I’d considered driving my drunk ass out to the cliffs last night and then maybe going over, but I didn’t want to kill anyone else in the process. Sometimes, I parked there and stood on the edge, peering into the stormy water, hoping it would somehow swallow me up.

What Gabby had said to me on the hotline was probably standard. Possibly something she had to say to all the fucked-up people who called her. Regardless, it had touched something raw inside of me.

It was the way she’d said it. It reminded of something my aunt and uncle once said to me, after Mom and dad had left me home alone for hours. They had shown up at the house to rescue me. I’d been old enough to stay home by myself but not legal yet to drive. I was shoving my clothes and toothbrush into a bag so I could stay with them for the weekend.

“It sucks that you can’t pick your family members,” Aunt Gabby said, standing at the doorway to my room. Uncle Nick stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders in a show of support. “But you can choose who you surround yourself with and how you handle what you’re dealt in life. I hope you know how much we love you, even on days you don’t feel supported.”

“You are good, through and through. You hear me, Daniel?” Uncle Nick had said. “Don’t ever forget that.”

I’d pushed them away these past couple of years. I couldn’t look them in the eye. They were like surrogate parents to me and I was terrified to see the disappointment etched in their faces over what I’d done.

Talking over the phone felt freer somehow. Gabby had been right about that. The person on the other end couldn’t see you struggle through whatever you were telling them.

I knew there was good buried deep inside me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to keep up this farce for Sebastian’s parents. My intentions were good, even though I kept lying through my teeth every time I saw them.

So what did you do when all the good inside you was yanked deep into the abyss of your soul because of one big event? Was it possible for one act in your life to ruin everything else—to mar it, weaken it, poison it, make it sour? It had been for me.

* * *

Today was the fund-raiser car wash event with our sister sorority. I needed to get my butt up, especially since I was in charge of rags and bucket supplies. I had gone around and collected old clothes from the guys the other night and torn them into rags with Lucy from Sigma Tau.

I got my ass in the shower and then pulled on a worn pair of cutoff jeans shorts and a shitty T-shirt that I knew would come off when the sun beat down on us. It was an exceptionally warm spring day, the temperature already in the seventies, which meant more traffic would be sent our way.

When I walked downstairs, my chest tightened at the sight of Ella sprawled on the couch across from Brian, playing Call of Duty.

As I stepped into the room Ella looked up and said, “Hey, Quinn.”

I nodded and sat on the arm of the nearest chair.

“I was just dropping off bagels and coffee for the fund-raiser,” she said. “But Brian practically begged me to play the zombie version with him.”

“If you say so.” Brian laughed and then shoved his controller at me. “Dude, take over. I gotta make a beer run.”

When I looked at the screen Ella was totally obliterating all the zombies in her path.

“Take that, sucker,” she ground out through clenched teeth.

“You might not need me after all,” I said.

“I totally do,” she said, her voice suddenly elevated. “Hurry, I’ve been hit. I need you revive me.”

I plopped into the chair Brian had vacated to save her from total apocalyptic failure. For the next ten minutes we yelled, laughed, and swore at the screen until finally being overrun by the zombie population and suffering fatal blows.

“That’s the highest level we’ve ever gotten to,” Ella said, holding her arms up in triumph.

We sank back into our seats high on our small victory. She was smiling ear to ear and the way her blue eyes were so unguarded and sincere right then made her look angelic.

Yet sexy as sin.

I tried to channel my thoughts about what it would feel like to kiss her into something tamer. She must have noticed the change in my features because the smile slid from her mouth and she worried her bottom lip between her teeth.

I wanted to tug that lip into my mouth and suck on it long and hard. She looked down at her feet, a line of red creeping up her neck as if she could read my thoughts. As though she wouldn’t object to what I had in mind, either.

I needed to rein in my goddamn imagination before I did something irrational, and who better to help me with that than fucking Joel. He walked in the room holding a beer in one hand and a CD in the other. I looked away as my stomach clenched tight.

“Babe, weren’t you running home to change?”

“Oops, got too caught up gaming. Okay, I’m out.” Ella threw one last demure grin in my direction before hopping up. And I latched on to that smile like it was my goddamn lifeline or something. “Be back soon.”

Fifteen minutes later, five cars full of sorority sisters showed up blaring pop music from their speakers. They were loud and rowdy as they put the finishing touches on the huge signs they’d made to hold up on both corners of the street. They wore bikini tops and short shorts and would have no problems getting boatloads of cars to pull in and donate money to our cause.

And ironically enough, the charity the fraternity had chosen to donate to was a fucking national foundation to combat child and adult depression. So maybe we’d be contributing directly to Gabby’s salary after today.

The car wash always took place in the parking lot next to the frat house so there was room to spread out. I gathered up my buckets and towels and then came back to yank the hoses over there.

The next thing I knew the car wash was under way and cars were lined up around the corner waiting to pull in. I was so busy getting buckets filled with soapy water that I hadn’t noticed that Ella had returned with her two friends.

One was a petite blond with a tight little body. She was dating the tattoo artist all the guys in our frat used. They’d pushed me to get a tattoo also, but there was nothing I’d want stamped on my body except maybe something that reminded me of Sebastian. But then I’d have a literal daily reminder of my guilt. Not that I wasn’t reminded every day anyway.

Besides, I wasn’t worthy enough to wear his name anywhere on my body, especially since I was the one who had taken his life. What scumbag would do such a thing? Did murderers on death row wear the tattoos of their victims, for Christ’s sake?

Now I wondered if Ella had gotten her ankle tattoo from him. Bennett, I think his name was. I knew the other girl with Ella. Her name was Rachel and she’d hooked up with half the baseball team. She’d tried to make the moves on me twice before. She was gorgeous; I’d give her that, with those green eyes and full lips. I’d made out with her once at a party, but didn’t take it any further. Same reason as always. I’d rather mess around with someone who didn’t hang out with my friends.

Ella’s legs looked a mile long in those tiny cutoffs she wore. The straps of her black bikini top peeked out from under her pink tank and I wondered if she’d take off her top when she got hot enough. I imagined how she’d look standing in front of me in nothing but those damn skimpy shorts. Fuck, I was attracted to that girl.

Her hair was pulled up in a messy kind of bun and my fingers itched to reach up and release her brown waves. Our eyes met across the parking lot as I was soaping up a car bumper and I nodded at her to be polite. But she didn’t give me one of her secret smiles again. Her blond friend eyed me, too, and then looked back at Ella with a smirk. Had Ella told her friend what’d gone down in the bathroom between us?

Joel certainly hadn’t said a word, so I figured it had stayed between us.

And even if Joel had, I would’ve given him an earful about always being blitzed out of his mind when his girlfriend was around.

Joel stood behind Ella with his arms locked around her waist, yet he made sure to eye every chick in a bikini top. What an ass. Ella had to notice how he ogled other girls, and either didn’t care or didn’t care enough. Which was it, Ella?

Or maybe she was more insecure than I’d given her credit for. Why else would she put up with that shit?

Soon enough I got lost in the mind-numbing car wash assembly line. I was on wash detail and Ella was rinsing the cars with Joel. Her blond friend was helping with the cash drawer and Rachel had gone up front with a poster to flash her nice tits to the passing cars.

I heard a high-pitched squeal and looked in Ella’s direction. Joel had the hose pointed at some of the girls and before they could scatter, he started spraying. He got Ella in the face and her clothes became soaked. She manhandled the hose out of his hands with a couple of other girls and got him back good. Her laugh was infectious and I found myself listening for its sound as I continued to work.

Fantasizing about Ella was stupid, but it also let me forget for a little while. I was pretty damn sure I could easily get lost in that girl. And some days that was all that I wanted. But it wasn’t what I needed. And neither did she. Not with someone like me.

We were running out of dry rags, so I ran next door to the frat house to gather more from our basement floor. I slipped inside and bolted down the steps. I waved to two girls who had emerged from the bathroom on the other side of the room. The bathroom was dank and grungy but did the trick for parties and events.

I heard the screen door creak open at the top of the stairs, letting in a sliver of sunlight. Ella came bounding down the steps wringing out her tank top, too busy to notice me. She stood in front of the bathroom door and lifted her wet shirt over her head. I saw the smooth skin of her back, her delicate neckline, and how the baby hairs from her bun had gotten tangled in the knot of her black bikini top.

All I could think about was sliding my hand down the soft skin above her shorts, on the small of her back. I stepped closer and cleared my throat so she’d know she wasn’t alone.

She turned toward me, eyes wide.

“My bad,” I said, my voice coming out hoarse. “Sorry if I scared you.”

Her tits looked fucking amazing in that bikini top and I couldn’t help my jaw from hanging open as I tried to reign in my dirty thoughts.

She stood stock-still as my eyes roamed over her body.

Like she welcomed it. Wanted it. Needed it.

Her breaths became harsher and when my eyes met hers, she held me there, transfixed. I couldn’t have looked anywhere else even if I’d tried.

“You always seem to catch me in some state of undress,” she mumbled.

I moved nearer and noticed how water had beaded in her cleavage. I imagined my tongue lapping up each drop and my hard-on strained against my zipper.

“I’m not much better this time,” I said referring to my shirtless torso and wet cutoffs.

Her eyes skated over my shoulders, down my chest, to the front of my shorts. If she hadn’t had a clue how much she’d affected me, she would now.

Gazes pinned on each other, we both seemed to lose the ability to form coherent sentences. I was close enough to draw her into my arms and kiss the hell out of her, but I restrained myself.

The air between us was charged. It was obvious and imposing. My knees quivered as my urge to hold her amplified. To press my nose along her collarbone and taste her skin.

Ella was biting her lip so hard, I wondered if she’d draw blood.

Looking into her bright-blue eyes, I noticed her dark and thick lashes, the pretty rose color splashed across her cheeks, and the dainty hoop earrings she wore in her ears.

Both of our fists clenched tight, it was as if time stood still. Waiting on something to happen. For one of us to make a move. For someone to walk in and spot us huddled so closely together.

My own breaths were broken and rough and all at once Ella squeezed her eyes closed and inhaled sharply.

“Ella . . .” I closed the distance between us and placed my fingers on her warm arm. “Are you . . .”

I didn’t even know what I was asking. I was lost in her earthy smell, her soft skin beneath my touch, and her lips, moist because she had run her tongue across them.

I noticed how her nipples had pebbled beneath her swim top.