She spun in my arms and looked up at me, her short stature evident due to our close proximity. She didn’t seem to notice that her hands were placed against my chest, but I sure as hell did. Another part of me began to notice her nearness as well. I cursed my libido and tried to remind my brain to stay in the appropriate state of mind.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she said softly.

I ignored her attempt at pacifying my self-disgrace. “You were so strong. You took care of Kate even though…” My hand ran down the side of her face and cupped her chin to hold her gaze.

I was battling two major sides of myself. One side wanted to tell her how appreciative I was that she took care of Kate, even when Kate really wasn’t her child to care for. She raised her into this beautiful, intelligent little girl, and I couldn’t even begin to put into words my extreme gratitude.

But this other side—the side that was quite forceful—wanted to grab her little waist firmly in my hands. I wanted to lift her up so she could wrap her toned legs tightly around me. This side wanted to take a hold of her mouth with my own and push her up against the wall. I wanted to show her exactly what I could do to that perfect body–exactly what I think her eyes have been pleading with me to do.

Currently, those beautiful green eyes were boring into mine and I felt her need in my bones. God, did I want to appease her. And myself.

“Mama, I have to go potty!” Kate’s shrill voice cut through our sexual tension like a bucket of ice-cold water, dousing all of the fire running through my veins.

I clutched both sides of Raegan’s head and kissed her hair. “I got her,” I said and retreated toward the hallway with Kate’s little hand in mine.

Not long after I showed her where the bathroom was, the doorbell rang. Through the peephole I could see my five-foot-two, gray-haired mother practically bouncing on her toes.

I laughed to myself and opened the door. Her little body slammed into mine before I even had it fully open.

“Hey, ma.” I smiled into her hair and wrapped my arms around her.

“My prayers have truly been answered,” she cried into my shirt.

“Well, if you were praying for your son to be a sexy, handsome devil, then yes, ma, I’ve come to tell you that you should be satisfied.”

She swatted at my stomach. “Oh, you cheeky boy! Still as smug as ever, I see.”

“Missed you, mom,” I muttered. “I know I’ve been a shit son, I just want to—”

“Oh, love, don’t you even say it. You followed your instincts and went to find your daughter. I raised you right.”

“I didn’t protect her when it counted though.” I hadn’t really planned on getting into this conversation with her, but there was something about a mother that made you want to spill your deepest sins.

“I dropped you on your head when you were a baby,” she shrugged so damn casually. “We can’t be perfect, Laney.”

“Ma!” I shouted. I didn’t know whether I was indignant because of her first comment or her old nickname for me. Both were ridiculous.

“Quit keeping me from my granddaughter. I know all about the hours your dad got with her today. If I have to hear him rub it in my face one more minute, I’ll smack him.”

“I don’t think he was bragging,” I laughed.

“That’s exactly what he was doing. He’s just like you.”

I stopped her before she could continue further. “Remember, she doesn’t know anything. Let’s at least try to keep the tears at bay,” I insisted. She huffed past and headed straight toward the living room.

“Hello,” I heard Raegan say tentatively.

“Hi!” Kate’s voice called out shortly after.

“Hey guys, this is my mom,” I informed them. “Kate, this is your grandma.”

“I have a grandma too!?” she shouted. Her little feet carried her quickly across the room until she collided with my leg. She wrapped her arms around it and stared up at my mother.

“You sure do, you precious darling,” she cooed. “I’ve been waiting a long time to meet you, but I never expected someone who looked like a real live princess.” My mother gasped dramatically and held her chest in the most playful manner.

Kate giggled and slowly released my leg. “I have pink shoes!” she declared.

“Exactly what I expected a princess to wear,” my mom said, nodding her head.

“What’s a grandma?” Braden asked, moving to Kate’s side.

“A grandma is the most important job in the world, don’t you know? A grandma brings surprises.” She tapped her large bag mysteriously. “A grandma brings cookies and lets you stay up way past your bedtime. Grandmas are fun!” she exclaimed.

“Wow!” Kate clapped enthusiastically.

Braden’s face fell for a moment, but we all caught it and I immediately moved to console him. I couldn’t stand that sad look spoiling his adorable face. My mom got there first.

“I can be your grandma too. Well…” she started, trying to appear glum, “that’s if you’ll let me.” My mother should have been on Broadway with those acting skills. Had I been so easily charmed as a child?

“You can! You can!” Braden called out excitedly.

“Wow, I am a lucky lady.” She smiled brightly. “Alright, my sweet grandchildren, let’s go play with the new toys I’ve brought you.” She pointed down the hall and Kate and Braden happily led the way. “Oh, I also brought you some things, Raegan. I have plenty to talk to you about as well, but I’ll save it for a better time. Just know how grateful I am for you, darling girl. I hope you like everything, but if not, it’s still a win for me because then we can go shopping together.” Mom quickly scooped a speechless Raegan into her arms and dropped a large bag onto the couch near her.

When my mom finally took off down the hall and I could hear her announcing her surprises to the kids, Raegan finally looked in my direction.

“That’s your mom?” she asked with awe in her voice. I nodded my head, smiling. “Why did you ever move out?”

I shrugged. “You know how it goes. Teenage guy thinking that all he wanted was independence. Besides, I don’t think girls really go for the adult-still-living-with-mommy-and-daddy type of guy.”

“I don’t know. She could win over almost anyone.” She pointed toward the bag and asked, “What do you think that is?”

“Well, it’s obviously for you. Check it out,” I chuckled.

She cautiously opened the large, crinkling plastic and dipped her hands inside. Gingerly, she pulled out piles of clothes. I saw t-shirts, blouses, jeans, shorts, and pajamas—all for her and for the kids. Shortly after, I saw her take out some bras and underwear, but she quickly shoved those back into the bag awkwardly.

“She bought us clothes?” Her eyes filled with tears and I jumped to sit next to her.

“Don’t cry. You needed some, right?”

She nodded and asked, “Did you know she was going to do that?”

“Babe, I knew you guys couldn’t continue switching between two outfits like you have been.” Her arms were instantly around my neck before I could even finish speaking. I went with it and wrapped mine around her body.

After a long moment of muffled sniffles and us holding each other, she finally spoke. “Should I be concerned she knew my bra size?”

I laughed and pulled away. “I guesstimated. Want me to check and make sure I got it correct?” I mimicked holding her breasts in my hands, and she feigned indignation before laughing hysterically.

She playfully swatted my bicep and cried, “You!” Yep, me. The guy who was starting to enjoy this girl’s company a little too much.

When my mom left a few hours later, I was still trying to decide how our sleeping arrangements were going to work out. There were two bedrooms in the tiny apartment. The master, which had a nice big bed in it, and then there was Kate’s nursery. It still held her crib and a full-size bed, which Raegan used to sleep on with Braden when she spent the night. So far, neither of us had made any move toward that room.

That’s where they were all taken.

“You guys go pile in the big bed. I can make do out here on the couch,” I called out to Rae, who was getting a glass of water from the kitchen.

“That’s silly, I’ll just…” she started to say, but then thought better of it. I had a feeling she was going to say she could sleep on the full-size bed in the nursery, but we both knew neither of us could stomach that room.

“You’ll just sleep in the master,” I finished for her.

“Come on, guys. Let’s go.” She grabbed for their hands and I watched as they vacated the little living room.

It was fucking hard being back here. I used to rock Kate in the recliner in the corner on the rare night I was home on time to put her down. We used to lay a big quilt on the ground in front of the couch for her to lie on her stomach and have what Ash called “tummy time.” This whole place was filled with memories… memories I wasn’t prepared to dredge up.

I grabbed a blanket out of the hall closet and caught the whiff of fresh detergent. Mom must have re-washed some of the linens because I had definitely been expecting a stale closet odor. I really did need to thank her for being so amazing—I’m sure it hadn’t been easy for her to be here either.

I sat down on the creaky old couch and pulled my shirt up over my head. The gym shorts I had put on this morning would have to do for the night. The couch groaned as I tried to find its sweet spot—the spot that would allow me at least some comfort. Something jabbed into my back and I reached underneath myself to remove the annoyance. Between the cushions, I pulled out a blue stick of lip balm.

Ash used to have these all over the house and in her purse. She never went anywhere without them. I stared at the small reminder of Kate’s mom. My ex-wife. I really wished she could see Kate now. Why did she have to go and get into a car after she had been drinking? I still wanted to berate her for her callousness. Did she just give up all hope of ever finding Kate? And did she really care so little for her own life? I wished she were here so I could yell and give her a piece of my mind!

A tear slipped down my cheek and I chuckled at the tornado of emotions I was feeling. I missed Ash. Maybe I hadn’t been in love with her, but I still wished that she could see the beautiful girl Kate had become. I still cared deeply for her. She was the mother of my child. I would have done anything for her.

I guess that wasn’t entirely true though, because I didn’t fight for her—I fought for Kate instead. I hoped if she was looking down now that she understood. I would always love her for giving me the very best thing a man could receive… my daughter.

I watched the small hand of the clock slowly tick its way past all the numbers and I still couldn’t get my mind to calm down. I just couldn’t seem to shut down the memories I had of this place. Some good. Some great. Some absolutely terrifying.

I startled when Kate tiptoed into the living room, emerging out of the dark hallway. She was holding her teddy bear, and her golden hair was already mussed up from lying down.

“Kit Kat, what’s wrong?” I asked softly.

“Daddy, why do you have to sleep out here?”

“Well, I don’t think I would fit in that bed with all of you. Daddy is much too big.”

“I’ll just stay out here, okay?” Kate’s tired eyes searched the room for a place to rest. When I watched her make her way toward the recliner, I popped up.

“How about I sit with you in the bedroom until you fall asleep?”

“Yeah,” she replied sleepily, still clutching her bear tightly.

I lifted her up and walked down the hall, trying to remember where all the creaks and groans were in the wood floors. I missed a few and paused each time, not wanting to wake the others.

The bedroom was dark, but the street lamp outside cast a yellow glow through the thin curtains. I could just make out Raegan’s shape underneath the covers, lying on one side of the bed. Braden was curled up in the middle, his mouth wide open in sleep.

I tried to gently slide Kate onto the bed, but her grip on my arms was unrelenting.  She really did not want me to leave her and go sleep in the other room. There was no way we would all four be able to sleep comfortably in this bed, but I would stay until she fell asleep.

“Okay, Kit Kat, I’ll stay for a bit,” I whispered.

I sat with my body up against the headboard and Kate relaxed her head on my chest. I didn’t care if I got zero sleep that night. Being able to comfort my daughter was better than any rest I could have gotten alone on that couch. Her fingers made their way up my neck until she had a soft grasp on the edge of my ear. She had done this at the station when she passed out on me the other day. I had no idea what she was doing at the time, but now I guess it was her way of comforting herself.