Marion Croslydon - Fast Forward

“That’s a good idea.”

There he was again, perusing the glass display cabinet with its mountains of cakes.

“Well done, Cass.”

She kept staring at our boy while doing her hair twisting thing. “I never want him to forget about Jenna. Never. She raised him so well. It’s a tough act to follow.”

There was a question I’d wanted to ask but hadn’t yet dared. “What kind of guy was Chris?”

Her attention faded away from me to turn to the visitors on the other side of the glass window. “The first time I met him, he made me think of you. I mean, of how I expected you to be ten years down the line. It was before you went to Georgetown and Europe, and before the job you have now.”

She was now observing me and I hoped she wasn’t too disappointed about how I’d turned out.

“He was a quarterback in high school. I liked the idea of our son being taught football early on. He was also goofy and funny. Always telling jokes.”

“So, not like me then.”

“Come on, you can be funny… sometimes.” She flashed me the brightest smile and its warmth seeped deep inside me. “But the reason I chose them as Lucas’s parents was the way he and Jenna completed each other. They were polar opposites in many ways, but you couldn’t really imagine one without the other. They’d known each other since they were kids, so I guess that helped.”

I leaned forward so that I could ask the next question in a quieter voice. “And do you think we complete each other?”

Her eyebrow arched as if I’d startled her. “I hope we’re getting there.”

I slid my hands across the table to cover hers. Her skin was cold under mine, and I intertwined my fingers with hers. “You make me complete. You always have.” Being back with her had made me realize how much I’d lied to myself since the moment I let her go, back in high school. “Without you, I have no spark. Without you, I’m just a shell.”

“Sometimes, Champ, you come up with the lamest lines.” Her mouth cracked into a smile and she dropped a kiss on the back of my hand. “I didn’t expect anything, Josh, but you should be proud of the man you’ve become, for sure.” Her eyes became blurred and there was a wobble in her voice. “I am proud of you, proud you’re Lucas’s dad, and he’ll be too. Soon.”

“Can I have some cheesecake? There aren’t any chunks in it.” Speak of the devil.

I struggled to break away from Cassie but she was quicker to react. “Cheesecake is fine. Should we order some hot chocolate? I’m still freezing.”

“Yeah!”

And we had some hot, creamy chocolate. I even had mine with marshmallows in, which I hadn’t had since I was a kid. I spared one or two chunks for Lucas and gave them to him while Cassie was in the restroom. I didn’t feel too guilty about that because of the sparks of delight the marshmallows ignited in his eyes. His brown eyes that were so much like mine.

We stayed inside the coffee shop for a while, protected from the freezing wind that blew in from the Potomac. We had to rush out after I checked the time. Our trip back to D.C. was booked at four and we had ten minutes to make it back to the bank. We ran, holding Josh by the hands between us, making him hop every three steps. We made it inside the shelter, giggling and out of breath. However, the Spirit of Mount Vernon wasn’t quite ready to go. Something was up with its engine.

Lucas’s disappointment was evident in his drooping shoulders.

“Cheer up. I’m sure they’ll get it fixed in no time.” Cassie ruffled his brown hair, then proceeded to help him blow his runny nose.

Lucas kept staring through the glass window of the building into the dark waters of the Potomac. His hands rested flat against the window and his nose was glued to it. Cassie pulled him slightly away and he let her do so without taking his gaze away from the boat. There was another family waiting next to us, with one child still in a stroller, but who wanted out and was going crazy because he couldn’t.

A radio was playing in the background and the music, mixed with the child’s screams, made talking almost impossible. Cassie sat next to me, her hair a mess after our run in the wind, and I breathed in the scent of the cold air mixed with her shampoo. I bent toward her and rested my nose in the hollow of her neck. I kissed her there and my lips then followed her jawline to find her mouth.

The touch was electric and she tensed up against me. “We’re not alone.”

“Lucas has his back turned,” I mumbled while focusing my attention back on her neck. “And these guys are too busy keeping their offspring from having a full-blown breakdown.”

“Mmmm,” she purred.

My hand slid along the nape of her neck, my fingers combing her hair, and I pulled her tighter against me, while my other hand caressed her thigh. This was as far I could go in a public place with our son a few yards away.

And then a new song started playing. A melody I knew by heart because I’d heard Cassie humming it constantly for the last months.

The second time around

It’s the same sweet sound

Just more of you, more of me

To finally be free

She straightened up. Her hand flew to cover mine that lay on her thigh.

“Oh my God!” she whispered. “Oh my God!”

I broke the kiss and focused on the song despite the screams of the child.

“Well, I’ll be damned!”

“I can’t believe it. Shawn made it.” Cassie’s baby blue eyes rounded in surprise and I burst out laughing. I stopped when I noticed her chin was quivering.

My hands cradled her face and I lowered my forehead against hers. “You made it. Those are your words. This is your sound.”

“This is our song.”

A fat tear rolled down her cheeks and I kissed it.

“Why are you crying, Cassie?” Lucas stepped closer to us. His face was frozen in a worried look.

Cassie separated herself from me and swiveled round on the bench to face Lucas. She sniffed and extended her arm toward him. “I’m not sad, baby. I had a really nice surprise and I can’t keep the happiness inside.”

Lucas nodded, but his frown told me he wasn’t convinced.

“Come here.” Cassie drew him closer so that he nestled against her body.

The tips of his chubby fingers brushed the line that the tear had traced down her cheek. “I don’t want you to cry.”

“I’m sorry, Lucas. It’s just that the song playing on the radio… well, it’s a song I wrote.”

Lucas’s gaze rose to the ceiling as if the sound was coming from there. It required an effort to hear anything because of the wailing baby. Still, I noticed that his little feet started to tap in time with the rhythm and his shoulders began to sway. Cassie and I exchanged glances. It took a lot of effort to hide our smiles.

He started some weird wriggling and off-tune humming. His shoulders and his hips were so not in sync, that if I’d ever had any doubts he was my son, they’d just been extinguished. Lucas offered his hand to Cassie. At first she stared at it as if she had no idea what to do with it. She looked at me, then at Lucas, and with the slightest smile, she took his hand and stood.

The song was in the middle of an instrumental section. Lucas attempted to mimic the drumming by bashing his arms in the air. When he was finished with the performance, Cassie grabbed his hand again and danced with him, making him swirl around.

She motioned for me to join them again. I shook by head and mouthed a silent ‘No way.’ But it was a battle I’d already lost and I was reluctantly dragged into making a fool of myself. Even the wailing baby finally shut his mouth in shock.

I blocked out everything that was not the three of us and the song. Happiness engulfed the three of us. It was like reaching a shore after a long journey. It was like being a family at last.

Cassie

It took me twelve hours to give birth to Lucas. I ended up on the operating table having a C-section. Back then I’d been wrecked. That had been nothing compared to today’s round-trip to Mount Vernon.

I wasn’t wrecked. I was totally exhausted. Out for the count.

I was also so freakin’ happy my heart was beating as fast as if I’d run the New York Marathon on speed.

“Cassie, can I have some fries?”

What next? Marshmallows with his chocolate? I’d spent the last months studying every book I could get my hands on, from Screamfree Parenting to Duct Tape Parenting, and the scary-sounding Raising Kids for True Greatness. I’d taken notes, asked our caseworker a truckload of questions and taken even more notes. Along the way, I’d also devoured Real Food for Healthy Kids. I had even made recipe cards based on it and filed them in a brand new folder labeled ‘LUCAS’ GOOD FOOD.’

I stared away from the pan where the chicken breast was frying in omega-loaded vegetable oil. Lucas sat at the wooden table we’d bought in a second-hand shop. A lick of paint had given it a new lease of life. I’d put a lot of work into the apartment but it was all worthwhile. From the new curtains to the glossy white of the walls, we now had a home.

“Maybe not, Champ. As if the cheesecake and the hot chocolate weren’t enough for one day.”

“But it’s Thanksgiving.” He gave me that pout he must have practiced in front of the mirror fifty times a day.

I reduced the flame on the burner and went to sit beside Lucas. He was drawing houses and planes and cars… all on the same piece of paper. It was getting crowded.

“Technically, Thanksgiving was yesterday,” Josh said. He’d made it out of the shower and he shook his wet hair as if he was staring in a shampoo ad. “That was what the turkey and the pumpkin pie were about, remember?”

“Okay.” Lucas pouted.

I felt bad for being the food police again. I wanted to be a good parent. But maybe I was trying too hard.

Josh, as he often did, read my brainwaves. He took a seat on the other side of Lucas. “We want to make you happy and enjoy your time with us, you know?” Lucas gave his signature nod. “But we also want the best for you, even if it makes us a bit boring.”

The sides of Lucas’s mouth curled. “You’re not boring.” His head did a back and forth between us. “I’d like to live with you.”

His voice said the words, but his face made it more like a question, as if he was afraid we could still say ‘no.’ But there was no way on earth—or anywhere else—that I was going to give up on my boy this time round… and he wanted to be with us.

His hand was clasped tightly around the pen. I wrapped my fingers around his so that he let go of it.

“We’ll take care of you, Lucas.” I blinked hard to keep the tears from welling up. “I promise you. No one will try harder.”

“I’ll try to be good too. I promise. I won’t be too naughty.”

I kissed his forehead and tasted the sugariness of his skin. “Just be yourself, baby, and we’ll try doing the same.”

Josh covered me with his gaze and it felt as soft as cotton. Then, out of the blue, Lucas’s arms were around my neck and he was giving me the wettest kiss ever. On both cheeks.

He sat back on his seat.

“Where did that come from?”

“You said people who love each other, they kiss each other… and I’m not going to kiss you on the mouth because that’s gross.”

“Are you saying you love me, Champ?”

“I love you. I love Josh too, but he’s a boy so I’m not going to kiss him. Not even on the cheek.”

Josh burst out laughing. “Yuk!” Lucas joined the laughter and they high-fived each other instead. The scene was like a dream. Two points on my back started to twitch. They were where my wings had started to grow. I was about to fly into the sky, carried away by happiness. Sometimes, I could be cheesier than Josh himself.

Then I crashed back to Earth, as Lucas’s face came over all serious. “What’s up?” I placed the tip of my index finger underneath his chin so that he met my eyes.

“Andrea is going to be sad.”

I really didn’t want to hear that name. “Why, baby?”

“Because she said she wanted to be my mom.”

My eyes met Josh’s. His brow was furrowed. Trisha, our caseworker back in Kansas City had warned us: for Lucas’s sake, we should never mention the adoption to him until the pre-placement visits. Apparently Andrea Loretti hadn’t bothered with that rule. I felt less sorry for her now.