I knew our time was going to get cut short because of my Father-in-law, Jim’s, birthday party that evening.  Walker had promised Liz, my mother-in-law, that he would help her with the planning and getting everything prepared, but I was not ready for Walker to pull away as quickly as he did. Breaking our lingering stare, Walker looked over to my clock on my nightstand. "Mags, I got to head out. Liz needs me to pick the cake up for Jim's party tonight …”

Trailing off, I watched his eyes scan over the pamphlets scattered next to my clock.  Picking a few up, he turned to me with concern and frustration spreading like wild fire across his face, his green eyes darkening and his jaw flexing, burning away the loving glare I was enjoying so much. “Mags.” He sighed and shook his head for a moment. “You promised.”

I gaped at him, taking the pamphlets out of his hand.  I looked down at a few terrible titles like, ‘How to Cope with the Loss of a Spouse’ and ‘It’s Okay to Grieve,’ suddenly feeling like I was going to lose my breakfast. I took the lot of them and shoved them away in the drawer of my nightstand. “Yeah, I know … but I just want to do this on my own. Don’t worry, I set up an appointment with someone.” I faked a smile, and it seemed like enough of an answer for Walker.

He stood up and stretched. “Alright, as long as you’re taking care of yourself, I’m happy. See you tonight?”

Trying to push away my frustration, I let my mind wander back to our relaxing morning. "Tell Liz I'll be there at eight, unless she needs help with anything."

"Okay, I'll let her know." And with a quick kiss to my forehead, he was out the door. I hated watching anyone walk away from me. Being alive was hard enough, but alone, it was almost unbearable. As Walker shut my front door, I curled up in a ball on my bed and let hot tears pour again from my aching eyes. The thought of having to spend time with a large group of people that night was almost too overwhelming. I longed to run away and hide from life for the rest of the day. It was a terrible coping mechanism I had developed, but it was effective. I cried harder when I figured there was no escape from our plans, and buried my face deep into my pillow.

Randy grew up down the street from where we ended up purchasing our home. He always said family needed to be close for when our kids were growing up. Now, silently I thanked him for forcing me into this house five minutes from the in-laws, because I needed them as a different type of support system than expected. The City of Orlando had really turned into home for me. My heart died there, and I was determined to revive it there eventually. It was what Randy would have wanted. He would have been so happy to know my mom moved here to help take care of me, and that Walker had stayed, too. "A support system is important, Mags. It doesn’t always have to be you against the world, ya know."

            My phone buzzed in my hand, bringing me back from my pity party and daydreams of my husband. I looked down to find a message from my mother-in-law, Liz:

Don't worry; Walker and I are taking care of everything. See you at eight.

            I sighed, rubbed my eyes and dragged myself out of bed. The clock said six, and even though I could walk to their house, I figured I need the extra time to start putting effort in my appearance since it had been so long since I cared what I looked like. I made my way into the bathroom and let the water start to get boiling hot while I sat on the toilet, waiting.

My mind tripped back to my amazing in-laws, and how important they had become to me, especially with the terrible situation we found ourselves in. Liz and Jim McManus had been more than just in-laws to me ever since Randy and I first started dating, and I owed it to them to put on a brave face. Even though they lost their son, they had been instrumental in bringing me through my grief that I worried they didn’t get the chance they deserved to grieve themselves. The shame made it difficult to even look into their eyes most of the time. It was unbearable to walk around with all the different forms of guilt inside me. I knew I had to get better for everyone’s sake. Today can be the beginning of a brand new start.

As I got into the shower I could hear Randy's voice. "I married one hell of a woman, you know that, baby?" I smirked as I massaged shampoo into my scalp. Those are the memories I never got used to being reminded of. All of the little things he would to do to make sure I knew he loved me, that he belonged to me. I wished I had told him more how much they meant, how much he meant to me. I miss you so much it hurts. The hot water rushed over my pink skin, while steam floated out over the curtain. I stood, holding myself, letting the water run over my body for a few moments, before mustering up the courage to step onto the cold tile floor.

Without even drying myself, I tossed my hair up in one towel and then wrapped another around my dripping body. Looking in the mirror over my sink, I was disgusted at the black, puffy circles around my eyes, and how hollow my cheek bones were.

Skulking back into my room, shuffling my feet along my fluffy carpet, I grabbed my makeup and turned on my flat iron. I sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the closet door mirror and began to apply eyeliner. This had become a habit from the first time I slept over at Randy's room in the fraternity house. I would always take my shower first, and while I got ready, Randy would wash up. The only place for me to be able to do my primping was on his floor, sitting Indian-style in front of a full-length mirror propped up against the wall Randy bought for me after I complained about not being able to do makeup in a fogged-up mirror.

Once my eyes were just the perfect blend of smoky gray and black, my natural curls burned into submission, I took one last look at myself in the mirror, again disgusted with my appearance. I still felt like an empty shell. It was terrible to see on my face. The lack of sleep, improper nutrition and guilt had started to take a noticeable toll. I grabbed my blush and bronzer, blending my cheeks more to hide my uncharacteristically pale skin. One last look in the mirror, I closed my makeup kit. This is going to have to do; makeup can only hide so much.

I rummaged through my closet, trying to find something to wear. All the way in the back, I found a dress that still had the tags on it from right after Randy got deployed. I had a lot of free time back then, and usually filled the void with shopping with Cali, mostly for things I had yet to wear. I yanked the dress off the hanger, slipped it over my head and pulled on a pair of wedges. Good enough.

I sighed and trudged down the stairs to the freezer, taking my black-labeled savior out of his icy home. I was going to need all the help possible to put on a brave, put-together face, and whiskey was my known choice for liquid courage. Here goes nothing. I took one big, deep breath and headed out my front door.

2

When my feet planted on the McManus’ front porch, a rush of warmth folded over me, almost like putting on a comfortable sweater. I always loved my in-laws, and I was truly happy I made the effort to come. Jim was hitting the big six-zero. The number had never fazed him; as he would put it, “you’re only as old as you feel.” His optimism was something I always admired, but his best feature was his laugh. He was always cracking jokes, even making himself roll on the floor from time to time. Jim had one of the best booming, barreling hoots I ever heard. He was known to cry, kick his feet up and cry hysterically during some of his fits. He was a big, burly man with a laugh that matched him pound for pound, bellowing through the huge smile he always wore.

I couldn’t even see Jim for a while, not after everything that happened. Looking into those deep brown eyes, seeing that big grin; even through all of it, the suffering, the grieving, Jim still smiled. I figured that was his way of holding onto the last few precious memories he had with his son. They were best friends, and had identical laughs, eye, and mouth.

As Liz opened the front door, I became wrapped into the warm embrace of lilac melted in orange cleaner. I hugged her soft body to me, telling her how beautifully her new bouncy bob hair cut complimented her face. Holding her was like taking in a breath of fresh air, her loving arms washed away my nerves for a moment. Her round eyes and pink cheeks perked up as she pulled away just enough to look into my face. “Margret, you look stunning!” She beamed, making me twirl around once for her. “It’s so nice to see you out of sweats.”

I smiled at the accolade, looking down at my sea-foam sundress and cork wedges, “I needed to start acting and dressing the way Randy would have wanted. He was always so happy. We should be celebrating the fact that we were lucky enough to have him.” The foreign words choked out from the back of my throat. Luckily, Liz didn’t seem to notice how forced they were. I didn’t like talking that way, it wasn’t in my nature, but Liz ate shit like that up, and it was amazing to see her this happy because of my words.

Before she formed a response, another pair of warm, familiar arms curled around my shoulders from behind, making my face light up like a little kid seeing Santa at the mall. I spun around and for a split second, I felt like I was looking into Randy’s eyes again. “Hi Papa Bear!” I threw my arms around his wide neck to whisper, “Happy birthday you old fart!” right in Jim’s ear. I couldn’t help but giggle as Jim beamed down at me, chuckling, his cheeks already turning rosy from the whiskey lingering on his breath.

“Mags, I am so glad you came,” his voice was joyous, and his arm was still round my waist. “Look at you! This is the Mags I know and love! Happiness looks great on you.” He released me, only to fill my hand with a beer, which had been waiting on the side table. I let the amber liquid flow down my throat, praying for a little liquid courage to keep my spirits up. I loved being with my in-laws, but the way that they acted so well-adjusted freaked me out. A lot. Hopefully, the beer will start to kick in soon.

I looked around the room at all of the familiar faces, most of which I hadn’t seen since the funeral, and before that, our wedding. The whole McManus clan was here, mingling with Jim’s work friends and some of Randy’s fraternity buddies. Since Randy lived so close to where we went to school, Liz and Jim became the second parents to any college kid looking for a hot meal, especially Walker. Even after so many years, they all knew where to come for good food, drinks and company.

The chatter from the living room was almost deafening. Randy and I were married right in the backyard, under an awning that Jim, Walker and Randy built together. Their backyard was tight, but it felt so cozy with all of our loved ones around. I could not have imagined a more perfect day.

I couldn’t believe it had only been a little over a year since I held so much happiness. Now I was an empty shell, and seeing everyone washed all the bittersweet memories over me again. The feelings warmed my heart and burnt my eyes all at the same time, as the memory of Randy’s funeral hit me like a ton of bricks smacking me in the face. Grieving, screaming, laughing, and crying; it was shocking how flashbacks would take over like that, throwing me for a loop. One moment remembering moments of pure bliss and the next getting run over by a dump truck filled with misery. I had to grab onto the back of the couch for balance until the terrible image finally left my mind.

Thankfully, my attention was pulled away from the back window as Walker’s eyes met mine from across the room. He was chatting with Mitch, who looked over at me with a wave. Mitch was a sight for sore eyes. All of us had been inseparable for years, since our first meeting during fraternity rush. I held up the bottle of whiskey from my freezer, and Walker nodded with a huge grin. He headed toward the kitchen, leaving Mitch to talk to one of Randy’s aunts, since he was too nice to excuse himself and risk someone thinking he was rude.

As I walked past the living room, following Walker’s lead, I heard Mitch telling her a story about his sheer heroism. A few months before Mitch had saved a family of four from their home engulfed in flames after the mother had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth.  Mitch was not one to boast too much but, Irena was eating it up, gasping and touching his lean arm muscles.  For a lady well into her golden years, she sure could flirt and she was eating up her fire fighter man candy.