C. Brown - Compromising

He stared at me with concern etched into his face, his big blue eyes begging me to speak, but I couldn’t make out the words. The tears slowed, but my breathing was still erratic. Pregnant? The word was terrifying, so much so that I couldn’t bring myself to speak it. I had been here before. Pregnant by someone who I loved, but unmarried and unsure of the fallout that was to come. I felt stupid and low, painfully aware that history was repeating itself, and I was allowing it to happen.

“I have no idea why you’re so distraught. You are going to have a beautiful baby with the love of your life. And if it’s the alcohol, I’m sure you’re fine. It’s early.”

I regained my composure, then finally brought myself to speak. “Dalton, it’s not that simple.”

“What’s not? You’ve said yourself that Alex wants babies with you. Well, here you go.”

My eyes burned as tears threatened to spill out again. “We speak in future terms all of the time. I highly doubt he meant right now. I sure as hell didn’t. I’m unmarried and pregnant. This is not what I had planned for myself.”

“So get married. It’s not like you two weren’t planning on getting married anyway. And besides, if you two weren’t stubborn as hell, you’d be married right now.”

Silence fell over the room as I took in Dalton’s words. I understood his standpoint but still felt uneasy about the situation. The facts were the facts: Alex was gone, we weren’t married, I hadn’t been drugged, and I was indeed, pregnant.

My head began to spin as I came to grips with my reality. Fear gripped me and held me down, never allowing my mind to travel to the possibility that Alex would be thrilled by this. I couldn’t get there. We had plans for a family, but not this soon in our lives, and knowing that things would irrevocably change for us was another step into the unknown. The unknown held greater powers that any other entity in our lives. It was big, dark, and terrifying. It had me in its clutches and wouldn’t let me go.

No matter what Dalton said, I couldn’t find my way out of it.

“Hey, Ben just texted me. Johnson just has alcohol poisoning, no drugs. Thought you’d be happy to hear that.”

I forced a smile, the pain of it not allowing my face to stay in that form for too long. “I’m happy to hear that.”

Dalton sat down on the bed next to me and held my head to his chest as he rubbed the back of my head. “Cassie, it’s scary right now because you’re allowing your mind to go to the negative. Think about the positive. You and Alex, creating life is awesome.”

“I wish I could be so optimistic.”

“You can, and you will. Just stick with me. I’ll help you get there.” Dalton pulled away, kissed my forehead, then stared into my eyes.

“We are a lovely pair, aren’t we?” I asked, finally allowing a bit of humor to filter through in my voice. “The knocked-up girl, and her man-whore best friend. Like peanut butter and jelly.”

“Spaghetti and meatballs.”

Laughter burst from my body, shocking us both. My emotions were all over the place. One moment I was a crying mess, and the next I was unable to contain my amusement. It was a strange place to be in.

“Seriously, what are you going to do about Ben and Johnson?”

Dalton exhaled harshly, running his fingers through his hair. “I really don’t know. I like them both.”

“You can’t have both, Dalton. You know that.”

“I know. I just have no clue what to do about it.”

“My love life is a fucking roller coaster, so I really don’t know what to tell you, but make a choice before you get in too deep.”

A light knock on the door gave way to Ben slowly creeping inside. “Hi, Cassie. How are you feeling?”

Ben was adorable. He stood a good four or five inches shorter than Dalton, but had a firm physique, and the same illuminating blue eyes that Dalton had. He was soft-spoken but confident, and I could see why Dalton liked him.

“I’ve been better, but thanks for asking,” I replied, smiling to put him at ease.

Ben returned my smile, then turned to Dalton, looking a bit more serious. “Can I talk to you outside?”

Dalton nodded, then stood and followed Ben out of the room. They didn’t go far. I could see them from my bed—hands flying, shaking heads, Dalton’s stern face.

Both guys calmly walked back into the room, and Ben gave me a hug before wishing me well, then turned to Dalton.

“I’ll be at the hotel. Call me in the morning.”

“I will,” Dalton somberly replied.

My heart ached for both of them. They obviously cared for one another, but Johnson was a sticking point, and rightfully so.

Ben walked out of the room, and Dalton plopped down in the chair next to my bed. He ran his hands through his hair again and sighed loudly. “Looks like we’re both alone and scared, doll.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re knocked up, and I’m a man-whore,” he sarcastically remarked, smiling at me.

His words brought my reality gushing back to the surface, smacking me in the face with the fact that I was indeed knocked up, and I had a hot-headed, temperamental boyfriend to spill the beans to. I took Dalton’s hand and kissed the top, then laid it down on the bed. “Peanut butter and jelly,” I softly said.

“Spaghetti and meatballs,” he chimed in.

We fell asleep in that position, our hands held tightly together. We were both afraid and vulnerable, but being in the company of one another allowed those feelings to dissipate, and the comfort that we seemed to bring one another was more than enough to whisk us away to a pleasant sleep.

A sleep that I desperately needed.

Shit was only getting worse the longer that I was stuck in this hell hole of a desert. I’d had little to no contact with Cassie, and it was beginning to make me lose what little self-control that I had. The kidnapped American contractors were found—beheaded with their bodies lying in an open grass field with their heads not far away. A group of kids found the bodies while playing soccer, located the Marines in the area, and the search for the men was called off.

Sleep was hard to come by. Mortar shells pummeled the base almost every single night, leaving us on high alert with little to no rest. Luckily, the guys shooting were wholly inaccurate, leaving us more flustered and frustrated than anything else. LCpl. Avery was still a nervous little fucker, but he was doing much better since the night I’d had to damn near threaten his life if he ever discounted another one of ours.

Not everything was shit on a stick with a black cloud hovering above it. LCpl. White received mail with pictures of his pregnant wife showing off their child growing inside of her. He teared up at the sight, making me realize that as badly as I wanted to move on with my life with Cassie, I didn’t want to bring a kid into the mix until I was out. This life we led was too much, and with two active duty parents, our kid wouldn’t stand a chance.

Cpl. Vega revealed that he had a girlfriend, and she was moving to Twentynine. She was finding a place to stay that they would be able to call home. In this fucking wasteland that we were calling home for the next few months, any bit of good news from home was enough to put a smile on our faces. Other than that, there really wasn’t much to smile about.

I got a letter from Cassie, just detailing the day to day shit going on with her, and as boring as it probably was for her to write it out, I held on to it. I read it over and over again until I’d damn near memorized it. Her getting up, PTing, going to the chow hall, working, then going home and doing close to nothing put a smile on my face. She was safe. She was able to move about freely and without worry which was a luxury we weren’t afforded in a combat zone.

I read her letter every night before I attempted sleep, and many mornings her letter was still in my hands when I woke. It was my only piece of normalcy, and I had to hold tight to it or else I would succumb to the insanity of where I was.

Good news finally came a few weeks later when First Sergeant Keating informed me that I’d be pinning on Staff Sergeant. Unfortunately, because of the nature of our surroundings, there would be no ceremony. I’d be pinned, and that would be that. I was okay with it, considering only a couple of months earlier, I thought I’d never see this promotion. If they decided to pin me in the middle of a deserted street, I’d take it.

I met First Sergeant Keating and our Company Commander, Captain Lucas, in their work quarters. Captain Lucas greeted me with a warm handshake, but First Sergeant Keating was a little milder. We hadn’t spoken about our blow up since the night it happened, but there was a thin layer of friction between us that was mutually shared, so the relationship was business only. We were the only people in the room, solidifying the fact that the pomp and circumstance of my previous promotions was an after-thought.

Captain Lucas held my warrant in his hand as he approached me. “Because of our circumstances, we’ll just do a small and quick promotion for you, Sergeant Cruz.”

First Sergeant Keating read the award warrant—long, drawn out, and lacking any real sort of emotion. The man was overworked and unenthusiastic about almost everything he did, but I didn’t care because, at the end of this, I would finally have my rank. They both stood, one at each of my sides, and removed the Sergeant chevrons from my collar and replaced them with the Staff Sergeant chevrons: three chevrons with the cross rifles in the middle and a rocker on the bottom. This was a moment of pride, and one that I thought would never come.

First Sergeant O’Hara gave every ounce of himself to try and keep me from attaining my rank, but alas, he’d failed, and the feel of it sitting on my collar was the ultimate testament to everything I’d given to the Corps with a mighty fuck you to O’Hara to go along with it.

“Anything you’d like to say, Staff Sergeant Cruz?” Keating asked.

“Just thank you,” I responded, remaining composed.

“All right, get your ass back to work,” Keating said, turning away and going back to work.

I left the building and headed straight for the phone center, not wanting to wait a second longer before sharing the big news with Cassie. If my ceremony had been at home, she would have been the person to pin me, but since that couldn’t happen, I wanted to make sure she was the first person to hear about it.

The phone rang and rang before a very tired voice answered on the other line. I didn’t bother to check the time, nor did I really give a shit. My excitement was through the roof, and the one and only person who I cared to share it with was halfway across the world.

“Hello…”

“Hey, Blondie!” I responded. “Guess what finally fucking happened?”

“What?”

“Your man just pinned on the rocker, baby. I’m a fucking Staff Sergeant now.”

“What?” her voice finally awakened. “Are you serious? You got it?”

“I fucking got it. E-six, baby. E-six.”

“I’m so proud of you, Alex. So damn proud. And it’s good because we’ve got—”

Guys were coming in left and right, yelling that we needed to saddle up and go—now! The commotion had everyone dropping their calls in a frenzy, leaving me no choice but to do the same.

“Blondie, I’m sorry. I have to go. I’ll call back when I can.”

“Alex—”

The line went dead. I looked up to find some huge fucking Gunny holding down the line. “All Marines out, now!”

Whatever was going on was serious, so I knew that this was not the time to start shit. I ran to my tent, dressed in my gear and met up at the motor pool. We stood in formation, heated air pummeling our faces. First Sergeant Keating had the same emotionless face staring back at us, only his voice carried a spark that I hadn’t heard since we’d gotten into our altercation over Avery.

“Marines, there is too much fucking activity happening outside of these walls. These motherfuckers are relentless, if not stupid, but regardless, we need to ramp up the pressure on these assholes. The contractors are a done deal, but we know they are planning more shit, and earlier this afternoon, some of your brothers were ambushed. They came out alive, but the activity hasn’t let up, so we’re sending more of you out to crush this shit.”

“Oorah! Oorah, First Sergeant!” A chorus of yells. “Get some!”

The motivation was through the fucking roof, and I would have been lying if I said the echo of the calls wasn’t resonating with me, sending goose bumps surging up all over my arms, prompting me to yell out with them. I’d seen more than my share of the shit this place could dish out, but the fact that the terrorists were growing bolder, almost as if they were no longer afraid of what we were capable of, infuriated and excited me all at once.