"You make it sound so easy."

"It's only hard if you let it be."

"Was it easy for you?"

"Once I realized what my life would be like without Saphira in it, it was the easiest decision I've ever made. I've never regretted it... even with the hardships we've experienced, because we've been together. And that's enough for me. You'll have to determine what's best for you, Charisma - but regardless of what you choose, you're going to have to learn the art of giving."

"I can't make any promises."

"I'm not asking you too."

Charisma held Esmeralda's eyes. "I have a feeling I'm going to have to learn a good many things."


Chapter LXXXII

Saturday morning Charisma called Ame and asked her to take Adam out for a while. "Anywhere," she instructed, "except the Natural History Museum. Kent is planning to take him there tomorrow."

"How about the Bounce House?"

Charisma cut her eyes at Ame, but nodded her reluctant agreement. "Call Turq. I don't want you riding out there on the Metro. And before you ask, McDonald's is fine for lunch as long as you make sure he gets milk to drink."

"What time would you like us home, Senator?"

"You can come home when you're ready Ame, but if I'm not downstairs, I'd like to ask you to stay here with Adam. Once I come downstairs, you'll be free to go."

"Of course Senator," Ame replied without inflection and Charisma felt the need to apologize.

"I'm sorry for taking so much of your personal time lately, Ame. I will try to make it up to you somehow." Ame shook her head and laid a hand on Charisma's arm lightly.

"It's all right, Senator. I don't have much use for personal time at the moment and Adam and I get along splendidly, don't we?" looking at Adam and smiling. He nodded his head enthusiastically. Charisma chuckled.

"Fair enough," Charisma replied. She knelt to look at Adam eye to eye. "You be good for Ame, okay?"

"Adam good boy," he assured his mother. She opened her arms and he jumped into them, giving Charisma a sloppy kiss and rubbing their noses together before letting go. When he stepped back, Charisma stood and turned back to Ame.

"I'll get him ready, Senator and take care of locking up when we leave. You go ahead and...." trailing off and motioning towards the stairs. "We've got it covered."

"Thanks, Ame," Charisma said. "Bye, son."

"Love Mama."

"Love you too, Adam." Then Charisma turned and headed upstairs without another word. She had one more selfish act to indulge in before she could do as Esmeralda had asked of her.

************

Charisma steeled herself as she crossed the threshold into her bedroom, closing the door and locking it firmly behind her. She leaned against the door and closed her eyes, breathing deeply for almost a full minute. Then she pushed away from the door and moved to her closet, flipping on the light and leaving the door open as she entered. Charisma made her way to the back and pulled out the plastic box Brianna had given her.

She knelt beside it, lifting the lid and closing her eyes as her senses were once again assaulted by memories of another lifetime. She wasn't sure how it had happened - especially considering that Okasa'd had possession of the container until just recently - but she could smell the essence of her life with Brianna in the box. Perhaps it was a lingering trace of her perfume, but there was something quintessentially Brianna in the scent that rose to Charisma's nostrils now.

Charisma let the memories wash over her - one big wave of thoughts and feelings she'd put away when Brianna had walked away from her all those years ago. There would be time and opportunity to examine them one by one later, but for now, she was a woman on a mission.

She removed the thickest packet from the box, knowing it was also the oldest, smiling sadly when she recognized the ribbon Okasa had used as one Brianna had given her. Charisma untied the silky material, rubbing it through her fingers. Then she picked up the top envelope and slit it open carefully. She took a deep breath and slid out the folded paper. Then she flipped it open and let her eyes focus on the handwriting that had once been as familiar as her own before she started to read.

************

Dear Charisma, (it read)

I am writing this to you because Okasa asked me to, and truthfully, I think it may be the only chance I have of purging everything that's inside of me without causing you any undo stress or upset. Here, I can be completely honest... with you, with me, with the world-at-large - because I figure no one but me will ever see these letters. I will certainly never share them with anyone else and unlike Okasa, I'm not some sort of cockeyed optimist - I know you will never ask about me, so you will never know about them. Because you will never want to admit that you know why I said goodbye.

Here Charisma stopped reading, drawing in a shuddering breath before she lay the letter carefully down on the floor and rose. When she returned to the closet, she'd already used one tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose, and she carried a box of them in one hand and a water bottle in the other. She wisely set the water in a corner away from the box, and placed the tissue beside her. Then Charisma picked up the letter and resumed her reading.

You see, I realized something recently - well, that's not completely true. The truth I realized some time ago, but I have only recently admitted it to myself. I love you. There... I said it. I love you, Charisma Tagherty and I am in love with you. There are probably a hundred reasons why, and maybe one of these days, I'll sit down and write them all out for us both here in these pages. But for now, suffice it to say that I do love you - heart and soul.

When I finally acknowledged my love for you to myself, I knew I had no choice - I had to walk away. I'm sure you're angry right now... maybe hurt that I am out of your life. But deep, deep in your heart, you know why I left and that's why I know you won't come looking for me. Because you feel the same thing I do - I've seen it. The difference is you would never be willing to love me, and I won't stay around and be a martyr... I can't. Right now the only way I can protect myself is to be away from you... to erect some walls and barriers against you, so that eventually, you won't matter to me the way I already don't matter to you.

Maybe one day, we'll run into each other again and we can be polite and civilized to one another. We can give each other those fake smiles and hugs politicians and actors are known for, then we can reminisce about the 'good old days'. You'll introduce me to the husband and children I'm sure you'll have by then, and maybe I'll be able to introduce you to my partner and our family. With any luck, though, that will be years and years from now. Because right now, all there is in my heart is you, and I can't see beyond that.

I read back over this letter and saw that I haven't really said anything yet. There is so much inside of me dying to get out, but all I can think of at the moment is how long the rest of my life is going to be without you in it... and how much that thought hurts.

I am going to wait a few days before I try this again. Maybe then, I can channel some of the anger I feel... or some of the pain... or some of the hatred. Because it's all there... in spades. Still, despite everything I know and everything I feel right now, I don't think my love for you will ever change. Maybe I should just write a book.

I love you Charisma. I just wish you could love me too.

B

************

Charisma took a deep breath and reached for her water bottle, drinking down half of it and closing her eyes against the words staring back at her from the page she'd just read. Gently she returned the first letter to its envelope and placed it face down beside her before turning her attention to the next envelope in the stack. Slicing it much as she had the first one, she removed the folded paper from inside and opened the letter and started reading Brianna's next missive.

One followed another in this fashion, and Charisma found Brianna had been very honest about the multitude of feelings and emotions contained within each epistle. Some made her heart hurt; some made her furious; some made her suck in her breath in surprise; and one or two made her smile wistfully. But despite the pain or anger or hatred that Brianna spoke about, she always reminded Charisma that she loved her before she ended each note.

As the letters went on, Brianna started sharing a little more about what was happening in her life and less about what she felt. It was almost as though Charisma became her pen pal - or her diary - though there was very little personal in anything Brianna said. She wrote nothing about Kay or any of the other love affairs she'd been involved in. Mostly she wrote about interesting things that happened or about the cases she was immersed in... almost as though they were college confidantes again. And Charisma found herself laughing aloud at some of the things Brianna deemed fit to share.

Then she reached the letter that was written after her engagement to Kent was announced to the family, and she realized how few letters Brianna had written since then. Slowly, Charisma cut the envelope open and removed the paper from it. Then she steadied herself and began reading.

************

Dear Charisma, (it read)

Okasa called me today - she wanted to tell me about your engagement before it made the news. I'm not quite sure what to say here. I'd like to say congratulations, but I wouldn't really mean it. It's not that I wish you ill, Charisma - it's because I know that you're settling.

Okasa tells me your fiancй is a nice guy that you like and someone you feel will be a good father to whatever children you have together. Oh my God, Charisma… are you kidding me?? Is he aware that all you feel for him is 'like', Charisma? Is he willing to settle for being second, third or fourth place in your line of priorities behind your job, your children and the rest your family? Whatever happened to love, Charisma? What happened to the passionate woman I knew in college... the one who wouldn't compromise what she wanted for anything??

However, I hope you find happiness with Kent Rockwell, Charisma... I really do. But I also think you're a fool for conforming to what you think is expected of you instead of simply being who you are. More fool me for thinking you ever could.

I don't think I'll be writing you many more letters, Charisma. It's been obvious to me for years that you never thought of me as anything more than someone to fill a gap that leaving your family for the first time created in your life. And that time has long since passed both of us by.

I will always love you, Charisma, but I won't allow you to be more than a memory anymore.

B

************

Charisma started to clench her hands before she realized she still held the letter. Prudently, she folded the paper and tucked it back into its envelope, and gently set it back on the pile of untied notes. Then she shifted until she could lean against the wall and wrapped her arms around her knees... and simply cried.

She had no idea how much time had passed, but when the tears slowed, Charisma's face was swollen and her eyes burned. She grabbed a handful of tissues and dabbed at her face, hissing at the tenderness of her skin. Charisma pushed herself upright and eased out of the closet, the pounding in her head from crying so hard making it a difficult process at best.

She made it to the bathroom and ran cool water over her face until she couldn't feel the cold from it any longer. Then she leaned her arms on the counter and stared at the reflection gazing back at her. Charisma flinched slightly - there was no way to hide the crying spell she'd just subjected herself to, and eventually she was going to have to go downstairs if only so Ame could go home and get some rest.

She blew out a breath, weighing her options, then she moved back to the closet. With only a couple more letters to read, Charisma decided to finish them before she took a shower. Maybe that would make her a little more presentable.

Charisma sat back down and picked up the first of the last three letters and realized it had been written shortly after Adam's birth.

************

Dear Charisma, (it read)

I saw a picture of your son today - Okasa couldn't wait to show me her newest grandson... not that I blame her. He's a beautiful baby, Charisma... reminds me very much of his mama. I hope he brings you all the happiness in the world.