“Something I've been wanting to discuss with you for a long time. About your contract.”

She looked surprised. So far he'd stayed away from advising her about her work, and she thought it just as well. He didn't know her field any better than she knew his, and all they could offer each other was moral support, which was what they both needed. “What about it?”

“What if you don't sign it?”

She smiled. “The problem isn't me, it's them. I'd sign it in a minute, if the bastards would give us all the conditions we want. And I think they will. But it's been a war of nerves till now.”

“I know it has. But what if you don't sign it …"H e held his breath and then went on a moment later, “And sign with someone else instead?”

“I may have to if I don't get what I want.” But she hadn't gotten the point yet. It was the furthest thing from her mind. “Why? What did you have in mind?” He was obviously telling her something but she wasn't sure what yet.

He looked her straight in the eye and said it in a single word. “Marriage.” There was a total blank on her face and then a look of shock as she went pale, staring at him.

“What do you mean?” Her voice was no more than a whisper.

“I mean I want to marry you, Mel. I've been trying to get up the guts to ask you for months, but I didn't want to screw up your career. But with your contract taking this long to get signed, I just thought … I wondered …” She got up and stalked across the room, to stand near the fire with her back to him, and then at last she turned slowly.

“I don't know what to say to you, Peter.”

He tried to smile, but he was so desperately afraid he couldn't.” A simple yes will do.”

“But I can't do that. I can't give up everything I've built in New York. I just can't …” Her eyes filled with tears.” I love you, but I can't do that…” She started to tremble all over and he went to her and took her in his arms, with tears that she could not see filling his eyes as he held her.

“It's all right, Mel. I understand. But I had to ask you.”

She pulled away from him so she could see him, and there were tears pouring down her cheeks as well as his now.” I love you … oh God, don't ask me to do that, Peter. Don't make me prove something I can't prove to you.”

“You don't have to prove anything to me, Mel.” He wiped his cheeks and sat down on the couch. There was no kidding themselves either, they couldn't go on flying across the country to see each other forever. The end was inevitable, and they both knew that. He looked at her now, his eyes boring into hers and shook his head slowly. “I used to think we were both such lucky people, good kids, good careers, and we found each other.” He smiled ruefully. “Now I don't think we're so lucky.”

Mel didn't answer and at last she blew her nose and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I don't know what to say to you, Peter.”

“Don't say anything. Just know that if you change your mind I'm here and I love you. I want to marry you. I'll support everything you do, within reason. You could work as hard as you want and as much as you want at any of the L.A. networks.”

“But L.A.'s not New York.” He wanted to ask her then if New York meant more to her than he did, but it wasn't a fair question and he knew it.

“I know that. We don't need to discuss it. I just had to ask you.”

“It looks like I'm choosing work instead of you, and that's so ugly.”

“Sometimes the truth is ugly.” It had to be faced between them.

“Will you still want to continue … with … us … with me … if I sign my new contract and stay in New York?” She trembled at the question. What would she have now if she lost him? Nothing.

“Yes, we'll continue for as long as we can both stand it. But it can't go on forever and we both know that. And when it ends, Mel, we're both losing something wonderful, something that we both need desperately. I've never loved anyone more than I love you.” Tears spilled down her cheeks again then and she couldn't bear it any longer. She went outside for some air, and a little while later Peter joined her. “I'm sorry I asked you, Mel. I didn't mean to make you unhappy.”

“You didn't. It's just that sometimes”—her eyes filled with tears and her voice broke—“life is full of such fucking tough choices. All I wanted was a better contract and now I feel like I'm breaking your heart if I sign it.”

“You're not.” He held her close to him. “You're doing what you have to do for you, Mel, and that's terribly important. I respect that.”

“Why the hell did we have to be so unlucky?” She was openly sobbing. “Why couldn't we both have lived in the same city?”

He smiled, accepting their fate now. She was what she had been from the beginning and he had been wrong to try to change that. “Because life is full of challenges, Mel. We'll make it. Hell, if I had to travel five times that distance, I would still want to see you.” And then he looked at her again in the soft darkness. “Will you come back out here for Christmas?”

“Yes, if I'm not working.”

“Okay.” He tried to feel satisfied with that, but he wasn't. He had no choice though, and as they lay side by side that night they were both thinking, and the heavy mood was still on them the next day and the day after.

And the children didn't help them. Val and Mark seemed to have plans for every moment of the weekend, and Jess and Pam and Matthew went to movies, visited friends, did errands. Peter didn't even insist this time that they all stick together, he had too much on his own mind. And Mel looked even more upset when they left than she had when they'd arrived, and her attorney's call the next morning did nothing to soothe her.

“Well, we got it.” He almost crowed with victory when he called at eleven o'clock that morning. She had been quietly pacing her room, thinking of Peter's face when she left him. He looked devastated and she felt worse, but there had been no choice to make and he knew it.

“Got what?” Mel was almost too nervous this morning to think straight. And she had sent the girls off to school despite their return on the red eye.

“Good God. What did you do in California, Mel? Spend the whole weekend on dope or LSD? You got your contract!” He was as nervous and exhausted as she was. It had been a long fight this time, but it was worth it. She had had the guts to hold out, and had gotten everything she wanted. Not too many of his clients had the balls to do that, but she did. “We sign at noon today. Can you be there by then?”

“Hell, yes.” She grinned, it was what they had waited two months for, but somehow when she hung up the phone, she found that the thrill was gone. The victory was empty now, thanks to Peter. When she signed the contract, she would feel that she had betrayed him.

But at noon she was at the network and George and all of the officials were waiting. There were ten people in the room, and Mel was the last to arrive, dressed in a black Dior suit, with a mink coat over her arm and a black hat with a veil, which suited her humor. She looked like a widow in an old movie, going to the reading of a will. She made a dramatic entrance and the network men seemed pleased. They always got their money's worth with Mel Adams, and even they respected her for the long battle. She cast smiles around the room like rice at a wedding, and sat down with a look at George, who nodded. He could hardly wait to call the press and announce this one. It was a knock-out contract for Mel and everyone in the room knew it, including Mel herself. She glanced over the conditions, pen in hand. The network officials had already signed it, and all that was missing was her signature on the dotted line. She picked up her pen, and held it, feeling her palms damp, her face grow white, as suddenly she seemed to see Peter's face before her. She stopped, silent, pale, thinking, and looked at George. He nodded again.

“Everything's just fine, Mel.” He was smiling, looking ghoulish and suddenly she knew that she couldn't do it. She stood up, the pen still clutched in her hand, and shook her head at them, looking at the men she had worked for.

“I'm sorry. I can't do it.”

“But what's wrong?” They were stupefied. Was she crazy? She would have told them that she was if they had asked her. “It's all there, Mel. Everything you asked for.”

“I know.” She sat down again, looking broken. “I can't explain it. But I can't sign the contract.”

As a single body, they began to look ugly, and George with them. “What the hell …”

She looked up at each one of them, still shaking, and tears stung her eyes, but she couldn't cry now. She wanted it so badly she could taste it, but there was something else she wanted more and which she knew would last a lifetime, not just a year. And Peter was right. She could work in L.A. Her career wouldn't be over just because she left New York. She stood up again and said in a strong voice. “Gentlemen, I'm moving to California.”

The room was stunned into silence. “You signed with the network there?” Now they knew she was crazy. They couldn't have offered her more money. Or had they? The flashy assholes. But Mel had always had more class than that. No one understood what had happened, least of all her own attorney. She gulped then, and spoke to no one in particular.

“I' m getting married.” And then without another word, she strode from the room, rushed into the elevator, and left the building before anyone could stop her. She walked all the way home, and when she got there she found that she felt a little better. She had just thrown her whole fucking career out the window, but she thought that Peter was worth it. She just hoped she wasn't wrong, as she picked up the phone and dialed his number, and the operator in the hospital paged him, and found him. He was on the phone in less than a minute, busy and distracted, but happy to get the call.

“Are you okay?” He was only half listening to her answer.

“No, I'm not.”

And then he heard her, and the strangeness of her voice. God, something had happened. He had sounded like that when Anne died … the twins … “What is it?” His heart pounded as he waited.

“I went to sign the contract …” She sounded numb. “And I didn't.”

“You didn't what?”

“I didn't sign it.”

“You what?” His legs turned to Jell-O beneath him. “Are you crazy?”

“That's what they said.” And suddenly she panicked, terrified that he had changed his mind and now it was too late. She had thrown everything out the window. She almost whispered. “Am I?”

And then he understood what she had done and why, as tears came to his eyes. “Oh, baby, no you aren't… yes, you are … oh God, I love you. Do you mean it?”

“I think so. I just threw away a million bucks for the year. I think maybe I must mean it.” She sat down and started to laugh, and suddenly she couldn't stop laughing and he couldn't stop either. She took off her hat and veil and tossed them in the air. “Dr. Hallam, as of the thirty-first of December, which happens to be New Year's Eve, I'm unemployed. Practically a vagrant.”

“Terrific. I've always wanted to marry a vagrant.” The laughter at her end died into silence. “Do you still?”

His voice was very gentle. “Yes. Will you marry me, Mel?” She nodded and he waited, terrified. “I can't hear you.”

“I said yes.” And then, desperately nervous, “Do you think they'll hire me in L.A.?”

“Are you kidding?” He laughed again. “By tonight, they'll be beating your door down.” But there were other things on his mind. “Mel, let's get married on Christmas.”

“Okay.” She was still in a kind of stupor, and everything he said sounded fine to her now. “When on Christmas?” It was all like a dream, and she wasn't sure yet how long she'd been dreaming. She remembered a room full of men in dark suits, and her refusing to sign a contract, but after that everything was a blur except this phone call. She could hardly remember how she had gotten home now. Had she walked? Taken a cab? Flown?

“How about Christmas Eve?”

“Sure. When's that?”

“In about three and a half weeks. Is that okay?”

“Yes.” She nodded slowly. And then, “Peter, do you think I'm crazy?”

“No, I think you're the bravest woman I've ever met, and I love you for it.”

“I'm scared shitless.”

“Don't be. You'll get a great job out here, and we'll be happy. Everything is going to be wonderful.” She hoped he was right. All she could think of now was what she had done by refusing to sign the contract, but if they had asked her again, she would have refused again. She had made her decision, and now she would have to live by it, whatever that took, and of that she wasn't sure yet.