J. Salsbury - Fighting to Forget

I’d give you anything.

“I’ll try.” My voice lacks the confidence it had earlier and she has to hear it. I run my hand down the side of her face, forking my fingers into her hair. “Come here.”

She sits up, pushes to her knees, and walks them closer until my dick presses against the softness of her belly. The heat, although muted through the condom, gives me a taste of what’s to come. I groan and flex my hips, eager to be inside her sweet body.

Tugging her to me, I tilt my head and cover her lips with mine. The combination of her taste still on my tongue and the wet of her mouth makes my stomach flip with the urge to fuck her raw, to pound into her until she cries out and begs me to stop.

No. Fuck!

I break the kiss and run my hand down to her breast to cup it before lowering my lips to it. She drops her head back and sighs, the sound so sweet I’m voracious for more. I’d steal for it, fight for it, and kill for it. I suck her nipple deep into my mouth and she gasps loudly. I squeeze my eyes closed.

I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t.

I won’t.

Back and forth between her breasts, I use my tongue, teeth, lip ring, and everything my mouth has to offer, against the tight pink tips. She leans back, her hands flying to my shoulders to stay upright. Her fingers bite into my flesh, holding on.

Holding me still.

Holding . . .

The back of my throat aches and my stomach lurches. I flinch, but mange to keep myself from shoving her away.

The evil pushes at the threshold of my mind, wanting to take this from me, destroy the good, and steal any chance I have at happiness.

I’m capable of more than I think.

I have to be, because the alternative isn’t good enough anymore.

Dragging my mouth from her breast, I hook the back of her neck and pull her up to support her own weight. Her eyes are hooded and her lips parted, midnight hair falls over her shoulders, veiling her milky white skin.

“Are you okay?” The concern in her whispered words brings the warmth of familiarity.

It makes no sense but feels so right. I smile and nod. “Nothing’s going to be the same after this.”

“God, Rex . . .” Her hand glides from my shoulder to my jaw and the fog of arousal clears from her eyes. She runs her thumb along my cheek with a look I’ve never gotten from another human being. “I hope you’re right.”

What is that look? I’ve seen it, the one Jonah gives Raven when she’s not looking and has her hand resting on the bump of their unborn baby. I’ve seen it on Layla when Blake’s dealing with Axelle, giving her advice or just shooting the shit. It’s not love; it’s more concrete. Tangible. Protected. Nothing in the world can touch it.

And having that communicated through the woman before me, naked, needy, willing to do whatever I want, I’m not only capable, I’m ready.

I slide my hand around her neck. The possessive hold makes her pulse race against my palm and my dick throb between my legs. Her hand drops from my face and she takes a deep breath.

I pull her to me and place a soft kiss on her lips. “Walk your knees apart.” I keep her collared but run my thumb along her neck in a soothing stroke. “I wish you could see how amazing you look.” I run my free hand down her arm to her hip and trace my fingertips inward to the spot I can still taste on my lips. “I like that there’s nothing here to hide you from my eyes.”

A heavy moan rumbles in her chest and she thrusts her hips.

I chuckle at her eagerness and have no intention of making her wait. “Yeah. I want it too.” Sliding two fingers between her legs I bite my lip at the feel of her readiness. “Fuck, you’re so wet.” I thrust my fingers inside and stop at the gripping pressure.

I slide my thumb up the side of her throat and back down, urging her to relax. When I sense that she’s okay I move my fingers in and out at a leisurely pace, giving her a chance to get used to the intrusion.

Her hips pull back and thrust in opposition to mine. She’s ready for more, and I’m in no position to deny her.

She whines when I pull my hand from the warmth of her body. I grip between my legs and swallow the sour taste pushing up my throat before pulling her in for a kiss. She sucks my bottom lip and bites my lip ring before releasing it. I’m wound up and so damn excited to have gotten this far. The rest is easy.

“Hold on tight, baby,” I say against her lips and then release my hold on her neck and grip her ass. Pressing my knees together, I slide them between hers so that she’s straddled over my thighs.

She barely gets her hands on my shoulders when I slam inside, burying myself in her heat. Her sharp cry echoes off the walls.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” I didn’t mean to hurt her. I wanted to go slow, but once I felt her taking me I lost it. “Talk to me.”

“I’m okay.” She nods. “Really, I’m fine.”

I give her a second she clearly doesn’t need as her eyes lock on mine and she starts to move. My hands grip her hips, holding her still. She groans in frustration.

“Shh, baby.” I lean in and take her nipple into my mouth. She relaxes and drops her weight onto me. I thrust up; her fingers dive into my hair, holding me to her breast.

One hand on the bed behind me to brace my weight, I use the other to fist a handful of her ass and squeeze hard. I growl against her bare breast, and she arches her hips into mine.

“Yes.” She pulls my hair.

The sting is so sweet, so disgustingly familiar. I fight the shame of enjoying the pain and thrust into her faster. Harder. Every powerful lift of my hips is an attempt to destroy the ugly that won’t back off.

My vision clouds; darkness falls over my eyes. Flashes, visions. Hands touching, violating. The hollow shame of helplessness.

“Fuck!” My hips piston, hands ripping against her flesh. Holding on, pushing away, gripping, hurting.

Dammit!

The ghost of whispered words. Dirty. Bad. Ugly.

“Leave me alone.” I cringe against the weakness I hear in my voice.

Her muscles tense. “Rex?”

No. They don’t get this moment. This is mine.

With a guttural roar, I shove up and throw her back to the bed. I slam into her, smothering her tiny body with mine. “I’m sorry.”

Her legs lock around the back of my knees. “Don’t be. I’m with you. Take it out on me.”

I bury my face into her neck and she holds me there. Her arms wrap around my shoulders, holding me to her while I war with the hideous visions that won’t let up.

My lungs contract. No air. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’d take the pain for you.” Her fingers sift into my hair. “Take what you need from me. I want you to.”

I push up and find fire and determination in her eyes.

“I’m serious, Rex.” She holds my face to hers, gazes locked. “Take it.”

Resolution ignites a need so deep I push up on my hands and stare down at her. She takes a long breath, drops her hands to the bed, and nods.

I roll my lip between my teeth and grind into her. She moans, taunting my inner demons.

My hips drive forward. Once. Twice. Harder. Faster.

She arches her back, shifting her position. The friction sends her head back, digging into the pillow. Her legs fall open wider, allowing me more freedom to move.

I’m overcome. The combination of her willing body submitting to me and the feel of her gripping heat drives me on.

Perfect, amazing.

Her hooded eyes fix on mine. “Rex, I’m . . .”

I drop my forehead and throw my weight behind my hips. My shoulders burn and muscles ache with the intensity of it.

She locks her legs around my hips and cries out my name. Her fingernails dig into my biceps, and she convulses beneath me, around me, so much so I feel it in my damn blood.

Need takes over and I barrel into her. My guts get tight. Nausea rolls through my stomach. I swallow it back and fight the urge to stay in the moment.

Her body falls limp beneath mine. My orgasm threatens and I’m helpless to stop it. My eyes pinch shut and I bite my lip. White flashes behind my eyes. My release explodes from my body. Fuck!

I’m dizzy; a wave of euphoria robs my muscles of the strength to hold up my weight. I drop to her body, heaving against her bare breast. I wait for the surge of vomit, for the urgent rush to purge my body of the ugly. Seconds pass, and nothing.

She holds me tight; her fingers dance a path up and down my spine. “Rex, I . . . Are you good?”

Am I good? I blow out a long breath and do a quick mental check. All systems are go. No vomit on the horizon. “I think I am. You?”

I look up and a slow sated smile curls her lips. “I definitely am.”

“You’re amazing.” I brush her sexy-as-hell sexed-up hair from her face.

She grins wide and covers her face. A giggle bubbles up from behind her hand.

I smile at her lighthearted laugh, still amazed that I’m not getting sick. “’Lotta bad things have happened to me after sex, baby, but being laughed at ain’t one of them.” I bury my face into her neck and absorb the vibration against my lips.

“I’m sorry; it’s not funny. I just”—she sucks in a breath—“I don’t remember the last time I was this happy.”

“Mmm.” I run my lips up and down the side of her neck, taking in her scent.

Still connected, she wraps her legs around my waist and locks her ankles. The move restricts me, clamping me to her, holding me in place. A ghost of panic slides up my spine but fails to take shape. I’m safe. She won’t hurt me. My shoulders relax with the freedom of accomplishment. Battle after battle won in the war for my future. All when I’m with her.

All because of her.

“Rex?” No more laughter in her voice, the breathy way she says my name fires my blood. She rolls her hips, grinding against me.

My body jolts to life, standing at attention and ready to fight another battle. Confident, stronger and more capable than ever before.

I nip her earlobe. “You’re not finished with me.”

“Never.”

Rex

It’s dark in Mac’s room. Our naked bodies are tangled together on top of her comforter. The room is quiet except for the sound of soft breathing at my ear.

Did she fall asleep? I don’t know how long we’ve been like this. My head’s been all over the place with what happened tonight. I took the time to learn her body so intimately that when we finally got to having sex it wasn’t the violent crash of meaningless fucking that I’m used to. It was something else completely.

It was Earth-shifting shit, the kind that leaves me a different man than I was when I walked in this room.

I never thought I’d have the things I have with her. And even though the visions and the shame ride me hard when we’re like this, her presence dulls their effect. Most of my life sex made me sick, so I avoided it or shared it with someone who didn’t mean anything. But being with someone who means something makes it better.

Thinking about it now, it seems so logical. I mean look at Blake and Jonah. Those guys went from a lifetime of playboy-hood to freakin’ marriage proposals, all because they hooked up with a good woman.

If the girls were their cure, is it possible Mac could be mine?

Could I be with her on a regular basis? Dinner dates, movie nights?

A slow smile pulls at my lips. Hell yeah, I could.

“Mac, baby?” I kiss her head, and she peeks up at me in the dark. “You sleeping?”

“Nah, just thinking.” She kisses my chest.

“About kicking my ass out of your bed?” I don’t think I could leave her now if she asked me to.

“No, the opposite, actually.”

Just when my chest can’t get any warmer, feel any fuller, it does. “Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“I tell you what. Let me hit the head real quick. We’ll crawl under this kick-ass comforter and you can tell me all about the opposite while I hold your naked ass in my hand.” Yep, no onset of the pukes. Amazing.

A deep laugh rumbles in her chest and dammit to hell that shit is sexy. “Sounds perfect.”

She moves to free herself from my hold, but my arms convulse around her. “Wait up.”

Her body falls back into place with mine. She’s quiet.