“Of feeling, of needing.” She glanced at Hollis, saw the strength in her face, the gentleness in her eyes. “Of needing you.”

Hollis sucked in a shaky breath. “You think I’ll hurt you.”

“No,” Annie said, “I’m just afraid you will. I told you I was a coward.”

“Everyone is afraid.” Hollis watched Callie throw seeds onto the water. “Rob’s daughter would have been about twice Callie’s age by now. Sometimes when I look at Callie, I imagine what it would’ve been like to be part of her life. To watch her grow up.” She laughed shortly. “Everyone else in the family has boys, but Rob was going to have a daughter. He was beyond excited. He said she’d probably turn out to be just like me, and I was secretly so happy about that.”

Annie carefully took Hollis’s hand, afraid she might pull away but needing to touch her so much. “What happened?”

Hollis turned from watching Callie and gazed at Annie. “His wife—Nancy—couldn’t stand to be anywhere near the city after he was killed. Said the place terrified her. So she joined her best friend on a commune in West Virginia. She just up and left.”

“God, that must have been awful,” Annie murmured. “So many lives destroyed that day.”

“I know, and I think I understand why she left. We all reminded her of Rob, and when he died, we pulled closer together. Maybe she felt left out. But what she did…” Hollis clenched her jaw. So much pain.

“What,” Annie asked, rubbing Hollis’s suddenly cold hand between hers. “What did she do, sweetheart?”

“She didn’t just move away, she cut off all contact.” Hollis grimaced. “I tried to trace her, but the group she joined lived off the grid—growing their own food, making their own clothes, living a life completely different from what she’d had with Rob. She had a right to her own life, and when I couldn’t find any contact information, I gave up. Just hoped she’d reach out to us when the baby was born. Another mistake, probably.”

“She made the choice, and you respected that,” Annie said, thinking of all those who had never given her as much consideration, even when her choices had hurt no one. Hollis had been devastated by loss upon loss and still she’d accepted Nancy’s decision. Imagining Hollis’s pain sliced at her heart. She squeezed Hollis’s hand. “What happened?”

“Nancy decided to have the baby at the commune. They were fifty miles up a goddamned mountain with no medical backup. No midwife—at least not one with any kind of training—nothing.”

Annie’s stomach tightened. A home birth—no wonder Hollis had resented the idea. “She had problems?”

“We don’t know for sure what the hell happened. What she remembers—or is willing to tell us—is sketchy. My best guess is the cord prolapsed and they didn’t detect it until it was too late. The baby was born dead.”

“Oh, Hollis,” Annie murmured, her heart bleeding. “I am so, so sorry.”

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You’re nothing like her. I’m sorry.”

Hollis trembled, and that moved Annie more than Hollis’s anger or her own fears. Scooting closer, she wrapped both arms around Hollis’s waist. “You have nothing to apologize for. It’s all right now.”

“Is it?” Hollis shuddered. “I don’t think so. If only Rob hadn’t been at the station that day.”

“Shh.” Annie stroked Hollis’s hair, her cheek, her neck. “That’s not your fault. You need to forgive yourself, Hollis.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You’re not alone anymore,” Annie whispered, and she felt the words in her soul. She wasn’t alone either.

After a long moment, Hollis drew away, rubbing her face as she sat upright. “Sorry. I thought I was past all of that.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

Hollis stood, hollow-eyed. “Come back to the clinic, Annie. It’s where you belong. I’m not going to bother you anymore.”

“Hollis,” Annie said, rising quickly. “Don’t—”

What was she going to say. Don’t go? She’d told Hollis to go and she was still afraid. But the answers didn’t really matter. Hollis was already gone.

Chapter Twenty-seven

The buzz of her cell phone pulled Hollis from an uneasy sleep. The early-July night air hung heavily in the room, and she shook her head to clear away the haze. “Monroe.”

“Hollis? It’s Annie.”

“Annie?” Hollis jolted upright, the tendrils of sleep fractured by sudden alarm. She hadn’t seen Annie or heard her voice in nearly a month, but she recognized the tightly controlled tension in her words. Her stomach twisted. “What is it?”

“I’ve got a patient with a breech. External version hasn’t worked, and I’m concerned we’ve got a footling presentation. We’ve waited long enough.”

“Where are you?”

“We’re fifteen minutes from the medical center. I’ve already called for transport…wait a minute. The ambulance is just pulling up. I don’t know if you’re on call—”

“I’ll be right there.”

“You have my number. If you could call me after you see—”

“No, you stay with her. She’ll want you there.” Hollis took a breath. “So do I.”

A fraction of silence. “Of course. Thank you. The paramedics are here. Do you want to talk to them?”

“No. You know what to do. I’ll meet you in the ER.” Hollis disconnected, stripped off the shorts and T-shirt she’d fallen asleep in, and pulled on jeans and button-up shirt she didn’t bother to tuck in. She glanced at the clock on her way out. Eleven forty. Of course. She swiped her keys from the table inside the door and hurried down the sidewalk. Annie would have already talked to the ER docs. The EMTs would take care of stabilizing the patient en route, and Annie would prepare the patient for what would happen at the hospital. Annie could handle things.

God, Annie. She’d been trying not to think of her and now she didn’t even pretend she didn’t want to. Hollis drove the route to PMC automatically and replayed the last few rotten weeks. Annie had not come back to the clinic. Suzanne had rotated through for a week, then a guy named Chris—apparently the only male midwife in the region—then Allison. Each Monday Hollis had looked for Annie, but Annie had not come. She’d told Annie she wouldn’t bother her anymore, and she’d kept her word. She hadn’t called her. Pride maybe, or fear. Fear if she called, Annie would send her away and truly be gone. That would cut in ways she hadn’t thought she could hurt any longer.

Avoidance wasn’t in her nature, and every morning when she woke, her first conscious thought was of Annie. The surge of happiness when Annie’s face flashed into her mind quickly dissolved into pain when she realized Annie was gone. She missed her. She missed the challenge of her, the tenderness of her, the desire that swelled each time she saw her. She missed Callie too, and the unadulterated pleasure of watching her embrace the world with unbridled enthusiasm. Joy, desire, longing, and wonder. She hadn’t felt any of those things since the day Rob died. She hadn’t realized until now that she missed them. She’d decided long ago that the pleasure was not worth the chance of pain, but maybe she had been wrong.

She pulled into the nearly empty physicians’ lot at PMC and focused on the job ahead. Her pulse steadied, her mind cleared. When she walked into the emergency room, the first person she saw was Linda. “Are they here yet?”

“ETA two minutes. We’ve got twelve set up for her. The ultrasound is in there already.”

“Good. The OR on standby?”

Linda nodded. “I thought Moorehouse was on call for you guys.”

“Special patient. How are you doing?”

Linda looked the way pregnant women did when they were approaching the last stages. The full mound of her abdomen dominated her small frame, her skin glowed with a rosy hue, her eyes shone with secret expectation. She was beautiful.

“I’ve been doing fine.” Linda held up crossed fingers. “Not a twinge. Annie says the baby is right on schedule. Twelve weeks and counting.”

The mention of Annie’s name sent a pang through Hollis’s belly, but she kept her smile in place. “Excellent.”

“I haven’t seen you much this summer,” Linda said, a probing tone in her voice. “You missed a couple of spectacular barbecues.”

“Been busy.”

“Uh-huh. I heard you and Quinn are training together.”

“We’re putting in some miles. Arly is tireless. Been keeping me jumping.”

“Uh-huh,” Linda said again, eyeing her with a look that said she knew there was more to the story.

Behind her, the ER doors whooshed open, and Hollis turned, grateful for the interruption. The paramedics pushed in a stretcher bearing a pregnant woman covered to her shoulders by a thin white sheet and surrounded by equipment. A balding man in a rumpled shirt, camo shorts, and flip-flops hurried alongside, his hand gripping hers. Annie, in a plain blue scrub top and tan pants, held on to the side rail, her head bent to the patient. The sight of her was a kick to Hollis’s chest. Annie looked tired, but more beautiful than ever. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, her expression calm and steady. When she looked up and saw Hollis, color rose to her cheeks.

“Take her in twelve,” Hollis told the EMT.

“You got it,” he said in passing.

Annie stepped away and Hollis said, “Hi.”

“Thank you for being here.” Annie followed the stretcher as it turned around the corner and disappeared. She looked at Hollis, her gaze searching. “I didn’t know who was on call, but I wanted you.”

“Anytime.” Hollis wanted to say more. Wanted to say I’ve missed you, I wanted to call. I should have called. I was an idiot to walk away. Later, maybe later. Now they had another battle to wage. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“She’s thirty-six weeks and went into labor about seven hours ago. It’s her second child, the first was an uncomplicated vaginal delivery.” Annie’s gaze followed the stretcher down the hall. “We knew the baby was breech, but she really wanted to try at home. Suzanne was with me. She’s delivered a lot of breeches, and we’ve been watching her carefully. External version seemed to work, but the baby flipped again and I think a foot is down. She’s stalled and I’m not comfortable with the whole situation.”

“Any prenatal problems?”

“Some edema that started at about seven months, but nothing else.” Annie shook her head. “I’ve been concerned about the presentation all along, and I told her we might need to change plans. She’s prepared.”

“All right. Let’s have a look.”

The ultrasound confirmed Annie’s impression. The baby was facing the right side, head up, and one leg down.

“The cord is low lying,” Hollis said to Annie as they reviewed the scan. “If we try for a vaginal delivery we risk cord compression, especially if we need to go to forceps.”

Annie sighed. “I’ll talk to her, unless you—”

“No,” Hollis said. “You have the relationship with her. Let’s go.”

“Dr. Monroe and I agree,” Annie said, taking Kathy’s hand. “The safest thing for the baby is to go with a C-section.”

“When?” Kathy’s gaze flicked to her husband, who nodded.

“It’s time,” Annie said. “Dr. Monroe will do the surgery as soon as the OR is ready.”

“Can you keep me awake?” Kathy looked at Hollis.

“That’s up to anesthesia,” Hollis said, “but we’ll try. You’ll need an epidural, and depending on how things go upstairs, you may need to be sedated or even given general anesthesia. But we’ll try.”

Kathy gripped her husband’s hand. “Can Frank—”

“Yes.” Hollis turned to Kathy’s husband. “You can stay at the head of the table with anesthesia while we do the delivery. Both of you will be able to see your baby as soon as we get her out.”

Annie squeezed Kathy’s arm. “This is the best thing. You can trust Hollis on this.”

“If it were you—” Kathy said, looking at Annie.

“I’d do whatever Dr. Monroe advised. I trust her.”

The words settled in Hollis’s heart like a soothing caress. Annie’s trust was the one thing in the world she wanted. At least here in the hospital, she had it. “We’ve got a plan, then.”

Annie smiled at Hollis. “Can you get me in too?”

“Yes.” Hollis nodded. “Come with me.”

*

“Here you go,” Hollis said, handing Annie a pair of faded green scrubs.

“Thank you.” Annie took the scrubs and put her bag in the bench. The locker room was empty and their voices echoed hollowly. Now that they were alone, she was hyperaware of Hollis’s every move. Hollis looked so damn good. Her hair was a little longer and wilder, her body a bit leaner. Her face was sharper, more austerely handsome. Annie ached to touch her. She gripped the scrubs to her chest.

Hollis opened a narrow metal locker. “You can put your clothes in here with mine.”