Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

I hear sniffles, “Hello?” I say again.

“Hailey, I look like a whale in my dress. Where are you?” Kenzie whines into the phone.

I take a deep breath; my maid of honor duties are needed. “Kenz, you don’t look like a whale, Sweetie. Why do you have your dress on anyway?”

She takes a shuddering breath, “I’m at the bridal shop for my last fitting.”

Shit! I was supposed to go with her and I completely forgot because I’ve been living in my own head and not being the friend that I should be.

I leap off the bed and take a quick glimpse in the mirror. Crap, I look like hell. Eyes puffy and bloodshot, mascara running down my cheeks and my hair is a hot mess. “Kenz, give me fifteen minutes, I’ll be right there.”

“No. It’s ok; you’ve got a lot going on.” Her voice breaks.

“I’m coming. Love ya. See you in a few.”

Fifteen minutes later I’m pulling into the dress shop parking lot. I quickly grab my purse and make my way inside to talk my best friend off the ledge.

I walk up to the counter and ask where I can find her. Thankfully it’s a small shop and they know exactly who I’m talking about.

I approach the dressing room and I hear the sniffles again. I knock on the door, “Kenz?”

The door slowly opens and Kenzie pokes her head out. I smile and she frowns. She opens the door wider and I push my way in. I set my purse down on the bench but keep my sunglasses on. I didn’t need her pity. This is all about her. I turn and suck in a breath, my hand covers my mouth and the tears start again.

“See! I look like a whale, Hails. I can’t wear this dress.” She turns her back towards me, “Unzip me, I need out of this dress.”

I place both my hands on her shoulders, “Look at you MacKenzie, really look at you. You’re gorgeous, Sweetie; you look nothing like a whale. Nothing! I’m envious of you; you’ve got the man of your dreams, the cutest little chunky monkey and a beautiful home. This,” I point to the dress, “is just material. Hunter loves you for this.” I point to her heart. She starts crying again and I’m right there with her. “Hunter said to me the other night that he couldn’t believe he’s actually marrying you. You, MacKenzie, you’re each other’s everything.”

Kenzie slowly turns around and hugs the hell out of me. “You’re the best friend that every girl should have, Hails.”

We hold each other for a little while and cry a little longer. After I’ve gotten it all out, I decide we definitely need some laughter in our lives. My hands start slowly moving from her back, down to her sides to rest on her hips. “You know, I would kill for these. I’m sure Hunter loves that he has something to hold on to while you’re getting your freak on.”

That seems to do the trick because she starts laughing and soon she lets go and holds her stomach because she can’t stop. It’s a contagious laugh.

After we calm down, she smirks at me. “He does love them.” She says, just above a whisper, and starts blushing. You would think by now that she wouldn’t be this shy talking about sex.

I put my hands on my hips, “Now Kenz, why the hell are you blushing, girl? You can’t be that shy about sex. Christ, Hunter had you bent over his bike in the Goddamn garage! Did you forget I walked in on that hot shit?”

Now she turns bright red, God I loved her. I wish my own sister were just like her. Instead my sister is the world’s biggest bitch.

She covers her face with her hands, “I can’t believe you caught us like that and you didn’t even try to leave quietly.”

I shrug, “What? It was hot!”

She walks over, stands in front of me and reaches for my sunglasses. I quickly turn my head. She sighs and grabs my face with both her hands. She takes my glasses off and gasps. I look down at the floor, both hands go for my back pockets and I rock on my feet. I know what is coming next.

“Hailey.”

I don’t look up, I can’t.

She grabs my face again and gives me no choice. Looking into my eyes, she can see everything -the hurt, the pain, all of it. After a few moments she says, “You need to talk to him. Give him hell, Hailey! He deserves it, whether he did it or not. You need to let the feisty Hailey out.”

I look down to the floor again, begging for the tears to stay at bay. I will not cry over Mason Cahill, I chant to myself.

She waits, “I know, Kenz, I will. Let’s just get past the wedding and then I’ll figure things out. I don’t want you worrying over us.”

“Oh Hailey, I love you.” She hugs me. “You are your own worst enemy, you know that right?”

I nod. I will not cry over Mason Cahill, I chant again. “I know.”

“Help me out of this dress and let’s go back to my house and grab a drink. I think we can both use one.” She turns around, giving me access to her zipper.

“You look like a princess, Kenz. Hunter’s a lucky man.”

She winks at me in the mirror; I help her unzip and then hang the dress up. We leave the shop and make our way to her house. I need something to help steel my heart, at least for tonight anyway.

This being on the road shit sucks. The away games never used to bother me, but now that everything is screwed up, I hate it. I hate not being home, hate being away from Hailey, hate the drama and I hate myself. Baseball has always been a part of my life, it’s a constant, I’m good at it and I’m able to control it. It’s not just a hobby to me, it’s my career. Since losing Hailey I just can’t put my heart into the game. I know I look like a complete jackass to everyone; they’re all still pissed at me. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for even putting myself in such a screwed up situation. It seems that I always get burned while protecting my family. One damn day I’ll learn my lesson.

Hailey has to know I wouldn’t touch Lily. God knows Lily’s been around the block more times than I even care to think about. I shudder at the visions coming to mind. I can’t believe Coop, Hunter and I fucked that. What the hell were we thinking? Oh that’s right, we were thinking with the wrong head.

I’ve been sending Hailey her favorite flowers, stargazers, every other day for the last two weeks; I feel the need to keep sending them so she knows I still think of her all the damn time. I pray that deep down she knows I wouldn’t cheat on her. Hell, there are girls that hang around after the games and at the local bars, trying to sink their claws into one of us. Damn cleat chasers. After Hailey and I finally decided to try this relationship thing out last year, I’ve never even given them a second thought. Yeah I joke around and flirt to get the things that I want, but that is the extent of it. The guys on the team were having a fucking field day with that; they kept asking when I was going to get my balls back. My balls are exactly where I wanted them, back home with Hailey.

Hailey. Damn, what I wouldn’t do to have her wrapped in my arms right now. I’m living my dream right now; but Hailey should be here with me. I’d give all of this up for her. It was our turn to have our happily ever after, but I’m screwing up because I’m keeping a secret, a secret that shouldn’t even affect us. So she ran. I shouldn’t be surprised, she always does. That’s the reason she was always at my house growing up, she ran away from her dad. Her mom and dad were in the middle of a divorce back then and she hated all the fighting. For the last eight years, Hailey had snuck into my room every night and slept in my bed with me. No one knew, not even MacKenzie. Sometimes we talked about what that night’s fight was about and other times I just held her while she cried. The divorce screwed her up more than she’ll ever admit and her bitch of a sister blames her for causing it.

We just wrapped up a game and we’re sitting at some local bar in Boston. Cooper has bailed and said his ankle was bothering him and he was going to call it a night. He thinks I’m stupid, but I know he’s going back to call Jaylinn. We’ve been busy lately and we haven’t had much down time and it’s getting in my way of finding Lily and talking to her again.

Pat enters the bar and takes the seat to the left of me. Pat is our first baseman for the Bulldogs and he’s an instigator. I’m not in the mood for that shit tonight; I just want to get through the night so we can get our asses back home tomorrow.

“I see you’ve finally got your balls back, hmm?” He asks while taking a swig of his beer.

I roll my eyes, “I’ve always had my balls, Asshole.”

He laughs, “Is that so? Ever since you and that hot piece of ass got together a few years ago you stopped hanging out with us.”

This guy is your typical player. He has a wife and a kid back home, but every night while we are on the road he’s hooking up with someone else. Most of the guys do. They claim they are lonely and ‘what happens on the road, stays on the road’. No one ever got in anyone else’s business, it was just guy code.

“Yeah, I just got some stuff going on so I haven’t been in the mood to hang around and bullshit.” I answer. I am not about to spill my guts to this guy. Hell, none of my teammates other than Cooper, who thinks I kissed Lily, knows the reason behind my split with Hailey.

“I think that chick over there might be interested in helping you forget about your stuff you’ve got going on.” He lifts his chin to the girl sitting across the bar from us. I look up and there is indeed a cute girl sitting there with three of her friends. She doesn’t look like a cleat chaser. She has this innocent look about her and she looks uncomfortable, out of her element.

Maybe she’s my out for the night. I can act like I’m picking this girl up and bringing her back to my room; helping her out of whatever situation she’s in and helping myself, too.

I grab my beer off the bar and turn on the stool to make my way to her. Pat slaps me on the back and says, “There’s my boy.”

I laugh just to play along. As I walk up to the girl, her friends all walk away in the direction I just came. I take the seat next to her, “Hey,”

She blushes and I’ve only said two words.

“Hey,” She manages to say after she’s taken a sip of her drink.

“You look like you need some help.”

“Was it that obvious?” she asks. She is tearing a napkin into pieces, trying to keep her eyes off mine.

“Just a little. I’m Mason by the way, and you are?”

“Cammie. Nice to meet you, Mason.” She has a southern drawl.

Now that I take her in I see that she’s wearing a pair of cowboy boots with her white dress. “Let me guess, all your friends are trying to hook up with the guys from the team and you’re just not into it?”

“Yeah, I was brought in here kicking and screaming.” She replies while nervously laughing.

“I’m about to start kicking and screaming if I have to stay in here any longer. What do you say we get out of here? Make them think we’re leaving together?” I offer.

“I think that’s the best pick up line I’ve ever heard.” She laughs.

She finishes up her drink and we go say goodbye to her friends before we leave. I gain a few hoots and hollers from the boys on my way out. Now maybe this will get them off my back for a little while.

We step outside and I hail down a taxi. One pulls up to the curb and I open the door for Cammie. After she sits down, she looks up at me, “You can come hang out for a while if you’d like; just to talk.” She fidgets with the end of her dress. “I don’t see my friends coming back tonight.”

If I wasn’t so hung up on Hailey I would have hopped into that taxi and had my way with her all night, but I just can’t seem to do it. “Nah, I’m gonna head back to the hotel. We’re out of here first thing in the morning. Take care of yourself, Cammie.”

I reach into my pocket and hand the cabbie a few bills to make sure she gets back safe and sound. “Thanks Mason.”

I smile, shut the door and pat the roof twice before stepping back. I wait until I can’t see Cammie’s cab anymore and hail my own. I jump in and tell him what hotel I’m staying at. As we’re approaching I realize I have no fucking clue what room Coop and I are in. I send him a quick text before I pay the cabbie and make my way into the hotel. The front desk is closed for the night and I’m close to banging on all the doors at this point, just to find his ass but I don’t want to piss off the coach any more than I already have. I’ve been showing up hung over for practice and training since the split but it’s the only thing I can do to keep myself sane. My phone beeps just as I’m about to sit on the bench near the elevator. I swipe my finger over my phone, unlocking it. It’s Coop telling me he’s in room 517. I hit the up elevator button, step in and head up to the fifth floor.