Esmeralda rose from her place beside Charisma and extended her hand. "C'mon. I can't stay on the floor and I think you really need someone to talk to."

Charisma took the hand Esmeralda was holding out to her and stood, following the smaller woman over to the couch. Then she curled into one corner while Esmeralda folded herself into the other.

"I'm sorry," Charisma said quietly. "You're right; that was completely uncalled for. You've never been anything but honest and upfront with me." She paused. "Are you happy, Es?" Charisma held up her hands to prevent Esmeralda from answering before she was finished. "I mean - you've been through so much recently what with Saphira's job issues and your illness. And yet, you seem to have a sense of peace."

"I do have peace, Charisma. And I am happy."

"How? You have so little and you have been through so much. How is it you have happiness?"

Esmeralda smiled and propped her head on her hand. "Do you think that I shouldn't? Charisma, you yourself just pointed out, despite everything, my relationship with Saphira has grown stronger. Everything else is just so much chaff that has to be sorted from the wheat."

"But don't you find the struggle draining? Don't you ever wish it was easier... that you had more?" She broke off, not sure how to ask what she wanted to without sounding condescending.

Esmeralda smiled. "Charisma, we can't all be leaders and college graduates. Someone has to do the physical labor that gets things done. If there weren't custodians and garbage men and housekeepers, the world would be a perpetual dump. And what about the truck drivers and the sales clerks and construction workers? I'm proud of what I do and I'm good at it."

Charisma chuckled. "Trust me - I understand that. I know how impossible my life would be without all those people and so many others that take care of day to day drudgery I don't seems to have time for. But that's not what I meant exactly." She bit her lip and looked away from Esmeralda, blue eyes studying the office cast in darkness and shadow.

"Charisma, you're not going to offend me. Just spit it out!"

The chuckle this time was wry with an underlying hint of sadness. "Why are you happy?? I look at what you have and what you've been through, especially recently - and I wonder what I'm doing wrong. You do work many sneer at; you live paycheck to paycheck; your lifestyle and companion is a subject of derision and criticism...."

Esmeralda remained silent, knowing Charisma was talking to herself as much as she was to Esmeralda. "I have everything - power, influence, wealth, a nice home and a picture perfect family. And yet...."

"Yet?"

"I'm not sure I'm happy."

Silence reigned for a time, until Charisma turned to face Esmeralda, only to find Esmeralda gazing at her compassionately. It was nearly her undoing. Esmeralda reached out and covered the hand closest to her.

"Who are you living for, Charisma Tagherty?"

A frown crossed her face and she turned away again. "I'm not sure I understand what you're asking, Es."

"The Senator lives for the vote or the power or the constituency. The humanitarian lives for those in need or the fundraising efforts or the next charity event. The wife lives for her husband," noting the flicker that passed over Charisma's face, "sharing a life and love and a home. The mom lives for the child as a provider and teacher and guide. Then there's the woman - the person Charisma Tagherty is deep in her heart - the one who thinks and feels and laughs and cries."

"I haven't seen that Charisma Tagherty in a long, long time. There's not room for her in my world."

"You'll never find happiness then, Charisma. Until you're happy with the person you are, the most you will ever find is contentment."

"You make it sound so simple."

Esmeralda laughed. "If only it was. The truth is, it's the hardest thing in the world. It's easy to live for others - you only have to be honest as far as their expectations are concerned. With yourself - you can lie to yourself, but you still know that you're lying."

"You think I'm lying to myself?" Charisma said, turning intent blue eyes towards Esmeralda.

Esmeralda smiled. "Only you know if you're lying and what you're lying about. You wanted to know why you're not happy. I'm just offering you an explanation based on my experience and observations." She took a deep breath. "Maybe you should consider Charisma's happiness first for a change."

"I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore."

"Do you remember the last time you were happy?"

Charisma sighed. "I was happy when Adam was born. He's brought such joy into my life. I almost gave up my career then."

"But...?"

"But it's not enough. It wasn't enough then."

"What would be? What would bring you happiness, Charisma?"

"I don't know, Es. I really don't know."

Esmeralda was silent for a while. "Go home, Charisma. Whatever you're working on here will wait for another day. Go home and spend some time with your family. Maybe it will help you remember what happiness is."

"And if it doesn't?" her smile wry and a little sad.

"I'll be here tomorrow night. We can talk some more then."

"Promise?"

"Absolutely."

Charisma stood and offered Esmeralda a hand up, then pulled her into an unexpected hug. "Thanks, Es."

"Anytime, Charisma. You know that."

Charisma moved to her desk as Esmeralda walked to her cart, retrieving the supplies she needed to begin her work. Charisma slid into her jacket, picked up her purse and walked to the door before turning back to look at Esmeralda.

"Es?" waiting for the green eyes to meet hers. "Do you think I could meet Saphira sometime?"

"Do you really want to?"

Charisma appeared nonplussed at the question. "Yes, I would really like to."

Esmeralda nodded. "All right. I'll ask her."

"Thanks," was Charisma's only response before disappearing out the door.

************

Being a janitor isn't glamorous work, but it is one of the best ways to learn about a charge and gain their trust. Custodians see and hear a lot of secrets - it's all about dissemination and discretion. Fortunately, as a guardian angel, I learned those skills early in my existence. And I'm a clean-up angel - I'm all about making things neat and tidy. It is a job I do with great success.

One reason I was chosen for this assignment was the truth I had shared with Charisma Tagherty. Saphira is my mate and we have been through our share trials and tribulations. Not for the reasons you think - heaven is not nearly as uptight as some human beings would like to believe. It really doesn't matter at the moment. What does matter is that it added a sympathy on my part I had never had before and a depth of truth that Charisma could feel in my words and actions.

Now I just had to use all that to help Charisma find her own truth... and maybe even happiness.

************

The following evening, Esmeralda tapped on Charisma Tagherty's office door. "Charisma?" she called out as she crossed the threshold, then covered her mouth when she realized what she was interrupting. Charisma Tagherty lay on her sofa cradling her young son reading to him. Esmeralda started to back out of the room when Charisma looked up and motioned her closer.

Esmeralda pushed her cart to its customary place, then walked to the couch and knelt beside Charisma. "Sorry. I didn't realize...."

Twin pairs of blue eyes met Esmeralda's green and she smiled at their equally guileless stare. They returned her smile and Adam reached for her. Esmeralda took his hand, tickling his palm and chuckling at the laughter it elicited. Without warning, he lunged for her and only lightning fast reflexes allowed Esmeralda to catch him.

Instinctively, Charisma lunged for her son, then relaxed when she realized that Esmeralda had him well in hand. Instead, she sat up and leaned back to watch their interaction.

"Hello, little man," Esmeralda greeted softly. "My name is Esmeralda."

The boy smiled big and reached for her long hair. Esmeralda pulled her head back quickly, catching the child's hands and looking at Charisma who was laughing quietly at the two of them.

"Great reflexes," she commented. "Meet my son, Adam."

"Hi Adam," tweaking his nose and making him squeal. "He's beautiful, Charisma."

"Adam big boy," he said proudly.

"Mama's big boy?"

"Mama's big boy," he agreed with a scrunched nose grin, jumping back into Charisma's arms.

"I didn't mean to disturb you."

"It's all right, Es. I wanted you to meet him. We were waiting for you."

"Well, I'm glad you did. He's precious," stroking the dark head tucked under his mother's chin.

"Yeah, he is. He's the best part of my life."

"So, he is what makes you happy?"

"I'm happy when I'm with him."

"Only then?"

"At least then."

Esmeralda shifted, sliding from the floor and slipping into the chair closest to the head of the sofa. "Tell me the last time you were happy, Charisma."

She frowned and looked down at the body she cradled. "I told you...."

"Before Adam - when was the last time you were happy?"

"I don't... I don't know."

"Think about it, Charisma. It's important."

She slid back down on the couch, resting her head on the arm and tucking her son onto her chest. "It's been a long time," she confided after an interminable silence. "I think it was after my college graduation."

"What happened then? What made you happy?"

"I took a trip to Europe with the very best friend I had in the world."

"Tell me."


Chapter IV

Charisma's eyes took on a distant look and her lips creased into an enigmatic smile. She hugged the tiny body curled into hers a little tighter and kissed the top of her son's head. After a long moment, Charisma turned blue eyes to meet Esmeralda's green briefly. She shook her head a little and turned her attention inward again, shifting her body until she was laying down looking up at the ceiling.

"I don't remember much, really. I have impressions, mostly. The fog in London; the mist and scent of heather in Scotland; the Guinness in Ireland. I remember the sangria in Spain; the echoing caves on Gibraltar; the color of the Mediterranean; the reflection of the sun off the buildings on Santorini; the market in Istanbul. I remember freshness of the air in the Alps; the sense of timelessness in Rome; the amazing food in France."

Esmeralda waited but nothing more was forthcoming. "Do you have pictures?"

"Somewhere, I'm sure," Charisma replied noncommittally, though Esmeralda sensed a distinct tension suddenly present in Charisma's frame. Adam squirmed a little uncomfortably and Charisma forced herself to relax.

"It sounds like it was magical," Esmeralda offered with a smile in her voice.

"It was. I remember feeling happy then."

"So what happened?"

Charisma shrugged carefully so as not to disturb the child sleeping so peacefully again on her chest. "It was time to grow up. And life just became a roller coaster on the fast track."

"And what of your best friend?"

Charisma shook her head. "I don't know. I lost touch with her years ago." There was an inflection in her tone, but whether it was sadness or anger or something else again, Esmeralda wasn't sure.

"I guess that is part of growing up and getting older," Esmeralda commented. "We let go of the old as new friends and responsibilities enter our lives. It's a shame we can't hold onto both."

"Um," was Charisma's only reply. She had closed her eyes and her breathing was deepening and evening out in the first stages of sleep. But it couldn't stop the tear that trickled from the corner of her eye. Esmeralda stood and pulled the coverlet from the couch, tucking in Charisma and Adam before crossing back over to her cart to begin her night's work.

************

I had hoped when I asked her to share, Charisma would have been more forthcoming. I'm not sure if she really can't remember or if she just doesn't want to.

However, I don't need her to remember to know what happened to share it with you. Sometimes it's good to be an angel with the ability to rewind and review peoples' lives. I just wish it wasn't necessary - because utilizing that option means something's gone wrong.

Still, it's nice to have the ability when it's needed. So let me show you what happened on that trip to Europe.