"Toward the ball field," Gage said. "I'll cover you for mess hall duty."

"Thanks, I have a feeling this is going to take a while."

Carey found her sitting at a picnic table near the ball field. "Ten hut!"

Grace jumped off the bench and stood at attention, allowing the older woman to see the red-rimmed and puffy eyes. I'm sorry, Grace, but this can't go on any longer. "You drop and give me twenty, NOW!" She waited until Grace had finished that task and returned to attention. "Did you have permission to leave class?" she asked, her voice was firm and commanding.

"No, ma'am."

Carey moved to stand by Grace's right shoulder. "Did you tell Instructor Gage where you were going?"

"No, ma'am."

"Did Instructor Gage tell you to return to class?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And you chose to leave anyway, right?"

"Yes, ma'am," Grace said, using her sleeve to wipe the tears off her face.

"Did I tell you to move?" she asked, raising her voice.

"No, ma'am."

"Rule one, Grace, when you're at attention, You Don't Move!"

Seeing renewed tears streaming down her face, Carey found herself tempted to back off and be gentle but she knew this time, a hard push was needed. "Why did you leave?"

"I...I don't know, ma'am."

"You know," Carey said. "What's his name?" Grace hesitated. "His Name!" the concerned instructor yelled.

"B-Bob, ma'am."

Good girl, Carey thought to herself. "What did Bob do to you?"

"He...he..." Grace shook her head.

"WHAT DID HE DO?" Carey shouted. "SAY IT!"

"He...he...r-ra..." Grace's bottom lip quivered. "He...he..."

"He raped you," Carey said, finding the words hard to say herself. "Say it, Grace."

"H-he raped me," Grace cried, her shoulders slumping as sobs racked her body. "He raped me. He raped me. He came into my room and he...he held me down and...and..." She covered her face with her hands.

"Come here," Carey said softly, taking the teen into her arms. "I know, Grace," she whispered. "Let it out."

"He...he told me she wouldn't believe me," Grace sobbed. "An...and she didn't."

Carey took a deep breath, then released it slowly. "I believe you, Grace," she said, gently rubbing the teen's shaking back. "I believe you."

"I-I told him no," Grace cried, her voice muffled against Carey's shirt. "But he...h-he..." her voice trailed off into helpless sobs.

"I know," Carey said, rocking the teen in her arms. "You're doing great, Grace. Take your time, the words will come."

Carey looked up from the manual she was reading when Grace entered the cabin. "Did you find Instructor Gage?"

"Yes, ma'am," Grace said. "We…talked."

"Good." Carey said, gesturing at the couch. "Did you make it over to the mess hall?"

Grace sat down on the couch. "Yes, ma'am."

Carey waved her hand dismissively. "You're inside now, Grace. Did you eat anything?"

Grace shook her head. "I didn't feel like eating."

Carey left her chair and sat down on the cushion next to Grace. "If you get hungry, there's a plate in the fridge for you."

"Thanks."

"Talk to me," Carey urged gently.

Grace rested her elbows on her knees, leaning forward and staring at the coffee table. "I don't know what to say."

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I feel like someone took a blender and mixed everything up inside," Grace said. "I want to cry, I want to smash things, I want to just run away and hole up someplace where the pain can't get to me." She took a shaky breath. "It's like...something broke inside and all this pain is there and I don't know what to do."

"Something did break," Carey said softly, putting her hand on Grace's back and rubbing in slow, gentle circles. "That shell of attitude and anger that you hide behind finally broke and all the hurt you kept locked away so long wants to come out."

"It hurts," Grace said, a tear rolling down her cheek. "It hurts and I don't know what to do and I feel so damn alone." Her shoulders shook as the tears increased. "I need...I...I just need..."

"What?" Carey asked gently. "What do you need?" She was pushed back against the couch by the teen throwing herself into her arms. "I guess you need this," she said, putting her arms around Grace and continuing the comforting rubbing as tears soaked her shirt. "It's going to be all right. Go ahead and let it out. I've got you." She stroked the short blonde hair as the teen sobbed helplessly against her. "Let it out."

"Looks like it's time for lights out," Carey said, closing her book and setting it next to the table lamp. "It's going to be a busy day tomorrow."

"I feel like I could sleep for a week," Grace said.

"Long day for you," Carey said, walking over to the footlocker. "Do you want me to let you sleep in tomorrow?"

"No," Grace said. "I like getting up in the morning with you."

Her back to the teen, Carey smiled. I like our time in the morning too. "I think you just like being able to have coffee that doesn't come from a huge vat," she said, picking up the pillow and bed linens. "Don't think I didn't see you take a third cup this morning."

"You make good coffee," Grace said as she took the sheet. "Besides, you have half-and-half instead of that powdered junk."

"The luxuries of life," Carey said, tossing the pillow on the couch. "Don't let me get my coffee in the morning and you'll really see Instructor Scary." She laughed at the wide-eyed look. "You think I don't know what you girls call me?"

"I never say that," Grace said.

"I don't suppose you do," Carey said, pushing the blanket into her arms. "But I have heard bitch come out of that sweet little mouth of yours more than once."

"Not about you,” Grace said. "Well, not for a while, anyway."

Warmed by her words, Carey reached out and put her hand on Grace's shoulder. "I'm glad to hear it. I guess I won't have to lock my bedroom door in fear that you'll lynch me during the night, hmm?" Using her free hand, Carey cupped Grace's chin. "I know you've had a rough day and everything feels pretty raw right now. I care about you, Grace. Know that. I'm right in the next room if it gets too bad and you need to talk, okay?"

"Okay."

Carey patted her shoulder, then stepped back. "Now hit the sack. Five thirty will get here soon enough." She turned and started to her room.

"Carey?"

Carey stopped and faced her, surprised by the nervous tone in Grace's voice. "Yes?"

"Would it be all right to ask for a hug?"

Carey held her arms out. "Come here." Wrapping her arms around the smaller form, she pressed her cheek against the golden hair. "You're going to be all right, Grace. I know it."

"Hey," Jan said, bumping against her. "You doing better today?"

"I guess so," Grace said.

"Grace, we're friends, right?"

She nodded. "Right."

"So if you need to talk about something," Jan said. "I'm here. I know there's some things that you just don't want the Goon Squad to know about."

"Thanks," Grace said. "But I'll be okay."

Jan tugged on her elbow. "Come here." They walked to the side of the mess hall.

"Jan, we need to get in there."

"They won't notice we're missing for at least five or ten minutes," Jan said. "Christine told Latisha that you ran out of AM yesterday and at dinner you went through the line and left without coming anywhere near the table."

Grace shrugged. "Wasn't hungry."

"Yeah, I bet," Jan said, leaning against the building. "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Sure does."

"Scary spouts a lot in SR about abstinence but she doesn't understand it's not like we really had a choice." Jan looked off at the trees. "Right?"

Grace squatted down and picked up a stone. "She understands," she said, sending the stone skittering across the pavement. "How'd you know?"

"I guess when you've been through it, it's easy to pick out others," Jan said.

"I never thought that about you," Grace said. "Christine yes, but not you."

"It's easy with her," Jan said. "No one hates their father that much otherwise."

"Think others know? About me, I mean."

Jan shook her head. "No. You keep it pretty cool." She sank down until she was sitting on the ground, using the side of the building as a backrest. "Even if they did, who cares? Does it really matter to either of us about Christine?"

"No," Grace said. "She's okay."

"See? And after we're outta here, it's not like we'll ever see those people again. Why worry about it?" Jan picked up a stone and threw it. "I don't care if people know about my step-father. Wasn't my fault."

Grace pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Did you ever feel like it was?"

"You know how many counselors have asked me that?" Jan said. "I knew it was his fault, no question." She threw another stone. "I was thirteen. Sure as hell wasn't my idea."

"Hmm," Grace said. "I guess at thirteen it's pretty easy to see. Harder at fifteen."

"Is it?" Jan asked quietly, both teens looking at the trees and not each other.

"Yeah." More pebbles flew as Grace found the need to do something with her hands. “Hey, we'd better get in there."

"I suppose," Jan said, making no effort to move. "I remember when I was fifteen." She let the remaining stones in her hand drop to the ground. "Thought I had control over everything and everyone around me." She shook her head and gave a rueful smile. "Just goes to show how much I didn't know back then."

Grace rose to her feet. "Yeah, well...we'd better head in."

"Hey." Jan stood up and bumped her. "I don't think it was your fault."

"Um...thanks."

"I mean it," Jan said, holding Grace's arm to keep her from walking away. "Remember what you said yesterday? About what you would do if you had to go back to live with your mother?"

"I remember," Grace said. "I'm never going back there."

"But even if something happens and you find yourself there, promise me you won't do it. We'll stay friends once we're out of here. If things ever get too rough for you, you can always come stay with me."

Grace looked at her. "I won't," she said. "I know I said that but I was just upset and everything. Besides, I'm getting out of here, out of Crestwood, then I'm going to go to college and get a degree. I'll never have to worry about living with my mother again."

"Grace? About that." Jan let go of her friend's arm. "I have to tell you something. I was worried about you yesterday and well, I told Scary what you said."

"You what?"

"I was worried," Jan said. "I didn't want you to do anything, you know, stupid."

"Carey didn't say anything to me about it," Grace said. "When did you tell her?"

"First period. Are you mad at me?"

Grace thought about it. "No. You weren't trying to get me in trouble."

"I wasn't," Jan agreed. "I was just worried, that's all."

"I guess if you came to me and said you were thinking about suicide, I'd probably tell someone too."

"Friends?"

"Friends," Grace said.

"Okay, enough of this serious shit," Jan said, giving a nudge with her elbow. "Let's go eat."

Feeling better than she had before, Grace nodded and looked up at the sky. Looks like it's going to be a nice day. "I hope we're having pancakes." They headed for the mess hall, unaware of the dark-haired woman standing around the side of the building who had heard nearly every word of their conversation.


FIVE MONTHS


Grace was surprised to see a very muddy Carey open the door. "Get newspapers and make a path to the kitchen for me, please," the instructor said.

"What happened?" Grace asked, taking the neatly folded paper from the coffee table and protecting the section of carpet between the door and the kitchen. "You look like you fell into the swamp."

"I smell like it too," Carey said, following the newspaper trail into the kitchen. "The swing rope broke." The once white, but now slimy brown, shirt was peeled off and tossed to the floor next to the washing machine. "Oh, that stinks."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Grace asked.

"No," Carey answered, pushing her shorts down, then sitting on the floor to unlace her boots. "Actually yes, get me a large bath towel, please."