Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn

Busy, and profitable. There are times when I really, really love my job. Today would be one of those times.

Mitch


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@Freemail.com>

Re: Stuart = Satan’s Spawn

I heard. Stuart did happen to mention that you deposed one of Amy Jenkins’s oppressed flunkies this morning. I take it it went well. Stuart seems to think you found the flunkie . . . ahem, worth your valuable time. True? False? Or do you plead the Fifth?

Stace


To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@Freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Uh-oh

Stuart’s making you ask, huh? God, he’s transparent. Well, you can tell him from me that I found his fiancée’s employee most agreeable.

That ought to kill him.

Mitch


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@Freemail.com>

Re: Uh-oh

Oh my God. The last woman I heard you describe as agreeable was that stewardess you met in Kuala Lampur. And remember how THAT turned out?

Stace

P.S. Stuart’s not the one I’m worried about. It’s Dad, actually.


To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@Freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Uh-oh

Yes, but I am older and wiser now, and no longer prone to be impressed by surgical enhancement.

Mitch

P.S. Since when does Dad care who I find agreeable? Since when does Dad care about anything except making par?


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Re: Uh-oh

Oh my God. You HAVE got it bad. What’s her name?

Stace

P.S. Um, does a triple bypass just eight months ago ring a bell?


To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Uh-oh

Her name is Kate.

Tell Jason I went ahead and reserved an 8 a.m. tee time tomorrow for us at New Canaan. If you’ll deign to let him out of the house. And I don’t care if it’s snowing, we’re still going.

Mitch

P.S. Tell Stuart to mind his own business.


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Re: Kate

Screw tee times in New Canaan. Get back to the girl. I’m a housewife with three kids, one of whom still isn’t potty trained. To me, romance is a quickie once a week while the kids are glued to SpongeBob SquarePants. If I’m lucky. Now spill it. What’s she like? I thought you hated MBA types.

Stace

P.S. I did. He threatened to tell on me about the Mercedes thing.


To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Kate

No, I hate other lawyers. Besides, she isn’t an MBA. She’s a BA. In social work. And thanks for sharing that SpongeBob SquarePants thing. Because I really needed to know that about my big sister.

And in answer to your query, from what I could tell during the incredibly brief interlude we shared this morning in Dad’s conference room, and what I have gathered from a former client of mine who happens to know her, Kate is kind and pure of heart, and recently broke up with her no-good rock-musician boyfriend, and likes chicken with garlic sauce.

Oh, and she’s blonde. And from Kentucky. And probably about as unlikely as any girl I’ve ever met ever to date a lawyer—especially one who works for a client like Peter Hargrave. Hope that helps.

Tell Jason they swear to me that the snow on the seventh green is melting. Also, if you want, I’ll come over afterwards and teach Little John how to pitch. Just so he doesn’t embarrass himself when he starts kindergarten, throwing like his dad. I mean, like a girl.

Mitch

P.S. The Mercedes thing? Again? Oh, what, and Mom threatened not to leave you her dolls?


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Re: Kate

Um, Mitch, not to burst your bubble, but Little John is two. Okay? He isn’t going to start kindergarten for at least three more years.

But of course you’re welcome to come by anytime. Fair warning, however: Jason’s brother—Little John’s namesake—and his wife Mel will be over in the afternoon with their new baby. I know how you tend to feel baby-overload if there is more than one set of Pampers in the room at a time, so I wanted to make sure you had time to prepare yourself mentally.

I know—why don’t you ask Kate to come along? She probably doesn’t like lawyers because she’s never really known one. Once she gets to know you, she’ll warm up to you. And what better way to show how sweet and cuddly lawyers can be than to see one in the bosom of his family? She could take the train up, and you can pick her up at the station after your golf game and bring her here. Then we can break out those expensive bottles of wine Stuart had his assistant send us for Christmas, and toast him and his bride-to-be. And it’ll be really fun because Stuart and Amy won’t actually BE here.

Come on, it’ll be great. Say you’ll invite her.

Stace

P.S. I’ll be sure to pass your assessment of my husband’s throwing skills on to him. I’m guessing he’ll be immensely flattered.

P.P.S. Yes about the dolls.


To: Stacy Trent <IH8BARNEY@freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Kate

Nice try, but if you think any guy is going to bring a girl he’s only met once in a professional setting home to meet his family, then can I just say that you have been out of the singles scene for a very, very long time? No offense, Stace, but I think you and Jason need to dump the kids on Mom and grab a weekend in Miami or something. The whole quickie-during-Spongebob thing has warped your idea of what romance actually is.

Allow me to assure you that the chances of my bringing any girl out to meet you and Jason and the kids . . . not to mention some of your many in-laws—even decent ones like John and Mel—before we’ve even—

Well, you can forget about it.

And now I have to go over to the offices of our future sister-in-law to inquire of her, in person, why she hasn’t returned any of my assistant’s calls asking her to schedule an appointment for her pretrial discovery conference.

And if I should happen, upon my way there, to run into Kate, you’ll undoubtedly hear all about it from Stuart, who’ll get it from Amy, so why should I trouble myself?

See you tomorrow.

Mitch

P.S. Really, Stace. You’ve got to stop letting them push you around. I’ll take care of the freaking kids while the two of you are in Paris next month. Okay?

P.P.S. Yeah, I knew. Mom’s been talking about it nonstop. You think I am not aware that she’s holding canceling on you like an anvil over your head? Relax. The kids love me. We’ll have a blast. And that whole thing with Little John’s first word—look, I told you, it just slipped out. The guy came at us from out of nowhere. It’s a wonder we weren’t killed. And wouldn’t you rather your son’s first word be of the four-letter variety than some boring Mamma or Dadda thing? Wouldn’t you?

New York Journal Employee Incident Report

Name/Title of Reporter:

Carl Hopkins, Security Officer

Date/Time of Incident:

Friday, 3:30 p.m.

Place of Incident:

NY JournalLobby

Persons Involved in Incident:

Dale Carter, no affiliation with the paper, 26

Mitchell Hertzog, outside legal counsel, 29

Kathleen Mackenzie, Human Resources, 25

Nature of Incident:

D. Carter attempted to enter building to give large bouquet of roses to K. Mackenzie. C. Hopkins stopped D. Carter at security desk and told him to wait for K. Mackenzie to come down to sign him in.

K. Mackenzie, when contacted, said would not come down.

C. Hopkins told D. Carter to leave.

D. Carter would not leave.

D. Carter said would wait until K. Mackenzie exited building for the day.

C. Hopkins informed D. Carter that no loitering in lobby allowed.

D. Carter again said would not leave.

D. Carter sat down in middle of lobby.

C. Hopkins contacted K. Mackenzie. Told K. Mackenzie that D. Carter would not leave.

K. Mackenzie came downstairs.

K. Mackenzie asked D. Carter to leave.

D. Carter said would not leave until K. Mackenzie listened to his new song.

D. Carter began to sing song (Why Won’t You Be With Me, Kate).

M. Hertzog entered building.

M. Hertzog approached K. Mackenzie.

M. Hertzog asked K. Mackenzie if there was a problem.

D. Carter finished song.

K. Mackenzie said Nice song now please leave.

D. Carter said would not leave until K. Mackenzie agreed to move back in with him.

M. Hertzog said I think the lady asked you to leave, now go.

D. Carter said Mind your own business.

M. Hertzog said Are you for real?

D. Carter said Try me and find out, Suit Boy.

K. Mackenzie told D. Carter if he did not leave she would notify local precinct and have D. Carter arrested for trespass.

D. Carter said did not care and would not leave until K. Mackenzie agreed to move back in with him. Also said would hit Suit Boy (M. Hertzog).

K. Mackenzie directed Security to notify local precinct.

Local precinct notified by C. Hopkins.

D. Carter began new song (Kate, Why Did You Leave Me)

Officers from local precinct arrived.

D. Carter finished song.

Crowd in lobby applauded.

D. Carter put under arrest by officers from local precinct.

D. Carter removed from premises by officers from local precinct.

Crowd in lobby booed.

K. Mackenzie requested D. Carter be listed as Persona Non Grata at 216 W. 57th Street.

PNG form filled out by C. Hopkins (see attached).

Follow-up:

Incident recorded, sent to A. Jenkins in Human Resources.

THE NEW YORK JOURNAL

New York City’s Leading Photo-Newspaper

Security Division

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

MEMO

To: All Personnel

Fr: Security Administration

Re: Persona Non Grata TheNew York Journal

Persona Non Grata Notification


Please note that the below-named individual has been classified as Persona Non Grata in 216 W. 57th Street as of the date of this notification, and will continue to remain so indefinitely. This individual is not to be allowed on or near the premises of 216 W. 57th Street at any time during the term of above sanction.

Name: Dale C. Carter

SS#: Unknown

Description: (place copy of ID picture if possible)

White male, 26 years of age

6 feet, 175 lbs

Blond hair, blue eyes

Seeks contact with Kathleen Mackenzie,

Personnel Rep, Human Resources, 3rd floor

This individual is not deemed dangerous, however, is prone to cause disturbances by singing and refusing to vacate premises when asked. Contact Security immediately upon sighting of above individual.

Journal of Kate Mackenzie

Oh my God, I can’t believe it, I am totally MORTIFIED. I can’t believe Dale did that. That seriously has to be the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me in my life . . . except for maybe when I accidentally walked in on Jen and Craig going at it in the kitchen the other day. . . .I seriously need to find another place to live.

But anyway. About today. And in front of Stuart Hertzog’s brother, too! I mean, he saw—and heard—the whole thing! Suit Boy! Dale actually called him that! He was just trying to help, and Dale called him Suit Boy!

He must think I’m a complete whack job now.

Or worse, he’s probably feeling sorry for Dale. He’s probably thinking I’m this cold-hearted bitch. “The guy wrote this great song about her and she won’t even give him a second chance. Well, I certainly won’t make the mistake of asking out someone as mean as she is.”

God! Like I ever even had a hope that he might. Ask me out, I mean. I mean, look at me! I’m sitting in a phone booth—A PHONE BOOTH—in the lobby, hiding from my coworkers . . . and from him. What kind of freak does that? Hides in phone booths? I mean, besides Superman?And he doesn’t hide in phone booths. He changes clothes in them. Only don’t ask me how, there’s barely enough room in here for me to move my pen, let alone put on a leotard.