Raine Miller - Cherry Girl

Everything was fucked up and my heart was broken.

And, most importantly, I couldn’t tell Elaina that I was definitely not the father of Cora’s baby.  I’d been willing to face up to the responsibility of providing for the child if it was mine of course, but it wasn’t mine and Cora shared that with me as soon as her son was born.  Whether she was being a decent human being or because it was instantly apparent I couldn’t have fathered him, I don’t know.  The point was moot anyway, my loss too great to repair by then.

Cora had up and married the real father before I’d even returned home from my tour.  A big Black bloke named Nigel.  This was all confirmed when I saw them in the supermarket one day shortly after I got back.  The little baby with all the chocolate skin belonged to somebody else.  Cute though.  I managed a very hollow-sounding ‘congratulations’ and walked out of there, the bitter taste of injustice and anger fueling me forward.

I still desperately longed for Elaina, but the resentment burning inside me at her leaving without a word, had hardened me.  So hard that I closed off my emotions and accepted my fate.  I’d known bitter disappointment and grief before and I’d lived through it.  I was used to accepting things that hurt me terribly and crushed my heart.  This was just another one of those.

I threw myself into work at Blackstone Security International, Ltd. as Vice President and Chief of Operations.  The boss’s number one.  We offered security services to high-profile clientele, politicians, dignitaries, celebrities and even members of the Royal Family on occasion.  I traveled around a great deal, learning the business with Blackstone and working jobs that paid me very well, but left little time for socializing.  Didn’t matter.  I didn’t want society anyway.  Any desire I’d ever had for love was in the hands of one unique person and she didn’t want me anymore.

I reached out to Elaina’s mum and asked about her.  She told me Elaina was happy at her job in Italy and that she’d requested I not try to contact her.  She just wanted the freedom to live her life and held no ill will toward me for whatever had gone wrong with us, but I wasn’t buying it.  Of course she had ill will.  She felt betrayed that I’d been with Cora.  And then I’d had to abandon her for the better part of a year with a horrible fuckin’ break-up between us.  The whole situation was worse than fucked.

I stayed close with Elaina’s mum and Ian, hoping for an opportunity where I might see her again, maybe on one of her visits home or something.  That maybe, we’d get a chance to talk about what had happened with us.  That maybe, seeing each other again would spark something and we could find our way back to that beautiful place where we’d been so in love.

I even grew desperate enough to track her down in Italy once, when I was there working on a job.

* * *

The Italian seaside in summer is a stunning place.  The lush beauty seemed fitting somehow as the place where she was now living and working. Elaina deserved to have all that natural beauty surrounding her.  That part made perfect sense to me.

I saw her from a distance on the beach in a sky blue bikini and a floppy black hat.  Even from far away I recognized her.  How could I ever forget?  She looked so beautiful, my eyes stung as I soaked her in.  Long cherry-coloured hair blew in the wind and whipped down her back. Lovely legs that went on for miles took small steps in the thick sand in order to accommodate the little ones she brought with her.

Elaina had two small charges, both girls that looked to be close in age, one in each hand and a big straw bag on her shoulder with their supplies for the day.  It took everything in me not to rush up and take the bag away so I could carry it for her.

It fucking hurt to stay hidden, lurking in the shadows while she settled all three of them onto the beach.  But stay hidden I did.  In total agony.

I watched her build sandcastles with the girls until the tide came in and washed over their creations.

Washed away…wiped clean…erased…gone… As if it had never been.

I couldn’t bear to see anymore, and quickly realized it was not a good idea for me to be there stalking her.  I felt ashamed for my covert methods and worse than if I’d never seen her again.  Seeing Elaina once more with my eyes just made everything so much harder for me.  I knew what I had to do.

The time had come for me to finally let her go.

Just as I was taking my last drink of her, she turned in my direction.  Elaina turned to me and looked over.  She couldn’t see me, I knew because I was well hidden, but she felt me.  I know she felt my presence.

I’ll never stop loving you, Cherry Girl.  Never.  I can’t stop…and I won’t.

In that moment my heart just exploded, and what was left turned into a hardened mass of bits and pieces that weren’t worth very much.

My heart stayed hardened like that for a good while too.  It had to in order for me to take my next breath and to function.  So I learned to live with myself and got on with it.  I didn’t have much of a choice, and in the end, accepting the hand I’d been dealt was easier than bluffing over the shit cards I was holding.

I worked hard, and lived hard, doing those things that a man needs to do to survive, no matter how hollow the aftermath leaves you feeling.

I did the most difficult thing I’d ever had to do in all my life.

I let her go.

I let my Cherry Girl go.

Five years later

Blackstone Security International, Ltd. was housed in a sleek high rise building off the Liverpool Street station in downtown London.  My new place of work.  The company did a great deal of global business and had need of a receptionist with some fluency in the languages of Europe.  I had Italian and French down well enough—I was still working on the German and the Spanish.

As it turns out, this job was perfect for me in a lot of ways.  I’d missed England in the nearly six years since I’d been gone, so it was lovely to be home again and close to my family.  Three years in Italy, and two in France had allowed me to experience other places and practice the native languages first-hand.  And since there would be opportunity for travel around Europe, the job at Blackstone Security was sort of a combination of both worlds for me, and I liked that.

When Mum suggested I apply for the position, I’d thought it was because a friend from her card club had suggested how well suited I was for the job.  Frances Connery was executive assistant to the owner and a longtime friend of my mother’s.  My brother, Ian, had also put in a word for me apparently.  He was a high-powered London solicitor now, and Blackstone Security International was one of his top clients.  He worked in the same building only two floors down, so we saw each other quite a bit.  Sometimes a little too much because I’d discovered just how much all the ladies loved Ian.  And the reasons behind it.  Disgusting hearing how good your brother was in bed.  Bleh.  Talk about someone who needed to settle down.

My new job seemed almost too good to be true, and I’d been only been working there for about two weeks, when I found out why.

“The team is back today from the job in Madrid.  You’ll get to meet Mr. Blackstone finally.  He’ll probably be in later than usual though from all the traveling.  I’ll introduce you to him and the rest of the crew as soon as they all get in.  Coffee, dear?”  Frances, my immediate supervisor, gestured to the pot in the break room.

“Yes, please.  I still have so many people to meet before I know everyone that works here.”  Several were always out on large-scale team jobs, so that the whole company was never all together at the same time.

“Not to worry, my dear.”

She handed me a cup of coffee that I immediately started doctoring with sweetener.

“Well, I hope I’m a good fit for them, you know, Frances?”