Marion Croslydon - Fast Forward

To be fair, Woodie had put on weight since the last time I’d seen him. Maybe Clarissa had practiced baking her cheesecake one too many times. I walked toward her until I could see my own reflection. I was the best man today and Clarissa had decided I had to look the part. She had made—with her own hands—a bespoke tuxedo, bow tie and all, just for me. So that was what I had on.

“You look beautiful,” I said, my eyes meeting hers in the mirror. I wasn’t lying or forcing myself to be nice. She was a very pretty thing today and, with the delicate lace covering her bosom, she was a very demure thing too. “Shall we?” I extended my arm as an invitation.

There were no bridesmaids, so Woodie had put me in charge of escorting his bride from her home to the church. I swear the guy was expecting her to run away. But, as the best man, I had to indulge the groom. So I did just that. I even helped Clarissa get out of her father’s SUV without staining or creasing anything. At least, my tuxedo wasn’t getting in my way.

The ceremony was all violins, happy tears and vows of eternal love… and yet more happy tears. I stood next to Woodie, keeping my eyes on him because I couldn’t look back and meet Josh’s gaze. I just couldn’t.

I was grateful to be the official driver because I managed to go to the barn where the wedding reception was, without having to talk to him. Even there, I played at being a busy bee, making all of Clarissa’s wishes come true.

I was a coward, but Josh wasn’t going to let me get away with it.

“Beer?” He handed me a bottle of Bud. “Given how you’re dressed, I thought it was more appropriate than wine.”

The venue was packed and I recognized some familiar faces dating back to high school. I wasn’t really in a social mood, but I’d rather have dealt with that than with Josh. I took a swig of beer and enjoyed its coolness and then I had another swig because I didn’t want to talk.

“Cass, stop it.”

“Stop what?”

He fixed me with his gaze and I felt damn stupid. I stared down at the tips of the polished black boots I’d bought for the occasion. “Sorry.”

Josh didn’t say anything. He came and stood closer to me. I expected him to touch me or something. He didn’t. He simply leaned against the wall and took another sip of his beer. He stared at the crowd around us and seemed completely relaxed. I started fidgeting because, as much as I hadn’t wanted to talk to him, I hated silence. He knew that, so he kept on with this little game. The dude could be such a cool customer sometimes.

“I’ve been avoiding you,” I blurted. He gave me his signature brow-arching stare. It always made me straighten up. “I’m so sad and sick about not having Lucas with us for Christmas. I don’t know where to put all these feelings.”

Anger flashed through his eyes and he came to stand next to me. “Then share them with me. That’s what being married is about, no? I’m a grown-up man. I can deal with it. For both of us. But you never let me.”

I didn’t want to be a damsel in distress. My hand flew to his face and brushed the sharpness of his jaw. “You don’t need to shelter me.”

Josh shook his head. “You shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes or my miscalculations. I’m the reason you can’t have your son for Christmas.”

“My son?”

He frowned and I knew he hadn’t picked up on the nuance. So I continued, “Lucas is our son.”

“I know that. Listen, if it’s about what my dad said about Lucas not being mine—“

“—I know, I mean, I know you know Lucas is yours, genetically yours but…”

I wasn’t sure which words to use. It’d been there in the back of my mind since the day Josh asked for a second chance at Sweet Angel Point. That horrible question I wasn’t strong enough to ask myself or ask him.

Josh took hold of my shoulders. “Please, Cass, tell me—”

“—I’m so happy you’re here!” Clarissa sauntered between us. Curls of her flame-colored hair were now loose and, based on the unfocused look in her eyes, she was dancing around the tipsy point.

Josh stepped away from her but she didn’t notice. “It means so much to me to have you at our wedding. I feel so guilty for being such a bitch back in high school.” She took a big gulp of her sparkling wine, splashing some on her dress.

I’d not often seen Josh uncomfortable, but he was now. Well, the last time the three of us had been together, she had his dick in her mouth.

“It’s all in the past. We’re glad you make Woodie so happy.” I squeezed her hand.

“Bitching about me?” The mountain that was Woodie now had his arms around Clarissa’s tiny waist and his nose snuggled in the nape of her neck. She enjoyed having him graze on her. There was some cooing and some giggling and some kissing. Josh and I exchanged a look that didn’t last.

I gulped down half of my beer in one go, with my eyes stuck somewhere other than on Woodie, his bride, or Josh. I watched the newlyweds roll away with relief. Except that they left me alone with Josh and more questions ping-ponging inside my head than before. I pretended to pay attention to the crowd around us, giving a smile here, a wave there.

“It’s not going to go away, Cass. I want to get to the bottom of it.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to. But he gave me no option as he grabbed my hand and led me outside the barn.

“Josh, it’s fucking freezing outside.”

He didn’t answer but instead hurried me toward a smaller barn on the other side of the field. He pushed the door open and disappeared inside. I waited at the entrance until he switched on the light. I stepped in and he closed the door behind me. It was warmer there and I let my muscles relax. Not for long because I was alone with Josh. He buried his hands in his pockets. The wind tossed his hair and his bow tie was undone. I liked him better like that, not clean cut like he always was back in D.C.

“How much longer are we going to stare at each other in silence?” His voice was softer than I expected and it kind of eased me into opening up.

“I’m scared.”

He let my confession settle between us and I forced myself to hold his gaze.

“Are you going to tell me why you’re scared?”

“I’m scared you’re with me because of Lucas.” I swallowed hard. “But I’m also scared you want to adopt Lucas because you always do the right thing rather than doing it because you want to be his father, because you love him.”

Josh simply nodded, like one of those politicians I’d seen on TV during the presidential debates. Next, was he going to take notes or what?

“So if I understand correctly: you’re scared I’m with you so I can be with Lucas. But, at the same time, you’re scared I don’t really want to be with him but am acting purely out of duty.”

“Yes.” But there was more.

“So you’re scared of pretty much every scenario out there?”

I let out a heavy breath. Frustration was taking over. “I don’t need you to get all patronizing on me,” I barked but I had to get a grip because this was going nowhere. “The first time we were together you promised me your life, but when there was no baby anymore you went straight to Clarissa for a blow-job.” Damn, it was out there now.

“Do we really have to revisit the same moment over and over again? My time with Clarissa wasn’t my proudest, I’ve admitted that countless times. But it was five years ago. You have to let the past go.”

“Being with you now means I have let the past go. But I feel like my whole world is about to crumble all over again.”

He started toward me but I held up my hand to stop him. I had to finish. “When I decided to get off the tour, I did it knowing that we could get Lucas back. I let myself dream about that perfect picket-fenced life you used to ramble on about.”

“But it’s still possible. What happened in Kansas City was a set-back. I won’t let anyone take Lucas away from us. We have to be patient and let Trisha cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s.”

I knew all that. It was all reasonable and fine, but… “When have things ever worked our way?”

“Now, Cassie, it starts now.” He was hovering over me, not touching me but I felt his strength. “We’re not seventeen anymore, with no clue about anything, no clue about ourselves. We’ve seen the best and the worst in each other. We’ve screwed up badly.” He gave a bitter chuckle. “I won’t let that happen again.”

“I get it, Josh. We’re better and smarter people today. But what’s left of us without Lucas?”

Josh gave me a puzzled look. I had to choose my words carefully. I gave myself some time and walked around the small space in the barn. I ended up sitting in a small wooden recess along the wall. I laid my hands on my thighs. “If you think about it, most of our history as a couple has revolved around him. Me getting pregnant, us getting married, the whole abortion lie and break-up… and then there was Oxford and the adoption.” I shrugged. “One way or the other, Lucas has defined our relationship.”

“Children define most people’s relationships and marriage,” he talked down at me.

I looked up at him. “But most people had a relationship before having kids.”

“Come on, Cassie. We’ve known each other for almost twenty years.”

“We dated for one full year back when we were sixteen. That’s it.”

He stepped closer. “But what about the last six months? We’ve built a life in D.C. We have a home with freshly-painted walls and all those nice curtains you spent hours hanging.”

My mouth curled up into a sad smile. “What would be left of that home if Lucas doesn’t come to live in it? What would be left of us?” My questions hung between us for too long. “I can’t have more kids. Is that something you can deal with: a childless marriage?”

“Stop!” I saw that I’d struck something painful deep within him. “I’m not going there. As soon as the holiday season is over, Sawyer Curtis will be on top of it and it’ll be over in no time. Lucas is going to come and live with us.”

I gave him a nod but we kept staring at each other in a silent challenge. I held my chin high. It took a great deal of effort because Josh could be goddamn intimidating when he wanted.

When he spoke again, his voice had softened. It even felt as if he was in pain. “I wonder if the real question is about what you’d do if we didn’t get Lucas. Would you stay with me? Would you share the rest of your life with me having his shadow hanging over us, between us?”

I didn’t answer. He started retreating back to the heavy wooden door of the barn. He put his hand on the latch and looked at me over his shoulder. “Do you love me enough to be with me without him?”

He left me staring down blindly at my hands.

I turned his last question over and over in my mind until I realized he hadn’t answered mine.

Josh

We weren’t going back to D.C. for Christmas.

We were staying in Steep Hill. Cassie still hadn’t sold her farm, so that was where we’d probably end up celebrating. We’d return to our life in Washington before New Year’s Eve because I had to be back at work.

Since our meeting with Trisha things had gone sour. With Woodie’s wedding they’d gotten worse. Cassie talked to me but her heart wasn’t there. Our nights were spent next to each other. I wanted to touch her, but I couldn’t get close.

“Can you come and help me put the star on top off the tree?” Cassie asked as she retrieved the last decoration from the cardboard box we’d got down from the attic.

She stared down at the star as if it was much more than a simple Christmas decoration. And, to a certain extent, it was. That star had been on top of Mrs. O’s Christmas tree for as long as I could remember. It would be Cassie’s first Christmas without her gran and the absence weighed heavily on us.

I came and stood behind her. We’d practiced the move every year since I was tall enough to carry her.

“Ready?” I whispered into her ear.

“Ready.”

I bent down on my knees and locked my arms around her thighs. In one swift movement, I lifted her up and she placed the star at the top of the tree. I brought her down to land gently back on her feet.

“Beautiful!” I heard my mom clapping her hands.

Both Cassie and I kept our eyes on the star and I let my hands pass over her stomach. I breathed in the scent of her hair.

Wheels crunched on the driveway.

“The newlyweds have finally arrived.” My mother danced to the door and I couldn’t help smiling. So did Cassie.