And she used to come to ourFarscape marathon parties, too.

What can we do to get her back? Just let us know, and it’s done.

Tim


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: You

Do those sound like e-mails from people who are happy to see you go? No, they don’t. People here like you, Kate. MITCH likes you, too, barf on his shoes or not. Now cheer up.

Besides, you can’t put your head in Dolly’s oven, I just checked with her, and it’s electric. The worst that can happen is that you’ll bake yourself.

J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Me

Thanks for the e-mails. I guess they made me feel better. A little.

I’m going out to buy a paper. I need to start looking for a new job. Not to mention a new apartment. But first things first.

Did I mention I hate everyone in the whole universe? Present company excluded, of course.

Kate

MESSENGERS—Pros/Rookies.

BREAKAWAY COURIER is the Real Deal! Does your messenger service have health insurance, 401K & a retirement plan? We do! We also have good rates $250–$600+/wk. Our dispatchers have road exp. FT/PT. 212-555-6773 By appt only

Please. I don’t even own a bicycle.

OFFICE WORK, FT/PT weekdays.

Pleasant environment to do a variety of work. Some customer contact, strong Excel & Word a must. Salary DOE. Fax resume & salary requirements to:

212-555-4052

I can’t believe I went to college so I could file.

ACTIVISM JOBS FOR THE ENVIRONMENT — NYPIRG is now hiring students and grads for an urgent campaign to protect our air & water in NYC. F/T and P/T positions are avail immed earn $300–$1000/week w/oppty for advancement and benefits. EOE. Call Angie: (212) 555-PIRG (x7474)

Or knock on doors.

Fundraising/Devmt EOE MFDVSO. THE LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL & TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY CENTER Seeking exp'd counselors. Post-op transgenders preferred. Qualified applicants should fax cover letter stating sal history & desired pos: 212-555-2657

Great. The only way I’d qualify for this one is if I turn into a she-male.

ELECTRICIAN Expd Mechanic w/ following skills: Plan-install-wiring for installation of panels, fixtures, outlets, comm’l air conditioning & refrigeration, low voltage wiring, intercoms, security & fire alarm systems, motor controls & installing motors, fans & pumps. $1000+ week. Fx res: 212-555-1460

WHY didn’t I become an electrician?????

HEALTH FOOD HELP—PT/FT

Produce workers/Deli Juice Bar Person & Cashier wtd. Health Food Store Exp. Required. No Phone Calls. Please apply at Yoga Yogurt, 229 W. 13th St (btw 7th & 8th Ave)

Food service. Might as well move back to Kentucky and ask if I can have my old job at Rax Roast Beef.

LIFEGUARDS Wanted—

Free conditioning & training for great summer lifeguard jobs at NYC beaches and pools. Employment after successful completion of training course, final test and background check. By date of hire must be 16+. Call 212-555-7880 EOE

Ha! I WISH!


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Kate

Hi, Jen. I tried to call, but all I got was your voice mail.

Have you heard from Kate this morning? How’s she doing? I e-mailed her, but I haven’t heard back.

Let me know if you’ve heard anything.

Mitch


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Kate

She’s fine. Ornery, but fine.

I don’t think it will come as too much of a shock to you if I tell you that you are not one of her favorite people this morning, either. She doesn’t seem to remember too much about what happened last night. How are your shoes, anyway?

J



To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Kate

My shoes are fine. And it’s great to hear that Kate’s all right. Not so great, you know, that she hates my guts, but I can’t say I blame her.

Listen, do you have access to Kate’s computer at work? I was wondering if you’d be willing to commit a little white-collar crime for me. Nothing major, just check Kate’s e-mail IN box and see if that note from Amy Jenkins—the one telling Kate to quit writing the warning letter to Ida Lopez—is still there. Could you do that for me, and let me know? I’d appreciate it.

Mitch


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Kate

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but Kate’s workstation has been cleared, and her computer’s hard drive replaced. Amy got in here first thing after lunch yesterday and made sure the place was denuded of any sign that Kate Mackenzie ever worked here. Her files have been confiscated as well. My guess is, they’ve already met their fate with the office shredder. Amy is pretty thorough in her ruthless quest for total domination over the HR division of this company.

So unless Kate printed out a copy of her e-mail from Amy and took it home—which is exceedingly doubtful, knowing Kate, who likes to keep her work and home life separate—I’m sorry to say it’s gone, never to be seen again.

Nice try, though, Romeo.

J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Kate

I’m not giving up that easily. Give me the name and number of your IT guy, will you, Jen? Thanks.

Mitch


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Tim Grabowski <timothy.grabowski@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Kate

Got your message. Just tried calling but I got your voicemail.

Anyway, in answer to your question, the only way I could read Amy Jenkins’s e-mail is through her computer. All of our e-mail is sent through a POP server. The mail program automatically downloads mail from the server to the sender’s hard disk, then it erases them from the server, so the only way to get to the sent e-mail is to go onto the hard drive of the computer from which it was sent.

Which, unless you’ve got a key to Amy’s office, is going to be next to impossible.

Wish I could be more help. Kate’s a cute kid, and we’re all just crushed over what’s happened. If you talk to her, tell her that the nextFarscape marathon is at Raj’s. She’ll know what I mean.

Tim


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Tim Grabowski <timothy.grabowski@thenyjournal.com>

Re: You

Hey, what’s up with you and Dylan McDermott? You two an item yet, or what? I hope so. That guy is seriously easy on the eyes. But what’s with the Superfriends ties? Hermès is so much classier.

Still, he seems to really like you. At least he really wants to help you get your job back, which is the same thing, practically. Got a message from him.

Invite me to the wedding?

Miss ya.

Tim


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Mitch

What is going on with Mitch and IT? Tim just said Mitch had been in touch with him. Come on. Spill. You know you can’t keep a secret.

Kate

P.S. On my way to get a paper, I nearly got hit by a cab, and I didn’t even care. Seriously. It was like, Oh, look, this cab is about to hit me. But I wasn’t scared or anything. Because what would it matter if I died? Without my job, I have nothing to contribute to society anyway. I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

I was saved from the brink of death at the last minute by a Chinese food delivery man who pulled me back onto the curb. But still.


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Mitch

That taxicab story is horrifying, but it is not going to induce me to tell you what Mitch wanted.

He made me promise not to tell.

But I swear to you, Kate, this guy’s only got what’s best for you in mind. He’s the real deal.

You might want to rethink the suicide-by-cab thing. Just FYI.

J



To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: He’s the real deal

Sure, that’s what they all say. Excuse me if I take this opportunity to barf some more. Oh, hold on, the doorman is buzzing. Flowers being delivered from Skiboy for Dolly, no doubt.

Hey, do you have to tip flower delivery guys?

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Flower Delivery

Yes, you have to tip them. Two or three bucks, at least. Hasn’t anyone ever sent you flowers before?

And how do you know they’re from Skiboy? Maybe they’re from the great Peter Hargrave himself. Call me and describe them, as Craig hasn’t sent me flowers since we got married, and I’ve forgotten what they look like.


East Side Floral Company

“Say it with Flowers”

1125 York Avenue • New York New York, 10028.

To: Kate Mackenzie care of Dolly Vargas. 610 East End Avenue, Penthouse A.


Forgive me?


Mitch

J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Flower Delivery

Roses. Two dozen of them. Pink ones.

From Mitch.

Like I’m just supposed to forget he got me fired.

Still. It’s sweet of him. Considering I barfed on his shoes and all.

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Flower Delivery

So are you going to have dinner with him, or not?

J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Dinner

Like a few flowers are going to make everything okay? I am so not having dinner with him.

Please.

No way.

Kate


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Hi

Hi, Mitch. I tried calling your office just now, but your assistant says you’re out. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for the flowers. They’re beautiful.

Thanks also for helping me last night . . . that is, Jen told me you helped. I don’t actually remember it very well, except the part where I heaved on your shoes. Sorry about that. Every time you come near me you seem to get sprayed with something, don’t you? Like I’m Mount St. Helens or something.

Anyway, if the offer for dinner still stands, I’ll take you up on it.

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Hi

Of course the offer for dinner still stands. Seven okay? Glad you liked the flowers. Don’t worry about the shoes. I didn’t like them much anyway.

Mitch


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Me

I’m going.

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?????

Kate


To: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Fr: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Re: You

I so knew it.

Wear a skirt.

And remember, though he may be a cute wheelchair-basketball-playing lawyer with barf on his shoes, you still don’t know where he’s been. Don’t forget to use a condom, Miss “I’ve Only Been with One Other Man My Whole Life.”

J


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <katydid@freemail.com>

Re: Me

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Kate

Journal of Kate Mackenzie

What am I doing? I mean, why am I obsessing over what to wear tonight to Mitch’s? I shouldn’t even be GOING to Mitch’s. I have no job, no place to live, I’m on the rebound, relationship-wise. This guy has been nothing but trouble, and besides which, the two of us have nothing in common, except a mutual appreciation for Mrs. Lopez’s brownies and the Travel Channel. I mean, he’s a LAWYER.