Maya Banks - Giving In

She hurriedly changed, not wanting to chance him returning and seeing her naked. She tossed aside her work clothes and slid into the much more comfortable shirt and sweat pants.

They smelled of him. It was almost as good as having him wrapped around her. Almost but not quite. She slid back underneath the covers and inhaled deeply, savoring his scent on the pillow next to her.

It was a ridiculous thing to do but she quickly exchanged her pillow for his, glancing guiltily at the doorway to make sure he hadn’t seen. But she wanted his pillow. Wanted his scent surrounding her.

She settled back down, closing her eyes, savoring the warmth and comfort of his bed, his pillow and his clothing. Him.

A few moments later, he came back into the bedroom carrying a tray. She hastily sat up, plumping her pillow behind her back as he set the tray in front of her.

Waffles and bacon. Perfect.

“This looks wonderful,” she said huskily. “Thank you.”

He scooted onto the bed beside her so they were shoulder to shoulder.

“Eat up,” he encouraged. “I don’t want a single bite left over.”

She grinned as she swallowed a scrumptious bite. “Admit it. You love getting to boss me around. It’s that whole dominant thing you have going on.”

He looked surprised at the ease with which she spoke of the matter. It surprised her as well. It should freak her out. Certainly everything else had. And yet she knew to her soul that this man would never willfully hurt her. She might not know much else, but she did know that. Maybe it made her a trusting fool, but she felt safe with him. He’d seen her at her most vulnerable and he didn’t lord it over her. He didn’t try to press his obvious advantage. He treated her like she was precious. Breakable. With tenderness she didn’t fully comprehend but that she savored wholly.

“You’ll learn in time that you have all the power where I’m concerned,” he said in a serious tone. “And that I have none.”

She swallowed hard, the food stuck in her throat as she processed his declaration. Everything about him radiated authority and yet he was saying she had all the power? How was that even possible?

“What does that mean?” she asked in a low voice.

His gaze was intent, unfaltering, stroking over her face like sunshine. “What it means is that you’re in the driver’s seat, baby. Whatever happens from here on out is up to you. It means that when or if we make love, you’ll be in complete control and I will be at your mercy. It means that when it comes to you, I’m not dominant, nor do I have any desire to be. I am, in effect, at your feet.”

Whoa. How the hell was she even supposed to respond to that? Emotion knotted and welled in her throat and suddenly she felt like crying. Not because she was sad but because she was utterly overwhelmed by the magnitude of what he was offering her. This was not a man who made concessions like this lightly. Everything about him screamed dominant, alpha male. And yet he was willing to suppress what made him who he was for her.

She didn’t deserve this kind of gift. She wasn’t worthy of it. And the fact that he was offering it to her destroyed any wall she would have erected between them. She was defenseless against such unselfishness.

“I don’t know what to say,” she choked out.

“The first thing I want you to say is that you’ll stay here with me for the next several days. Let me take care of you. Let me work on building trust between us.”

“And the second?”

“I want you to give us a chance.”

“Is there an us?” she whispered.

“I want there to be,” he said sincerely. “But you have to want it too. If you only want it half as much as I do it’s a starting point.”

She held her breath until she was light-headed and then, before she could chicken out and tuck tail and run, just like she did in every other aspect of her life, she took the plunge.

“Yes and okay,” she said, the words tumbling out.

He blinked. “Be a little more specific, baby. I need to know what you’re saying here. This is too important for me to make assumptions or to think you’re saying something you aren’t.”

She sucked in a breath and blew it out, steadying herself before inevitable meltdown occurred. “Yes I’ll stay with you, and okay, I’ll give us a chance.”

The relief was so stark in his eyes that it was like a punch in the stomach. She hadn’t realized how much he wanted this—her. It was mind-boggling that they’d gone from antagonists to potential lovers, or something more than just acquaintances. She couldn’t quite make the leap to lovers in her mind because that night was still too bright in her mind.

He gently framed her face in his hands, turning her to face him. He stroked her cheekbones with his thumbs and then lowered his head, tenderly touching his lips to hers. He licked syrup from her lips in a light brush that sent a spark shooting through her veins.

Her body wanted him. Now her mind just had to follow suit. Her heart was in accord with her body. Now she just had to get her damn brain to stop freaking the fuck out every time things got heavy.

God, maybe she did need to see a shrink. She’d never even entertained the thought. She’d never had a solid reason to want to try and deal with her issues. But Jensen gave her that reason. He gave her hope. He gave her many things she’d never thought she’d have or even want to have.

“What did you mean when you said, uhm, that if we made love that I would be in control?” she asked hesitantly.

He stroked her face again, pushing her hair back as he stared into her eyes. “It means that if we decide to take that step that I will willingly put myself in a vulnerable position so you feel absolutely safe. Whatever that takes. But baby, it doesn’t have to be now. It doesn’t have to be soon. It will be whenever you’re ready for it to happen. I don’t want you to ever be pressured to offer me something you’re not ready to give. We have all the time in the world.”

“You’d wait that long?”

She tried to keep the doubt from her voice, but knew she failed miserably. Still, he didn’t look offended or angry at her skepticism. If anything his look grew even more tender.

“For the right woman, I’d wait forever.”

It came out as a solemn vow. There was absolutely no doubt in his voice and his conviction was unwavering.

She shook her head in wonder. “I don’t get it. I really don’t. I was so bitchy toward you. How could you possibly even like me?”

He smiled and placed his hand over her heart. “Because I could see through the prickly, protective barriers to the woman in here, and I liked what I saw. You didn’t fool me for a minute, baby. Maybe others are more easily fooled or perhaps they can’t be bothered to look beyond the exterior. That’s not who I am, though.”

“I like you,” she admitted. “A lot, actually. And I know you don’t think I trust you, but I do. I can’t even explain it to myself. But I feel safe with you. I tell you things I don’t tell other people.”

His smile broadened. “I’m very glad you feel safe with me, baby, because you are. Always. Absolutely. I will do anything and everything in my power to always keep you safe. Not just physically but emotionally as well. And I’m humbled by the fact that you’ve given me your trust. It’s a gift I don’t take lightly. I’ll do my best to ensure you never regret giving me that very precious gift.”

She sighed and leaned back, her gaze still on him. She was absorbed in him. How quickly he’d become her security blanket. How easily she found herself sharing things with him she’d never share with anyone else.

“I missed you while you were gone,” she admitted. “I was counting the hours and minutes until you got back. I wouldn’t let myself sleep after that first night. I was too afraid because I knew I’d have nightmares and you weren’t there. I didn’t feel safe.”

He picked up the tray and placed it on the floor on his side of the bed. Then he turned back to her and pulled her down into his arms until she was nestled against his side, her head resting on his shoulder.

“I should have never left you,” he said in a low voice. “I’m sorry I let you down, baby. It won’t happen again because from now on you come first. And I missed you too. I wrapped up things early so I could hurry home to you. I’ve never had anyone to come home to. It was a nice feeling. And then when I saw you, my heart nearly stopped. You scared me.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know I can be difficult. I don’t want to be. I want to be better, Jensen. I can be with you. I feel it. For the first time, I feel like it will be okay. That I don’t have to continue living like I have for so long. It’s kind of scary and yet exciting all at the same time. I don’t react to change very well as you’ve probably noticed.”

“We’re two peas in a pod, you and I,” Jensen said. “We’re more alike than you think. I understand you better than you think and in time you’ll understand me as well.”

“I want to,” she said honestly.

She turned her head up so she could see him.

“You said once that you had demons too. Will you tell me about them sometime?”

He picked up her hand and brought her fingertips to his lips. “One day, yes. But not right now. I don’t want anything to ruin right here and right now. You in my arms. Us just being. That’s a conversation for another day and time.”

She let it go because if he shared then she’d have to share as well and she was no more eager to ruin the moment than he was. She nestled back into his arms and let out a sleepy yawn.

He stroked a hand over her hair, further lulling her to sleep.

“Get some rest, baby,” he said. “You have a lot of sleep to catch up on. I’ll wake you for a late lunch and then you can stay up until bedtime tonight. We’ll stay in for dinner. Watch a movie. Whatever you want. But for now rest and know you’re safe.”

“I could fall in love with you so easily, Jensen,” she said in barely above a whisper. “That scares me. I’ve never allowed anyone to be in a position to hurt me. I’m not sure I like it at all.”

He kissed the top of her head. “That’s what establishing trust is all about. When you learn to trust in me fully, then the idea of loving me won’t scare you so badly because then you’ll know that I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

KYLIE watched as Jensen dressed for work Monday morning, indecision wracking her. This was a huge step in this trust thing she was working so hard at. The rest of last week and the weekend had been . . . beautiful. The best four days of her life. And she didn’t say that lightly, though God knew it wouldn’t take much to top her life up until now. Not that she was taking anything away from Jensen by acknowledging that, but she had to admit, she’d lived a pretty sterile existence up to now. Going through the motions but not taking risks and not really . . . living.

There had been no freak outs, no meltdowns, nothing even resembling her epic meltdown on their first date. But then Jensen hadn’t pressured her. He hadn’t made any kind of move on her. Their interactions had consisted of a few affectionate kisses, hardly the passionate, breath-stealing kind. Lots of snuggling and hugging.

She liked the hugs the best. It sounded silly, but her life had been devoid of true affection. Sure, her girlfriends were touchyfeely with her but that had never extended to a man. Even Tate and Dash always treated her very gingerly, never crossing the boundaries, ever mindful of her “issues.”

And most notably, since Jensen had brought her here, to his home, and they slept together each night, her nightmares had eased. Just peaceful, dreamless sleep, safe in his arms. That told her more than anything that she belonged with him. Maybe it made him her security blanket, and while the idea of depending on anyone else in the past may have freaked her out, she found with him it didn’t bother her. She’d achieved something far more precious than anything else during the last several days together. She’d achieved what she’d never allowed herself to hope for. Peace.

This morning she’d awakened, fully prepared to accompany Jensen into work, only he’d shut her down cold. And he couldn’t be swayed. Dash would be back in the office today. She knew the two men had talked the previous evening and had set up a meeting to discuss several matters. One of which concerned Kylie. She knew that much.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about being shut out. Not going to work. Not being there when she was being discussed. But Jensen had asked her to trust him in this. To remain at his home and be there when he returned from work. It was important to him and after all he’d put up with from her, it seemed a reasonable request.