L. Miller - Gilded Wings

I was making this conscious decision to forgive him. Every bone in my speculative body required answers. I needed to rationalise this. I needed to give myself clear concise reasoning as to why the man who wanted to spend his life with me could do this. How could I expect this? I was just as unfaithful. I slept with Connor. What is more disconcerting is that I wanted too. I enjoyed his lips on mine. The feeling of him inside of me. How could I expect place blame on Henry for his misdemeanours when I was unwilling to inform him of mine?

My body lurched forward. I felt the bile rise in the back of my throat. All of this worrying was making me physically sick. I ran to the basin and allowed myself to expel every ounce of my stomach into the running water. I couldn’t deal with this angst much longer. Our Wedding was in thirteen days. I needed to marry him knowing I could be enough for all of his needs.

I lay back in the garden hammock. The tranquillity was exquisite. The sky was piercing blue with hues of white scattered clouds floating. Warmth from the sun encapsulated me and I allowed myself to delve into the world of my fictitious romance novel.

* * *

“Hey Baby”. Henry caressed my cheek.

“Sorry I must have fallen asleep”. I looked into his eyes and I felt undivided anger towards him. “How has your trip been?” I couldn’t hide the sarcasm from my voice. Sitting up in the hammock I stepped down and walked towards the patio table.

“It’s been good thanks. Did you have a good couple of weeks?”

“Not too bad. I would assume yours was better?” I hissed.

“You’re still pissed at me for going then I take it? It was work Evie. Fucking work. Grow up”.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, please forgive me, I have just been ill the past few days”.

“Okay, as long as this is the end of it, I don’t want you dragging up my work anymore. Understood?”

“Yes, of course, like I said I have just been ill and a bit grouchy”.

“Good”.

Glancing at the time, I had realised it was a little after five, “So what would you like for dinner tonight?” I offered, breaking the tense silence.

“How about something simple, as you have been ill? I’m happy with a stir-fry. I don’t want you going to too much trouble.”

“Okay, perfect darling, I will go and put it on.”

I lifted myself out of the hammock and headed towards toward the patio doors.

“Evie” he called after me.

“Yes Henry?”

“I missed you baby, sorry you have been ill.” He leaned his head down and offered my lips a soft kiss. This was the Henry I loved, the kind considerate man.

I grabbed the vegetables and started slicing them whilst the chicken sizzled in the wok. The golden tone of the chicken indicated time for the vegetables to be thrown in. I doused it again in ground nut oil and let the vegetables soften until the noodles went in.

“Something smells good.” The sound of Henry’s voice startled me.

“It will only be a few minutes darling, you can sit down and I will bring the dishes over.”

Henry pulled out the chair in pushed himself into the dining table. “So, have you sorted you dress out yet?”

“Oh yes, all done” I smiled, carrying over two plates filled with the warm stir-fry.

As I sat down opposite Henry I couldn’t help but question the love, or incidentally, lack of love I was feeling for this man before me. I love part of him. His compassionate side. The small slither of kindness that he has within him. I love his beautiful smile, his determination. I detest the mess of a person he has made me into. Perhaps I detest myself. Henry cannot possibly be to blame for my actions, my self-hatred. The loathing of committing adultery. I feel sick to my deepest core for what I had done.

Conversation lingered, unspoken words passed through the tense atmosphere. Weighing down on my demeanour.

“What the fuck is this?” He spat at me. Pure anger filled his eyes, his teeth clenched as he spoke the words. My dressing gown was flung across the bed, he flung the white folded card in my face “Thanks for last night?” he bite out at me.

“It’s not what you think Henry, I swear, just let me explain.”

He strode towards me grasping me by the collar of my blouse. His breath burning in my face. “I’m waiting.”

“When, when… you were away, Lex, Lucy, Travie and Connor came over for pizza. The guys ditched and left us with the cleaning up in the morning so Connor sent over cleaning maids with this note.” I was so scared, my heart was racing and I couldn’t think straight. He pushed me back releasing me blouse. I stumbled a little but managed to keep myself upright.

“You fucking liar.”

“Please Henry, please”. His hand raised. “You’re a fine one to talk”, I sobbed.

“You what? I didn’t quite hear that Evie, care to enlighten me?”

“No, nothing”

He grabbed me by my hair, “It didn’t sound like nothing, now what did you say?”

“Please let go of me Henry, you’re hurting me.” His fists tightened against my hair, I could feel every pin prick of pain Every follicle being tested to its extreme limits.

“You better start talking then.”

“You are one to talk Henry, Did you enjoy using the beads with Antonia?” I couldn’t help but smirk, out of sheer disgust.

“You stupid bitch” he bit out. His face was enraged. My hair released and I was free from his clutches, momentarily.

“I would have assumed the words out of your mouth might be I’m sorry? Wouldn’t you think so Henry?” I had pushed him too far. I saw the change in his eyes. They turned wild, his pupils enlarged, full of rage. Dark anger. Why didn’t I just shut up.

I felt the force of his fist first. It collided with my jaw with such impact that I fell backwards into the bedroom wall first. My legs gave way under the shock and my head bounced off of my bed side table. The pain set in next. Burning, blistering heat scorching its way along the aching path to my jaw.

“Sorry? If you weren’t such a frigid bitch then I wouldn’t need to fuck someone else”.

I couldn’t suppress my tears. “I’m sorry”, I whispered. So silent it was almost inaudible. Sorry for sleeping with Connor, sorry for bringing up his affair.

“Sorry? Don’t make me laugh Evie. That’s all you have got for me? You should be asking me to forgive you. I give you everything and all I ask for is you do fulfil your duties. How hard is it for you to spread your legs once in a while? You are nothing without me. You have no money, no home, no job, and no family. I suggest you get out of my sight until you realise that I have been nothing but good to you”.

I raised my hand to cup my jaw. The luke warm dampness of blood seeped through my fingers. I clambered together and ran from our bedroom. Rapidly descending the stairs, I grabbed my car keys and grounded to a halt. The realisation that I had nowhere to run to came crashing down around me, he was all I had. I was as unfaithful and as low as him. I needed time to think, to be alone. I crept to my studio and painted. I painted until I had nothing left to say. I allowed myself to tap into the raw pain and emotion. Letting it drip onto the canvas as an extension of my inner most deep rooted fears. Each stroke represented the pain, the hurt, the dishonesty. The release of emotional pain was draining.

I was lost and I was alone.

I tiptoed through our bedroom doorway cautiously. Fear swamping me. Anxiety constricting each thrumming beat of my heart.

He wasn’t there.

I slipped into the empty cold king sized bed hoping that today would fade into a distant memory and that this could be put behind us. This didn’t have to be the end of us. Henry was upset at the thought of my being with someone else. That showed his dedication to me. Or perhaps his possession? My stomach instantaneously lurched when I heard footsteps in the doorway. The door crept open and light from the landing penetrated through.

Henry stepped into the room. His head hung in shame.

“I’m so sorry”.

I hadn’t realised that I had been holding my breath. I inhaled deeply. Is this what was to be, his striking of me to plague my every waking hour? I needed to forgive Henry for this, to set myself free to trust and love him. Otherwise I would restrict myself to living my life within these gilded walls, forever being a victim of my own fear.

“It’s ok”, my voice trembling. I sat up and placed myself sitting on the edge of the bed.

Henry fell to his knees in front of me. Wrapping his arms around my thighs, sobbing. I involuntarily tensed at his hold. Subconsciously I was still afraid of his touch.

“It is not ok Evie. I am so sorry. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have gone away with her… I. shouldn’t have hit you”.

“I wasn’t exactly fulfilling my duties as your partner. I am sorry too Henry”.

“I know, I know, baby”. “Please don’t leave me” he sobbed harder pushing his face in to my lap.

“I won’t leave you Henry”. I pushed my hands through his hair. “I am tired though. I would like to get some sleep”.

“Of course”. Henry stood. His eyes focusing on my purple toned jaw. He leant down and kissed with such tenderness the area in which he damaged. I flinched. I couldn’t comprehend how he could have been so angry and then repent his actions so swiftly. For the first time in my life I understood some of the reasoning behind my mother’s decisions.

* * *

The room was perfumed with a vulgar mix of perspiration and whisky. He looked directly at me. Nothing but pure evil filled his gun metal grey eyes. They sank into me. Bore a hole through me. His irises were full of excitement. Raven black. His manipulating smile. The sound of his hoarse voice.

“Just a bit too late” he sneered at me. He raises the slick black revolver and placed it against his temple. His smile never left his mouth. He was enjoying every minute of this.

“Told her I would get her”. My stomach lurched into my mouth, I was hyperventilating.

BANG. The bullet penetrated his skull. Claret blood splattered against the pastel floral wall paper. His body slumped into a heap in front of me. The last face he saw was mine. He had what he wanted. The pleasure of seeing my face knowing what he had done.

Knowing there was nothing I could do to save her. Her hand, her tiny porcelain hand was in clear view of the doorway to the back of the house. So fragile, so still. No, please no, wake up. Wake up. She was too still. Too pale.

Sweat poured down my face onto my chest. I was panting into the darkness. Looking for an indication that this was not real. I reached for the lamp and glanced around my bedroom. A dream.

I longed for Connor to hold me, to protect me. I was following my mother’s course.

* * *

“Morning”, he smiled at me. Testing my reaction to him. “I brought your breakfast in bed.”

I glanced down at the slightly charred toast and glass of orange juice. Henry was notoriously lacking in the kitchen. But his effort was there. That meant something.

“Thanks”

“I have to go into the office today but I will be back for six.”

“Okay.”

“I am sorry Evie, I will never touch you again. I promise. I will be the husband you need, you deserve”, he paused “please don’t leave me”. A sob erupted from his voice.

“It’s ok Henry. I told you I won’t leave you”. Guilt consumed me.

He kissed my lips tenderly, “thank you, I am so sorry darling, so sorry.”

“Let’s forget about it, you should get going to the office”.

“Okay darling. Bye, see you tonight. Don’t cook. I will order in”.

I took a bite of the toast. It tasted foul. Taking a mouthful of orange juice to try and dislodge the taste of ash from my mouth. My stomach heaved.

I ran to the bathroom and caught the basin just in time. My body had removed the unwanted mix of toast and orange juice leaving me feeling irrationally weak. I ran the water of the faucet to refresh myself, hurdling mouthfuls of the crisp cool water into my mouth, wanting to remove the vile taste of bile from my throat. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the overhead mirror. I carefully looked over my lacerated face. Purple bruising surrounded it in blotches. It was hideous. There was no way to hide it. The pain that emanated from it was intense. I needed pain relief now.