I closed my eyes and the tears spilled over, leaving hot tracks in their wake. I shook my head back and forth, fighting for air, my chest expanding but unable to take in a breath. I could only sob, my face scrunching up as every rotten part of me came out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently. “Ellie, please tell me.”

I sniffed hard, my mouth wet with my sadness, the words so afraid to come out.

But they did.

“I love you, Camden. I love you so damn, fucking much and it’s so right and it’s so wrong because people are dying, and we’re almost dying and Gus is out there and my mother and we can’t trust anybody and all I can think about is you. All I can think about is how much I love you and how badly I fucked everything up and I don’t deserve you but I need you.” I made a fist with my hands and pounded it against his chest, hard, my tears flowing. “I fucking need you and I need you to forgive me. I need that more than anything in the world! I need you to make me good.”

He swallowed hard, letting me hit him, his fingers strong on my jaw. “Ellie. You are good. You don’t need me for that.”

“I am so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” he said. “I never wanted it to be this way.”

To be this way.

To be this way.

My heart clenched painfully and I hunched over, fighting for breath.

“What way?” I choked out. “What way?”

“The way it is,” he said, brows pinched together. “The way it will be.”

There was a knock on the door, causing both of us to snap to attention.

“What is going on in there?” Dom’s voice came through. “Camden, Ellie, we have to go. Now.” He pounded on the door again until Camden yelled, “All right, we’ll be out in a minute!”

He stepped away from me, quickly pulling up his pants and fixing his belt before handing me my hiking boots and slipping my jeans back up my legs. His hands lingered momentarily on the cherry blossom tattoo before sliding back up.

I pulled up the jeans and slipped my boots on before jumping down to the floor, my shoulder leaning against the weight of his body for balance. He hadn’t really done the most thorough job of tending to my wounds, but at least all the action got the car parts and glass out of my hair which now littered the bowl of the sink. I clung onto that bit of humor because that’s all I had. I had hoped, wanted, needed us to be closer, for the sex to bring us together, to let him feel that he had me, all of me, and whatever happened between Javier and I was gone. It was his seed inside me right now. He had me body and soul.

But then, he was looking at me like he was being torn in half.

And I felt like I was left with nothing.

“You ready?” he asked.

I wiped underneath my eyes and asked, “Do I look like a mess?”

He smiled, his eyes sad. “You’re allowed to look like a mess, Ellie.”

I guess he was right about that. I brushed my hair behind my ears and shrugged.

“Then a mess I shall be.”

We left the dingy washroom and walked across to the car. It was night now, hot and dark with a sky filled with cicadas and stars. Dom and Este already appeared to be inside the Escalade and Javier was left leaning against his passenger-side door, puffing on a cigar, his eyes following our every move.

I stiffened for a moment, wondering what Javier would say or think. Then I realized it didn’t really matter anymore. My heart broke for him, for the loss of his sister, but I refused to let it break because of Camden.

He watched us in the silence, still not having said a word to us since the explosion. Camden didn’t even look at him, perhaps he couldn’t. I thought maybe he would have looked smug about what had happened, about what we so obviously had done in that bathroom, but he didn’t. He only kept his eyes forward and got in the car.

I paused by the door, watching Javier exhale a cloud of smoke.

He looked at me once, just briefly, and though I couldn’t see clearly through the haze, I picked up on the pain in his eyes. Camden was right. I was mess.

“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping my hands anxiously on my jeans. “About Violetta.”

He stared at me and it was almost as if I could see whatever sick ties he once had to me were snapping one by one. The freedom was exhilarating. The uncertainty was terrifying.

“Get in,” he said, his voice rough as sandpaper.

I nodded, taking what I could get, and got in the car after Camden.

We drove through the night and after we passed through the border into Guatemala, our passports all checked and cleared, I fell asleep. I didn’t wake up until the dawn was breaking and the Escalade was pulling into the city.

We came to a stop outside of a small white house with a terracotta tiled roof and waited for a few moments.

“Any way we can stretch our legs, maybe get a coffee?” Camden asked.

Este was in the driver’s seat now with Dom snoring beside me, completely out. He eyed Camden in the mirror. “In a bit. We don’t want to stay a second longer in this city than we have to.”

Camden nodded with a sigh and sat back in his seat. Javier unbuckled his seat belt and stepped out of the car, walking up to the front door of the house. Before he had a chance to knock he was met with an extremely buff man in a wife-beater with a shaved head and ripped camo pants. He was white, with piercing blue eyes I could see all the way from where I was.

“Who is that?” I asked.

“His name is Derek,” Este said. “He’s American.”

“I can see that.”

“He was in the Afhganistan war. Married a Mexican woman. She died on the streets, caught in the gunfire of two cartels. He decided to stay behind and clean shit up.”

“I see,” I said slowly.

“He’s good at getting in and getting out,” Este went on. “He’s fearless and ruthless. Souless.”

“Like Javier,” I found myself saying. My eyes darted to Este, catching my mistake but he only smiled.

“He’s got training that none of us have. And as long as you pay him well, he’s loyal to the bone. If anyone can get your people back, it’s Derek.”

Derek and Javier came over to the back of the Escalade, Derek with only a small backpack. Javier opened the trunk and Derek quickly slid inside.

I smiled at him but he didn’t smile back. Instead, he nodded curtly and then lay down, still as death, staring up at the ceiling.

I exchanged a nervous look with Camden. Our little team was growing bigger, each new person adding an uncertainty that wasn’t there before. But worrying wouldn’t do me any good. This was out of my hands. If I wanted to get Gus and my mother back, we had to go through with it. I laid myself bare last night – no use being guarded now.

We drove for a bit until the city was far behind us along with its overgrown trees and layer of smog. Este finally stopped at a small diner where we all got coffees and churros to go. It was stinking hot out, waves of heat rising from the road, the sun bearing down relentlessly.

“We’re closer to the equator now,” Este had said, watching as I wiped the sweat off my brow as we stood around the car, waiting for Dom to get out of the restroom. “It will be cooler in the jungle.”

“So how is this going to work exactly?” Camden asked, shoving the last remaining bit of the churro in his mouth.

Este looked to Javier who was on his cell phone, talking to someone in Spanish. Javier ignored him and turned around, slowly walking to the other side of the car. Este shrugged at Camden. “Well I have the coordinates on my iPad, picking up from Satellite feed, it will take us straight there.”

“iPad?” Camden asked, almost laughing.

Este gave him a look. “Why mess with a good thing? You’d be amazed at the apps that the cartels have floating among them. You can’t buy them on iTunes but they can save your life. And your money. I’ve made a few myself. The one we’ll be using, we can almost watch our own selves going through the forest in real time.”

Este went on about the mission, how the six of us would go in until a certain point and then split up. There were the people who would need to go in silently, and the ones who would go in blazing. They weren’t quite decided yet on who would go where. I guess that remained to be seen.

While he chatted to Camden some more, Derek listening and staying silent, I decided to go and look for Javier.

He had just hung up the phone and put it in his pocket, facing away from me. I walked over to him, carefully, like he could attack at any minute. He seemed wounded and like any animal, ready to defend himself against predators. In this case, the predator was me.

“Javier,” I said softly.

He turned slowly and I stopped where I was, dust flying up from my boots and settling in the air around us like spilled flour. His mouth was set in a hard line and his eyes were even harder like that, glinting like golden stones. He appraised me, taking me in, not sure what to do or say or feel. I could tell half of him wanted to hate me, hit me, make me bleed. And the other half, well that was the sadness I could see masked far beneath. I knew him well enough to know when he was burying shit deep inside.

I reached out for him, slowly putting my hand on his shoulder. He didn’t flinch but he eyed my hand like I carried some disease. I left it there for a second, hoping the weight of it would translate the weight in my heart, before I took it away.

I stuck both my hands in my back pockets and looked at the ground. “I’m so sorry.”

He breathed in sharply through his nose, his eyes cutting into me with curiosity. “About?”

“Violetta.” Even saying her name hurt.

He looked away for a moment and tilted his head to the side. “It has happened. It is done.”

“I gave her the car keys,” I said, fighting the stiffness in my throat. The terrible guilt that festered inside me, the guilt that wouldn’t go away.

He nodded once and quick. “It wasn’t your fault. I didn’t realize soon enough what was going on. I played it too safe.” He exhaled and checked the time on his phone. “No point dwelling on it though. If she had left right away back in Mexico City, none of this would have happened. She chose to get involved. She made her choices when she friended the Zetas.”

He was making it sound so simple. But, like Violetta said, maybe there was no point in making things complicated if they didn’t need to be.

“She’s dead,” he said with finality. “That’s the cost of doing business sometimes.”

And just like that, whatever vulnerability, whatever hurt and pain I thought I had seen beneath the surface, was all gone. Wiped clean. All that was left was Javier Bernal a drug lord with only one thing on his mind – his own rise to the top. He was steel and hard lines and ice in the middle of the tropics. He was the only thing that would never melt, no matter what pressure was applied to him. He was a human, a machine, a man who I knew had lost his soul forever. He lost it somewhere far away and it was no longer my job to get it back for him. Maybe it never was my job.

I swallowed hard and said, “Well, just so you know. I liked her.”

“And that was your problem,” he said, giving me a dry smile. “If you hadn’t gotten close to her, you wouldn’t care so much. Let that be a lesson to you, Ellie. Don’t get close to the people you know will die. Don’t get close to anyone. We’ll all die at some point.”

Dom appeared at the front of the car, slamming back a coffee and climbing into the driver’s seat. He eyed us over his aviators. “Time to go.”

Javier left me standing there, slightly dumbfounded, going around to the passenger side of the car. I shook my head when Dom slammed his door shut and I got in the back.

It turns out we were close to the Honduran border, which proved to be an easy checkpoint. I don’t know what the guards would have done if they had searched the car and found stacks of weapons in the back with Derek, but from the giant wad of cash I saw Dom hand them, I had a feeling it wouldn’t have mattered. Money went further than honor here and we certainly paid our way.

Once in the country, it was another five hours of driving through piss-poor towns, crumbling roads and rampant wildlife like monkeys who liked to dart from the overhanging canopies, until we finally reached Catacamas for our last dinner in civilization. Of course knowing how wanted we all were, we sent Derek out to get questionable food from a street vendor and we all ate in the car, without the air conditioning on.

I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Camden yet and every time we were alone for a few moments, he would suddenly busy himself with questions for Este. I don’t know if he just wanted to be on top of everything and be a man with a plan or if he was avoiding me. Part of me was feeling ashamed for opening myself to him last night but the other part was glad I did it. It was out on the table. He knew how I felt and that’s all I could do. I was a woman born of lies, but here I was being honest even when it hurt me the most.