Sleaterkinneyfan:

Because you suck at everything else, remember? Besides, weren’t we going to help people?

Katydid:

WHO ARE WE HELPING?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Come on. You know you’ve helped a lot of people. What about that girl you hired for the Art Department last month? The one who was so happy when she found out she got the job, she cried and sent you flowers?

Katydid:

So I had one good day. But come on, Jen. We’re not exactly Making a Difference. Like we planned. I mean, remember when we were going to open Jen and Kate’s Free Therapy Clinic?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Yes, but that was before we moved to Manhattan and had to dedicate half of our salaries to rent.

Katydid:

Maybe we should have stayed in Kentucky.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

So we could be spending our weekends eating pork tenderloin at the NASCAR races? No thank you.

Katydid:

I happen to like pork tenderloin. Um . . . Speaking of Kentucky, do you remember if I called Dale last night? I have this dim memory that I did.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

So what if you did? I mean, the goober asked you to, remember? In that stupid note. Seriously, there is something wrong with him. Who leaves NOTES on people’s DOORS in New York City? And what was that slur against

Charmed

?

Charmed

happens to be a very good show.

Katydid:

I know! Witches! Helping people!

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Totally helping people. And killing demons at the same time. In halter tops.

Katydid:

I wasn’t mean to him, was I? When I called him back?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Oh, would you get over it? Who takes relationships one day at a time? I mean after TEN YEARS, three of which you lived together, for crying out loud.

Katydid:

WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM FOR SO LONG????? I’m such a loser.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

You are not a loser. You know who’s a loser? The T.O.D. Did you see what she has on?

Katydid:

Oh my God, I know. The same thing she was wearing yesterday.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

The T.O.D. got some! Did you see that hickey on her neck? She tried to hide it with concealer, but it is SO OBVIOUS. Why didn’t she go home to change before coming in this morning? That is so . . . gross. It’s like she WANTS us to know. Like she’s rubbing it in.

Katydid:

It’s working. I can’t believe the T.O.D. is having sex and I’m not.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

And you so know who she’s doing it WITH. Mr. No Pie For You himself. Oh my God, wait. . . . Did you see that?

Katydid:

See what?

Sleaterkinneyfan:

When she waved her hand just now, talking to Steph at the reception desk. Is that a DIAMOND ON HER LEFT RING FINGER????

Katydid:

ohmygod

Sleaterkinneyfan:

That is the hugest rock I have ever seen. It’s the size of my belly button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katydid:

She’s engaged. I can’t believe it. The T.O.D. is engaged.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

MRS. STUART HERTZOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katydid:

I can’t believe someone asked the T.O.D. to marry him. I can’t even get a guy to agree to admit he might still be going out with me this summer, let alone FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

*I* can’t believe she hasn’t come over here to throw it up in our faces. I mean, that has to be three carats, at least. Although compared to my paltry .5, anything would look big.

Katydid:

Hey! Craig spent what he could afford. It wasn’t easy, picking out a ring on a computer programmer’s salary. A computer programmer’s

starting

salary.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Cool it! I wouldn’t trade my .5 for that barnacle creeping all the way up her knuckle for all the money in the world. I’m just saying—hey, who’s that guy in the suit heading for the T.O.D.’s office?

Katydid:

Her wedding planner? Geez, she works fast.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Is that a SUMMONS he’s holding?

Katydid:

Oh, God, I hope so. I hope it turns out the T.O.D. is being sued for incompetence.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

Um, you don’t think it’s the pre-nup, do you?

Katydid:

Oh my God, Stuart Hertzog would SO make his potential bride sign a pre-nup! What is she doing now, can you see? Is she crying? If she’s crying, it’s definitely the pre-nup.

Sleaterkinneyfan:

I can’t tell if she’s crying or not. She’s still reading it. Okay, he’s leaving the T.O.D’s office. Maybe I can . . . Hey, why is he walking over toward YOU?

Katydid:

Oh, n—

ATTORNEYS AT LAW

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900

Kathleen A. Mackenzie

Personnel Representative, Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

Dear Ms. Mackenzie,

Pursuant to Article 29, page 31 of the Collective Bargaining Agreement between theNew York Journal and the United Staff Association of NYJ, Local 6884, former employee Ida Lopez has chosen to file a grievance concerning the termination of her employment at theNew York Journal.

You are hereby notified of pending arbitration—in which your employer, as well as you personally, are named as defendants for breach of contract—and during which my firm will be representing you. Please notify my assistant as soon as possible of your availability for a pretrial discovery conference.

Sincerely,

Mitchell Hertzog

ak/MH


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: OH MY GOD

Mrs. Lopez is suing me! ME!!!!!!!!!! After everything I tried to do for her!!!!!

Which, considering she did lose her job, isn’t all that much, I guess. But still. I mean, I TRIED. I warned her plenty of times of what might happen if she didn’t stop refusing to let people have pie.

And now she’s suing me! Can she even have a legal leg to stand on? Did I do something wrong? Oh my God, what if I did something wrong? ThenI’llbe fired too!

Oh my God, this is so like an episode ofCharmed : Whatever you put out into the world comes back to you, times three, good or bad. I fired Mrs. Lopez, and now I’m going to have THREE TIMES the bad luck as I did before.

As if I didn’t already have the worst luck of any girl on the eastern seaboard.

And who the hell is Mitchell Hertzog? I thought the T.O.D.’s boyfriend’s name was STUART!!!!!!!!

Kate


To: Kate M ackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Amy Jenkins <amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com>

Re: (None)

See me at once.

Amy Denise Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com

This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.


To: Jen Sadler <jennifer.sadler@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Kate Mackenzie <kathleen.mackenzie@thenyjournal.com>

Re: OH MY GOD

The T.O.D. wants to see me at once!!!!!!

Which means I have to have done something wrong!!!!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kate


To: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Amy Jenkins <amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com>

Re: Mitchell Hertzog

Stuart, I have just received a letter from someone whom I can only presume is a family member of yours.

If this is a joke, I have to say it is in highly questionable taste.

If it is not a joke, might I ask why, considering the fact that I had Ida Lopez’s employment terminated at your request, someoneelsefrom your law office will be representing me and my employer when we go to court against this woman for breach of contract?

I swore I wasn’t going to bring my personal feelings into this, but I can’t help it. After what happened between us last night, Stuart—howcould you let something so important be handled by some underling . . . even if he IS a relative of yours?

Amy

Amy Denise Jenkins

Director

Human Resources

The New York Journal

216 W. 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

212-555-6890

amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com

This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.


To: Amy Jenkins <amy.jenkins@thenyjournal.com>

Fr: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Mitchell Hertzog

Amy, darling, I’m so sorry. Mitch was supposed to wait until I’d had a chance to call you this morning before sending that letter.

The fact of the matter is, sweetheart, I can’t represent you or the paper, due to the fact that I am so personally involved in the case. However, Mitch—my younger brother—is an excellent lawyer, one of the best we’ve got, and will do just as good a job as I would myself, I swear.

On a personal note, how could you entertain the idea, even for a moment, that after what happened between us last night, I would ever do anything that might hurt you or your career? When I woke up this morning and gazed down upon your sleeping face, it was as if I was gazing at the face of an angel, and all I could wonder was, what did I ever do to deserve such good fortune? Amy, you are my everything.

I promise you, you’re in the best of hands.

Yours, now more than ever,

Stuart

Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900


To: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Ida Lopez

Mitch, you asshole. What do you think you’re doing? I told you not to messenger those letters to theJournal until I’d had a chance to call Amy. Have you been drinking, or are you just criminally stupid? Or do you just not care?

I’m warning you right now: Fuck up this case and you’re a dead man.

Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner

Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law

444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505

New York, NY 10022

212-555-7900


To: Stuart Hertzog <stuart.hertzog@hwd.com>

Fr: Mitchell Hertzog <mitchell.hertzog@hwd.com>

Re: Ida Lopez

Stuie! Nice to hear from you. Isn’t it funny how two people can work down the hall from each other—can come, in fact, from the same gene pool—and yet manage to go weeks without exchanging a single pleasantry?

In reply to your e-mail, I am neither drunk nor, to the best of my knowledge, criminally stupid. It’s true I don’t care, though. Does that bother you? Sorry. But when a little old lady takes on a titan of publishing like Peter Hargrave, aka owner of New York’s leading photo-newspaper, in a breach of contract suit, it’s kind of hard for me to root for the home team, if you know what I mean.

Mitch

P.S. Where were you last night? I called during the Michigan game, but got no answer. I know you never go anywhere except out for drinks with Webber and Doyle, and they’re in Scottsdale with Dad for the golf tourney. Could you, perhaps, have Hooked Up? WithAMY ?