stay with her, at all costs. “Don't you want more than what you have?” His life with Pam always sounded lonely to her. But her life with Alex had been too, and she would never have ended it, if he hadn't walked out on her.

“Sure I do,” he answered her honestly. “But what I have is what I have. I don't think about it much.” That wasn't entirely true.

“Maybe you should, while you are still reasonably young. What if she does what Alex did, ten years from now maybe? Won't you feel like you wasted your whole life, when you could have been with someone you were happy with? Maybe it's worth some thought.”

“It's too big a risk,” he said, looking straight at Faith. “I know what I've got, however damaged it is. I'm not going to throw it away for a dream that might never come true. Life doesn't work like that. Movies do. Real lives don't. Most people do what you and I have done. They settle for what almost works, and put up with it as best they can. You know that yourself.”

“Yeah, I do. I just wonder about it now. Maybe Alex was right to do what he did. I hate it for me. But maybe he finally had the guts to do what we should have done years ago. He did it in a hurtful way, but he's reaching for the brass ring.”

“And in his case, I think he'll fall flat on his face, because he did it by hurting you. I don't think you win much that way. You lose. He's chasing some girl in a thong, and kicked you in the teeth on the way out. That comes back to haunt you eventually. If he stays with her, maybe she'll do it to him one day.”

“Now there's a cheering thought,” Faith said with a small smile. “I don't know what the answers are,” she said with a sigh, as snowflakes settled on her eyelashes and stuck to her hair.

He had never seen anyone as beautiful, and as he looked at her, it made his heart ache. He would have loved to turn the clock back about thirty years. But he knew with perfect clarity what he couldn't have. What he couldn't have, and never would, was Faith. And she had no idea the thought had even crossed his mind. She would have been shocked if she had. She had no idea that he even looked at her that way. And he hadn't in a long time, since they were kids. But he did now, when he allowed himself to. Just standing next to her in Central Park, with his arm around her, made him dream of more. But Brad knew better than anyone that it was only a dream.