Gilded Wings

With love, to my beautiful children and wonderful fiancé, for their patience whilst Mummy writes her first Novel.



Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23



She had fallen. Fallen into the depths of despair.

My beautiful Angel’s wings had been shattered into a thousand beautiful fragmented shards.

I would protect her. I would repair her wings piece by piece, until finally she would be free to soar again.

Chapter 1

Apprehension paralyzed me. His gentle finger softly caressed my inner thigh. Methodically stroking further along towards my… I tensed instantly at his intimate attempt. My heart began to race. Quickening at every slight movement. Yearning to enjoy this sensation. The warmth of his warm slender fingers touching me everywhere. The feeling of intimacy between myself and the man I had loved for a little over three years. Wanting to lusting and desire; yet my head wanted other things. It wouldn’t surrender the nagging conclusion that this felt anything other than wrong. My mind refused to relinquish my body. Irrational logic denying myself from indulging. Desire was a menial distant memory, pushed to the farthest quarters of my mind. Inexplicable doubt reared its ugly head at our impending intimacy. Every time. I was furious with myself and my body. The irrational refusal of my libido. I couldn’t stop thinking. Analyzing. Over thinking. I knew what was coming and a lump hit my throat.

“What is wrong with you?” he snapped. “Why won’t you let me touch you?”

The desperation of Henry needing to know why was all over his face. His eyes looked saddened, confused yet fiercely dark. I didn’t want to end up in an argument with him. I didn’t want to confirm to him the lack of desire I felt for him. I peered past him, not knowing what else to do. Not wanting to say the wrong thing. My mouth only ever seemed to make a situation worse. Any situation. I focused through the darkness of our bedroom and my eyes fixed to the ambient light of the moon. It looked so beautiful gleaming through our sash window, serene and tranquil against the midnight sky. An involuntary tear fell, rolling down my cheek onto my slightly parted lips. The salty taste only spurring on more tears. My heart. My head. My soul ached. It ached for the pain I knew I was inflicting on Henry. The hurt and confusion I knew he was writhed with. And selfishly for the inexplicable pain I was feeling.

I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but my words stayed sombre, circling repetitively around in my head like a merry-go round that would not stop. My head was filled with a mass of unanswered questions. Confusion consumed me.

His beautiful green eyes gazed into mine. He looked lost and I had caused it. All of it. I shrugged my shoulders in an attempt to ease my silence, to try and make it more bearable. Gently his soft thumb reached up to wipe away the tears from my flushed skin. His lips silently pressed upon my forehead before he rolled onto his side to drift asleep.

I lay back in bed sinking my head into my soft warm pillow. Wrapping the duvet around me hoping it would give me the reassurance and comfort I needed. I was deflated, wishing myself to stop pushing away the most perfect man in my life.

I stared into the bleak darkness for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn’t help but watch him sleep thinking how blessed I was to have such perfection lying next to me. He wanted to spend his life with me. He had chosen me, little old me. I needed to sort this out, but firstly I need to find out what this was.

* * *

“Morning beautiful.” I awoke to his charming smile beaming down at me. The touch of his hand brushing the side of my face was unnecessarily kind. Considering the lack of enthusiasm I showed for his touch last night. He placed a light but adoring kiss upon my lips. As he leaned back I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m sorry” I whispered. I couldn’t bare to look at him and rekindle the emotional pain from last night.

“It’s ok, maybe another night,” he smirked and climbed out of bed.

“Where are you going?” I asked eagerly as I reached across to the clock resting on my side table. 5.30am. My God. 5.30am, no one is meant to see this time of day. It was a Saturday and I was already bitterly unimpressed that I had to meet Henrys Mother for our brunch date. An additional two hours of sleep were well required if I wished to have any attempt at being coherent for her. That woman was positively abhorrent.

“I need to collect something,” he said with a wry grin. He tapped his nose and winked as he slipped on his faded Levi’s. They hung perfectly off of his amazingly ripped physique. I couldn’t help but admire. He was mine, all mine. Right at that moment my self-conscience felt the need to interrupt my thoughts with a ‘your managing to fuck it up pretty well though’. I shook my head trying to release the iniquitous thought.

I was going make this right. I will resolve these issues I have and Henry and I will be happy. That seemed practical enough. It had to be. Henry is all I know. What would I do without him? Who would I be without him? That was the more poignant question. Henry slid on his top and pecked me on the head.

“I won’t be long baby”.

I closed my eyes trying desperately to drift in to a peaceful sleep again. After fifteen minutes of tossing and turning I had surcome to the realization that I was not going to evoke any sleep now. I sat up in bed and flicked on the laptop to check my emails. Whilst the laptop was starting up I started to ponder what had actually happened last night. Again.

How could I do it again? What the hell is wrong with me? I need to change. Starting from now. I knew I had to or I was going to lose the best thing in my life.

I ran the hot tap to the shower and slid off my silk nightdress. It slid over my breasts, gliding past my hips, dropping to the floor. I stepped into the steaming hot shower and tried to wash away last night’s encounter from my mind.

My daze of tranquillity was cut short by a repetitive knocking at the door. I shut off the shower. Grabbing my towel I wrapped it around my dripping wet body. I ran downstairs and opened the front door.

“EVIE!!!” she practically screamed with excitement. I couldn’t hold the grin from my face. Lucy had decided to spread her wings and go globetrotting. For the past twelve months I was impatiently waiting for the impending day that she flew back. It had been far too long without my best friend. I was giddy with excitement at her return.

“Your back! When did you get back? I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow!” Lucy flung her arms around me. I went to hug her back but resisted the urge, deciding against dropping my towel and standing on my doorstep butt naked for my elderly neighbours to see. It would be the hot topic of the street and I was not in the mindset to be the point of discussion.

“Hey Luce, give me a minute while I just throw some clothes on.” I pointed her in the direction of the living room while I ran upstairs.

Lucy and I had met in High school. She was flamboyant and confident. Her smile and personality was contagious. She could lift anyone’s spirits with her simple thoughtful analogies of any situation. Everyone loved Lucy. Girls tried to be her and boys wanted her. She was a picture of womanly precision. Her soft blonde curls of silk framed her golden tanned face. Her eyes were a shade of warm sienna framed by the longest eyelashes I had ever seen.

“Hurry Up Evie” she called from downstairs.

My mind jolted back to reality. I slipped into my favourite pair of skinny jeans, which I have been informed by Lucy are my ‘sexy ass jeans’ and pulled on a cream t shirt. Simple.

I flicked on the kettle and then Lucy looked at me with a wry grin on her face. “Go on then, give me all of the juicy details.” I half smirked and rolled my eyes. There was only one reason Lucy ever had that twinkle in her eyes. A man. In the past two years there had been Tod, Mark, Melvin (yes Melvin), Danny, Tristian, and most recently Sam. Sam was the ultimate love of her life. Lucy had always been so coy with her feelings, always leaving them before she had a chance to leave her. Her mother had been on her fourth marriage because of this Lucy didn’t see love the way in which we all dream it possible, carriages, flowers, hearts and kisses. No Lucy didn’t believe in that; not until she met Sam. Sam was charming, handsome but very, very conceited. He left her after cheating on her for two months with his assistant. Lucy slipped into a routine of cry, eat, sleep. This went on for weeks until she decided she had enough. Lucy’s answer to this? — Fly half way across the world by yourself for twelve months and ignore reality. So that is exactly what she did.

“He is amazing, oh Evie you should have been there, he is gorgeous, and well very fuckable, not that I have yet,” she backtracked, “but soon, very soon, I don’t know how much longer I can hold off from ripping his trousers from his sexy ass”.

I grimaced at the thought, “too much info Luce”. She giggled at me. “So what’s his name? Where did you meet him?”

“Well, it was so surreal, kinda like karma. I was in the hotel checking out and there he was in the queue for the coach to take us to the airport.” I could see her smile at the memory of first meeting him. She carried on, “So we were kinda making eyes at each other on the ride, but, there was no way I was making the first move. I am so over that. Anyways, I boarded the plane and there he was, sitting next to my seat. I must of triple checked the ticket for my seat number, it was mad.”

“So… what happened?”

“Well he introduced himself. He is in some band and lives in Clapham, can you believe it, we couldn’t be any closer if we wanted, so we shared a cab back and I crashed at his last night. Can you believe it! We just made out and slept together, all night, just SLEPT.” She accentuated every letter of slept with precise definition.

I loved seeing her happy. I just wish I felt a little more like she did. I wish I had that burning desire to pounce on Henry and make love the way we used too. My mind wandered to the stairs, the kitchen table, the…

“Soooo” Lucy said looking at me and interrupting my erotic thoughts. She was obviously fishing for gossip with me and Henry.

“We’re fine, he is good, working loads, you know, the usual I suppose” I replied hesitantly.

She looked concerned. She had seen it. My look of doubt. I myself doubted whether we were fine. She tilted her head to the side. Her face beautifully endearing.

“Oh Evie, why do you look so down? Talk to me.”

I looked at her and without hesitation I let the words leave my lips.

“I don’t know what I want anymore.” I had never admitted it out loud before, but I was confused and I was doubting our relationship. Logic told me I needed Henry but my heart urged me to reacquaint myself with reality and look at our relationship for what it was. I needed some sort of advice, or better still a slap round the face to wake me up from these incoherent thoughts. I hoped Lucy would be the one to shake me out of this rut. She was my subconscious. There were no lies between us. Ever.

“We haven’t, you know, had sex in two months.” I continued, “It’s not him, he, well, he tries, really tries, but, well I just, I just don’t want to”.

“Oh Evie, why didn’t you say something?” She looked at me with sincerity in her voice, pure concern for how I was feeling.

“I don’t know Luce, what was I meant to say? I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it, I just don’t know what to make of it.” I paused. “I love him Luce, I just don’t know if I’m you know, in love, I think I am, but… it’s just I don’t really want sex much.” Tears started pour. I couldn’t quite control myself. The overwhelming fear that I knew the inevitable and where these feeling would lead me scared me half to death. How could I not be in love with the vision of perfection that I had to call mine? Luce wrapped her arms around me and I sobbed a little harder.