Erin McCarthy - Believe

Since I was on day three of the same clothes, I didn’t mind that he was about to go all paternal on me. Whatever. It was his personality, and I had been dealing with it for twenty years. “Sure.”

Robin was in the kitchen helping Rory unpack some bowls or some shit, and I moved toward her. The look she gave me, man, it was like she was being abandoned in hell, and I felt like the worst jerk-off ever. “I need to go back and change. Want to come with me?” I asked, which hadn’t been my original plan, but those eyes were killing me.

She shook her head. “I want to help here.”

Moving my body so Rory couldn’t see or hear, I bent over Robin and cupped her cheek. “What’s going on?”

But she shook her head again.

There was no point in pressing her. She wasn’t going to talk.

“I’ll call you.”

She nodded.

Puzzled, and not liking the change in her, I hesitated but then Tyler yelled for me to come on, so I stroked her bottom lip with my thumb, remembering that amazing kiss, wanting her to remember it, too, before leaving.

* * *

“What the hell?” Tyler asked me in irritation as we went out to his car.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t owe him any explanations.

“She’s going through some shit, I don’t think this is the time for you to be dicking around with her.”

Yanking the car door open I narrowed my eyes at him over the top of the car. “I’m not dicking around. We’re friends.” I could see she was going through some shit, and it seemed to have something to do with their group of friends. She didn’t want to live in the apartment and the minute everyone had shown up, her whole attitude had changed. “And how is me hanging out with her any different than you being with Rory or Riley being with Jessica? From what I hear, Jessica’s parents cut her off for dating Riley and you all seem okay with that even though I think that would fall under the category of dicking around with her life.”

With that I climbed in and slammed the door shut behind me. I was thirsty and hot and annoyed.

“Wow. You really like her, don’t you?” Tyler started the car. “You sound about as rational as I did when I met Rory.”

“Nothing I just said was irrational. And it’s fucking hot as balls in this car. Don’t you have air-conditioning?” I kicked off my shoes and stuck my arm out the window.

“Oh my God, your feet smell horrible, man. Look, if you really like Robin, then I can’t say anything about that. It’s just that something is clearly going down with her, and if you were just looking to hook up, I don’t think I can be okay with that. She’s a nice girl.”

“It’s never been my style to go after a chick. They usually come to me. So the fact that I am should tell you something.”

“Yeah, that you’re an arrogant douche bag.” Tyler scoffed, amused.

It wasn’t meant to be arrogant. But it was the truth, like I said. Girls wanted to get a reaction from me, so they flirted hard-core.

“Just you know, maybe take it slow or something, that’s all I’m saying.” Tyler was fumbling in his dash trying to pull a cigarette out of his pack. “Dude, light a cigarette for me.”

“No.” I wasn’t putting that poison to my mouth even for ten seconds.

He made a sound of exasperation. “I forgot, you’re a purist. I respect that about you, but right now it’s not helping my personal addiction.”

“Robin is the only person I’ve ever met who is as clean as I am,” I told him.

“Yeah, about that. She wasn’t always that way. She was a regular on the party scene last year. So maybe it will last and maybe it won’t. Just FYI.”

“I know. She told me that.” But it had me thinking. What had changed?

When we got back to the house, I showered and borrowed more clothes from Riley. I took all the dirty laundry from his and the boys’ room downstairs and put it in the washing machine. Since I was bumming clothes off everyone, the least I could do was wash them. Though I wasn’t sure who the Sexiest Bearcat tank top belonged to. It came out of Tyler’s room, but I couldn’t picture Rory wearing that, but what did I know?

Apparently not much. I sat out on the back patio where there was a decent breeze and I started doing some poking around on the Internet on my phone, checking out Robin’s social media sites.

Tyler was definitely telling the truth. There were dozens of pictures of Robin posing with friends at parties with a glass in her hand, or sometimes a beer can. It didn’t even really look like the girl I had met. She had big hair and lots of makeup on, and in every picture she was wearing tight and tiny clothes. Jessica and Kylie were with her a lot, and they were smiling and laughing and doing sexy poses. Douchey guys were photobombing half the shots or had their arms around the girls. There was only a picture or two with Rory in it, and she never dressed like her friends. They would be towering in high heels and miniskirts, and she would be wearing a floral dress with a lacy collar, looking out of place.

Robin definitely looked the party girl part in these pictures.

Interesting.

So which one was the real Robin?

I knew which one I liked better. The one I knew. The one who wore easy and loose clothes and who never had a single speck of makeup on her beautiful face. Those fake eyelashes crawling above her eyes in some of the pictures made me want to reach through my phone and yank them off. That wasn’t her. I didn’t think.

Where was the girl who studiously painted and sketched, her face a calm lake of concentration? Where was the girl who laid on the blanket beside me and quoted Thoreau to the sky?

It was disturbing and after half an hour I felt tense. There was only one recent picture of her up and it had a July date and had been posted by Jessica. Robin was wearing some kind of uniform and they were in a restaurant. The description was “We need tips, bitches!” written by Jessica. Robin was sitting down at the bar, bottles behind her, and she was leaning on her hand, like she was exhausted. The smile she gave the camera was lukewarm and forced, and there were circles under her eyes. I knew this face. Not the other ones.

Tossing my phone down on the picnic table, I tried to process what I was feeling. It was weird, but I already missed her.

And now I wanted to know what had changed in her life. What had happened.

When Tyler came and sat next to me to smoke a cigarette, I asked him, “Where’s Jessica?” I knew she didn’t know anything, given the conversation I’d heard between her and Robin, but I was curious what else she might be able to tell me.

“She and Riley took Easton to buy school supplies. Half an hour they’ll be back and Riley will be bitching about how much paper costs and Easton will spend an hour rearranging his pencil case. Mark my words.”

“Things seem good here, cuz.” It did. They looked to have settled down into a life that was working for all of them.

“It is. Sad it couldn’t really happen until after Mom died, but there it is. You know how it goes.”

“I do.” I propped my head with my hand. “I give it a month before my mom comes around looking for me or you to bum money off of. Just be prepared for it.”

“I know.”

“So what happened to Robin?” I asked, straight out. “Because something obviously did.”

Tyler just shook his head. “I don’t know. You said it yourself—if she wants to tell anyone, she will.”

That wasn’t good enough for me. Because I had a sneaking suspicion that despite what she had told Jessica, this was about a guy making her uncomfortable. And I also thought I knew who it was. “Was Nathan at that party? The one Jessica was talking about, back at the beginning of the summer?”

“Yeah.” Tyler blew out a stream of smoke.

“Was Kylie?”

“No, she’s been back home all summer.”

“Who else was there?”

“I don’t know. Bill, Nathan’s roommate. Fifty other people. Robin was hanging around with some guy Jessica knows.”

I didn’t want to know what that meant. I could already feel the beginnings of jealousy. Frustrated, not sure why, I went to send a text to Robin. My first instinct was just to say “hey,” but then I knew that wouldn’t give me the response I wanted. So I started surfing for a kitten picture as Tyler watched me.

“Phoenix.”

“Yeah?”

“If Robin isn’t in a good place, if she isn’t, you know, emotionally healthy or whatever, is that really the best person for you to be involved with? Don’t get pissed. I’m just asking because we’re blood. And I care.”

He looked uncomfortable with what he had just said, and I appreciated the effort. “I don’t know, man. But when has that ever stopped anyone for falling for a girl? Logic’s got nothing to it with it.” I shook my phone. “Hell, I’m searching for kitten pictures for her because she likes them. I mean, what the fuck does that tell you?”

“That you’re whipped.”

I gave my cousin a rueful look, not at all offended. “Exactly. Ty, you know what we did yesterday? We had a picnic in the park. A picnic. Who does that for me? No one.”

“A girl who likes you.” He shot me a grin. “Though God knows why.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“Did you shower?” He made puckering lips at me.

I recoiled. “Dude.”

Tyler laughed so hard he started coughing. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Dick.”

“Pussy.”

Quality family time. That’s what we were having. It felt good.

Jayden came out of the house with an unholy grin on his face. Then we got drenched with water as he let loose with a water gun. It actually knocked Tyler’s cigarette out of his hand. I shook my hair out of my eyes and tried not to laugh.

“I’m going to kill Jessica for buying him that.”

Tyler didn’t really look mad. But he did leap off the picnic table and go after his brother, who screamed and ran into the kitchen, pulling the door shut behind him.

Wiping my now wet phone on my jeans, I sent Robin a picture of a cute and fluffy white kitten. I typed “you” in the message. Then I sent her a grumpy cat image. “Me.”

Having saved two pictures of her off her page, the one of her at work looking so tired and an earlier one of her wearing a clinging red dress, spray tanned and arms up in the air as she danced, I was studying them side by side when she responded.

It was an image of two adult cats leaning shoulder to shoulder on each other. “Us,” was all she had written.

Fuck me. I wanted that.

Despite what everyone seemed to think, I did have emotions other than anger.

I just didn’t know what to do with them.

I wasn’t playing it cool with Phoenix. I knew that. I just didn’t care. What did playing head games with guys get me ever? A boyfriend who cheated and a lot of casual dates. There was no flirt left in me. She seemed to have disappeared with the vodka. So I was just being honest with Phoenix and he seemed okay with it. Maybe in another three days he would get bored with me, but then whatever. It was better than pretending that I was too busy or too in demand to spend time with him.

But I did feel a twinge of embarrassment that maybe I had overreached with the cat picture. His response came right away, though, and had been to ask me if he could see me later, so I felt reassured. More than that. I felt pleased. Excited.

The way he had kissed me . . . like I was precious, fragile. Like he wanted to meld us together into one person. Like he genuinely liked me, like he looked at me and saw me and wanted me. It wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t what I had ever experienced.

Then Kylie and Nathan had shown up and I had immediately felt guilty. Not only did I feel guilty about Kylie, but I felt guilty that Tyler knew and that Phoenix didn’t. Plus I felt a little sick to my stomach at seeing Nathan, who had acted weird about Phoenix being there. I hadn’t seen Nathan since that morning in his room, and I hadn’t been with a guy since then, but here he had to go and see me in bed with someone? I knew he was thinking I was a slut and I didn’t really blame him. There was no point in telling him the truth. I didn’t want to talk to him and it didn’t really matter what Nathan thought of me.

It couldn’t be good. Not in the ways that mattered.

Having dinner with my parents tonight, I texted. Classes start 2morrow but maybe we could do something 2morrow nite?

I start work. 3 to 11. Lunch?