"Yeah well, I dunno." Crystal looked everywhere but at Jenny. The feeling of discomfort that she felt whenever she was in the room felt stronger than ever. "I just thought that since you had the hour open and all

" She picked at a thread sticking out from thee.g.of the armrest. "I didn't like today's meditation."

"And what about it didn't you like?" Jenny countered. "Today's passage was about putting the blame where it belongs, on the abuser and not on the victimized child."

"It's stupid. Of course it's all his fault." Crystal shifted in her chair, finally meeting Jenny eyes. "He's the bastard that couldn't keep his hands off his own kids." Again her fingers went to the dangling piece of thread and began tugging on it as she looked away from the therapist. She waited for a response but Jenny simply continued to look at her. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"What do you want me to say, Crystal?"

"I dunno, something."

"All right. How about you tell me what it is about that passage that has you so riled up today?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It's stupid."

"Your feelings aren't stupid," Jenny said gently. "They may be hard to understand. They may even be too painful to deal with but they are not stupid."

"Easy for you to say, Doc," Crystal snorted. "You didn't live with that bastard." Shifting until her knees were under her chin and her arms wrapped tightly around her calves, Crystal let her eyes settle on a spot on the floor. "You didn't have to put up him throwing your dinner against the wall because he ran out of beer. You didn't have to put up with all the yelling and swearing and screaming and hitting." As she spoke, Crystal's voice grew more agitated and her grip tightened. "You didn't have to hide under your blanket praying for him to die. You didn't have to listen to him" Feeling her throat tighten, Crystal shook her head and clenched her jaw tightly.

"You are right, Crystal," Jenny said. "I wasn't there. I wouldn't know firsthand of all the horrors you've suffered. Only you can tell me what that feels like. Try using I statements."

"You don't-"

"Use I, Crystal."

"I

" The tightness in her throat felt like a vise cutting off her words. "I

I hate him." Tugging hard on the loose thread, Crystal finally succeeding in breaking it free from the recliner.

"Please don't destroy my furniture," Jenny said, planting her feet on the floor and leaning forward until her forearms were resting on her thighs. "If you're feeling destructive, I have a whole chest full of stress relieving aides."

"I'm not feeling destructive," Crystal grumbled, crossing her arms to keep her wandering fingers from going after another loose piece of thread. "Well that's good to hear. So why don't you tell me why you called at lunchtime today looking for an appointment? Something must be troubling you."

Crystal remained silent for a moment, trying to find words to express the turmoil raging inside. Finally she blurted "Why do you make me read that damn book? I hate it."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me remember!" Crystal shouted, her hands balling into fists. "I read that damn thing before I left for work this morning and that's all I could think about all day." She reached for her cigarettes.

"How about a nice piece of sugar free hard candy instead?" Jenny offered, gesturing at the candy dish next to the coffee maker.

"I need a cigarette, not a piece of candy," Crystal grumbled, pushing the pack back into her pocket. Pushing out the chair, she crossed the room and retrieved a Styrofoam cup from the stack next to the coffee maker. "You know throwing shit out a window doesn't require a whole lot of brain power," Crystal said over her shoulder as she prepared her coffee. "I just walked up and down the damn hallway with no one to talk to but myself. Everyone else is in the rooms tearing down walls or whatever the hell it is they're doing in there." Instead of returning to her seat, Crystal walked over to the window and stared out. "I tune out all the different radios playing and get that tunnel vision, you know?" She continued on without waiting for an answer. "I dunno. I just couldn't get that stuff out of my mind. It it just" Crystal shook her head in frustration. The words that wanted to escape were too dangerous to give voice to but nothing else would come forth. "Forget it."

"You know I'm not going to let go that easily," Jenny said. "You said it makes you remember." Crystal stiffened, taking a purposeful swallow of her coffee before turning to meet Jenny's gaze. "What does it make you remember?"

"Everything." Crystal quickly drained the contents of the Styrofoam cup and tossed it in the wastebasket. She looked at the recliner but opted instead to place some distance between herself and the therapist. She planted herself on the blue beanbag, resting her wrists on her knees.

"Does it make you remember how you felt?" Jenny asked gently.

"Angry," Crystal replied, settling her focus on a brightly colored ball made of foam.

"What else?"

"Mad, angry what else are you looking for?"

"Anger masks an emotion we're too afraid to face." Jenny shifted closer, remaining on the couch but now sitting closer to her. "What are you thinking about right this minute?"

"Nothing," Crystal answered quickly, knowing from the look on Jenny's face that her answer would not be accepted. "I was just remembering, that's all." Shoulders shrugging, she reached out with her foot and kicked the ball away.

"Share with me."

"Ah, it's not a pretty story, Doc."

"Tell me," Jenny urged more firmly.

Crystal shifted her position on the beanbag, reaching out and picking up a hand strengthener. "It's like a movie clip playing over and over in my mind," she began, her gaze never leaving the floor. "I'm in my bed and I can hear him coming down the hall." Crystal squeezed the rubber grips until her knuckles were white before releasing them.

"It must have been scary for you, knowing what was going to happen and being unable to prevent it," Jenny prodded.

"There had to be something," Crystal said, increasing the rhythm of her squeezes on the grips. "I should have run away earlier or locked the door or something."

"You tried to run away, several times if I remember correctly. As for locking your door, what do you think your father would have done if you had locked it?"

"I did lock it once." The hand strenthener was tossed onto the red beanbag. "He bashed the door in. It never closed right again." A wry smile came to Crystal's lips and she raised her head to look at the therapist. "He beat the shit out of me that night, Doc." Finding Jenny's serious gaze too much to handle, Crystal looked away. "I think it was only a month or so after that when I finally got away from the bastard." She shook her head. "Nope, nothing but anger in there, Doc. I'm too numb to feel anything else."

Jenny gestured at the red beanbag. "May I?" Crystal reluctantly nodded and watched the therapist settle into a comfortable position. "Crystal, I'd like for you to do something, okay? First, uncross your legs and get comfortable."

Crystal raised an eyebrow and pushed her legs straight out.

"Good, now close your eyes."

"You trying to hypnotize me, Doc? I'm not up to walk around clucking like a chicken."

"I knew there was a sense of humor hidden inside there somewhere," Jenny said with a smile. "I promise I'm not going to try and hypnotize you. Now close your eyes." Crystal did as she was told, allowing herself to be enveloped in darkness. "Good," she heard Jenny say. "Now I want you to think about the clip you keep seeing in your mind." Instantly the vision of lying in her bed listening to the sound of her father's heavy footsteps coming down the hall filled her senses. "I want to think carefully," Jenny continued, her voice low and smooth. "Think about the temperature of the room, the sounds going on around you, the feel of the room around you. I want you to concentrate on the details." The blurred images came into sharper focus.

"I see it," Crystal said.

"Good. Now Crystal, I want you to concentrate. What do you look like?"

"What?"

"Close your eyes. Better. I asked you what you look like in the scene. Describe yourself to me. What are you wearing, how tall are you, that kind of stuff."

"I dunno." Crystal shrugged, her forehead furrowed with thought. "I don't really see myself, just a shape where I'm supposed to be." "Think hard. What did you look like then?"

"I was short for my age. I didn't really sprout until I was sixteen and by then I was out of there so I guess I was probably around five foot or so. Maybe five one or two."

"Where you a strong girl?"

"I did okay in sports but I wasn't a standout or anything."

"So about average for a fourteen year old."

"Yeah, I guess so," Crystal said, the image in her mind gaining shape but still very fuzzy. "I can't see my face, though."

"Do you have any old photographs from when you were younger?"

"No. I didn't think to pack those when I snuck out, Doc," Crystal said sarcastically. "I guess when I think about it I see myself like I am now."

"I want you to think of yourself when you were fourteen. Think about the hair, the pimples, the clothes, everything you can." Jenny's encouragement brought a clearer face to the child in Crystal's vision. "Now," Jenny said gently. "Do you see yourself better?"

"Yeah, I think so," Crystal replied.

"Okay, think about how small you were in comparison to your father."

Crystal flinched at the mention of her father and frowned, knowing Jenny saw her movement as well. "Yeah?"

"I want you to think about something else. Keep that image in your mind." Crystal kept her eyes closed, following Jenny's direction. "Who decided what time you woke up in the morning?"

"My parents did."

"And the time you went to bed at night?"

"They did."

"What about what you ate for breakfast? Dinner? What you wore to school?"

"Them."

"Sounds like you had very little power there," Jenny said.

"I picked out my underwear, that's about it," Crystal replied angrily, old feelings bubbling to the surface.

"So how can you possibly expect yourself, as a teenager with nothing but turmoil and chaos around you to be able to defend yourself against someone so much more powerful than you?"

Unable to think of a quick response, Crystal opened her eyes and looked at her therapist.

"You've never thought about it, have you?" Jenny continued, leaning forward until her knees were only inches away from Crystal's. "When you think about the past, you expect that child to be able to think and act as you would now as an adult."

"No I don't," Crystal protested, hugging her knees closer to her chest.

"Look deep down inside," Jenny insisted. "You keep saying if only I had a stronger lock or if only I had done this or done that. You were a child, Crystal. A little girl at the mercy of someone much bigger and stronger than yourself."

If Jenny said more, Crystal didn't hear it. Her thoughts were far away, in another time and place, where the monsters were real and the person who was supposed to protect her turned out to be her worst nightmare. Crystal tried to stiffen up, to put forth her tough persona, but it felt hollow and empty, even to her. Slumping her shoulders, she let her head fall forward. The painful memories and feelings that had been resurfacing all day finally found the strength to break through the dam and burst forth. Rapid blinking did nothing to ease the stinging in her eyes and Crystal knew the battle was lost. Burying her face into her arms, she felt the hot tears come. Her shaky breathing threatened to turn into an all out sob but years of selfpreservation helped Crystal quickly regain control. Wiping her wet face on her sleeves of her shirt, she stood up and walked over to the window. Looking through the tinted glass, Crystal watched various cars and trucks drive up and down the street. Taking several deep breaths, Crystal began to speak, not at all certain she would be able to keep her emotions in check. "I

I think that's enough for today, Doc."

"You can't run away from yourself," Jenny said gently, her voice coming from just behind Crystal's shoulder. "I know you like to think of yourself as a one woman island capable of existing without human comfort but you aren't."

"I can handle it," Crystal said firmly, refusing to look away from the window as another tear rolled down her face.

"Sure you can, Jane Wayne. Just you, your horse and a trusty six-shooter to kill anyone who comes near you, right?" A friendly hand landed on Crystal's shoulder. "You have a million feelings going through you right now and noi.e.how to sort them all out. I thought that's what you came here to do, not to run away the minute things started getting hard."