Laurelin Paige - Forever with You

“I know you deserve a long engagement and a proper wedding—and we can do that again, whenever you want—but I know right now you need reassurance.”

His hands were all over the place as he talked, totally out of character. Was he high? Nervous? Insane?

“You need confirmation that I am committed to you, Alayna, and there’s no better way I can think of showing you that than to marry you. To declare in a written contract that I’m yours and that I promise to love you forever.”

I settled on insane. “Hudson, you’re crazy.”

“And no prenup either.” He wiped his palms on his jeans. Was he sweating? I sure was. “I’m ready to give you everything I have, to make myself vulnerable, just like you made yourself to me time after time.”

“No prenup? Now I definitely know you’re crazy.” And I was crazy for simply continuing the conversation.

“I am crazy. Crazy without you in my life.” He pushed his hands through his hair. “You’re the only one who’s ever made me better. And you have me by the balls now, Alayna, in so many ways. Because if you say no, if you turn me away, then I’ve lost everything that means anything in my pathetic excuse for a life. But if you say yes, I have to be the one to trust you—you could scam me if you wanted to. You could simply marry me now, divorce me later and half of all I have would be yours.”

As if his money meant anything to me. “I have no interest in your—”

He cut me off. “I know. I know that you would never take advantage of me like that. But the point is you could.” He paced the small room. “This is the only way I can think of to show you that I’m willing to be vulnerable to you. That I trust you.” He turned to face me again. “And that, even though I don’t deserve it, I’m determined to fight to earn back your trust. Even if it takes the rest of my life.”

I was in shock. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed over me that I had no idea what to feel or think. Out of the plethora of reactions brimming to escape, I picked one at random. “Some romantic proposal—marry me so that I can prove you can trust me.”

“No, Alayna,” his voice deepened. “Marry me because I love you. More than life itself.” He squared himself to me. “Marry me today, so I can prove I mean it.”

“Hudson, this is insane.” He didn’t even have a ring. “You destroyed everything we had together. You can’t just fix it by asking me to marry you out of the blue.”

“Why not?” He was desperate, both his tone and his body language gave him away. “Why not?” He shook his hands in front of him for emphasis. “We belong together. For all the wrongs we’ve done—I’ve done—you can’t deny that we make each other better.” He shifted his weight to one hip. “You admit you love me. And I love you. What’s keeping us apart? The fact that we hurt each other? Can you honestly say that you feel less hurt without me around? You came by the loft, Alayna. I know you’re still thinking about me.” He put his hands together, steepling his index fingers. “The only logical reason you can give for not being with me is that you don’t trust that I’m really in it for love. Marry me and you’ll have no doubt.”

His voice lowered as he asked one more time, his eyes begging. “Please, marry me.”

I’d thought about it. More than once. Thought about a forever with Hudson Pierce. And he’d hinted at it before. If I really believed him when he said that the majority of our relationship had been real, then his proposal wouldn’t seem completely out of the blue.

And I did believe that most of it had been real. Not just because I wanted to, but because it had been real to me. The way I loved him didn’t happen in a one-sided relationship. That was the false attraction I’d felt for men in the past, I knew the difference. No, this kind of love only grew from reciprocation. Whatever had been false between us, our love hadn’t been.

But despite what I’d thought about and what we’d felt, there was more between us that hadn’t had time to settle. More that hadn’t healed. Falling into anything with Hudson again, let alone marriage—marriage!—would be like lying out in the sun while still recovering from a bad burn.

Baby steps.

Marriage was not baby steps. And, honestly, I didn’t even know yet if the steps I wanted to take were in that direction. In his direction.

He was waiting for my answer.

I gave it. “No.”

“No?” His expression was more confused than disappointed.

Hudson rarely heard the word no. It was likely shocking to hear it when he most wanted a different answer.

“No,” I repeated. “No.” I straightened. “You think you can fix everything between us by asking me to elope with you? It’s hard for me to even look at you right now. Why would you think I would consider marrying you?”

He opened his mouth and I put my hand up in the air to shush him. “Don’t talk. I don’t want an answer. I need to say some things. Yes, I came to the loft because I missed you. Missed you desperately. But if I’d had any inkling you’d be there, I would have found a way to resist. I’m glad I was there because I found out some things that I needed to know. I’m grateful for what you did. But it doesn’t change you and me. It just makes it easier for me to maybe one day find some closure.”

“Don’t say closure, Alay—” He stopped himself, realizing I wasn’t finished. “Sorry. Go on.”

His willingness to submit to me almost did me in. That had to be hard for him to give me the floor. He got a point for that one.

But he was so behind on the score that a measly point made little difference.

I took a breath and went on. “Even if I could trust you, Hudson, I wouldn’t want to marry a guy just because he scammed me and now he feels bad. And not in Vegas. I’d want my brother and Mira and Adam and Jack. And even Sophia.”

His expression turned hopeful. “You want my family at your wedding? Does that mean I have a shot at being the groom?”

“Once, you did. But now…” Oh, this was hard to say. “Now I can’t see how.”

Though it hurt for me to say the words, it was Hudson who appeared crushed. He closed his eyes and his jaw twitched as his entire body sagged. It struck me that the tables had completely been turned. Wasn’t it usually he who had the emotional control while I was left floundering? He who was even and strong while I fell apart?

Strangely, it didn’t feel any better to be on this side. Because though it seemed like I was in control, inside I was a mess.

Was this what it felt like to be Hudson Pierce?

I couldn’t think about it anymore. None of it. It was time to get off the emotional roller coaster and move the fuck on.

There was no way to the doorway except through him. “I have to leave now, Hudson.”

He made no effort to move. “Alayna, let’s talk about this more. If not this plan, maybe we can talk about something else. Or no plan at all. Just talking to you is nice.”

“I can’t. I need to go.” I was done.

“Alayna…”

“Please,” my voice cracked, “let me go.”

Slowly, reluctantly, he stepped out of my pathway. But just as I was about to step through the door, he slipped in front of me. He put his hands on each side of the frame, not touching me, but blocking my way. “No, I’m not ever letting you go.” His words were raw with emotion. “I’ll let you leave here right now, but I’m not giving up on you. I’ll pursue you like I’ve never pursued anything in my life. I’ll fight until you have no choice but to believe that I love you with everything I am.”

He was so close. I could smell him, breathe him in the same way I had his pillow at the loft. But this was so much better because it was really him. Warmth rolled off him, calling me to his arms. If I simply leaned forward, I’d fall into him.

And the things he was saying—his vow to fight for me—it was hard to resist.

Then Liesl’s advice from that morning came back to me. It was too soon. I needed more time. “Hudson,” I kept my eyes down, unable to meet his gaze. “Let me go.”

He waited a beat, but then he did step back and I slid past, careful not to touch him, though every cell in my body yearned to do just that.

I managed to hold my head high as I walked away from him, even when he called after me. “I’m never giving up, Alayna. I’ll prove myself. You’ll see.”

I went into work that night to find a package with my name on it waiting in the office. “What’s this?” I asked Gwen.

“Beats me. A courier left it for you about half an hour ago. No message.” She went back to counting the money in the safe.

No way to know unless I opened it. Inside, I found a brand new Kindle. I’d never had an e-reader, but I’d used the Kindle app on my computer. I turned it on and found the device was filled with books. Flipping through them, I recognized the titles as the ones on my bookshelves in Hudson’s library. I picked up the wrapping, searching for a card, and finally found one—a simple note, handwritten:

In case you’re missing your books as much as I’m missing you. – H

I stared at the card for several minutes while I tried to quiet my pulse. He was really going to fight for me, then. The realization thrilled me. Gifts weren’t going to cut it though. I couldn’t give a shit about material items. The note—that I’d cherish.

Gwen swung the safe door shut and came to glance over my shoulder. “Ah, so lover boy’s trying to win you back.”

“Supposedly.” I tucked the note in my bra and waited for her traditional love sucks speech.

It didn’t come. “There could be worse things,” she said with more than a hint of melancholy.

It was possible she was right.

* * *

Sunday, a delivery service showed up at Liesl’s with a new futon mattress, much thicker and of higher quality than the old one. The card this time read: You should be sleeping well even though I’m not. – H

I glared at Liesl. “How does he know I’m sleeping on a futon?”

She shrugged. “Maybe I said something in one of our texts.”

“You’re texting him?” Wasn’t she supposed to be on my side?

“He had your phone charger delivered the other night to the club. Guess he figured that’s why you hadn’t been responding to him. So I plugged it in and holy Jesus, Laynie, that thing was filled with texts.” She pulled her long hair over one shoulder. “Some of them made me feel a little bad for the guy. I texted him back.”

I swatted her shoulder—or more like shoved. “What the fuck?”

“I told him it was me and not you.” As if that were the reason I was pissed.

“That’s private, Liesl.”

Again she shrugged. “Someone should be reading them. That’s all I’m saying.” She turned to the deliveryman, who just walked up with his clipboard looking for a signature. She signed then looked back at me. “It’s plugged in on top of the fridge if you’re interested.”

It was much later, when I couldn’t sleep despite the comfortable new mattress, that I pulled my phone down from its hiding place. There were more than a hundred unread texts, plus a handful that had been marked read that I hadn’t seen. Apparently Liesl had only viewed some of them.

I curled up on the new futon and began reading. Like the notes he’d been sending, most were sweet, but some were sexy, others desperate. I took my time absorbing each one, intermittently crying and smiling and sometimes even laughing.

Even though I’d responded to none of them so far, each was written as if I would. I rolled my eyes at one sent earlier that day.

I ordered a futon for me as well. Maybe sleeping on it will make me feel closer to you.

And then later, after eleven p.m., he sent several in a row:

God, this sucks shit. I wasn’t sleeping before but at least I was comfortable.

I’ll continue to endeavor, though. If this is how you’re sleeping, I shall as well.

You know, we could both be together in the bed at the penthouse. If I remember correctly, the lack of sleep we got had nothing to do with the comfort of the mattress. ;)

Before I could stop myself, I shot a text back:

Hudson Pierce using an emoticon…will wonders never cease?

It was two in the morning and he responded immediately. He really wasn’t sleeping.

I’m hoping they don’t cease. If I ever have you in my arms again, that will certainly be a wonder. Goodnight, precious.

That night I slept with the phone next to me. Though I didn’t often reply, I read the texts he sent from then on. Each and every one.