“He was more than that. He was the best friend I'll ever have. He was remarkable … even as he died, he gave something to everyone, a piece of himself … some part of himself.…” She looked up at Russ again. “I wish you'd known him.”

“So do I.” He looked at her gently then. “Were you in love with him?”

She shook her head, and then she smiled, remembering. “He had a crush on me when we were kids. But Averil was perfect for him.”

“And you, Tana?” Russell Carver looked searchingly at her. “Who was perfect for you? Who has there been? Who was the love of your life?” It was an odd question to ask, but he had the feeling that there had been someone. It was impossible that a girl like this should be unattached. There was a mystery there, and he couldn't find the answer to it.

“No one.” She smiled at him. “Some hits, some misses … the wrong people mostly. I haven't had much time.”

He nodded. He understood that too. “You pay a price for getting where you are. It can be a very lonely place sometimes.” He wondered if it was for her, but she looked content to him. He wondered who there was in her life now, and he asked her as much, in so many words.

“I've been seeing someone for the last few years, more than that actually, I guess. We lived together for a while. And we still see each other,” she smiled wistfully and looked into Russ's dark eyes, “but things aren't what they used to be. ‘The price you pay,’ as you put it. Things haven't been the same since I got appointed to the bench last year … and then Harry died … it's made a lot of dents in us.”

“Is it a serious affair?” He looked both concerned and intrigued.

“It was for a long time, but it's limping badly now. I think we're still together out of loyalty.”

“You're still together, then?” He watched her face carefully, and she nodded. She and Jack had never really called it quits. At least not yet, although neither of them knew what the future would bring.

“We are for now. It suited us both for a long time. We had the same philosophy. No marriage and no kids. And as long as we both agreed on that, it worked pretty well.…”

“And now?” The big dark eyes were probing hers and she looked at him, suddenly hungry for his touch, his hands, his lips. He was the most attractive man she'd ever seen, but she had to reproach herself. She still belonged to Jack … didn't she? She was no longer quite so sure.

“I don't know. Things have changed for me since Harry died. Some of what he said makes me wonder about my own life.” She looked hard at Russ. “I mean is this it? Is this all there is? I go on from here, with my work … with or without Jack,” Russ gathered who she meant, “and that's all? Maybe I want more of a future than that. I've never felt that way before, and suddenly I do. Or at least I wonder about it sometimes.”

“I think you're on the right track.” He sounded worldly and wise, and in some ways he reminded her of Harrison.

She smiled at him. “That's what Harry would say.” And then she sighed. “Who knows, maybe it doesn't matter anyway. Suddenly it's all over, and then so what, who cares, you're gone…”

“It matters all the more then, Tana. But I felt that way too after my wife died ten years ago. It's difficult to adjust to something like that, it forces the realization on us that we have to face our own mortality one day. It all counts, every year, every day, every relationship, if you're wasting it, or unhappy where you are, one day you wake up, and it's time to pay the check. So in the meantime, you might as well be happy where you are.” He waited a moment and then looked at her. “Are you?”

“Happy?” She hesitated for a long time and then looked at him. “In my work, I am.”

“And the rest?”

“Not very, right now. It's a difficult time for us.”

“Am I intruding, then?” He wanted to know everything, and sometimes it was difficult to answer him.

She shook her head and looked into the brown eyes she was coming to know so well. “No, you're not.”

“You're still seeing your friend … the one you lived with for a while?” He smiled at her and he looked terribly sophisticated and grown up. She felt almost like a child with him.

“Yes, I still see him off and on.”

“I wanted to know how things stand with you.” She wanted to ask him why, but she didn't dare. Instead, he took her to his house, and showed her around. It took her breath away, from the moment they walked into the front hall. Nothing about him bespoke that kind of wealth. He was simple, easy, quietly well dressed, but when you saw where he lived, you understood who he was. It was a house on Broadway, in the last block before the Presidio, with small, carefully kept grounds, a marble entrance hall in inky green and sparkling white, tall marble columns, a Louis XV chest with a white marble top and a silver tray for calling cards, gilt mirrors, parquet floors, satin curtains sweeping the floor. The main floor was a series of exquisite reception rooms. The second floor was more comfortable, with a large master suite, a pretty wood-panelled library, a cozy little den with a marble fireplace, and upstairs were the children's rooms he no longer used.

“It doesn't make much sense for me anymore, but I've been here for so long, I hate to move.…”

There was nothing she could do but laugh as she sat down and looked at him. “I think I'll burn my house down after this.” But she was happy there too. This was just another life, another world. He had need of this and she did not. She remembered hearing now that he had considerable personal wealth, knew he had owned a profitable law firm a number of years ago. The man had done well in his life, and he had nothing to fear from her. She wanted nothing from him materially. He showed her proudly from room to room, the billiard room and the gym downstairs, the racks of guns he kept for duck hunting. He was a whole man, of many interests and pursuits. And as they went back upstairs, he turned to her and took her hand with a small, careful smile.

“I'm very taken with you, Tana.… I'd like to see rriore of you, but I don't want to complicate your life just now. Will you tell me when you're free?” She nodded, totally amazed by all that she had seen and heard. A little while later, he took her home, and she sat staring into the fire in her living room. He was like the kind of men one read about in books, or saw in magazines. And suddenly there he was, on the threshold of her life, telling her that he was “taken with her,” bringing her roses, walking her through Butterfield's. She didn't know what to make of him, but one thing she knew, and that was that she was “very taken” with him too.

It made things difficult with Jack for the next few weeks. She attempted to spend several nights in Tiburon, almost out of guilt, and all she could think about was Russ, especially when they made love. It was beginning to make her as testy as Jack was with her, and by Thanksgiving she was a nervous wreck. Russ had gone East to see his daughter Lee, and he had invited her to go with him, but that would have been dishonest of her. She had to resolve the situation with Jack, but by the time the holidays came, she felt hysterical every time she thought of him. All she wanted to do was be with Russ, for their quiet talks, their long walks in the Presidio, their ventures into antique shops, art galleries, their long hours over lunch in tiny coffee shops and restaurants. He brought something into her life that had never been there before and which she longed for now, and whenever a problem arose, it was Russ she called, not Jack. Jack would only bark at her. He still had a need to punish her, and it was tiresome now. She wasn't feeling guilty enough to put up with it anymore.

“Why are you hanging on to him?” Russ asked her one day.

“I don't know.” Tana stared miserably at Russ over lunch before court was recessed for the holidays.

“Maybe because in your mind he's attached to your friend.” It was a new idea to her, but she thought it might be a possibility. “Do you love him, Tan?”

“It isn't that … it's that we've been together for so long.”

“That's no excuse. From what you say, you're not happy with him.”

“I know. That's the crazy part. Maybe it's just that it's been so safe.”

“Why?” He pushed her hard sometimes, but it was good for her.

“Jack and I have always wanted the same things … no commitment, no marriage, no kids…”

“Is that what you're afraid of now?”

She took a breath and stared at him. “Yes … I think I am.…”

“Tana,” he reached out and took her hand. “Are you afraid of me?” Slowly, she shook her head, and then he said what she had both feared and wanted most. She had wanted it since they'd met, since she'd first looked into his eyes. “I want to marry you. Do you know that?” She shook her head, and then stopped and nodded it, and they both laughed, she with tears in her eyes.

“I don't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make things clear for you. And now you have to clear up the other situation, for your own peace of mind, whatever you decide about us.”

“Wouldn't your daughters object?”

“It's my life, not theirs, isn't it? Besides, they're lovely girls, there's no reason for them to object to my happiness.” Tana nodded her head. She felt as though she were living a dream.

“Are you serious?”

“Never more so in my life.” His eyes met hers and held. “I love you very much.” He hadn't even kissed her yet, and she felt herself melting toward him where they sat. And as they left the restaurant, he gently pulled her towards him and kissed her lips, and she felt as though her heart would melt as he held her in his arms.

“I love you, Russ.” The words were suddenly so easy for her. “I love you so much.” She looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes and he smiled down at her.

“I love you too. Now go straighten out your life, like a good girl.”

“It may take a little time.” They walked slowly back towards City Hall. She had to go back to work.

“That's all right. How about two days?” They both laughed. “We could go to Mexico over the holidays.”

She cringed. She had already promised Jack she would go skiing with him. But she had to do something now. “Give me till the first of the year and I promise I'll straighten everything out.”

“Then maybe I'll go to Mexico alone.” He frowned pensively and she glanced worriedly at him. “What are you worried about, little one?”

“That you'll fall in love with someone else.”

“Then hurry up.” He laughed at her, and kissed her again before she went back to court. And all afternoon she sat on the bench with a strange expression in her eyes, a small smile on her lips. She couldn't concentrate on anything, and when she saw Jack that night, she felt breathless every time she looked at him. He wanted to know if she had all her skiing gear. The condo was rented and they were going with friends, and then suddenly halfway through the evening, she stood up and looked at him.

“What's wrong, Tan?”

“Nothing … everything.…” She closed her eyes. “I have to go.”

“Now?” He looked furious. “Back to town?”

“No.” She sat down and started to cry. Where could she begin? What could she say? He had finally driven her away, with his resentment of her work and her success, his bitterness, his unwillingness to commit. She wanted something now that he didn't have to give, and she knew she was doing the right thing, but it was so difficult. She stared unhappily up at him, sure of what she was doing now. She could almost feel Russ sitting next to her, and Harry on the other side, cheering her on. “I can't.” She looked at Jack and he stared at her.

“Can't what?” He was mystified. She wasn't making any sense and that was unusual for her.

“Can't go on like this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's no good for either of us. You've been pissed at me for the past year, and I've been miserable.…” She stood up and walked across the room, glancing at familiar things. This house had been part hers for two years, and now it looked like a stranger's house to her. “I want more than this, Jack.”

“Oh, Christ.” He sat down, looking furious. “Like what?”

“Like something permanent, like what Harry and Averil had.”

“I told you, you'll never find something like that. That was them. And you're not like Averil, Tan.”

“That's no excuse to give up. I still want someone for the rest of my life who's mine, who's willing to stand up in front of God and man and take me on for the rest of my life.…”

He looked at her, horrified. “You want me to marry you? I thought we agreed.…” He looked terrified but she shook her head and sat down again.