Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

I push open my bedroom door and Lily is sitting up in my bed, wearing the shirt that I had on last night. I park myself on the end of the bed because I’m not sure how much longer my legs can hold me up.

“What the hell happened last night? I want the truth, Lily. You do know what that is, right?” I can’t even stomach looking at her. I can’t stand myself right now. I just did the worst thing possible to Hailey. Everything she accused me of doing, I just did it.

“I came over and asked you to dance with me so I could talk to you about what happened earlier. I didn’t want to talk in front of your friends. I didn’t know you were wasted until you tried to get up. Actually you were ossified. We didn’t get much talking done. You pulled me back to your place at the bar. We were all sitting around talking and then one thing kind of lead to another and here I am.”

“What the hell happened with Hailey? Why did you tell her we’ve been sleeping together?” I say through gritted teeth.

She laughs. “She actually believed us? We were just messing with her. I really didn’t think she’d believe us. Oh my God is she that dumb?” I snap my head in her direction and glare at her. “Well, that explains why you were so drunk and this happened.”

I shake my head. “Are you fucking kidding me, Lily? Do you know what the hell you did? What you caused?” A part of my future is gone; a part of me. I royally fucked up. There is an ache in my heart and I have no one to blame but myself.

Lily pushes the blankets off and comes to kneel behind me, resting her hands on my shoulder. I jump up from the bed.

Lily holds her hands in surrender. “Jeez, relax Mason. I’ll talk to her and just tell her we were messing around. No big freaking deal.”

I’m clenching my teeth so hard it’s only a matter of time before they break. “No big deal? I lost her Lily, all because of you. You pushed her too far.” I yell.

She flinches. I run my fingers in my hair, pulling on it hard. It does nothing for my headache but I have to do something with them or I am going to beat the shit out of Lily. I would never do it but she is damn close to pushing it.

I don’t want to ask this but I needed to know. “Did we,” I cleared my throat a few times. The bile was threatening to come up again. “Did we fuck last night?”

Lily doesn’t answer.

I look down at her. Her head hangs and her hands are folded in her lap. “Lily?”

She looks up to me with an emotionless face and nods.

This can’t be happening. It’s not true. I refuse to believe it. “You’re fucking lying, Lily. I blacked out. There is no way.” I shake my head back and forth. I drop to my knees; my legs refuse to hold me up. I’m shaking, muscles taut; I break out into a cold sweat. All the air in my lungs is sucked out.

My door creaks, “It’s time to go Lily.” Cooper says.

I sit up, begging for the air to come back into my lungs. I’ve had anxiety attacks in the past and that exactly what’s happening now. I can’t see or hear anything around me. All I hear is the blood swooshing in my ears.

“Breathe, Mason.” Cooper says to me. “In through your nose, out of your mouth.”

I do as I’m told. I look up to my brother and say, “You heard her?”

Cooper nods.

“She’s lying right? She has to be, Coop.”

Cooper leans against the door frame, arms crossed. “I don’t know bro, I just don’t know.”

I rest back against the wall, “I did this to protect you guys, Cooper. I fucking screwed everything up.”

Cooper’s arms fall to the side, “What did you do Mase? Stop being so cryptic.”

I take a deep breath, my lungs burn from the tightness. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s too late to fix it.”

Cooper sighs loudly, “Whatever you say.”

I can’t go to practice like this. I can’t deal with the questioning stares. “Tell Coach I’ve got the stomach flu, will ya?”

“He’s gonna be pissed, you know this right? He could handle the stomach flu but Mason you gotta get your hand looked at.” Cooper is staring down at it. I can’t even feel it. I can’t feel anything at this point.

I get up off the floor and go into the bathroom and take the hottest fucking shower I can. I wish I could burn off everything that happened yesterday from the time I opened my eyes. Maybe this is just a nightmare and I’ll wake up soon. Not likely but its wishful thinking.

* * *

Later that afternoon, after I’ve cleaned everything in my house, I go over to my parent’s house. I need some advice from Mom. I take my bike instead of my car and I go the long way to their house, the sound of the bike drowns out the voices in my head.

When I arrive at Mom and Dad’s, I go straight in and head for the kitchen where Mom normally is.

“Hey Mason.” Mom greets me. She’s got Ryder on her hip.

“Hey Ma.” I take a seat on one of the bar stools.

Mom puts Ryder down in the highchair and comes around to wrap her arms around me from behind. “Oh my God! Mason what in God’s name did you do to your hand?” Mom grabs my wrist and takes a closer look. “You have to have that checked out, Mason. I’m guessing Coach doesn’t know yet?”

“No. Not yet.” I’m going to regret punching that door tomorrow when he gets a look at it. I guess I’m going to be taken out of rotation for this. Hopefully it will only be for tomorrow and then I’ll be ok to pitch next week. And that’s only if Coach doesn’t kick me off the team.

Mom walks over to the freezer and gets an ice pack out, wraps it in a paper towel and then gently lays it on my busted knuckles. “Talk to me Mason?” She asks, “I know something is up, it’s written all over your face.”

Mom lays a hand on my shoulders. “I think I really screwed things up with Hailey.”

Mom lets go and takes a seat on the stool next to me. “I figured something was up. I know Hailey’s been upset but when she dropped Ryder off this morning she looked like hell, kind of how you look right now.”

I rest my elbows on the table and tell Mom everything that has happened, from me not really kissing Lily at the bar, to keeping something that could possibly hurt our family. From Sunday, after our game (leaving out the sex part of course), to waking up the next morning thinking we actually had a chance of getting back together, and then from coming home from practice yesterday to waking up this morning. I even tell her about blacking out and Lily claiming we slept together.

Mom pats my arm, “Well Mason, you’ve put yourself in quite a mess.”

I nod in agreement.

“Do you honestly think you slept with Lily?” Mom asks seriously.

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “No, I really don’t. What the hell do I do Mom?”

Mom stands up, grabs two coffee mugs and fills them with coffee and places them on the table in front of us. “Well, I think you need a break from all of this, Mason. You need to stop trying to protect everyone. I know you don’t want to see your family get hurt, but Mason, you can’t stop everything.” Mom scoops two sugars into her coffee. “Learn to put yourself first. Once you’ve learned how to do that, you fight like hell for what you want and stop at nothing to get it. Just like what you’ve done with baseball.” Mom walks over to the fridge and grabs the creamer.

I sit and stew about her advice. She’s right of course, Mom’s always right. I’ve always put everyone first to protect them. I’ve done it with MacKenzie so many times that I’ve lost count. I’ve done it for Hailey in little ways, and now I’m protecting Cooper. It’s time that I stopped. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of always getting the shitty end of it.

“Thanks Ma, and not just for the advice, thanks for everything you’ve done for me.” I glance over at her and she’s smiling brightly at me.

“You’re welcome, Sweetie. Be the Mason that stops for nothing to get what he wants. I know he’s in there but you need to find him.”

A few hours later I’m lying on the floor with Ryder when someone rings the doorbell.

“I’ve got it.” Mom calls out to me.

I push the rattle closer for Ryder to grab. He’s babbling like crazy and I’m talking right back to him when Mom comes into the living room. I glance over at her and see that Hailey is standing there with her.

Shit!

When I woke up this morning I had a text from Mom telling me that Tara is coming for dinner. Tara doing something with the two of us means only one thing - she needs money. Tara moved out of home and in with her boyfriend right out of high school and has never looked back, that is until she needs something from Mom. I am in no mood to deal with my bitch of a sister today. Thankfully, when I dropped Ryder off with MacKenzie’s mom this morning she asked me to come over for dinner since it’s just her tonight.

When I pull up to MacKenzie’s parent’s house I’m surprised to see Mason’s bike in the driveway. I didn’t want to deal with Tara tonight and I definitely don’t want to deal with Mason. After twenty minutes I talk myself into going in the house. I’d rather deal with Mason than Tara. I ring the doorbell. I’m still not comfortable walking in after all these years, even though they tell me to every time I come over. I stand there and wait, Elle answers the door.

“Hey Sweetie.” Elle opens the door wider to allow me to walk in. “You could have let yourself in. We’re playing with Ryder.”

I follow Elle into the living room. Mason is lying on his stomach facing Ryder. It just makes seeing him harder. I want that life with him so badly but I’m furious about everything that has happened and nothing will change it at this point. Our feelings are hurt and we both need to heal.

Mason looks like he’s seen a ghost; I guess it really is a surprise that I’m here. I just hope he knows I’m not here for him. I know things will be uncomfortable for everyone while Mason and I go through our break up but I’m not going to cut them out. They are my family too. “Hailey.”

I look over at Elle and she’s watching us with that mom look. The one that says, ‘now children play nice.’ I smile over at her, letting her know that everything will be fine. I take a seat on the couch; Mason sits up and faces me.

He looks like hell, as I do. We sit in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, not knowing what to say or do. Elle walks over to Ryder, picks him up and leaves the room. I guess she senses our need to talk, and now it’s just the two of us with this ugly cloud looming over us.

“I’m sorry.” We both say at the same time.

“Go ahead.” I tell Mason.

“I’m sorry, Hailey. I fucked up. I was trying to keep my promise to you by not asking you to keep a secret for me. I shouldn’t have done that. I know you think that something went on with Lily at the bar but it didn’t. She was pissed because I stopped her from causing a possible shit storm.” He gets up off the floor and sits on the other end of the couch.

I flinch when he says ‘my family’; I thought I was part of that. I guess I thought wrong. “Is what you’re keeping that important that you would let me believe that something happened between you two?”

Mason considers my question before answering. “Yes and no. Yes because I didn’t want her ruining Hunter and MacKenzie’s wedding and I don’t want her to come between Cooper and Jaylinn.” My eyebrows furrow in confusion. “But it wasn’t worth ruining us. It actually doesn’t have a damn thing to do with us. I asked you to trust me, Hailey. Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”

I answer honestly. “No you haven’t, Mason. But what’s done is done now. I can’t help how it felt seeing you with her.”

He nods in agreement. So much has happened in the last twenty-four hours.

“What’s this big secret anyway? Will you at least tell me now?” I’d really like to know what has Mason going through all this trouble.

Mason shifts on the couch so his body is facing mine. “I’m not sure if it’s even worth telling. It has nothing to do with us, like I said, and it’s not going to change the way things are now.” He mumbles something about last night but I don’t pay him any mind.

I turn my body to face him and fold my leg under me. “You’re right. It’s not going to change anything, Mason. Too much has happened. Secrets were kept and lies were told.”

He runs his fingers through his hair, something he always does when he’s nervous. “Yeah you’re right. Some things need to be cleared up though. So I’m going to tell you any way.” He looks up at me and watches me closely. “First, I never cheated on you. I talked to Lily this morning,” This morning? What the hell? “And she said that she and Brittany were just messing around with you.” I’m about to protest and tell him he’s wrong but Mason cuts me off. “It was wrong Hailey, more than wrong. It was sick and cruel but you should have known better.”