C. Brown - Compromising

“I know. Trust me, I need you too. But your well-being comes first. We have each other Blondie. We’re not going anywhere.”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying—what he was doing. I thought the absence would have made him want to tear into me and fuck my brains out. Instead, he seemed to be dreading it as if he were afraid or something. Then it hit me.

“Alex!”

He didn’t answer.

“Alex…”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Allen raped me?”

Silence filled our tiny space. My heart ached with a heavy throb. Alex didn’t believe me when I’d told him that Allen hadn’t gotten his cock inside of me. A tear slipped from my eye as I looked at the pain etched into Alex’s face. He was battling himself and losing.

“Alex, I told you. Allen did not get his cock inside of me.”

“I know you told me that, Cassie, and I believe you, but there is something in the back of my mind that wonders if you truly know. That animal slammed your head down. Do you remember everything? Maybe you blacked out.”

He pulled me closer and held me tight. I hated the pain that was inside of him, but I hated being doubted even more.

“Alex, I’m pretty sure I stayed conscious. That firewatch got to him in time.”

He pulled me back and stared into my eyes. “But his fucking fingers. They were inside of you, weren’t they?”

“Yes.”

He winced. It was as if he were hearing the information for the first time.

“But that was it, Alex. I promise you.”

“I know, but you have to be in pain.”

“I’m not in pain. I was, but that’s long gone. I need you, Alex. Erase him from my body.” I paused as I stared into his worrisome eyes. “Don’t let him take anything away from us.”

“I won’t, Blondie, I promise. But not right now. Right now you need a minute. I need a minute. Please don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” I whispered as I lay my head down on his shoulder.

It was true. How could I hate the one person who had actually loved me? No one else in my life had ever shown me the amount of love and care that Alex did, and even though this new act was a mix of his care for me, and his own psyche playing tricks on him, I knew it was coming from love. I knew it, so I had to make myself accept it. It didn’t take the sting of rejection away though.

“Cassie, I’m not repulsed by you or any shit like that, so get that out of your head. I just think you need to heal, and I know I need some time.”

“I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.”

He held me tight and gently kissed my neck as I cried on his shoulder. As troublesome as our hidden and forbidden relationship was it seemed the real trouble was brewing in the aftermath, and it was going to take every ounce of love for us to wade through these rocky waters. I missed my Alex, I missed the way we were, and even in my state of sadness I was more determined than ever to get all of that back.

The absolute last thing I wanted to do was hurt Cassie, and I had to admit that my reaction to her trying to have sex was shocking. I’d had plenty of time to think about what Allen had done to her, and I damn sure believed her when she’d told me that he hadn’t stuck his dick inside of her, but that still didn’t erase the fact that some part of him had been in there. It not only pissed me off to the highest degree, but it also triggered a hurt and a shame that left me weak.

I’d been sitting around, wallowing in my own self-pity, and instead of utilizing every single second that I’d had with her, I’d taken the time to try and clear my head, alone, leaving her in harm’s way. And when harm struck, it hit with the force of a fucking wrecking ball.

I listened to her try and tell me that it wasn’t my fault—that if Allen was out to get her, he was going to get her—but I couldn’t believe that. If I hadn’t had my head stuck so far up my own ass, I would have had Cassie with me, and this bullshit wouldn’t have happened.

I held Cassie close to me in the bathtub, hoping to show her that I was still very much in love with her, even if I couldn’t jump head first into sex. Each tear that slid down my shoulder was another cut, at my heart. Her hurt was mine. It was shared. And when she allowed herself to be vulnerable, it was a slow death for me.

After the bath, I softly lathered her in lotion, using it as another opportunity to be intimate with her, even if I couldn’t be the way that she had wanted me to be. She seemed to settle in after that, then we shared the duties of making dinner.

Now, as she lay sleeping in the bed, I could do nothing but stare at the beauty of her, and the fact that I was able to have her all to myself without having to hide or lie.

I took my phone out into the living room and called my mom back. She’d been fucking blowing my phone up, and there were a shit ton of messages too, but listening to those would have been a waste of time.

“Alejandro,” she answered, sounding overly anxious.

“Yes, Mama, what’s wrong?”

“Alejandro, what have you done? What have you gotten yourself into?”

“Mama, slow down. What are you talking about?”

“There was a man who called here. He spoke to Mama, then to me. He was asking questions about Cassie and if we knew her.”

Anger flared like raging flames. That motherfucker was now involving my family. I wanted to bring hell to his doorstep. I wanted to dismantle him. More than anything, I wanted to bash his fucking brains in. He had crossed a fucking boundary. If he wanted to keep me in a strangle hold with information from people in our community, fine, have at it. But to go through my files and call my next of kin…it was sick and fucking disturbing.

“Mama, was his name First Sergeant O’Hara?”

“Yes…yes, that was it. I didn’t know who he was or what he wanted—”

“What did you tell him?” I asked.

“I told him we’d met Cassie once.”

Air left my body, leaving me sitting there like a deflated balloon. Of course, she had no idea what was going on or what harm her confirmation could have done, but it didn’t lessen the sting I felt with her admittance.

“Alejandro, is everything okay? I didn’t know what was going on. First thing I thought was that she may have done something to you. I didn’t know.”

“It’s all right, Mama.”

“Is everything okay? Are you okay? Where is Cassie?”

“Cassie is asleep in the room. We are fine.”

“So why was that man calling around?”

I sighed, not really wanting to get into this over the phone with her. “Mama, we’ll be down this weekend, and I’ll tell you all about it then. But do me a favor. If that man, or anyone else from the Marines calls you, tell them you have nothing to say. Same for Abuelita and Adriana.”

“Alejandro, what’s going on?” Worry took over her voice, and I could tell that she was not okay with this conversation being shelved for a later date.

“Everything is fine. We will be down this weekend. Don’t worry. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I hung up and wanted to throw my fucking phone. I wanted to punch through the walls. I wanted to yell out all of my frustrations, but I couldn’t.

I didn’t want to disturb Cassie’s sleep. She had been through enough and sleep was good for her now. Plus, I didn’t want to rile her up anymore where this fucking idiot O’Hara was concerned. If I didn’t think I’d be thrown in the brig, immediately court-martialed, and dishonorably discharged, I would beat fucking O’Hara to a bloody pulp. He was going much too far. He’d already gotten Nat’s words, he had my actions, my words, and now, he was dragging my fucking family into this. I realized then that there was nothing that this man wouldn’t do to make me pay for my indiscretions, and by nothing, I meant he’d do anything.

The next morning, after a couple of hours of sleep, I took the early morning to go for a run and try to purge the violent thoughts of me and what I wanted to do to O’Hara out of my system. Running along Highway Sixty-Two, the speeding cars, the bright headlights shining in my eyes, gave me clarity. It made me sort through some of the fucking bullshit roaming around in my head, and it made me realize that I had to head off O’Hara. I had to get a few steps ahead of him if I wanted a chance at beating him and making him eat his fucking efforts. I wanted to see the look of disdain mixed with a hefty dose of defeat plastered on his fucking face, giving me the satisfaction of making his life a living hell.

When I returned to the house, Cassie was standing in the kitchen wearing a sports bra and some athletic shorts, brewing coffee and scrambling eggs. I snuck up behind her and slowly wrapped my arm around her taut middle, making her jump and squeal.

“You asshole! You were about to get hot eggs and a pan to the face.”

I laughed. Even flustered she was still so fucking beautiful, but the look on her face was serious, and I realized how close to home that innocent little act had been for her.

“I’m sorry, Blondie,” I apologized. “You’re so fucking hot looking all domestic. I like this look.”

She sighed heavily. “It’s okay. Don’t get used to it, though.” She continued scrambling. “Anyway, where have you been?”

I released her and grabbed two plates, then sat them down on the island. “I went for a run. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“I know. I woke up, and you weren’t in bed with me, then I saw the light on in here and heard you talking. I was so tired that I just fell back asleep. Who were you talking to?”

She moved over to the plates with the pan of eggs, divvying them up between the two. I watched her move, graceful as all hell, like this had been a routine we’d been doing for a while. My mind skipped to me and her making this a normal routine, and for a brief second, I was actually able to smile.

“Alex—”

“Sorry, I just had to take care of some shit. You have so much going on that I didn’t want to bother you.”

“And you don’t?”

Those green eyes focused in on me were not buying into the brush-off answer.

“Cassie, I’m not getting into it right now. Let’s eat. We need to get to work, and I need to see Captain Hedlund. Where are you reporting today?”

Cassie swallowed her food, then looked forlornly into my eyes. I could tell I wasn’t going to like whatever was about to come out of her mouth. “To O’Hara.”

“What the fuck for? Why don’t you have your new orders yet?”

“I don’t have any yet.”

“Yes, you do. I saw them.”

“What? When?”

“I’m a desk bitch now, so I came across your orders. You’ll be in three seventy-four with—”

“Angelica.”

Her face fell. Even though that bitch had come to her hospital room and apologized for being a stupid cunt to her, I still didn’t care for her, and apparently, after gauging Cassie’s reaction to her orders, she didn’t either. We finished up our breakfast with more pleasant topics of conversation. As much as I wanted to tell her about O’Hara’s phone calls to my family, I just couldn’t place more worry on her shoulders. I wanted to bear the burden of all of this because it was my duty. Cassie deserved none of this blowback, and if I could work things just right, she wouldn’t take any of the impending heat.

++++

Stopping at the front gate to present ID to the guard was something that usually would have been just another part of the morning routine, but today, with Cassie in the truck, there was a liberating feel to it. I didn’t have to sneak her on the base with me. It was strange how something so fucking trivial was such a bright spot in what was sure to be another horrendous day.

“Should I drop you off at O’Hara’s office?” I asked Cassie with a smirk. She didn’t seem to find the humor in it.

“No, Alex, don’t press buttons.”

“Fuck that guy, Blondie. We’re a couple. Why the fuck are we hiding it?”

“We aren’t hiding it. We’re just being smart and not rubbing noses in our shit.”

I hated that analogy, but decided not to press further and let it go. After circling the parking lot for a space, I finally parked in front of Captain Hedlund’s office building since Cassie insisted on making the long walk back over to O’Hara’s office on her own. I took the moment to savor that soft, sweet vanilla aroma that permeated from her sun kissed body, kissing her with all I had before we both hopped out of the truck and went our separate ways. The more I thought about O’Hara, holding on to her and dangling a noose in front of her, the more irritated I became. I tried to wrangle that shit in since I was sitting down with Hedlund in a minute and needed a clear head.