C. Brown - Compromising

“Gone? Where are you going?”

“I have to go back to Santa Ana. This next week is going to be crazy, and I leave for Iraq next Saturday, so I’m going to spend time with my family before I go.”

I stood quietly, completely understanding, but feeling the sting of our situation once again. Before all of the shit that had crash landed at our feet, there would have been no question about me tagging along. But now…now I was an after-thought, and for good reason, but it didn’t make the blaring realization any less painful.

“You’re quiet. What’s going on in there?” Alex asked, gently poking at my head.

“Nothing. Let’s just go. I’m ready for a warm shower and bed,” I replied, walking back to the passenger side of the truck. Alex stopped me just before I could open the door.

“Cassie, you need to start talking right the fuck now.”

“There’s nothing to say, Alex. Let’s go back to your place so we can get some sleep.”

He stood back, then took me by the hand and led me away from the truck. “We’re not going anywhere until you start talking. I’ll keep us out here all night if I have to.”

I was beginning to fume, but didn’t want to show it. As it was, Alex could already tell that something was wrong, but I didn’t want my pissiness to ruin our perfectly good evening.

“Cassie—”

“Alex, stop. Wake the hell up. Look at what we have become. We’re still hiding, even though we’ve come out. We’ve gone from one dark closet to the other.”

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m not fucking hiding. We’re out, we have every right to be, and that’s how we’ll continue to be.”

“Oh yeah? Then why am I not going with you?”

His eyes narrowed as he stared into my eyes. “Is this what this is about? You’re mad because I’m going off to see my family without you? Do I need to remind you about the last gathering we all had?”

“No, you don’t!” I shouted, finally allowing the frustration to erupt. “You do not need to remind me of the heinous time I had with your family and what it led to. I just want you to fucking realize that everything isn’t peachy keen or rosy as you want to believe. There is a large part of your life that I have to stay away from, much like when I had to hide out from the Marine Corps, only now it’s your family. This is no way to have a relationship, Alex. That’s all I want you to see.”

A flush of red filled Alex’s normally caramel skin as he pouted his lips before stepping closer to me. His eyes, narrowed and dark, impaled me, leaving me no wriggle room to move away from the storm that was brewing inside of him.

“There isn’t much that you can say to offend me, Cassie, but insinuating that I am hiding you, keeping you away from my family as if I’m afraid or ashamed of you definitely hit the fucking spot. This bullshit with my family is nothing like the Corps, and regardless of what they may think, I’m going to do whatever it is I want to do because that’s who I am and I don’t give two shits about who doesn’t like it.

“You want to know why I’m running off without you as you say? I’m doing it because the last time I had you all in a room, goddamned World War Three almost broke loose. I don’t need any more bullshit before I go and step into a battle zone that I may not return home from. So before you accuse me of trying to hide you, remember that I’m leaving to go and fight in a war, and I don’t need a precursor before I even get there.”

My heart sped with his morbid explanation. Had I become so jaded by everything that I failed to see the severity of what was happening to us? Alex had actually acknowledged the possibility that he wouldn’t make it home from war, and of all of the emotions swirling around in my head at the moment, fear stood out loud and clear. A tear fell down my cheek as I stood, looking into the eyes of the man that I loved but felt so many different emotions for.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” I croaked, my words lodged in my throat.

“I don’t want your apology, Cassie. I want you to wake up and see that you are the most important thing in my life, and your insinuation that I would be hiding you cuts fucking deep. I’m goddamned lucky to have you, and the world needs to know it, but I don’t want to subject you to any more bullshit where my family is concerned.”

“I know. I…I just got caught up in everything.”

“Everything like what?”

He wasn’t going to let this go, and I could tell this was about to open up another can of worms that we really didn’t need right now.

“Cassie…”

“Just everything, Alex. We had to break up before you realized what you were doing to us. Your family, our baby steps…everything. And now you say you might not make it home. I never want to hear you say that again.”

“It’s a fucking possibility, Cassie. We’re Marines.”

“Right. But if it were me going out there and I said that, would you be okay with it?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

He sighed an exasperated sigh. “It just is.”

“Why? Because I’m a female? Because I won’t be on the front lines kicking in doors like you and the boys? I’m a Marine too, Alex. I’ll carry that same M-16 when I get out there, and I’ll have the same possibility…maybe not probability, but the possibility, yes.”

“Just fucking stop. You’re trying to pick fights now. We didn’t goddamn break up, we took a break. My family is a massive headache for both of us, but it’s something we’ll deal with together when the time is right. And the baby steps are necessary. I expect you to understand that.”

“A break? Alex, we’re not fifteen. We were engaged. We don’t take breaks.”

“So what would you call us right now? Because while I had my head up my ass, you said you still wanted to marry me, just not right now. So which is it?”

“You’re being an asshole right now. You don’t get to end things, and then turn them around on me. You don’t get to fucking do that.”

“Answer the question, Cassie.”

I stood glaring at him, completely unnerved at the fact that he had thrown a schoolboy temper tantrum when I put the wedding on hold, and now, weeks later, he was insinuating that it was me who put the kibosh on us.

“You tell me,” I replied, folding my arms in front of my chest.

He sighed again, then rubbed his hand over his head. “This is fucking stupid. We’re standing out in the middle of the desert, fighting over stupid shit after I just gave you the orgasm of your life. We should be basking in all of that, but instead, you’re picking fights over nothing.”

“That’s not an answer, Alex.”

“You want an answer? Here’s your goddamned answer. You’re still mine!” he yelled. His breathing escalated as he moved closer to me. “You’ve always been mine, even when I was a stupid prick and allowed my ego to get the best of me. You’re mine, Cassie. I didn’t let you go, and I’m not letting you go, so punish me… kick my ass, berate me. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself realize that I fuck up… a lot, and I more than likely will fuck up again. But at the root of all of it is you and this insane amount of love that I have for you. It drives me to do really stupid, irrational fucking shit, and I need to get it under control, but until I do, just know that not having you is not an option. So there is your answer. You’re fucking mine. And whether it’s tomorrow or months from now, I’m going to slip a ring on that beautiful little finger, and I’m going to prove it to you. Until then—”

“I’m yours,” I said, completing his sentence.

Alex took me in his arms, encasing me in his solid frame. His intoxicating aroma infiltrated my senses, making me hold tight to him as another tear slid down my cheek. There were times when I knew he was all I needed to get by, and then there were those times when I wondered if I deserved him… if he deserved me… if we deserved one another.

I pulled back, staring into sun glazed eyes that seemed to grow brighter with every passing minute. “You’re a stupid, selfish prick. You think about yourself far too much, and you’re a loose fucking cannon!” I yelled back, startling him. “But at the end of all of that, your craziness has become a part of what I crave.”

His face softened, a wry smile spreading across his lips.

“And don’t fucking smile at me, Cruz. You’re an idiotic child when things don’t go your way, and I hate you for it.”

“But when we make up, you love me for it,” he threw in, then kissed me passionately.

I reveled in the kiss, then pulled away and went back at him. “You need to be taught a few things about how to survive in relationships because we are so damn far in here that failure might kill us. It’s time that you learn to—”

“Compromise! I know. I see now that I need to fix a whole lot of shit to make and keep you happy. I’m willing to do it. But like I said, I’m going to fuck up. It’s in my nature.”

“I’ll call you on your bullshit.”

“Every time, Blondie. Every fucking time.”

Alex took my hand and led me over to the truck. We drove off into the night, windows down, blaring Disturbed’s Land of Confusion. We were two confused people all right. Two people who were so utterly infatuated with the other that hurting one another was just another side effect of our predicament. I knew it wouldn’t be simple to walk away from him, and the masochist inside of me wouldn’t let it happen anyway. I knew that we’d find our way back to one another, although the timing was a surprise.

I needed him like an addict needed her drug. I knew that if we crashed and burned it would be the end of me, but I wouldn’t allow myself to go there. We were on good terms, us against the world, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I still wasn’t sure how in the world I deserved to have Cassie in my life, but she was there, smart ass mouth and all. I’d been a dick, a stupid prick, yet somehow she had enough room in her heart to welcome me back. I had nothing to do but grow from here, and grow I intended to do.

I had to hit the road early the next morning, leaving to head off to Santa Ana to see my family for the day before shipping out. Dropping Cassie off at her barracks room and seeing the sadness on her face as I kissed her goodbye tugged at me a little, but the last thing I wanted was to have a repeat of the last time she’d been around my family. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d be walking into when I got there, but I didn’t really give two shits either. It had taken every ounce of self-control that I didn’t even know I had to walk out of that house without completely losing all manners that had been instilled in me.

It hurt more than anything to see my family, the people who were supposed to love me more than anyone else, turn on me the way they had. Regardless of the fact, there was no way I would be leaving without seeing them. They still held a huge part of me and anything else wouldn’t have felt right.

Pulling up in front of my mom’s house, a sudden wave of anxiety coursed over me. I had spoken to my mom and Adriana over the phone, but my grandma refused to speak to me, and in my stubbornness I’d refused to push the issue. It was where we were identical—lost in our own worlds, and always trying to keep the upper hand.

I rang the doorbell. Usually I walked right in, but right now it didn’t feel natural. My mom opened the door, smiling and pulling me in for a hug without saying a word. Adriana was right behind her with Abel in her hands. She took me in with her free hand as she balanced him on her hip. We stood holding on to one another, never muttering a word, when Abel finally broke the moment.

“Hola, Nino!”

“Hey, little dude,” I responded, taking him from Adriana and kissing him on the forehead.

“My mama made you enchiladas, Nino.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re hungry, Alejando. Let’s get some food in you,” my mom remarked, wiping a couple of tears away.

I’d expected our encounter to be a bit awkward, but I hadn’t expected the tears that were streaking down her face. After an extended stare, she finally took Abel and walked into the kitchen. Adriana tugged my arm, signaling for me to stay behind with her.

“What’s up?”

“Where’s Cassie?”

“Are you serious? Why would I bring Cassie here?”

“Because she’s your woman, Alex. Because if she’s going to be a part of this family, then you two have to face everything head on.”

I laughed for a minute, shocked to hear these words coming out of my sister’s mouth.