J. Cooper - Everlasting Sin

“I’m not leaving.” She shook her head and stared at me. “You can’t make me.”

“You guys know each other?” Channing looked back and forth at us and then smiled an evil little smile. “That makes sense of course. It makes perfect sense.”

“I don’t know him.” Riley looked at me for a second and shook her head. I felt empty at her words.

“Riley, I’m...” I stopped and looked away from her. I didn’t know how to say the words.

I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, but that would mean I’d have to acknowledge everything that had happened. I didn’t want to even think about it. I was scared that if I went back down that road, old feelings would resurface. Feelings that I’d kept under wraps for the last four years. Riley was someone who couldn’t be in my life anymore. Not now that I had other responsibilities. I owed it to Clara.

“So, Riley, we’re all going to a camping trip next weekend because Nick wants us to bond. I was hoping you could come. What do you think?” Channing’s voice was smooth as he invited Riley on the trip, and I held my breath, hoping she would say no. She had to say no.

“That sounds good. Thank you.” Her voice was sweet and innocent, and I saw her quickly glance at me to see my reaction.

I ignored her stare and looked at Channing. He was pushing his tongue in and out, and I grabbed Riley by the arm and pulled her out of the room with me.

“What are you doing?” she cried out in surprise, but I ignored her and pulled her into the parking lot with me.

“What are you playing at, Riley?” I growled down at her, staring into her wide brown eyes.

“I’m not playing at anything.” She shook her head and paused. “I’m surprised you know me now though.”

“What?” I frowned as she trembled in my arms.

“You ignored me the other day.” She took a deep breath, and I could see tears in her eyes.

“Don’t cry, Riley.” I felt my heart breaking as I stared at her, and I pushed all the doubts out of my mind and leaned down to kiss her.

I couldn’t stop myself from tasting her lips again. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was going to pay, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to hold her in my arms again, if only to remember everything I had lost due to my sinful ways.

Riley

Present Day

The world has ended. That’s all I could think as Hudson kissed me. I was confused to feel his lips on mine. It was something I had never expected to feel again. There was nothing gentle about his embrace as his lips crushed down on mine.

“What are you doing?” I reluctantly pulled away from him. “What’s going on, Hudson?”

“I told you that you need to leave.”

“So you know me now?” I gazed into his eyes, and he took a step back and looked away.

“I’m sorry about the other day.” He sighed.

“Why were you fighting Channing?”

“That’s why I’m here, right? To fight.”

“That looked like a real fight.”

“They are all real. This isn’t fake fighting.”

“I know it’s not fake, but that didn’t look like you were fighting for the championship.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Of course not.” I rolled my eyes, hurt at his words.

“Why are you here, Riley?”

“I’m writing an article.”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why? Because I’m a girl?”

“This is not the place for someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” I could feel the tears building up in my eyes again. I didn’t understand why he was being like this.

Where had my Hudson gone? This man in front of me was hateful and cold—something I’d never expected from him.

“Please don’t cry.” He stared at me with pained eyes and pulled me towards him. “I can’t stand it when you cry, Riley.”

“I’m not crying.” I shook my head and turned my face away from him. I felt his fingers on my cheeks wiping away my tears. “Don’t.” I looked at him angrily. “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head as his fingers moved to my lips, tracking them gently. “I’m sorry.” He bent down again and kissed me.

This time, his lips were soft and searching. He kissed me as if he were looking for something, and I kissed him back urgently. My hands found their way to his head and my fingers played with his hair as his tongue entered my mouth. I sucked on it eagerly, as if our deepening kiss would somehow fix everything. I felt his hands on my back, then on my stomach. His fingers caressed me. His touch made me feel alive.

Then his fingers made their way up to my breasts. At first, he was timid, but then it was as if something in him had snapped. His fingers squeezed my breasts eagerly and roughly as his tongue wrestled with mine. I could feel his breathing grow heavier. My own heart was beating fast, and I pressed myself against him. This was what I had been missing. This was what felt so right. This was where I belonged.

“No,” he gasped as my fingers ran down his chest and he pulled away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want this to happen. This can’t happen again, Riley.”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down, ashamed of myself.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t hate me, Hudson.” I looked into his eyes, trying to convey all of my emotions in one glance. “I’m sorry about what happened.” It was the first time I had told him sorry, and I felt as if I were in that moment once again.

“It’s not your fault. I’m the sinner, Riley. I’m the one who has to pay.” His eyes looked at me bleakly.

I could feel the pain running through his veins. I could see the guilt. I recognized the sleepless nights in the bags under his eyes, and I sensed the hopelessness in his voice. It was the same pain and hopelessness I felt. It was the same guilt I experienced every night when I went to bed. Only I was the one to blame.

“It wasn’t your fault, Hudson.” I reached out to him, but he shook his head.

“I’m sorry. Please just go. Riley. Please. I can’t do this. I don’t want to see you.” He looked away from me, and I wanted to scream at him. How could he sound and look so casual as he ripped my heart out of my body?

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, needing him to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Riley. I don’t know what you expected.” He glanced at me and looked away. “It’s been four years. We shouldn’t have seen each other again. I thought we’d never see each other again. I’m not a good man.” He stared at me then. I could see that his eyes were devoid of emotion. It was if he had lost a part of himself.

I watched him walk back into the gym and stood there for a few minutes, deciding what to do. I wanted to go back in, but I knew it was too soon. I wasn’t going to let him run me out again. The next time I went back to the gym, I was going to be in full control of my emotions.

It was obvious to me that Hudson hadn’t forgiven himself for that night, and that killed me. I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted him to know my part, but I was scared that he would hate me more than he already did. I decided to go home and study instead. I needed to think about something other than Hudson. It was clear to me that we were never going to get back to that place.

* * *

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about Hudson and the kiss. I hugged my pillow and tried not to scream as I daydreamed about him, my textbook on the bed next to me.

“Hey, what are you doing home?” Eden walked into my room with a surprised face.

“Needed to study.”

“I thought you were going to interview some of the guys. Don’t tell me that they figured out you have no clue already.”

“Very funny.” I laughed. “And they know I’m not an expert.”

“You told them?” She sat down on the bed next to me. “Tell me. Are there any hotties?”

“Hotties?”

“The guys! Any potential de-virginizers?” She giggled, and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. Well, there is one guy, Justin. He seems nice, but who knows.”

“Ooh, Justin. I like the name. Is he a surfer?”

“Not a surfer.” I shook my head and she sighed.

“Of course not.” She lay back on my bed next to me. “Where did all the surfers go?”

“Hawaii?”

“Funny.” She giggled. “So tell me more. Why are these guys doing this? Aren’t they risking their lives?”

“I don’t know. Money, I guess.” I bit my lower lip and sat up. “I saw Hudson.”

“What?” Her eyes widened. “My brother, Hudson?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Weird.” She stared at me. “Where did you see him?”

“At the gym.”

“Oh?”

“He’s trying to enter the competition.”

“The fight?” She sat up then. “No shit.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He seemed pretty intense.”

“Yeah.” She sighed and leaned against the wall. “I guess he never really got over Clara.”

“Yeah.” I looked away, feeling bad.

“I spoke to Luke the other day,” she said slowly. “He said Clara’s mom is doing really badly. Like she might get evicted.”

My eyes widened. “Oh no.”

“I bet he wants to give her the money,” she continued. “What’s the prize again? A hundred grand?”

“A million dollars.”

Her jaw dropped. “Holy shit. That’s a lot of money.”

“Yeah.” I nodded and then peeked at her. “He looked like he was really down, Eden.”

“Oh, he’s always like that these days.” She shrugged.

“Do you ever think about that summer?” I asked her softly, not wanting to bring it up but needing to talk about it.

“Sometimes.” She nodded and sighed. “But honestly, I try not to.”

“I always think about that last night,” I continued. “If we had done something differently, what would have happened?”

“Yeah. If I hadn’t gone on that horrible date.” She made a face.

“Yeah, or if Hudson and I hadn’t gone out and left Clara at home.”

“We couldn’t have known, Riley.” Eden grabbed her hands. “We were only in high school.”

“But we knew she’d been drinking,” I continued, not able to stop.

“We thought she was sleeping.” Eden’s voice rose. “I’m sorry, but she was selfish. She had no business going to the bar by herself. Especially when she was already drunk.”

“Alcohol makes it so you can’t think properly.”

“She was an alcoholic. She did this to herself.” Eden grabbed her hands. “I know you’re sensitive, Riley, but her death wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t Hudson’s either.”

“I know.” I looked down, unseeing and barely able to breathe. I was taken back to that night, and all I could think about was lying naked in his arms, kissing him, touching him, loving the feel of him next to me.

It had been so sweet, so so sweet. Yet it had ended in tears. We’d stayed out all night and we’d gone back home in the early hours of the morning. Everything had fallen apart as soon as we saw the cop cars in front of the house. It was as if we both knew before we’d even been told. I could remember that night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

“Oh, Hudson!” Eden had run out of the house and into his arms. Her face was red with tears and she didn’t even notice how we stepped apart quickly. She didn’t notice that I was wearing his shirt. She didn’t notice that our bodies were glowing. She didn’t notice that Hudson and I had made love all night under the stars. She didn’t notice because none of that mattered. Not after the tragedy that had occurred. “What’s wrong?” Hudson had asked the words but I think we both knew.

“It’s Clara,” she whispered. “She’s dead.”

“Riley, are you okay?” I felt Eden shaking my shoulder, and I looked up at her unblinking.

“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”

“Are you thinking about it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed. “I was thinking about it.”

“She was driving drunk. She was irresponsible.” Eden grabbed my shoulders. “Look at me, Riley. This wasn’t our fault. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have driven drunk.”

“I know.” I felt sick to my stomach and rolled away from her. “Do you think I can be by myself right now?” I whispered. “I don’t feel well.”

“Okay.” Eden stood up, and I listened to her as she walked to the door. “You can’t blame yourself, Riley. You didn’t know.”

I lay there for about thirty minutes, staring at the wall blankly. My brain was void of thoughts and my heart was void of emotion as I thought back to that night again.