OH, MY GOD. It is EXTREMELY hard to be lifemates with a musician. Talk about marching to your own drummer.

Michael marches to his own BAND.

I know Michael and Trevor and Felix and Paul are cool and all, but I still fail to see what is so lame about the prom. I mean, you get to elect a Prom King and Queen. At what other social function do you get to elect monarchs to rule over the proceedings? Hello, how about none.

But whatever. I am not going to let Michael's refusal to act like a typical male seventeen year old get in the way of my enjoyment of this evening. You know, the family togetherness my mom and Mr. G and I are currently having. We are all

having a nice time watching Miracle Pets. An old lady had a heart attack and her pet pig walked TWENTY miles to get help.

Fat Louie wouldn't walk to the corner to get help for me. Or he might, but he would soon be distracted by a pigeon and run

off, never to be seen again, while my corpse rotted on the floor.






Asperger's syndrome


A Report

by

Mia Thermopolis


The condition known as Asperger's syndrome (also known as Pervasive developmental disorder) is marked by an inability to function normally in social interactions with others (wait a minute . . . this sounds like ... ME!).

The person suffering from Asperger's exhibits poor non-verbal communication skills (oh, my God - this is ME!!!!!!!!!),

is unsuccessful in developing relationships with peers (also me), is incapable of expressing pleasure in the happiness of others (wait - this is totally Lilly), and does not react appropriately in social situations (ME ME ME!!!!!!!). There is a higher incidence of the syndrome in males (OK, not me). Frequently, sufferers of Asperger's syndrome are socially inept (ME). When tested, however, many score in the above average intelligence range (OK, not me - but Lilly, definitely) and will often excel infields like science, computer programming and music (oh, my God! Michael! No! Not Michael! Anyone but Michael!).

Symptoms may include:

• Abnormal non-verbal communication — problems with eye contact, facial expressions, body postures or

uncontrolled gesturing (ME! AlsoBoris!).

• Inability to develop relationships with peers (totally me. Also Lilly).

• Labelled by other children as 'weird' or 'freakish' (this is creeping me out!!! Lana calls me a freak nearly every day!!!).

• A typical or noticeably impaired expression of pleasure in other people's happiness (LILLY!!!! She is NEVER happy for ANYONE!!!!!!).

• Lack of response to social or emotional feelings (LILLY!!!!!!).

• Inability to be flexible regarding minor trivialities, such as alterations to specific routines or rituals (GRANDMERE!!!!!! ALSO MY DAD!!!!!!! Also Lars. And Mr G).

• Continuous or repetitive finger tapping, hand wringing, knee jiggling or whole body movements (well, this is totally Boris, as anyone who has ever seen him play Bartok on his violin could attest).

• Obsessive interest or concern with subjects such as world history, rock collecting or plane schedules (or possibly - PROM????????? Does being obsessed with the prom count? Oh, my God, I have Asperger's syndrome! I totally have Asperger's!!!! But wait. If I have it, so does Lilly. Because she is obsessed with Jangbu Pinasa. And Boris is obsessed with

his violin. And Tina with romance novels. And Michael with his band. Oh, my GOD!!!!!!!! We ALL have Asperger's syndrome!!!!!!!! This is terrible. I wonder if Principal Gupta knows???????? Wait . . . what if AEHS is a special Asperger's syndrome school? And none of us know it? Until now, that is ... I am going to bust the whole thing wide open! Like Woodward and Bernstein! Mia Thermopolis, forging a path for Asperger's sufferers everywhere!).

• Obsessive concern or attention to parts of objects rather than the whole (I don't know what this means, but it sounds

like ME!!!!!!!!).

• Repetitive behaviours, generally self-injurious in nature (BORIS!!!!!!! Dropping globes on his head!!!!!!!!! But wait,

he only did that once . . .).

Symptoms not included in Asperger's:

• No indication of language retardation (duh. We are all excellent talkers) or of retardation in typical age-appropriate curiosity (seriously. I mean, Lilly got to second base already and she is only in the ninth grade).

First identified in 1944 as 'Autistic Psychopathy' by Hans Asperger, the cause of this disorder is still unknown. Asperger's syndrome may possibly be related to autism. There is no known cure for Asperger's at this time, and indeed, some case subjects do not consider the disorder an impairment at all. To eliminate other causes, physical, emotional and mental evaluations are usually administered to suspected cases of Asperger's.

Lilly, Michael, Boris, Tina and I ALL need to take these tests!!!!! Oh, my God, we've had Asperger's all along and never knew!!!! I wonder if Mr. Wheeton knows, and that's why he assigned me this condition!!!!! This is spooky . . .

Tuesday, May 6, the Loft


I just went into my mother's bedroom (Mr G is on an emergency run to Grand Union to secure more Haagen-Dazs for her)

and demanded to know the truth about my mental health status.

'Mother,' I said. Am I, or am I not, a sufferer of Asperger's syndrome?'

My mom was trying to watch a bunch of episodes of Charmed she'd taped. She says Charmed is actually a very feminist show because it portrays young women who fight evil without the help of males, but I notice that a) they often fight while wearing halter tops, and b) my mother takes a special interest in the episodes where men take their shirts off.

But whatever. In any case, her reply to me was way cranky.

'For God's sake, Mia,' she said. Are you doing another report for Health and Safety?'

'Yes,' I said. And it is clear to me that you have been hiding from everyone the fact that I am a sufferer of Asperger's

syndrome, and that, in fact, you send me to a special school for Asperger's sufferers. And the lying has got to stop now!'

She just looked at me and went, Are you seriously trying to tell me that you don't remember last month, when you were convinced you had Tourette's syndrome?'

I protested that this was totally different. Tourette's is a disorder characterized by multiple motor and vocal tics that begin prior to the age of eighteen, and at the time we were studying it in class, my constant use of words such as 'like' and 'totally' seemed totally characteristic of the disease.

Is it my fault that generally the tics are accompanied by involuntary bodily movements, from which I apparently don't suffer?

'Are you trying to say,' I demanded, 'that I don't have Asperger's syndrome?'

'Mia,' my mother said. 'There is nothing wrong with you. You are one hundred per cent Asperger's syndrome-free.

I couldn't believe this, however, after everything I'd read.

'Are you SURE?' I asked. 'What about Lilly?'

My mom snorted. 'Well. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Lilly is normal. But I highly doubt she is suffering from Asperger's.'

Damn! I wish she were. Lilly, I mean. Because then I might be able to forgive her. For calling me weak, I mean.

But as she has no disease, there is no excuse for the way she's treated me.

I have to admit, I'm a little sad I don't have Asperger's. Because now my obsession with the prom is just that: my obsession with the prom. And not a symptom of a disease over which I have no control.

Just my luck!

Wednesday, May 7, 3:30 a.m.


I realize now what I am going to have to do. I mean, I think I knew it all along, and I was just blocking it. Which isn't surprising, considering that every fibre of my being is crying out against it.

But really, what choice do I have? Michael himself even said it: he'd go to the prom if the guys from his band were going too.

Oh, God, I can't believe it has come to this. My life really IS going down the toilet if this is the low to which I am forced to stoop.

I'll never be able to get to sleep now. I just know it. I am too filled with dread.





The Atom


The Official Student-Run Newspaper of Albert Einstein High School

Take Pride in the AEHS Lions


Week of May 12


Volume 456/Issue 28


Notice to all Students:


As we enter final exams in the next few weeks, school administrators would like us to review the

AEHS mission statement and beliefs:

Mission Statement

It is Albert Einstein High School's mission to provide students with learning experiences that are technologically relevant, globally orientated and personally challenging.

Beliefs:

1. The school must provide a diverse curriculum that includes a strong academic programme enhanced by numerous electives.

2. A well-supported and diverse extra-curricular programme is an essential supplement to the academic programme in helping students explore a wide range of interests and abilities.

3. Students must be encouraged to develop

responsible behaviour and accountability for their actions.

4. Tolerance and understanding of different cultures and viewpoints must be encouraged at all times.

5. Cheating or plagiarism will not be condoned in any form, and can lead to suspension or expulsion.

The administration would like the student body to be aware that in the coming exam period, it intends to enforce point 5 with vigilance. Forewarned is forearmed.

Incident at Les Hautes Manger


by Mia Thermopolis


Having been asked by this paper to provide an account of what occurred last week at the restaurant Les Hautes Manger, at which this reporter was present, it must be noted that the entire thing was the fault of this reporter's grandmother, who smuggled her dog into the restaurant. The said dog's ill-timed break for freedom caused busboy Jangbu Pinasa to drop a soup-laden tray on to the Dowager Princess of Genovia's person. The consequent dismissal of Jangbu Pinasa was both unfair and possibly unconstitutional. Though this reporter isn't sure, due to her lack of familiarity with said constitution. It is this reporter's feeling that Mr. Pinasa should be given his job back.

Editorial


While it is not the policy of this paper to print anonymous submissions, the following poem so neatly sums up what so many

of us are feeling at this time of year that we decided to run it anyway. - Ed.

Spring Fever


By Anonymous




Sneaking away during lunch -

Taco salad, the kind with the meat in it, and the Green Goddess dressing. God, why do they do that to us?

We find that Central Park beckons - Green grass and daffodils pushing their way out from underneath

a blanket of cigarette butts and crumpled soda cans. So we make a run for it - Did they see us? I don't

think so.

Can we get In-School suspension for a first offence? I guess anything is possible. Let's sit on the bench and try to get a tan ... Only to find, to our dismay, that we've left our sunglasses back in our lockers.



Please note: It is the policy of this administration to suspend any and all students who leave campus during school hours for WHATEVER REASON. Spring Fever is not an acceptable excuse for violating this school policy.

Student Injured by Globe


by Melanie Greenbaum


An AEHS student suffered an in-class injury yesterday due to a large globe that fell, or was dropped on his head. If it was

the latter, this reporter feels it necessary to ask: where was the adult supervision at the time said globe was dropped? And if it was the former, why is this administration allowing dangerous objects such as globes to be placed at heights from which they might fall and cause injury to our students? This reporter demands a thorough investigation.