"We should be near the highway soon," Laura said, withdrawing her hand as she neared the entrance ramp to the highway. "Do you feel up to a late movie on TV?"
Crystal stared out into the darkness of the night. "Yeah, sounds good," she said without any enthusiasm.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
Crystal stared out the window for several moments before speaking. "I just don't get it," she said. "How the hell can she just forget what happened?" The emotions continued to churn within her, bubbling closer and closer to the surface. Crossing her arms over her chest, she balled her hands into tight fists. "How can she stand to be around that woman? Let her near the kids?" She jerked in her seat, slamming her foot down hard on the floorboard. "Do you know what she said to me? She told me it was time to let go of the past and move on. Can you believe that? Forgive that bitch?" She shook her head firmly. "No way. Not after all the shit I was put through. If Patty wants to forgive her, fine. I'm not." "You don't have to," Laura said. "If it's too much for you to see her, make arrangements with Patty to come over to our home instead." Laura's hand returned to Crystal's thigh. "Do whatever you need to do to be happy."
Feeling the anger ebb, Crystal laced her fingers with Laura's and brought them to her lips. "Thanks for going with me tonight," she said, kissing the writer's knuckles. She smiled when she felt their joined hands being pulled over to Laura's lips. Looking around, Crystal recognized the stretch of highway they were on. "If you take the next exit and turn right at the light, there's a park about a quarter mile or so down the road. Feel like taking a moonlit walk?"
"Are you sure that's safe?" Laura asked even as she turned on the directional signal and moved into the right hand lane. "The walking path is fairly well lit and the cops patrol the place pretty frequently," Crystal said. "We'll be fine. Come on, it's a beautiful night."
Fallen leaves crackled beneath their feet as they walked side by side along the windy cobblestone path. There were relatively few people out despite the mild temperatures, allowing Crystal the privacy she was hoping for. Laura gave only a token protest before slipping her arm around Crystal's back, agreeing that the dried out leaves would alert them if anyone approached. The walkway curled around the duck pond where there were fewer lights, taking the couple into near darkness and fueling Crystal's newfound romantic streak. "Come here," she said, tugging Laura off the path.
"This isn't safe," Laura warned before Crystal's mouth covered hers.
"Safe enough," she answered between kisses. "Even if someone did walk by, they wouldn't see us back here." Pressing Laura between her and the tree trunk, Crystal enjoyed the feel of arms holding her gently while the sounds of the residents of the duck pond gave life to the night. "I like this," she admitted, squeezing her arms around Laura's waist. She buried her head into the writer's neck, inhaling the scent of pine from the nearby tree along with Laura's own natural scent. "Somehow even being together in the car wasn't enough." She sighed when Laura's grip tightened, pulling her even closer. "I guess I just needed to be held, that's all."
"Well then it's a good thing I love holding you, isn't it?" Laura whispered in her ear. "In fact, the offer is good for the rest of the night if you're interested."
"Are you going to fold my clothes again?" she teased lightly.
"That depends," Laura said. "On whether you take them off or not."
Crystal stopped her nuzzling of Laura's neck and straightened up, though she maintained her hold around her lover's body. "What if I wanted to sleep with you but I didn't feel up to doing anything more?" she asked.
"Then I would curl up around you and hold you until morning if that's what you wanted," Laura said, reaching up and cupping Crystal's cheeks. Crystal smiled and brushed her lips over Laura's. "Why are you so good to me?" she asked, enjoying the warmth of the writer's fingers on her face. "Because," Laura said, her fingers now tracing Crystal's jaw line. "I love you."
Closing her eyes, Crystal let the words wash over her, wanting to believe them with every fiber of her being. "I
I never" Her voice catching in her throat, she had to swallow and start again. "I never believed anyone would ever love me, not if they really knew the truth about me." Feeling Laura's hands moving down to her hips, she brought her own up to wrap around the writer's neck. "And you know." "Yes, I know," Laura said softly. "I know that you can't get the newspaper back in order after you've looked through it. I know you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle and you're allergic to putting the toilet paper on the roll. I know your clutter drives me nuts and I know that I do love you."
"Despite all that, huh?" Crystal croaked, fighting the sting in her eyes.
"Maybe because of it," the writer whispered. "They say opposites attract."
"Can't get much more opposite than us."
"No, not much," Laura agreed.
"I love you too," Crystal said in a rush, afraid the words would somehow get stuck if she went any slower. "It has to be love. I never felt like this before." Bringing back her left hand, Crystal rested her forefinger on Laura's lower lip. "I've never liked kissing anyone before but" Unable to resist, she leaned forward and flicked her tongue over the soft mouth. "God, you're a good kisser."
"Mm, so are you," Laura murmured.
Crystal felt the bark scraping against her knuckles and knew it had to be uncomfortable for Laura's back but every time she tried to pull back she found herself held tighter. The turmoil of the evening slipped away, replaced by the surety that no harm would come to her within these loving arms. "What were we talking about?" she asked dazedly when their lips finally parted.
"You were telling me you loved me," Laura said, her hands keeping Crystal firmly secured against her. "And I was telling you that I love you. Nothing else matters, not tonight."
And after one last kiss in the darkness, the couple returned to the path and leisurely made their way back to the parking lot. While her reunion with her family had created a whirlwind of emotions, walking arm in arm with Laura on a moonlit night gave Crystal the anchor she needed to weather the storm.
"So what's going on?" Jenny asked as she closed the door. "It's not like you to ask for a short notice appointment."
"It was a hell of a weekend, Doc," Crystal said as she slumped onto the bean bag. "I saw Patty."
"You sister? How did that happen?"
Crystal briefly went over the details, carefully omitting any mention of her intimate relationship with Laura. She talked about her newfound niece and nephew, how she could still make out the Patty she knew from over a decade before in her sister's adult face, and a dozen other details that stood out vividly in her mind. When she finished, she looked over to see Jenny busily scribbling down notes. "Trying to keep the names straight, Doc?"
"Oh, I know who's who," Jenny replied. "There were just a couple of things I wanted to go back and touch on."
"Such as?" Crystal drawled, crossing her arms defiantly and knowing full well what her therapist was going to pounce on. "How did it feel to see your mother again?"
"How do you think it felt?" Crystal said, the muscles in her jaw tightening. "I couldn't believe I was just standing there in the store and there she was like some warped nightmare or something, acting all sad and missing me and stuff."
"You don't think she missed you?"
Shrugging her shoulders, Crystal looked off at nothingness. "Doubt it. Why should she? She didn't pay attention to me when I was there." She began wiggling her foot back and forth. "You should have seen the way she was acting, all nice-nice, making dinner for the kids and all."
"Does it bother you that your mother is doing things for her grandchildren that she didn't do for her own children?" Jenny asked. "It's all an act," Crystal said angrily, the tempo of her foot increasing. "Just like when she looked at me before going into her room." "How did she look at you?"
"Like she was all sorry and hurt that I wouldn't talk to her," she said. "Let Patty forgive her, I'm not." Feeling too much energy to stay put, Crystal stood up and walked over to the window. "I don't know how she does it. I can't stand to be in the same room with the woman much less live with her." Her fingers gripped the wooden frame of the window. "After all the things our mother did to us, let happen to us. How the hell can Patty do that?"
"Did you ask her?" Jenny asked.
"Yeah, yeah, of course I asked her. She said our mother has changed, that she's not the useless drunk she was. I guess I'm supposed to feel sorry for her now that she's all crippled up with arthritis or whatever the hell is wrong with her." Turning her head, Crystal focused on the long punching bag near the far wall. "So many nights so many times I wished for her to come in and protect me, to stand up to him for her kids, to do something, anything to show me she loved me. Why wouldn't she?" Her anger needing an outlet, she stormed across the room and swung a hard left at the bag. "Why? What the hell was so wrong with me that she couldn't do that simple little thing?" The punching bag swung under another emotion-filled blow. "And she thinks I'm going to forgive her?" Thud. "Just because she wants me to?" Thud. "Because Patty wants me to?" Thud. "No." Thud. "I don't have to." Thud. "I won't." Thud. "I won't." Thud. "They can't make me." Thud. "I'm an adult." Thud. "If Patty wants to live with her and pretend everything is perfect, fine. I don't care." Thud. "She doesn't know what it was like after she left." Her knuckles sore from the repeated poundings on the bag, Crystal flopped down on the padded mat and drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly as she watched Jenny move closer, the therapist now sitting only a few feet away on the mat. "She doesn't know," she repeated. The fight was slowly draining from Crystal's body and with it the harsh tone to her words. "She wasn't there to protect me from him anymore. That left only our mother and she didn't lift a finger to help me so why should I do anything to help her? Let her live the rest of her life knowing her daughter hates her, I don't care."
"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference," Jenny said. "She's your mother, Crystal. She's the one who was supposed to love and protect you and what you're feeling is the pain of not having that. We've talked about this before."
"Yeah, many times, Doc. I know," Crystal said. "But it's one thing to not see her, to not know where she is or what's happened to her and it's another to know she's living with Patty and making the family we never had." Bowing her head, Crystal took a deep breath. "It's like all it took was me leaving to make everything better for them or something. The bastard has a heart attack, Patty comes back home, and then my mother decides it's time to stop being a drunk." Shaking her head, she squeezed her eyes tight and took a deep breath. "When I needed her to be my mother, she couldn't. Now that she wants to be, I don't need her or want her."
"And what is your anger at your sister about?" Jenny asked, causing Crystal to jerk her head up.
"Mad? At Patty? No way, Doc. Weren't you listening? I hate my mother, not my sister." Releasing her knees, Crystal folded her arms over her chest, using the wall to support her back.
"I didn't say hate," Jenny said. "I said mad. It's obvious you're angry at Patty."
"And why would I be mad at the sister I've been trying to find for over a decade?" Crystal said, standing up and putting some distance between her and the therapist. "You know how many times I thought she must be dead? All this time she's just been a local call away, living with our mother." Standing behind the recliner, Crystal gripped the soft leather cushion. "All this time she's been living the life we should have had. She's got the good job, two beautiful healthy kids and a nice place to live. I'm the one that struggles to get through the day without getting drunk off my ass, the one that used to take her clothes off to earn money." She snorted and gestured at Jenny. "Hell, I'm the one that needs to see a therapist because I'm so fucked up. And me? I go and pick the one therapist that can't talk to me about one of the things I need to talk about the most." She shook her head. "Could I make my life any more complicated?"
"Crystal, you knew going into this that we couldn't talk about Laura," Jenny said, rising from the mat and crossing over to the couch. "But I didn't know how I was going to feel about her," Crystal said. "I didn't know then that we'd" She caught the look of first surprise, then disbelief in Jenny's eyes as the therapist figured it out for herself. "I didn't know that I'd end up loving her," she said quietly, wincing inside at the pained look on the other woman's face.
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