And don’t say that YOU need my help and that that should be enough for me. I’m not talking about looking after someone’s bowling shoes or keeping the apartment stocked with coffee filters. I’m talking about helping people to make career and life choices. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but ultimately, when things are going the way they should, that’s what I do here at theJournal . And I really really love it.

But even you have to admit that my job and your job are totally incompatible. I mean, how many rock stars have you seen onBehind the Music who are married to human resource representatives? Not even one.

So Dale, please, please, please move on. I’m not coming back, not ever, and I know that, in time, you’ll see this is for the best.

Love,

Kate

Journal of Kate Mackenzie

According to Professor Wingblade, all human beings have worth and dignity. But I wonder if he would still feel that way if he met the T.O.D. I mean, she really is reprehensible. A little while ago, when we met up here in the outer office of Hertzog Webber and Doyle, she took one look at me and was like, “Well, it’s about time you dressed like a professional.” Right in front of the receptionist and Stuart and everything!

Thank God Mitch wasn’t here yet. But still. I guess she thinks we can ALL afford to raid TSE anytime we want. Maybe if I were making seventy grand a year like her, and not forty, like me, I could. But on my salary, it’s Ann Taylor Loft or nothing.

And she’s been so mean to poor Mrs. Lopez! I have to admit, I was kind of surprised to see her here—in Mitch’s office, I mean. I guess I forgot this whole thing revolves around her, and not the T.O.D. She does have a way of making everything be about her—the T.O.D., I mean.

Like when Mrs. Lopez was all happy to see me and offered me a slice of carrot cake from this pan she’d brought along, the T.O.D. gave me the dirtiest look for actually taking it. The cake, I mean. Maybe she was just jealous because Mrs. Lopez didn’t offerher cake. . . . Probably she’ll turn it into a whole big thing about how I’ve let the department down or something by siding with staff instead of management. I bet I’ll be playing trust games from now until the end of time.

I don’t care, though. This cake is heaven. If only I could make something as good for dessert when I go over to Mitch’s. Mrs. L gave me the recipe. And they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. . . .

He has on a Wonder Woman tie today. I love Wonder Woman. SHE would never let a tyrannical office despot make her feel guilty for eating cake.

What’s really weird is, when he showed up, Mrs. Lopez gave HIM cake, too. Not Stuart. She didn’t offer STUART one. But she did his brother.

Which means Mrs. Lopez’s whole thing about Stuart (whatever it is) isn’t because of a Hertzog FAMILY trait.

Why I should find this so comforting, I hardly know. But for some reason, the fact that Mrs. Lopez likes Mitch makes me not feel so bad about liking him, too.

Oops, here comes his assistant. I guess it’s my turn.

Ida Lopez’s Carrot Cake

Preheat oven to 350° F. Butter and flour two 9-inch cake pans.

Sift together and set aside:

2 cups flour

2 ½ teaspoons baking soda

2 teaspoons cinnamon

1 teaspoon salt

In a separate bowl, combine one cup canola oil and 1 ½ cups sugar. To the oil/sugar mixture add three eggs and the dry ingredients. Then add:

1 cup unsweetened apple sauce

3/4 cups grated California carrots (squeeze out the juice using cheesecloth)

1 cup walnuts

Mix on low speed until just incorporated (do not overmix). Divide batter between the two cake pans. Bake for 40 to 50 minutes. Give pans a quarter turn every 15 minutes.

To make the frosting, cream together 13 oz. cream cheese (room temperature), 5 oz. butter (room temperature). 1 ½ cups confectioners’ sugar, and 1 tablespoon lemon juice.

Deposition of Kathleen Mackenzie

in case of Ida D. Lopez/United Staff

Association of NYJ. Local 6884

vs.

The New York Journal

held at the offices of

Hertzog Webber and Doyle

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

Appearances:

Kathleen Mackenzie (KM)

Mitchell Hertzog (MH)

Amy Jenkins (AJ)

Stuart Hertzog (SH)

Ida Lopez (IL)

Jeri Valentine (JV), attorney for the plaintiff

Recorded by Anne Kelly (AK) for later comparison with stenographer’s transcript

Miriam Lowe, Shorthand Reporter and Notary Public within and for the State of New York

MH: Ms. Mackenzie, thank you so much for being here today. Ms. Mackenzie, Mrs. Lopez’s attorney and I have just been discussing the case of Ida Lopez with your supervisor, Ms. Jenkins, and there seems to be a disagreement that I hope you can settle, if you’d be amenable to that.

SH: Objection.

MH: Stuart, you can’t object. This is pretrial discovery, not the courtroom.

SH: Well, you didn’t listen last time I tried to interrupt.

MH: Maybe because you shouldn’t be interrupting.

SH: When it comes to the protection of my client, I most certainly will interrupt, as often as I deem necessary, if doing so will get us to the truth.

JV: Pardon me for interrupting, gentlemen. But don’t you two have the same client?

SH: You’d think so, wouldn’t you? We’re supposed to be working to get at the truth here, Mitch. For ourclient.

MH: But that’s what I’m trying to do. Get to the truth.

SH: By asking Ms. Mackenzie about a letter she can’t possibly remember writing?

MH: I am willing to give Ms. Mackenzie more credit than you are. I believe she is capable of remembering documents that she sent out under her own name. Most people are.

SH: Yes, but most people don’t, as Ms. Mackenzie does, have several hundred employees about whom she writes letters every day.

MH: She doesn’t write several hundred letters a day, however. Do you, Ms. Mackenzie?

KM: No.

JV: Don’t look at me, Stuart.I’mcertainly not going to object.

SH: Mitch—

MH: Ms. Jenkins, do you maintain that Ms. Mackenzie writes several hundred letters a day?

AJ: No, certainly not. But I do maintain that the document in question might—

MH: Let’s just ask Ms. Mackenzie, shall we? Ms. Mackenzie, I’m going to ask you about a certain document that you allegedly wrote, and I want you to tell me what you can about it.

KM: Well, I’ll try.

MH: Great. The document in question is a letter of written warning that Ms. Jenkins alleges Ida Lopez received before her dismissal last week. Do you remember writing such a letter?

KM: I remember writing arough draft of a warning letter to Mrs. Lopez after an incident that occurred prior to the one for which she was dismissed.

AJ: See? I told you!

JV: Excuse me, Ms. Jenkins. I believe, Ms. Mackenzie, you said youdrafted such a letter?

KM: Yes. But I never finished it.

AJ: That’s a lie!

JV: Please, Ms. Jenkins. Mr. Hertzog, would you please control your client?

MH: Hey there, Amy. Simmer down.

SH: This is ridiculous! Ms. Jenkins is understandably upset. The letter in question was undoubtedly finished and sent, as we have the signed copy right here, initialed by Mrs. Lopez to indicate she received it—

IL: And I tell you, I didn’t sign any such letter!

KM: She’s right. Mrs. Lopez couldn’t have initialed the letter I was writing to her, because I never finished it. I got interrupted, and right after that, the T.O.D—I mean, Amy—called, and said I was to dis—

AJ: I did not!

KM: —miss Mrs. Lopez. Amy, what are you talking about? Yes, you did.

AJ: This is a complete fabrication, a campaign by an incompetent employee to cover her ass because SHE screwed up!

KM: What are you talking about? You told me—

AJ: She’s lying! Stuart, she’s obviously lying. How could she not be, when the very fact that the letter exists AND was initialed by Mrs. Lopez—

IL: I didn’t initial anything! No one ever gave me anything!

MH: There’s an easy way to clear up this disagreement, don’t you think, Jeri? Why don’t you show a copy of the letter in question to Ms. Mackenzie—

AJ: This is an outrage! Stuart, are you going to let him do this to me? Are you going to take the word of someone with a clear grudge against the paper over mine?

JV: Ms. Mackenzie has no reason to harbor a grudge against the paper. Do you, Ms. Mackenzie?

KM: No, of course not.

JV: Fine. Now, if you would just look at this paper here that was found in Mrs. Lopez’s personnel file. . . .

SH: Mitch, could I please see you in the hallway?

MH: Hang on a minute, Stuie. I want to see what Ms. Mackenzie has to say.

SH: Mitch. The hallway. Now.

JV: Mr. Hertzog, could you please be quiet? Ms. Mackenzie is trying to concentrate.

SH: Oh, you have got to be shitting me with this, Jeri.

JV: I beg your pardon, but I’m not. Part of my client’s case against the paper includes the fact that proper procedure for dismissal—in this case as stipulated by her union—was not followed. And yet, miraculously, this piece of paper, which my client says she’s never seen before, has appeared in her file. I just want to verify that Ms. Mackenzie did indeed write and send it. Ms. Mackenzie? Did you indeed write and send the letter of written warning you are holding in your hand right now?

AJ: You can’t ask her to remember every piece of paper that crosses her desk. She’s just a paper pusher, after all—

JV: Again, Mitch, I’d like to ask that you control your client.

MH: Amy. Cool it.

SH: Coolthis, Mitch.

MH: Miriam, could you please let it be noted in the transcript that counsel for the defense just gave his fellow counsel for the defense what is known in the vernacular as “the finger”?

ML: Yes, sir.

SH: Miriam, strike that.

MH: Too late. Isn’t it, Miriam?

ML: Yes, sir.

JV: Ms. Mackenzie.

KM: Yes?

JV: The paper you’re holding. Do you remember writing it?

KM: Um. Well, I remember starting it . . . or one like it.

AJ: See? See, I told you she couldn’t remember. Can I go now?

JV: Please, Ms. Jenkins. Ms. Mackenzie?

KM: But I didn’t write this.

AJ: She’s lying!

SH: Really, Jeri, can’t you see what she’s doing? This young woman has a grudge against her employer because Ms. Jenkins had to reprimand her yesterday for wearing a skirt of an inappropriate length to the office, and she’s just trying to—

JV: Is that true, Ms. Mackenzie?

KM: Well. Yes, about the skirt. I mean, Amy issued me a warning letter about it.

MH: That skirt you had on yesterday? That black suede one you wore to the restaurant?

KM: Um. Yes.

MH: I liked that skirt. What was wrong with that skirt?

SH: Would you PLEASE stick to the topic at hand, Mitchell? We’re talking about forgery here. Because if that girl is saying she didn’t send the letter she’s holding, that is a very serious accusation—

MH: Did you sign this letter, Kate?

KM: That looks like my signature. But I didn’t write—or sign—this letter.

AJ: That’s impossible!

MH: And you didn’t hand that letter to Mrs. Lopez to initial?

KM: At no time did I hand any document of any kind to Mrs. Lopez to sign.

JV: Thank you very much, Ms. Mackenzie. Mr. Hertzog, Ms. Jenkins, looks like I’ll be seeing you both in court. Ida, let’s go.

SH: Hold on just a minute, here! Jeri, put your damned briefcase down. We aren’t done yet.

MH: Really? I think we are.

SH: Excuse me, Ms. Mackenzie. Do you realize the seriousness of what you’re saying?

MH: Do you think we’re done, Jeri?

JV: Very much so, Mitch.

SH: You’re implying, Ms. Mackenzie, that somebody has committed forgery.

KM: Well. I don’t know about that. All I know is, I didn’t write that letter. And I didn’t give it to Mrs. Lopez to sign.

MH: Thank you very much, Ms. Mackenzie. You may go now.

SH: No, she may not fucking go, Mitch.

JV: Well, my client and I are fucking going.

SH: Nobody is going anywhere. Ms. Mackenzie, how long have you worked at theNew York Journal?