"This is a daily meditation book. I expect you to read the appropriate passage each morning and again at night." Crystal took the offered book and opened it. Each page was labeled with the month and date, but no day.

"You want me to meditate?"

"I'm not talking chants and yoga," Jenny said. "Take ten to fifteen minutes in the morning to read and think about the day's topic."

Topic? Curious, Crystal looked closer. Each day focused on a different feeling or problem. Discouragement, self-worth, shame, guilt, and anger were the topics for the next five days. "Looks like real fun reading," she said sarcastically.

"It's not meant to be fun, it's meant to be thought-provoking. This isn't going to be easy, Crystal. If you want to change then you have to make some changes." The stripper continued to flip pages while Jenny continued. "Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

"You like that phrase, don't you Doc?"

"I like many phrases. That happens to be one of my favorites." She leaned back on the couch and tucked her feet up beneath her. "So how does this work? Do you ask me questions and I answer them or what? I've never done this before."

"You're not in the principal's office here, Crystal. We'll do it whatever way is comfortable for you, to a point."

"To a point?"

"Change is uncomfortable and scary. I'm not going to let that fear keep you from growing. I may push you from time to time but it's done only out of compassion and concern, not any desire to cause you pain." A slight smile curled her lips. "I get the feeling, Miss Sheridan, that you can be stubborn as hell when you want to be."

"And I get the feeling that you can be a pain in the ass when you want to be," Crystal countered with an equal smile. "Sometimes Patty would push me to do homework or something and I'd call her every name in the book. Wish I'd listened to her then."

"Your sister encouraged you to do your homework? Where was your mother?"

That question earned a derisive snort from the blonde. "My mother? Oh, you mean the lush that stayed in the bedroom all the time with her cable and doggie dew."

"Doggie dew?"

"Mad Dog twenty twenty and Mountain Dew. Nasty shit."

"It sounds it," Jenny agreed. "Did your father drink too?"

"Case after case of whatever was cheapest that week." Crystal heard thee.g.in her own voice and took a deep breath. "After Patty left, he started with the whiskey." And me, she added silently.

"Let's go back for a minute," Jenny said. "Help me make sure I have my facts straight. Your sister ran away when she was ?"

"Seventeen."

She nodded. "And you ran away when you were"

"Fifteen and a half."

"What grade were you in?"

"Halfway through ninth grade. I should have been in tenth but I got held back a year."

"Did you ever go back?"

Crystal looked at the diplomas on the wall and shook her head. "I was too busy trying to live from day to day to worry about school." She studied the stitching on the chair, too ashamed to look at Jenny. "I didn't do good when I was there so why bother? I can read and write. I get by just fine." "Is getting by all you want to do? Just make enough money to get from week to week with no future?"

"It's all I've got!" Crystal snapped. Don't you fucking get it? I'm nothing. "I take my clothes off for money because that's all I'm good for. I can't make better money somewhere else."

"Then you need to do whatever it takes to make that possible. You're what, twenty-four?"

"Twenty-five."

"Twenty-five. How many more years do you think you can keep stripping? How long before stripping won't be enough to pay the bills? What are you going to do then?"

Crystal gripped the arms of the recliner, her defenses kicking in to the challenge in Jenny's voice.

"Come on, Crystal. What things have you done for yourself that keep you from ending up just another statistic?" Jenny waited a few seconds for an answer, then continued. "All right, what changes are you going to make so you don't end up a statistic?"

"I don't know."

"Another rule, Miss Sheridan. I don't allow cop outs and I will call you on them. Let's try again. What changes are you going to make so you don't end up dead somewhere with a needle in your arm?"

"I'm too old to go back to school."

"Wrong. You can study at home for the equivalency test. Pass that and it holds the same weight as a high school diploma. You can even download research materials off the internet."

"I don't have a computer."

"They have them at the library," Jenny countered. "I don't allow excuses either."

"I didn't come here to be lectured into going back to school," Crystal said. What does that have to do with the fucking nightmares? "So why did you come here?"

"What?" You know why I came here. Why are you pushing me like this?

Jenny repeated her question. "Why did you come here? What are you hoping to accomplish?"

"You know."

"Tell me."

"You know," Crystal repeated angrily.

"Say it."

"I want it to stop," she snapped, glaring at the therapist. "I want the nightmares to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want the fucking pain to stop!"

"So what are you going to do to change that?" Jenny asked, nonplused by the outburst. "What changes are you going to make to make the pain stop?"

Crystal turned away, clenching her jaw and refusing to answer.

"I told you this wouldn't be easy," Jenny said. "No one else can do all the work. It's up to you to make the tough choices and change the way things are for yourself. You're not that lost fifteen year old anymore."

"Now I'm a lost twenty-five year old," Crystal muttered, still refusing to look at the therapist. "Is that what you're trying to tell me?" "No, I think that's what you're trying to tell me," Jenny said gently. "I think this is a good stopping point for today."

"But" She looked at her watch. "I still have five minutes."

"Enough time for us to talk about some more of the rules."

"Oh yippee." Here it comes.

"I knew you'd like this part."

Crystal rolled her eyes and raised her eyebrow at the brown haired woman.

"First, no drinking or drugging before you meet with me. This is serious work and I won't waste my time with someone who can't be serious as well." "Fine." I'll just make sure I schedule the appointments in the morning.

"Second, there's a proper and an improper way to deal with anger. I told you this room is a safe place and you can yell all you want, but" The therapist raised her finger. "The only things you can throw or hit are the pillows." Crystal nodded in agreement. "And I don't just mean here," Jenny added. "At home too. Get yourself a beanbag or an overstuffed pillow."

"Fine, anything else?"

"Get a spiral notebook, a thick one. I want you to write in it each day."

"You want me to keep a diary?" Are you nuts? Write it down so someone can see it? She shook her head. "No way."

"Way. You write in it whenever you want but at least once a day."

"What about?"

"Whatever you want. How you're feeling, what's going on in your life, anything you feel like writing about." Jenny stood up and took the book from Crystal's hands. Finding the correct page, she handed it back. "You still have a few minutes left. Today's topic is self-worth. Read it now and again at bedtime. Read tomorrow's when you wake up and again in the middle of the day. Find yourself ten to fifteen minutes three times a day to read the meditations and think about them."

"And this is going to help, Doc?"

"Remember what I said about taking baby steps. Read the meditations three times a day for the next week and we'll talk about them." They walked to the door and Jenny rested her hand on the curved handle. "Usually my clients get hugs when they leave."

No way. Crystal backed up a step. "I'm not the hugging type."

Jenny put her hands up. "Okay. Just know that hugs are always allowed." She put her hand on the handle again. "One last thing. What I said out our personal and professional relationships, I meant it. We can talk about things in here but if you come to the softball games or I'm hanging around with Laura, we're just Jenny and Crystal, got it?"

"That mean you won't rag on me if I grab a few drinks after the game?"

"As long as you behave responsibly and don't drive or put yourself in dangerous situations." She opened the door. "I'll see you here next week." Next week. She did it. Jenny had agreed to help her. She paused at the doorway. "Hey Doc?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks." Crystal forced a smile to her face. Inside she was both thrilled and scared. "I

I don't know if I can do this but I'll try. Just don't get too disappointed in me if I can't, okay?"

"Crystal" Jenny's hand reached for her shoulder. "I told you this wouldn't be easy. I don't expect perfection and neither should you. What's important is that you learn from your mistakes and try again." She guided Crystal to the receptionist's desk. "Catherine, would you please schedule regular appointments for Miss Sheridan?"

"In a hail of gunfire" Laura furrowed her brow. "In a hail of gunfire

" Shaking her head, she pressed the backspace key repeatedly. "Sounds like something out of a forties gangster movie." Her back was beginning to ache from sitting in the same position so long but the deadline was too close for comfort. "Bullets fell like rain upon no no no no." Sighing heavily, she deleted the sentence and stared at the screen. I hate writing action. Give me a good dialogue scene any day. "The police opened fire, drowning the terrorists with a hail of bullets." Yeah, that works. "Then what?" The cursor tauntingly blinked at her as the seconds passed. "Fine." She began typing. "The police opened fire" Why would they open fire without knowing where the hostages were? She rubbed her face vigorously and blinked with disbelief when she saw the time on the screen. "Grrr." I can't believe it's so late. The pronounced yawn confirmed what her eyes told her. It was closer to morning than midnight and if the page count at the bottom of the screen was telling the truth, she had very little to show for her prolonged effort.

The seconds turned into minutes but no more words appeared on the computer screen. The writer's block that had plagued her for the last several weeks was rearing its head once again. Frustrated, Laura pushed away from the keyboard and leaned her head back, seeing only the ceiling. "All right, let's think about this," she said aloud, as if hearing the words would help bring things into focus. "The hostages are in the subbasement but the police don't know that. So where do the police think they are when the gunmen come out shooting?" Do they even need to be at the warehouse? If they're not there, where do I put them? Do I even need hostages? Why are they robbing the bank in the first place?

"Oooh, I hate this!" Sitting up in her seat, Laura moved herself in front of the keyboard again. The pressure to get the scene done and finish the required chapter on time was doing nothing to help her creativity. All right, just let me think for a minute. To her surprise, the front door closed, announcing Crystal was home from work. She listened as the refrigerator door was opened, then shut again, reminding Laura she meant to speak to her roommate about using the last of the milk and not marking it on the grocery pad. Heavy footed steps ascended the stairs, pausing at the landing.

"I'm awake," she called, wondering what caused Crystal to stop instead of heading straight to her room.

"You're up late." the voice on the other side of the door answered.

"Deadlines will do that to me." She rubbed her eyes and leaned back. "How was work?"

"It was work. Night."

"Night." What's wrong? The defeated tone in Crystal's voice concerned her. Laura opened the blinds and slid the door open, leaving the screen in place. Just in case she wants to talk, the writer told herself.

Several minutes passed and Laura had all but given up when she heard the glass door slide open and Crystal step out. I knew something was wrong. Shutting off the computer, she walked out onto the balcony. The orange glow of the cigarette was the only light in the near pitch darkness on Crystal's side. Goosebumps sprang up Laura's arm as a cool gust of wind blew by. "Brrr, I didn't realize it was so cool out here tonight."

"Uh huh."

"You up for company?"

"I'm not much company tonight," Crystal said dejectedly.

"That's all right, I'm not much either." She pulled out a chair and sat down, groaning as she did so. "I just can't take looking at that screen anymore." "Screen?" The stripper looked at the sliding door. "What's wrong with the screen?"