Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

Mom is staring hard at the sauce, “And she’s moving home.”

I walk over to where I left the Vodka on the counter, pick it up and start walking to my room. “And I’m moving out.” I throw over my shoulder.

I hear Mom cry out in protest but I don’t give a shit. How could she allow Tara to move back in with us? Mom knows Tara and I don’t get along, we are like oil and water. Plus, how would we all fit in a two bedroom house? I push my bedroom door open, start my iPod, take off my bra and shorts and then climb in bed with my new best friend, Vodka. I want to forget about Mason, mirrors, my sister, my mom, all of it. Tomorrow I will come up with a plan, but tonight I just want to drown in this bottle.

The next morning, while I’m at work, I put in my two week notice. I knew I needed to get away, start fresh somewhere else for a while. I called Bentley and took him up on his offer to come for a visit. I told him everything that had happened and he offered for me to stay for however long I needed, but he said he had to talk to the guys first. Apparently Logan had moved in a few weeks ago. Bentley said there was plenty of room in Hunter’s old room for Zeke and Logan to share, or they could fix up the basement and make a room down there for Logan. To be honest, after I’d found out Logan was there I started to hesitate. Logan was Brittany’s cousin and I had a little fling with him in my freshman year of college. I told Bentley he didn’t have to go through all that and I would figure something else out. He told me to think about it and I promised I would. Ten minutes later, after hanging up with Bentley, Logan was calling me and telling me he had no problem moving around and things wouldn’t be weird. I made him promise that he would never invite Brittany over while I was staying there. He agreed, and I agreed to move in. Everything was set. I was moving and transferring back to ODU in the fall.

It’s Wednesday afternoon and I welcome our away game; I needed to get the hell out of town. I felt like I was suffocating in all of mine and Hailey’s memories. . We would arrive back home on Sunday and were expected to go to my parent’s house for dinner with Hunter and MacKenzie, who had just got home from their honeymoon. This is something I am not looking forward to in the slightest; MacKenzie is going to cut off my balls. Hailey and I promised her that we would fix things.

I keep to myself while we’re on the road. The rest of the world is going on around me while I feel like I’m stuck in time. I miss Hailey. I miss her smile, her blue eyes. I miss the way that I can make her laugh so hard she snorts, and the way her tiny little dimple on her right cheek shows when she smiles. I miss her kisses and her warm, soft body wrapped around me.

I growl in frustration as I pound my feet harder and harder on the treadmill. I woke up earlier than the rest of the team because I was restless and irritable, so I came down to the hotel fitness center for a run. My life is so fucked up. I’ve come clean with Hailey about everything but still haven’t talked to Cooper about it and I really don’t even feel like it’s important to me right now, not at this point. But it’s causing tension between us and I hate that.

Coach was pissed when he caught a look at my hand as we were boarding the bus on Tuesday. I tried to hide it and I think that pissed him off even more. He demanded x-rays when I told him it was fine. Coach said if it wasn’t broken then I could come and catch a ride with our assistant coach, Chris, since he was coming down later that night. Turns out it wasn’t broken but I wasn’t going to be pitching for at least a week. That’s how my bad luck started. The ride down to Charlestown, West Virginia, was long and quiet until just after midnight. I had just started dozing off when I was woken by a loud bang. Coach Chris’s car hissed, knocked, stuttered and then shut down. We had to call a tow truck and then find a cab company to drive us the rest of the way to the hotel. Thankfully we weren’t too far because the stench in the cab was nasty, like stale cigarettes and sex.

My legs are burning and my lungs are screaming but I keep pushing until I feel like I can’t go any further without falling. I slow the treadmill and start my cool down. Shirt soaked, skin flushed and body burning, I drag my ass upstairs to the room I’m sharing with Cooper for a much needed shower. After my shower and some breakfast, the boys and I went down to the field to face the Charleston Blue Jackets. The temperature’s in the eighties today, with a nice breeze blowing; the perfect weather for a game. By the bottom of the fifth, the game is tied at one run each. The guys are all in pretty foul moods. No one is really getting any decent pitches and we need this win. At the top of the eighth, Duff from the Blue Jackets tries to run home but runs Jacks, our catcher, off the plate by shoving him out of the way. The umpire calls Duff out. Jacks jumps up like it’s no big deal and runs to the dugout, since that is the third out. Mills, our Pitcher, saw the whole thing and started having words with Duff. Duff shoves Mills and then all hell breaks loose and now the field is just one big brawl. After everything settles, the game starts back up and we win four to one.

When the whistle has blown, we go back to the hotel and do our own things. I stay back and try to catch up on sleep since I’m not really getting much at night. This is how the rest of the week goes. We win three out of our four games, but by the end of the fourth I am even more frustrated and miserable. I need the distraction of pitching to keep my mind from wondering what Hailey is doing, but that’s not happening because my dumbass decided to go and punch my door and fuck up my hand.

- Hailey -

After I made my plans to move down to Bentley’s, I gave Cole a call in the hope that he might be able to fill me in with a little about Monday night.

“Hey pretty girl.” Coles greets me.

“Hey.” I say, trying to keep all my emotions in check. Cole’s been a good sport through all this and I hate to feel like I’m dragging him into this but I need something, anything, at this point.

“Hailey, what’s the matter?” I should have known Cole would think there is something wrong. I think I only ever really call him when something is wrong, or if I need something. What a horrible friend I am.

I sigh loudly, “Were you at the bar Monday night?”

Cole must be outside because I hear someone in the background blowing their horn. “Yeah. I ran into Mason.”

I cringe. “Did you see him with Lily?”

Cole clears his throat, “I saw Lily, but she wasn’t with Mason. I tried talking to him, Hailey, but he was pretty toasted. I told him that I knew you both loved each other and I told him that you should give him a chance.”

Tears sting my eyes, “Alright, thanks.”

I hear Cole’s door slam and his car start up. “Why, what’s going on?”

I play with the hem of my shirt and don’t respond right away. I watch out the window as a car goes down my street. “Nothing. I just need to get the hell out of here for a while.”

“Talk to me Hailey. Can I do anything?”

I think Cole was put in my life for a reason. I’m not sure why just yet but I’m sure he was.

“No. I’m just going out of town to visit some friends.”

“Hang on.” Cole says.

After a few seconds he comes back on the line. “I’ve got some time on Thursday and I’m free up until Friday night. How about I take you to go see your friends?”

I smile just a little bit. “I think that would be a great idea.”

So for the next half-hour I tell Cole my plans to move to Bentley’s and he agrees to help me.

* * *

On Thursday afternoon, Cole shows up at my house and helps me load up his car with everything that will fit. I’m leaving my car here because I don’t think it will make it down to Virginia. I’ll miss having my wheels but I look at the bigger picture. I’m going to start off completely fresh, no baggage from my past.

“Hey pretty girl.” Cole greets me when I open the door. He takes in my appearance and his face turns into pity. Something I do not want.

I push the door open to allow him entrance to the house. “Hey. You ready to get this show on the road?”

Cole stops in front of my bedroom door, “No, not really. I wish you weren’t leaving.” He turns to look at me and holds his hands up in surrender. “I know, I know. You have to do this.”

I pat his arm, walk into my room and hand him a bag. We work for the next two hours, loading his car and throwing away all the stuff that I no longer want; basically erasing my old life away. I only keep a few things that mean a lot to me. When we’ve finished I take one last look at the house, turn and climb into Cole’s car and we pull out of the driveway.

Once we’ve passed the state line into Delaware I feel a sense of calm and peace wash over me. Like I really did leave my past behind and nothing will come back to plague me. I know this isn’t true because I’m a part of the Cahills, no matter what has happened or will happen in the future, they are my family.

Cole pulls into the gas station, cuts the engine and then looks over at me. “Want anything?”

I shake my head no. He goes and fills the gas tank. When he gets back in I try to hand him money for the gas but he refuses. We pull back out on the highway and then I remember what I wanted to ask him.

“How do you know Lily?”

Cole takes his eyes off the road and looks over at me. A few, long minutes go by and the question still hangs in the air, unanswered.

“Ok, how about we play a game.” If he doesn’t want to tell me everything about her that’s fine, but he’s going to have to give me something. This might not answer all my questions but I’ll get the point.

“Alright. What kind of game?” Cole asks.

I reach up and lower the radio. “Twenty questions. You can only skip two.”

“Five questions but no detailed answers.” Cole retorts.

“Deal. I get to ask first.” I’ll take anything I can get at this point.

“Deal.”

I want to choose my questions carefully. I ponder for a few minutes. “How did you meet Lily?”

“At my Dad’s over the summer when we were younger.”

Interesting.

“Is Lily the girl from your past?”

“Yes.”

“Did you love her?”

Please God say no, how could anyone love that whore?

“Yes.”

Gag!

“What happened with you two?”

He doesn’t even hesitate, “Skip.”

I huff. “Fine. Do you still love her?”

“No.”

“Do you still talk to her?”

“Not since the day we broke up.”

Cole looks over at me quickly and then returns to watch the road. “Alright pretty girl, your turn.”

Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice starts to play in the background. I look over at Cole, eyebrows raised. He looks over at me and starts laughing. We both reach for the radio at the same time. Cole glances at me and then drops his hand. I turn the volume up and roll my window down, letting the wind whip my hair around.

Cole starts singing and I start laughing. Damn it feels nice to laugh.

“Ice Ice Baby.” Cole sings.

“Word to your mother.” I sing back the next verse.

We both start jamming and singing along as the miles tick by, farther from my past, and closer to my future.

Let’s Talk About Sex by Salt-N-Pepa comes on next. This time it’s me that starts singing. Cole is cracking up from me being so animated.

“You’re deflecting. I know what you’re doing, pretty girl.” Cole yells over the radio and my singing. I just nod my head to the beat.

Another hour passes and many songs later my voice is hoarse from singing and I’m tired. I roll my window halfway up and rest my head against it.

“Don’t fall asleep on me now. We’re almost there.” Cole says.

I yawn. “Just follow the GPS. I’m only going to rest my eyes.”

The last thing I remember is hearing Hunter Hayes talking about somebody’s heartbreak.

Cole pats my leg, “Come on, pretty girl, we’re here.”

I yawn and stretch. I look around and I see Logan and Zeke coming down the front steps. I jump out of the car and run up to Zeke, throwing my arms around him.

“Hails.” Zeke says as he swings me around in a circle.

“I missed you.”

Zeke sets me back down on my feet. “I just saw you.”