K. Bromberg - Bend

All kinds of fucked-up emotions were springing forth, ranging from guilt and shame, to a little bit of resentment when they headed off to their room that night…together, as in at the same time, which almost never happened.

I went to bed with my ear buds in, listening to a heavy metal station because I'd be damned if I was going to let myself get lulled to sleep by the sound of their headboard banging a tune against their wall. And that's when the resentment part really started seeping in, and I know that's fucked up, alright?

I busied myself at work, and then stayed late to work out each night at the gym so that I would miss dinner with my guys. It seemed that putting up with Darin's little comments and innuendos in the weight room was preferable to my feeling like some twisted bitch home-wrecker.

The truth was that Eli hadn't been anything but sweet to me since his return home. Yet something had changed and we both knew it.

I would lie alone in my bed every night and feel totally clueless as to how I was supposed to handle this. I ached for Cain, but I knew that I really had no right to feel that way, if that made sense.

It was Thursday and it was New Year's Eve to boot. Long holiday weekend.

Fucking lovely.

I was just finishing up with my filing when my cell rang. It was Cain.

"You gonna be home for dinner tonight or are you going to continue avoiding me?"

I took a moment to gather my thoughts because he was right. I no longer felt comfortable around him—or Eli for that matter. This was too difficult for me. I didn't possess the emotional armor to be able to pull something off like this. At all.

"I'm sorry," I squeaked out. "You're right—I have been avoiding you guys."

"Why?" he deadpanned, as if it weren't totally obvious.

"I don't care who's blessing we have, Cain. I can't do this. I just can't. I love Eli too much. There. I've said it."

"What the fuck? You think that Eli and I don't love you every bit as much?"

"First off, Cain, I don't think that you should be the one speaking for Eli, okay? And secondly—regardless of how we all love one another, I can't share. Period. I'm going to find another place to live."

"The hell you are," he growled at me. "You're not going anywhere, Paige. You need to face the facts right here."

"Oh no," I said, tossing some downright haughtiness into my voice. I swiveled around in my desk chair so I faced the wall, hoping my voice didn't carry.

"You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot do. It's clear to me that you've not gone without fucking…someone since Eli came home. And how fucking pathetic is it that I even just said that to you? Jesus Christ, this is so not who I want to be," I halfway wailed. "So, to answer your question? I won't be home for dinner tonight…or breakfast tomorrow. Happy fucking New Year."

End Call.

I managed to find somewhere to crash for the night so that I could have some time to think things through like I needed to. One of my co-workers, Julie, came by as I was sitting in my car in the parking lot, staring into space and totally clueless as to where I could go.

"Hey, Paige," she called out, tapping on my car window. "Are you okay?"

The thing was, I didn't have girl friends, or sisters or even a brother that I felt comfortable confiding in when something like this was tearing me apart. All I had were Eli and Cain, and they were the problem.

I lowered my window. "Just some drama with roommates," I replied. "I suddenly wish it weren't a long, holiday weekend."

"You want to crash at my place?" she offered.

It was tempting, but I sure as hell didn't want her trying to dig into the details of my roommate problems in an effort to give me some sage advice.

"I mean, I'm staying with Rick over the New Year holiday so it's like you'd have the place to yourself…well almost, that is," she laughed. "Can you feed my cat, Brutus?"

Done fucking deal.

And so that's how it went.

I went to Julie's and spent the night, talking to Brutus and spilling my guts to him about my issues with these men. He was a great listener (for a tabby cat) and the best thing was that he never got judgy with me.

We rang in the New Year together. He just purred and rubbed against my ankles for most of the night, making sure that he had put his scent on me, like any other normal male I suppose.

I knew that Cain had a New Year's Day banquet to cater, and I'd heard Eli on the phone making plans to go to Darcy's for the traditional New Year's Day feast. He'd even invited me to go with him, but I had begged off, not looking him in the eye because he knew me well enough to know if I were lying.

Not that I lied to either one of them…anymore.

I left to return home at one o'clock, fairly certain that they'd both be out.

And then what?

I got on my cell and did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances.

"Hey Trace," I said when he picked up. "Happy New Year."

What a great way to start off the New Year! (Said no one ever.) I groveled to my older brother, who hadn't really been speaking much to me since I'd been tossed out of their home for having cunnilingus on their kitchen countertop. I now had the ultimate pleasure of asking him for temporary refuge, explaining I would fill him in on the details later.

I'd have to create some plausible reason other than the truth, or I'd be tossed out once again, I was sure.

I obviously couldn't ask Easton because of Darcy's close relationship with Eli. She'd have it all figured out in a nanosecond.

I mean, hopefully my application for a full-time position with the F.B.I. would be approved and I'd receive a salary that could sustain my livelihood, but I was fully prepared that, if that didn't happen, then maybe it was just a sign that it was time for me to move on.

I pulled into our driveway and breathed a sigh of relief. Cain's car was gone, and as soon as I hit the remote for the garage, I saw that Eli's was gone as well.

I grabbed several empty boxes from the garage and headed into the house with them. I was determined to work quickly and efficiently to clear out my closet and dresser drawers before either of them returned. I figured I had a couple of hours, minimum.

I emptied my closet and took those boxes out and put them in the trunk of my car. I grabbed a couple of more empty ones and headed back to pack up my dresser drawers.

I was just finishing up when I heard the slam of the front door, and footsteps coming down the hall.

Fuck.

My bedroom door was open, which was probably fortunate, because I would've hated to see the damage done had it been closed and locked.

Eli came in, his light blue eyes flashing with something akin to anger mixed with pain.

"So, this is what you're about?" he growled, his hands on his hips, glaring at me.

"Wh-What?" I croaked in confusion. "How did—?"

"How did I know?" he asked, eyes flashing. "You forget that Lindsey and Darcy talk almost hourly. She shared with Darce that you were to be a temporary houseguest. Wasn't all that hard to figure out you were bailing on us."

I shook my head, looking down at the floor.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

"Answer my question, Paige. You were just gonna leave us like that?"

"Eli," I said with a sigh, sitting down on my bed. "Calm down, okay? This is for the best. I can't even look at you because…of…"

"Of what?" he growled, flexing his hands at his sides as if he wanted to punch something…or someone.

Fuck. He's furious.

"Because of what I did…with Cain. And don't you dare tell me that you're fine with it because I don't fucking believe that."

He grabbed me by the arm, pulling me roughly to my feet. I was standing within inches of him, and I could feel the heat of his anger envelope me.

"You love Maddox," he said, his words very distinct. "And you love me, too. You think I don't know that?"

"I know that you do, but it's different."

"Hell yeah, it's different," he growled. "I fucking love you, Paige, and yeah, it's different than the way that I love Maddox, but that doesn't make it inconsequential now, does it?"

His hands were locked around my wrists, forcing me to look at him.

"I don't understand," I replied, honestly.

"Baby," he sighed. "You are trying to compartmentalize this situation. It's not black and white; it's not right or wrong. It's not even fifty-fifty because everyone's different, just as everyone's needs are different."

He relaxed his grip on me a bit, and pulled me down next to him as he sat down on my bed.

"I knew from the time that I was in junior high school that I was attracted to both sexes, but it's not like you think—like most people think. I'm attracted to the individual first; the gender is secondary to that. People automatically assume that bisexuals are simply people who want both genders sexually and cannot be monogamous to either. That's just not true."

"So then why did Cain refer to you being a 'closet' bisexual? I mean, that suggests that you have an overall preference…to the male gender."

He nodded his head, and clasped his hands together under his chin, taking a moment.

"I'm not sure what all Maddox told you," he said, and I realized I probably shouldn't have blurted out what I had. "But the truth is that I fell in love with an exchange student from Sweden my senior year of high school. Her name was Greta. I'd prefer not going into the details with you right now, but suffice it to say, I was in love with her. She hurt me deeply, and after that, I made a conscious choice to focus on the male gender only for future relationships. It worked out well until I met…Darcy."

What?

"What?" I gasped. I felt my eyes widen in surprise.

He nodded, his eyes caressing my face and I could tell this just might be the first time that he'd shared this with anyone.

"It's true," he said, wistfully. "I didn't set out for that to happen, but I kinda fell in love with her. And, I mean, it was the hardest thing that I've ever had to control," he said with a laugh. "But, control it I did because the simple truth was that I had no faith in my ability to sustain a relationship with a female…after Greta, that is."

"But Eli," I said, taking his hand, "You mean that Darcy never knew?"

"That's right," he said, "Oh hell, I knew the morning after she'd first slept with Easton that she was gone. And that was fine because the beautiful thing was that I had met Maddox that same night. I knew that Darce would always be in my life, and I'm satisfied with that. Just like I know that Maddox will always be in my life. But you," he said solemnly, "You, I'm not sure of and I don't want to lose you because of my fear that I can't sustain a relationship with another female…after Greta."

I swallowed nervously. This was all new information for me. I never suspected that Eli had been drawn to me in that way…at all. I just knew that, at this moment in time, he had opened himself up to me in a way that even Cain had never done, and that made me love him so much differently.

"Oh my God," I breathed, turning to face him. "All of this time, I’ve loved you because I saw how much you loved Cain. So much, that you were willing to share him with me because of that love for him. And… you know, Cain tried to tell me that it was different than that, but I swear to God, Eli, you've never acted on…any sort of attraction towards me, I mean…"

He interrupted, pulling me closer to him on the bed. "Baby," he said softly. "It's because I see that chemistry going back and forth between you and Maddox…and, I guess I'm just not sure if there's enough of that same chemistry—in you—left over for me. Because I know that there's plenty in me left for you—if you want it, I mean."

And I think he might've just blushed right then, like a guy that was wearing his heart on his sleeve—just putting it right out there and so worried that it might not be enough.

But it was enough.

It was more than enough.