“Watch out he doesn't get you.” It was strange thinking of her in that milieu, and lonely for him. He realized how much he missed her suddenly, and he wasn't sure if he could say that to her. It seemed inappropriate in their friendship somehow, and yet there was more to it than that, and there was a great deal to be explored. “Are you coming to that wedding down here?” He was counting on it, but didn't tell her so.

“It looks like they are anyway. I'm not sure what my parents will say about my going away when I'm supposed to be visiting them, but I thought I'd mention it and see what they say.”

“I hope they let you come.” He looked like a worried teenager, and suddenly they both laughed. It was the fourteen-year-old syndrome again.

“See what I mean!”

“Listen, just come for one night, it would be fun seeing you here.”

She didn't disagree with him, and she wanted to see him very much. He had been on her mind for weeks, and she was sorry she hadn't seen him again before they both left for the east, but they both led busy lives, with a great many responsibilities. And maybe getting together in New York wasn't such a bad idea. “I'll see what I can do. It would be fun.” And then she had a better idea. She sounded like a kid as she suggested it to him. “Do you want to come to the wedding with me?” She loved the idea the more she thought of it. “Did you bring a dinner jacket to New York?”

“No, but I know a great store.” They both laughed. “Are you sure it's appropriate since I don't know the bride and groom?” A wedding at the Colony Club sounded like a very serious affair to him, and the very thought of it intimidated him, but Megan laughed at the thought.

“Everyone will be so drunk they won't give a damn who you are. And we can slip away early and go somewhere else …like the Carlyle to listen to Bobby Short.” He fell silent as he listened to her words. That was one of his favorite things to do in New York, and Bobby was an old friend from his New York days. He had been following him for years.

“I'd love that.” His voice sounded husky, as he thought of her, and he felt young again, as though life were beginning for him, and not as though it had already begun, and ended in tragedy less than two years before. “Try and come down, Meg.”

“I will.” There was an urgency between them now, and in a way it almost frightened her, and yet she wanted to see him while she was there. She didn't want to wait until they met in Napa again. “I'll do my best. And put the twenty-sixth on your calendar. I'll come in that morning, and stay at the Carlyle. My crazy brother always stays there.”

“I'll pick up a dinner jacket at the store this week.” It all sounded like fun, except the wedding itself, which he was dreading a little bit. It was only three days before his anniversary with Liz. It would have been four years. But he couldn't think of that now. He couldn't go on celebrating anniversaries that didn't exist, and suddenly he wanted to reach out to Megan, as though to force the memories from his head, and she heard something odd in his voice and was suddenly worried about him. It was as though she knew him better than she did. It was odd the communication they had. They had both noticed it.

“Are you all right?” Her voice was soft from her end, and he nodded with a tired smile.

“I'm okay. The ghosts get me sometimes …particularly at this time of year.”

“It's hard for everyone.” She had gone through it too, but it had been such a long time, and there had usually been some man or other in her life at this time of year. Either that or she was at the hospital, on call with sick kids. Either way, she suffered less than she knew he would. She hoped his family would be good to him. She knew how difficult the holidays would be for him, and the kids, or Jane anyway. “How's she?”

“Happy to be here. She and my mother are as thick as thieves. They've already got plans for the next three weeks, and Nanny is staying on here with them after I leave. I've got to be back in San Francisco for a meeting on the thirtieth, and Jane doesn't have to be back in school till the tenth, so that gives them two more weeks after I leave, and they're all looking forward to it.” She wondered if he'd be lonely then.

“Will you come up to Napa while they're gone?”

“I might.” There was a long silence as they shared the same thoughts and then shied away from them again, and she promised to call him by the end of the week, to tell him her plans. But the next time he called her. It was two days after they had arrived in New York, and it was Christmas Day, and her father answered the phone in a booming voice and called out to her, telling her to hurry up.

She came scurrying to the phone breathlessly, and Bernie smiled the moment he heard her voice. “Merry Christmas, Meg.” He had fallen into calling her that, and she smiled. No one had called her that since her best friend when she was a child, and it warmed her heart when he did it.

“Merry Christmas to you too.” She was happy to hear his voice, but there seemed to be a lot of noise in the background, and someone was calling her.

“Is this a bad time?”

“No. We were just leaving for church. Can I call you back?” And when she did, she announced herself to his mother as Doctor Jones again. They had a nice long chat, and when he hung up the phone, his mother eyed him curiously. The children were in their room, playing with some of their presents with Nanny Pip. They had gotten most of their gifts for Chanukah, but Grandma Ruth couldn't forgo Christmas entirely. She didn't want to disappoint Alex and Jane, so Santa Claus now came to their house too, which made Bernie laugh. If he had wanted to celebrate Christmas as a child, they would have been horrified. But for their grandchildren, even that was all right. They had mellowed a lot over the years. But not totally.

“Who was that?” His mother attempted unsuccessfully to look naive, after his call from Meg.

“Just a friend.” It was a game that was familiar to him, although he hadn't played it with her in a long, long time, and he was secretly amused by it.

“Anyone I know?”

“I don't think so, Mom.”

“What's her name?”

He used to balk at that, but he didn't care anymore. He had nothing to hide, even from her. “Megan Jones.” She looked at him, half pleased that someone had called, half angry because her name wasn't Rachel Schwartz.

“Another one of those again.” But secretly she was pleased. There was a woman calling him. He was alive again. And there was something in his eyes which almost gave her hope. She had said as much to Lou the night he arrived, but Lou said he didn't see anything different in him. He never did. But Ruth did. And she saw it now. “How come you never meet Jewish girls?” It was a question as much as a complaint and this time he grinned at her.

“I guess 'cause I don't go to temple anymore.”

She nodded, and then wondered if he was angry at God because of Liz, but she didn't want to ask him that, which was just as well. “What kind is this?” There were long pauses between her questions and Bernie smiled at her.

“Episcopalian.” He remembered the scene at Cote Basque and so did she.

“Oy” But it was a small unedited word, more of a statement of fact than a warning of collapse. “An Episcopalian. Is it serious?”

He was quick to shake his head and she wondered about that. “No, it's not. She's just a friend.”

“She calls you a lot.”

“That makes twice.” And she knew he had called her too, but she didn't say that to him.

“Is she nice? Does she like the kids?” A double-barreled question this time, and he decided to say something on Meg's behalf, to assure her of his mother's respect at least.

“She's a pediatrician, if that makes any difference.” And of course he knew it did. The jackpot for Megan Jones! He smiled to himself, watching the look on his mother's face.

“A doctor? …Of course …Doctor Jones …Why didn't you tell me that before?”

“You didn't ask.” They were the same old words to the same game. Like a song they'd been singing to each other for years. It was almost a lullaby by now.

“What was her name again?” Now he knew she'd have his father check her out.

“Megan Jones. She went to Harvard undergraduate, med school at Stanford, and did her residency at UC. That way Dad won't have to look her up. His eyes aren't so great these days.”

“Don't be fresh.” She pretended to be annoyed, but in truth she was impressed. She would have liked it better if he had been the doctor and she worked at Wolffs, but what the hell, you couldn't have it all in one life. They all knew that by now. “What does she look like?”

“She has warts and buck teeth.”

And this time his mother laughed. After almost forty years, she finally laughed with him.

“Will I meet her sometime, this beauty with the warts and buck teeth, and the fancy degrees?”

“You might, if she sticks around.”

“Is it serious?” She narrowed her eyes as she asked him again, and he backed off. It was all right to play with her, but he wasn't ready to talk seriously yet. For the moment they were just friends, no matter how often she called, or he called her.

“No.”

She had learned something else over the years. She knew when to back off, and when she saw the look on his face she did. And she didn't say another word when Megan called him again that night to tell him what time she'd be at the Carlyle the next day. She was coming in to go to the wedding with him. He had already brought the dinner jacket home, and it fit him impeccably. His mother had been stunned when she saw him going out the next night. And she was even more impressed when she saw the long black limousine waiting outside for him.

“Is that her car?” Her eyes were wide and she spoke in hushed tones. What kind of a doctor was this? After forty years with a good practice on Park Avenue in New York, Lou still couldn't afford a limousine. Not that she wanted one, but still …

Bernie smiled. “No, Mom, it's mine. I rented it.”

“Oh.” It deflated her a little bit, but not much. She was very proud of him, and she watched from behind the curtain as he got into the car and disappeared. And she sighed to herself as she stepped back into the living room and saw Nanny Pippin watching her. “I just … I wanted to make sure he was all right…. It's icy out tonight.” As though she needed an excuse.

“He's a good man, Mrs. Fine.” Nanny Pippin sounded as though she were proud of him too, and her words touched Ruth's heart.

Ruth Fine glanced around to see if anyone was listening to them, and then advanced cautiously on Nanny Pip. They had established a tenuous friendship over the past year, but Ruth respected her, and Nanny liked her in return. And Ruth figured that Nanny knew everything that went on in his life. “What's the doctor like?” She spoke in a voice so low that Nanny could barely hear, but she smiled.

“She's a good woman. And very intelligent.”

“Is she beautiful?”

“She's a handsome girl.” They'd have made a fine pair, but Nanny didn't want to encourage her too much, there was no reason to think anything serious would happen between them, although she would have liked to see something like that. Megan would have been perfect for him. “She's a good girl, Mrs. Fine. Perhaps something will come of it one day.” But she offered no promises, and Ruth only nodded her head, thinking of her only son riding into town in a rented limousine. What a handsome boy he was …and a good man…. Nanny was right. She wiped away a stray tear as she turned off the living room lights and got ready to go to bed, and wished good things for him.





Chapter 40

The drive into town took longer than usual because of the snow, and he sat in the back seat thinking of her. It seemed forever since he had seen her in Napa. And he was excited to be seeing her again, especially in this setting. It was new and different and exciting. He liked the quiet, simple life she led, working hard at what she did, with love and dedication. And yet there was more to her than that, her family in Boston, the “crazy” brother she described so fondly, and the fancy relatives she spoke of with amusement, like the cousins getting married that night. But more than that, there was what he felt for her. The respect and the admiration and the growing affection. And there was more than that. There was a physical attraction he could barely deny now, no matter how guilty it made him feel. It was still there, growing more powerful day by day. And he was thinking of how lovely she was as the limousine sped up Madison Avenue on the salt-strewn street, and turned east on Seventy-sixth Street.