And then everything unsure about us flew right out the little fort window.

Our mouths came together in a desperate collision, hungry. It was a tangle of tongues and exhales, greedy and shameless. Hot breath glided across my face and down my throat as our wet mouths tried to conquer each other.

Lightning flashed outside, touching down close enough to make the air crackle with energy and the fort walls shake.

He gripped my hips as my hands, still clutching the flag, slid over his shoulders and pulled me up toward the mouth I wanted so much more of. I whimpered desperately and I wasn’t even ashamed. This was Levi. This was everything right.

His hands slid up my body and held my face, his warm palms cupping the sides of my neck as his thumbs stroked the edge of my jaw and the curve of my cheeks.

He kissed me like he owned me. Like I was his, and his alone, to kiss. And I wanted to be.

I felt precious and sexy at the same time. His hands fell back to my hips, where he pressed his fingers into the exposed skin below my shirt. He was touching my skin; he was lighting me on fire.

We kissed and touched in the little fort to the sound of angry thunder and heavy rain; falling on the wooden planks of the meager roof; falling on the dirt outside. Drenching everything I ever thought I knew about myself. Changing me—changing us—forever. And it was beautiful.

But that was before everything went to hell.

* * *

It’s just cheesecake. It’s harmless.

Yet I’m staring at it like at any moment it might grow teeth and gnaw off my arms.

“Just wrap it up, honey, and put it in the fridge for tomorrow,” Mable says as she hangs up her apron for the night and finds her purse, completely oblivious to my current cheesecake phobia. “I’ll make the toppings in the morning.”

I nod.

Charity loved cheesecake.

“Good night, love.”

“Night,” I say halfheartedly as Mable exits through the dining room door. I hear a roll of distant thunder groan outside. Then nothing.

It’s suddenly very quiet in here, and I can’t help the memories that start whispering in the silence.

Last summer, Charity and I went to a party and got drunk. Wasted, actually. We always drank too much.

It was the day after my impromptu make-out session with Levi in the fort, and he and I hadn’t spoken since. I wasn’t sure how I felt about our kiss—or maybe I was and that was why I was getting trashed—but either way, I was anxious about Levi’s feelings for me and the alcohol was making me feel better.

Charity was drinking and having a grand ol’ time, until she walked in on Daren making out with another girl. They weren’t technically dating at the time, but still she freaked out and they got into a giant fight. Charity came to find me in my drunken stupor, hysterical, crying her eyes out about Daren as I listened with fierce sympathy.

Even though Daren was our designated driver that night, I was emphatic about getting Charity the hell out of that party. I insisted we drive ourselves home.

“To hell with him,” I’d said. “Let’s get out of this shithole!”

“Yeah!” Charity said. “I’m the soberest of the two of us. I’ll drive!”

We were stupid.

We climbed into Charity’s little car and she peeled out onto Canary Road with me as her passenger. We were eighteen and thought we were invincible, listening to loud music as we both ranted and cursed Daren’s name. Then, out of nowhere, Levi’s truck appeared in front of us, blocking the road beside the ridge burn.

Charity slowed down with a curse. “How does my brother always know where we are?” She made a face. “It’s like he has spies everywhere.”

“Your brother’s hot,” I said with a drunk giggle.

“Ew. That’s so gross.”

I sighed and slurred, “I want Leaves to like me.”

“God.” She rolled her eyes. “He does. Leaves loves you. Leaves leaves you. Loves leaves you? What am I trying to say?”

We giggled as we neared the truck.

Levi was standing in the middle of the road, looking like a pissed-off superhero with his messy dark hair and steel-blue eyes as he motioned for Charity to pull over. The hazard lights of his truck blinked into the night as he stood before us.

She pulled over and stopped the car as Levi parked his truck on the side of the road. Then he stormed over to her door.

Yanking it open, he said, “What the hell’s the matter with you, Charity? Driving drunk? Get your ass out of the car!”

She started bawling. “You don’t understand, Leaves. I caught Daren kissing Sierra Umbridge at the party and he’s such an asshole and I just had to get out of that party, so Pixie said we should just drive ourselves—”

“I don’t care!” He leaned in and turned off the ignition.

“Stop yelling at me!” Charity’s tears dried up with her anger.

He grabbed her face and looked at her sternly. “You scared the shit out of me.” His voice trembled as he looked into her eyes and released her chin. “Go get in my truck.”

“I’m really not that drunk—”

“Now,” he said, his voice getting all scary and low.

She shook her head. “No. I need my car in the morning for work and—”

“Fine.” He growled. “Get in the backseat and I’ll drive your car.”

She huffed and clambered out of the car, stumbling in her high heels as she walked to the back door.

He climbed into the driver’s seat and pierced me with his intense gaze, and I swear a piece of my heart broke with just that one look.

I tucked my lips in. “You seem mad.”

“I am mad.” He leaned over and made sure my seat belt was buckled before closing the door and putting on his own.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “This is all my fault. I told Charity we should drive home. I didn’t mean for you to have to drive out here and get us. I’m so sorry, Leaves. So, so sorry.”

He met my eyes with a desperate gaze, and that’s when I realized his anger was really just fear. Terrible and sad fear.

“Driving drunk is stupid.” He looked away. “You know better, Pix.”

A slow, hot tear rolled down my face. I did know better. I had disappointed him. I had scared him. I’d probably lost him forever too.

Charity climbed into the backseat and fumbled with her seat belt until it clicked into place. Levi pulled back onto the road, driving alongside the ridge burn as he yelled at us about how we should know better. And then…

I don’t know.

Lights. Horns. Whooshing sounds.

And everything went black.

When I regained consciousness, I was in a hospital bed with IVs strung from my limbs, machines beeping at me, and breathing tubes shoved down my throat. I had a nasty gash in my chest from a thick shard of glass that had torn through my body, and my lungs were collapsing.

I was barely alive.

Levi was unconscious a floor below me.

And Charity was dead.

My best friend was dead.

I try to push the memories away as I stare down at the cheesecake. The memories hurt. They hurt so much. But it’s no use.

They all come screaming back, cutting through me like that damn shard of glass until I’m lost and lonely and all flayed open under the dim kitchen lights.

And now I’m crying.

20 Levi

It’s my first game as starting quarterback at ASU. My parents are in the stands with Charity and Pixie, all of them cheering me on. The girls are both wearing jerseys with my name and number on the back, and Pixie has a sun devil painted on her face.

It’s the happiest I’ve ever been. My dreams are within reach, and everyone I care about is rooting for me. I can do this. I will do this.

“Go, Leaves!” Charity calls from the bleachers. I don’t know how I hear her, or how I know it’s Charity’s voice, but I just do. And I’m filled with pride—

I dart up in bed, gasping for air. A thin layer of sweat coats my chest as I try to calm myself. I stare across my dark room at the newly patched wall, my heart slamming against my rib cage, my lungs tight and hot.

I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember.

She was so proud…

The ache in my chest coils tighter and tighter until I can no longer stay in bed. I get up. I pace. I run my hands through my hair as I pad across the hardwood floor.

My window rattles with a bellow of thunder as a white fork of lightning strikes outside. The beige envelopes on my desk light up with the flash, daring me to ignore them a moment longer as my heart continues to pound.

Beige envelopes. Nightmares.

Relentless bastards, indeed.

I snatch an envelope up and tear it open, knowing full well what I’ll find inside. The letterhead crinkles as I slowly unfold it.


Dear Mr. Andrews,

I realize your personal life took a tragic turn last year and a slip in your studies is understandable. But as the dean of students here at Arizona State University, I have no choice but to suspend your enrollment until you are ready to return to school with a refreshed perspective. That being said, the terms of your academic probation are temporary and can be rectified by submitting a single essay to my office on the concept of winning.

The concept of winning is not solely reserved for athletics. It applies to all fields of pursuit and, in your case specifically, academic standing. I hope to see your essay on my desk by the end of this summer so Arizona State University may welcome you back, both to school and to the football field, this coming fall.

Sincerely,

Dean Maxwell

Another streak of lightning cuts across the black night and the clouds finally break, releasing the heavy downpour they’ve been holding back all summer. The storm falls to the earth, loud, dark, and wild, as I reread the letter.

Then I crumple it up and toss it in the trash.

The demons can go to hell.

* * *

Rain has been falling steady all night, and the morning drizzle doesn’t look as though it will be letting up anytime soon. My sleep was plagued with nightmares and truths, so I’m exhausted as I roll out of bed and quickly shower.

When I exit the bathroom, Pixie is standing there with her shower supplies and a blank expression on her face.

We haven’t spoken in days.

We silently move past each other without speaking, without touching.

After getting dressed, I hurry from the east wing and grab my To Do list from Ellen. The first item is a broken drawer behind the front desk.

Just as I reach the lobby, Haley bursts through the front door, her giant purse falling off her arm as she rounds the desk.

“I’m here, I’m here!” she announces to no one, completely out of breath.

Haley has punctuality problems.

Her orange shirt is dotted with dark spots of rain, and her shoes squeak against the wood floor as she rounds the desk. She throws her purse down with a heavy thud, water droplets running down the material in thin rivers, and tucks her thick black hair behind her ears.

“Hey, Levi!” She waves at me even though I’m only a foot away.

I step over her giant bag.

“Hey.” I start assessing the drawer damage as thunder cracks outside and vibrates the front windows.

“Ellen’s not here yet, is she?” She looks around nervously as she clicks on the computer and starts rummaging through things, trying to act like she’s been hard at work for an hour.

“She’s in her office,” I say.

Haley sighs in relief, picks her purse back up, and digs around inside until she comes up with a candy bar. “So… how have you been?”