Laura Miller - For All You Have Left

My eyes quickly venture back to his.

“That’s today,” I say.

I watch him slowly nod his head before I find the words on the page again and follow over them:

I’ve known this girl Logan for nine, miserable years now. Her eyes are too green. Her smile is all wrong. I wouldn’t marry her if she were the last girl in the world. And she still can’t hit a ball.

I playfully narrow my eyes at him before I catch the tiny letters again at the bottom of the page:

I’ve known this girl Logan for nine, happy years now. Her eyes are beautiful. Her smile is perfect. I would marry her every day of my life if I could. And she can still hit a ball — better than I can.

I can feel my heart breaking into a million, little pieces as I follow over his tiny words at the bottom of the page one more time. And I think it’s those same, tiny words that remind me that he’s no longer the little boy I shared a childhood with.

“I know in my heart that you’re the one,” Andrew whispers low and near my ear.

His words are breathy and passionate. And instead of seeing his perfect, boyish grin when I look up, I catch a box. And inside the box is a ring. And above the ring are two longing eyes.

“I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, marry me, Logan Ada Cross.”

I search his eyes for a moment, but only for a moment. That’s all the time I need.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Wednesday,” he adds, with a hopeful plea in his dark brown eyes.

I press my lips together, until I just can’t hold back a smile any longer.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Logan.”

I open my eyes to a shadowy figure hovering over me, blocking out the sun.

“You look beautiful.” Andrew leans down and kisses me on the cheek.

I smile and sit up.

“You like it,” I ask. “I have another one if you don’t like it.”

He shakes his head. “I love it.”

My stomach fills with butterflies. I’m glad he likes it. After four long days of deciding what to wear today, I came to the conclusion that this one was the one; this one was perfect. It’s simple — no lace, no crazy cut-outs, just a simple, white sundress. I would have been crushed if he had showed even the slightest sign that he didn’t like it. I wanted to look perfect today. I wanted to look perfect for him.

“The dress is new, and the earrings are my mom’s, so they’re old.” I pull on one of the earrings. “And these shoes are Hannah’s.” I point to the little, white boat shoes on my feet. “She won’t miss them — today anyway.” I send Andrew a mischievous grin, but then it slowly fades. “But I don’t have anything blue.”

Andrew stares at me for a second, then falls into the hammock beside me, puts his elbows on his knees and his fists under his chin and just sits there quietly.

“I got it,” he says, after another second. And I watch him pull his baseball state championship ring off his finger. “It’s blue.”

He takes my hand and slides the ring onto my thumb. There’s a spark in his eyes. He looks so happy.

I hold my hand out in front of me and fixate on the dancing sparkles in the blue jewel.

“It’s perfect,” I say, as I look up at Andrew. And for some reason, it’s as if I were looking at him for the first time because I notice him — like really notice him — as being a man and not just a boy. He’s wearing dark slacks, a light blue collared shirt and a gray vest with his black motorcycle boots. It just might be the most dressed up I’ve ever seen him.

“You look really good,” I say.

He looks down at himself.

“You think so?”

It’s cute the way he seems so unsure of himself all of a sudden. I rarely see this side of him.

“Mm hmm,” I say, nodding my head. “You look perfect…ly sexy.”

He flashes me a wide grin.

“Now, save that thought for later, my dear,” he says, giving me a wink.

His confidence is back now.

I laugh softly and try to smooth the wrinkles, which the little eyelets in the hammock made, out of my dress.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to see me before,” I say. “It’s bad luck.”

Not even a second goes by before I feel the tip of Andrew’s finger touch my chin and then start to lift my face.

“Who believes in luck?” I watch his lips light up his handsome features. “You?” he asks.

I shake my head.

“Me neither,” he says.

I start to smile too, but then it slowly fades.

“Andrew.”

His soft eyes catch mine.

“When we get married, you’ll still love me like you do now, right?” I lower my eyes. “It won’t change us, right?”

I peek through my eyelashes and notice Andrew’s face turning serious — not scared or anything — just as if he had thought about it too maybe.

“It more than likely won’t change you,” he says.

My gaze quickly darts up toward his again.

“But you?” I ask it as if I’m scared to hear his answer.

He nods his head.

“You’ll change me all right, Logan.”

I stare at him with questioning eyes. I don’t want him to change, and I sure don’t want to be the reason he changes.

“You’ll make me a better man,” he says, before I can say anything.

I suck in a deep breath and command my heart to beat again. I love him so much. It scares me sometimes when I think about how lucky…blessed…I am to have found the love of my life the first time around. I never had to cry the tears that my best friend Sara had to when she broke up with her first boyfriend our sophomore year. And I never had to experience the indecision or the what ifs that my sister Hannah talked about every time she climbed into my bed and said she just needed me to listen. There was always some boy whom she wanted to date and always another one whom she had second thoughts about letting go. I got them all confused, but like I said, it didn’t matter; I just needed to listen. But I did always wish that Sara and Hannah could have found someone like Andrew when they were nine too. Then, maybe they could have saved some of their tears. Life was a whole lot less dramatic for me. I liked it that way. But more than I loved a simple existence, I loved Andrew Amsel.

“You ready to get married?”

I force my eyes to his.

“More than ready,” I say.

He stands up and holds out his hand. I rest mine — the one with the little diamond on my ring finger and the big blue jewel on my thumb — in his. He helps me to my feet, and we start off toward his bike in the driveway. But we only get a few yards before I hear his soft voice again.

“You tell your parents?”

I feel my lips instinctively push to one side as I shake my head.

He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t ask why. He already knows why.

“You?” I ask.

“Nah.”

I slowly nod my head. I already knew his answer too. And it’s not that I didn’t want to tell my parents. I did. I really did. And it’s not that they don’t love Andrew because they do. And it’s not even that I don’t think they would understand because they will. My mom and my dad got married when they were eighteen too. And they were nineteen when they had Hannah. My mom was a freshman in college, but after she had Hannah, she never went back to school. I think that everyone might have that one what if in their life, and I think a college degree is my mom’s. And I know she wants that for Hannah and me. I know she wants us to become teachers or doctors or something like that. And I wish I could tell her that I can still do something like that — get some degree that will make both of my parents happy—and be married to Andrew and have them believe me, but I know they’ve got good reason not to. That’s why I didn’t tell them though. And I’d ask Andrew why he didn’t tell his parents, but I already know the why to that too. He was afraid they’d tell mine.

“You still want to do this?” His voice is timid and almost broken.

I immediately stop walking and narrow in on his face. He’s looking at me through hooded eyes now. And even though I can’t tell if he looks more nervous or sad, I just want to comfort him.

“Andrew, I love you so much. I just can’t wait another day. And plus, I imagined myself probably a million times in the last few days standing with you in front of that judge in this dress on this exact day. It already feels so real; I can’t even imagine not actually living it.”

I make sure to look deep into his soft, brown eyes. “I want to spend forever with you, Andrew.”

A moment passes between us in silence before I instinctively squeeze his hand.

“Wait, you’re not having second thoughts, are you?” I ask.

Andrew looks down at the ground and then back up at me. There’s a second where I think I might have stopped breathing, but then I spot a soft, sexy grin returning to his face.

“You’re kidding, right?” he asks. “If it weren’t for parents and high school and a dumb, unspoken rule that says you have to be a certain age to marry the girl you’ve loved since you were a kid, I would have already married you, Logan. You know that.”

I let go of a thankful breath as I rest my head on his arm and start walking again. I do — know that.

“I just don’t want you to have any regrets, that’s all,” he adds, kissing my forehead.

I lift my eyes to his again because I know what he’s not saying. He doesn’t have to say that he worries I’ll regret not telling my parents. And he doesn’t have to tell me that he worries how I would feel if they disowned me or us if we go through with this today. He doesn’t have to say any of it because I can read it all on his face.

“Andrew, my parents love you. And they know how much I love you. And they’ll still love us both after today too. I know that.”

I stop walking and rest a hand on either side of his face. “And I’m marrying you today no matter what. Nothing else matters. Nothing else means more to me. I promise you that anything that I could ever regret about today will never mean more to me than you.”

I lower my hands and shrug my shoulders.

“So, the way I see it, the worse thing that comes out of today is having to decide who gets to drive the Hoveround when we’re eighty.”

Andrew holds a long, fixed look on me. I can tell he wants to smile, but he’s not quite sure yet.

“You know I get to drive it, right?” he asks.

“Who says?”

“The mailbox you drove my bike into last weekend.”

“I scuffed it,” I correct him. “I scuffed the mailbox, and there wasn’t even a scratch on the bike. And if you wouldn’t have been distracting me with all that gears and clutch mumbo jumbo, I would have had it all under control.”

There’s a second where he’s glaring at me with his mischievous boy-grin, then in the next second, he scoops me into his arms, and I feel a high-pitched squeal push past my lips.

“Babe, all that gears and clutch mumbo jumbo was what you needed to actually drive the bike,” he says, laughing softly into my ear.

I flash him a confident glance. “Well, maybe you should have been telling me more about the brakes mumbo jumbo, sweetie.”

He slowly nods his head. “Touché,” he says, before planting a wet kiss on my lips. And soon, a grin returns to his face. “Well, babe, you look as sexy as hell behind the handlebars of my bike.” He sets me down onto the part of the leather behind the driver’s seat and swings his leg over the bike. “But you look even sexier behind me behind the bars.”

There’s a smirk on my face now; I can feel it.

“Sexier and a whole lot safer, you mean?”

“Exactly,” he says, handing me the pink helmet he bought for me the day he got his motorcycle license almost a year ago. “Sexier and a whole lot safer,” he confirms.

I squeeze the helmet on over my thick hair, and then he hands me a backpack, and I throw that on too. And after he kicks up the kickstand and starts the bike, he twists around and catches my gaze.

“Now, let’s go get married,” he says.

* * *

“Give me your hand.”

He looks at me for a moment and smiles, then holds out his left hand.

I position my hand on top of his and snap a photo of the new rings resting at the bottom of our ring fingers.

“Are you happy, Logan?” he asks me after I lower the camera from my face.

I look up at him.

“It’s just another day with you — the best day of my life,” I say.