So I went with Mum and I got the pill.

I’d been on it ever since, even though until Marco there had never been any real use for it.

By the time I turned nineteen I’d gotten through the worst of it, and standing on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back to them, was my family.

And I did.

They knew I would.

Waiting at the head of that line was Cole. He was the only positive thing to come out of it all. Since the moment I’d collapsed in his arms, a bond had formed between us, gradually growing until we counted each other as best friends. He had always been there in those dark days to assure everyone else that I was still in there and that day by day I was making my way back to them.

Eventually I moved on.

I tried to let it all go.

Until Marco. He came crashing back into my life. No one but my dad knew he was the one who had got me pregnant and left me. I felt all alone again. I couldn’t talk to my dad about it. That was too weird, too uncomfortable, and so it brought everything back.

I tried to fight through the hurt and disappointment to reach for rational thought. Marco hadn’t known I was pregnant. If he’d known it would have been a different story. I was sure of that. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was mine.

Okay, if he hadn’t left me I would have had him by my side when I needed him. Maybe the days wouldn’t have been so dark. However, he’d explained why he left. And Cole had been right. I might not like it, but his explanation was a good one.

I forgave him.

My fingernails dug into my knees.

But to know now that he’d not only returned to Edinburgh without looking me up, but that he’d returned and gotten some other girl pregnant and been there for her… It was devastating.

All that pain was back full force again.

It didn’t matter if it wasn’t rational. I felt it. I felt it scoring my insides.

The hardest thing I’d ever been through and he wasn’t there for me.

But he’d been there for Leah.

I knew I shouldn’t have let him back in.

I couldn’t forgive him this.

CHAPTER 19

“The turkey looks burnt.” Dec made a face at the dead bird as he approached the dinner table.

Mum had gone all out¸ just as she did every year, and the table looked beautiful.

The turkey did not at all look burnt.

“What?” Mum squawked as she hurried into the room, carrying a bowl of potatoes. Her eyes flew to the bird in panic.

I shot my brother a dirty look, ready to reprimand him for teasing Mum when she was anxious, but Dad beat me to it.

“Declan, stop being an idiot and go help your mum get the rest of the food through from the kitchen.”

Dec grunted at the order but didn’t argue with it.

As soon as he was out the door, I made a face at my dad as I rounded the table to take a seat next to Ellie. “Do you think he’ll be passing that irritating stage of teenage idiocy anytime soon? He is eighteen – shouldn’t he be over it by now?”

“I heard that!” Dec shouted from the hallway.

I bugged my eyes out at Ellie as she giggled. “Ears of an owl.”

“An owl?” Joss smiled, amused, as she helped Beth, Luke, and William settle at the kiddie table.

“Yes,” I said. “I do believe they have the sharpest hearing in the world.”

“I do believe you know a whole lot of crap that no one cares about,” Dec said as he returned to the room with a bowl of steamed vegetables.

“Ha.” I greeted him with a grimace. “I do believe I know whose Christmas vouchers are getting canceled if he doesn’t stop being an irritating d-i-c-k.”

“Ah.” Adam sighed contentedly, sitting on Ellie’s other side. “Now it feels like Christmas.”

Ellie giggled into her glass of water.

Mum glared at us both as she set down the last bowl of food and slipped into her seat at the head of the table across from Dad. “Both of you zip it and eat.”

“She’s the one that started it earlier on,” Dec huffed, sitting down next to Braden. “She’s been on my back since she got here. I don’t understand why she stayed the night when she has her own place. And it’s not my fault she’s in a shitty mood because she got dumped.”

I sucked in my breath and everyone with the exception of Braden and Dec tensed. Braden’s reaction was to smack Dec lightly across the back of the head. “One, don’t swear in front of the kids. Two, she didn’t get dumped, she did the dumping. And three, you’re eighteen. Grow up and stop being a pain in the a-r-s-e to your sister. Apologize.”

I was too busy avidly staring at my empty plate to see Dec’s reaction to that. I was attempting to regain control of my breathing after my brother’s words had winded me.

All day I’d been doing my best to forget.

The last few weeks had not been easy, to say the least. I’d had to explain to everyone that Marco and I had broken up, but of course I couldn’t explain why. I didn’t get into it, and I tried my best to appear as unaffected as possible. However, no matter what I said they were all convinced that I was the devastated party in the breakup.

“I’m not devastated,” I’d lied to them on more than one occasion. “We were barely together two months.”

Yet the truth was I missed him so much I was in pain. All the time.

I was completely at war with myself.

In the mornings I would wake up alone but I would feel the press of his warm body against mine like a phantom in the room. I’d remember Marco was out of my life and that warmth would disappear and I was left alone in my flat. My flat that had once been home and now just felt empty and cold.

Like its owner.

When missing him became too much, I’d reach for the phone, and just as I was about to dial his number, I’d remember. How much it hurt. Why it hurt. And why we were no longer together.

Of course it made things easier that Marco didn’t call or come around. I’d packed up the things he’d left at my place and had Nish return them to him. She did it for him. Not for me. Nish and I weren’t really speaking to each other, which made for a very wintry atmosphere in the staff room. I discovered she’d known all along that Marco had a son. He’d asked her to stay quiet on the subject until he had the chance to tell me. Nish was equally pissed off with me for reacting to the news the way I had. She was under the impression I was a selfish, coldhearted bitch.

Nish and Marco could think what they liked, as long as I had space to lick my old wounds and try to make sense of everything.

Being around family helped. I’d stayed with my parents on Christmas Eve and I intended to stay with them right through until the day after Boxing Day. Although Liv, Nate, Jo, Cam, and Cole were celebrating Christmas with their own families, my parents’ house still felt full, it still felt warm, and it felt safe.

I was doing my best to hide my heartbreak so I wouldn’t spoil the mood, and I’d been doing a pretty decent job of it until my little brother decided to be a little shit.

“Hannah.”

I looked up at Dec and saw the remorse in his expression.

“Sorry,” he muttered guiltily.

“Don’t even worry about it,” I replied quietly, and then flashed everyone my best faux smile. “I’m starving. Let’s eat the crap out of this turkey.”

Thankfully the atmosphere at the table lightened and we were able to enjoy a great Christmas dinner together.

Earlier that morning Mum, Dad, Dec, and I had opened our presents, but Ellie, Adam, Braden, Joss, and the kids had yet to open theirs from us, and we hadn’t opened ours from them. After dinner, I hurried upstairs to my old room, where I had a Santa’s sack with all their presents in it. I was just going through it to make sure everything was there when my phone rang in my pocket.

Thinking it was probably Jo or Cole, I answered it without even looking at the screen.

“Merry Christmas.” Suzanne’s greeting surprised me. “I thought I better call since it seems you’ve lost my number.”

Just like that, all my pretense at happy Christmas spirit fled out the nearby window and instantly frosted over in the December air. “I didn’t lose your number,” I told her flatly. “I just don’t want to talk to you.”

She gave me a loud, dramatic huff. “Because I sent that picture? That was for your own good. I was being a friend.”

I shook my head at her bullshit, catching my look of incredulity in the mirror in front of me. “No. You were being a bitch because you don’t know how to be anything else. You didn’t send that photo because you were looking out for me, you sent that photo because you were pissed off and wanted me to be pissed off too. You’re spoiled and you’re spiteful. Not to mention inconsiderate. I should have broken off our friendship ages ago, as soon as I realized that you aren’t capable of thinking about anyone but yourself. Don’t bother calling me again. Ever.” I hung up before she could respond and instantly deleted her number.

The fact that I felt relieved more than anything else told me I was doing the right thing.

“What was that about?”

I spun around. “Adam?”

He stepped into the room, scrutinizing me. “Well?” He gave a nod toward my phone.

I slipped it into my pocket. “It was nothing.”

Adam scowled at my reply. “Did Marco cheat on you?”

“What?” I stared at him in surprise. “Why on earth would you think that? No. He didn’t cheat on me. I told you, I just didn’t want to be with him anymore.”

“Well, none of us believe that.”

I heaved a beleaguered sigh, wishing my family didn’t pay such bloody close attention. “Look, if he’d done something awful to me, I’d tell you in a heartbeat so you could go and kick his arse. But he didn’t. I promise.”

It was Adam’s turn to sigh. “Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you, Hannah. Els is worried.”

I opened my mouth to reassure him, but there was a commotion downstairs —

“Adam!” Dec bellowed up the stairs. “The baby’s coming!”

“I don’t recognize any of these people.” I wrapped my arm around Cole’s shoulders and leaned into him as I looked around the room.

“That’s because you’ve had five beers.”

“Yet my cognitive functions appear to be in working order, so it’s not that.”

He glanced at me, a small smile playing on his lips. “And you used the phrase ‘cognitive functions.’ Okay.” He gazed back around the room. “So I guess I don’t recognize some of these people. But most of them are from uni.”

“Hmm. Should we mingle?”

“Aye.” I felt his concerned gaze on me. “You ready for that?”

“You’re the one that’s forcing me to celebrate New Year’s, so I think you already think I am.”

“Jesus Christ, leave it to you to be smart when you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk. I’m buzzed.” I spotted a bottle of tequila. “But I know a way to get drunk.”

Following my gaze, Cole’s nodded. “I’ll get the salt and the lime.” He walked off toward to the kitchen, smiling and nodding hello to people.

As soon as he was gone, I instantly felt despondent. I hated that I felt despondent. This was supposed to be a happy time. Ellie had given birth to another little boy in the early morning of Boxing Day. She and Adam had named him Braden after his uncle, although we’d all already started calling him Bray. While William was fair like his mum, Bray was already dark like his dad. Only time would tell if he’d remain that way.

We were all gaga over Bray, even the kids. Now we were just waiting on Jo, who was due this week.

I tried not to let their pregnancies or the pregnancies that had come before theirs bother me. Never would I resent a family member’s or friend’s happiness. However, each new baby was a reminder that I would never have one of my own. So I took joy in being a favorite aunt.

I took no joy in the fact that missing Marco hadn’t gone away. In fact it had only gotten worse.

“Screw the salt and lime,” I whispered, and headed over to the tequila.

With Cole’s help and the help of people who were introduced to me but whose names I quickly forgot, I got drunk to the point where I was happy but I could still control which foot went in front of the other. By the time midnight approached, a cute guy around Cole’s age was chatting me up. He was flirty and kept touching my waist and bending close to hear what I had to say, and for a little while, at least on a superficial level, I could forget there was a Marco.