Megan Smith - Hard To Love You

Cooper is watching me; I can feel his eyes on me. I look over at him and sure enough he is. He nods his head towards them and gets up from the booth. I don’t follow right away; I need a minute to calm myself down.

As soon as my feet hit the dance floor the perfect song for Hailey and I comes on, Changed By You by Between The Trees. I heard when I was traveling to one of my away games. I wanted to have Hailey listen to it but that never happened. Maybe this is a sign for us after all.

Hailey’s back is turned towards me; I don’t see her arm candy anywhere so I know I am in the clear, at least for now. I walk up behind her, slide both my arms around her and rest my hands low on her stomach. Her body responds like it always has, and she melts into me; fitting together like puzzle pieces.

I whisper in her ear, “Listen to the words. Just listen.”

She nods, for once not fighting me. We start moving, slowly. Very slowly. As the words start talking about change, taking care, melting fears away, reaching inside and seeing the real person, being the one. As the song continues her body becomes stiff and she trembles.

I start turning her around, never giving her enough space to push away from me, afraid I’d lose our connection. “You’re the one for me, Hailey. I’m letting you go for now but know you will always be the one for me. You can hate me all you want.” I kiss her forehead. “You’re my mirror; you make me see things that no one else can, not even Coop. You challenge me, you tear me down, and you build me back up. Somewhere along the way you lost your mirror, me. When you’re ready to see it again you know where to find me.”

Inhaling her warm vanilla scent that I love into my memory, I pull her in and hug her tight. Slowly her arms circle me and I feel her body shudder, I tilt her chin up so that I can see her. Tears are flowing freely and it is another stab in my heart. She stands up on her tiptoes and places a gentle kiss on my lips.

The kiss was too quick and before I know it she is running into Cole’s open arms.

Fuck, what did I just do?

Cole is my saving grace tonight. He came after me with no questions asked when I sent him a text that Mason had me cornered in the hallway near the bathrooms. Then again, right before I was about to say “screw everything” and take Mason back, he appeared, and seeing him brought me back to reality. Seeing Cole reminds me that Mason isn’t mine because he cheated on me; or at least that is definitely what it looked like.

As we stand here on the dance floor, holding each other, I feel calm even though my heartbeat is erratic, I feel secure even though I know I am anything but, and I feel like a weight has been lifted even though that is furthest from the truth. I need to be strong and stand my ground with Mason; it’s the only way with him. If I cave and go running back to him he’ll just keep breaking my heart.

“You ok?” Cole whispers in my ear.

I’m able to muster up a small smile, “I am now.”

He doesn’t ask what just happened and I’m grateful for that. “You ready to get out of here?”

I nod, Cole squeezes me one last time before he lets go. He reaches up and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. Once all my tears are dry he reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. Even though I only met Cole this afternoon I feel comfortable with him. Cole and I could become great friends; I almost feel like he knows what I’m going through. Maybe one day he’ll tell me his past. As for me telling Cole about mine, I don’t have a choice - he seems to be seeing it unfold right before his eyes.

As we start to walk off the dance floor I know Mason isn’t here anymore, I can’t feel him. I look over my shoulder in search of Jaylinn, I don’t want to be rude and not say goodbye, even though I know she would understand. She is still wrapped in Cooper’s arms, swaying back and forth. My heart aches and when she sees me she waves her goodbye and Cooper winks at me.

Our way back to my house its quiet, I hate it. It’s making me think of Mason and how badly I want to be with him. Locked behind closed doors where the real Mason is. Not the one everyone else knows; the bad ass Mason Cahill, the unattainable one. I want to run my fingers in his dark thick hair, stare into his stormy blue eyes, and engulf my body into his rock hard one.

“You want to talk about it?” Cole finally breaks the silence.

We’re about five blocks away from my house and those five blocks seem like miles away. I want to run into my bedroom, dive into my bed and bury myself in there for days until I can overcome this heartache. “No, I’m good.” I rest my head back against the headrest.

“He was the one, huh?” Cole questions.

I can’t answer him; I know my voice will tell the truth, so I just shake my head.

“I thought I’d found mine too. We were high school sweethearts.” He shakes his head like he can’t believe it. “We actually knew each other growing up, our parents were friends. It was like we were set up to be together way back then.”

He stops talking; he is staring straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel hard. I wait a few minutes before I ask, “What happened?”

Cole looks over at me, so many emotions flash over his face, “She broke my heart.”

We leave the conversation at that. He doesn’t want to tell me how and I’m ok with that because I’m not ready to tell him what Mason did to me just yet. We pull into my driveway and all the lights are off, except the front porch. We sit there for a few minutes, neither of us in a hurry for the night to end.

“Thanks for coming tonight.” Cole says, breaking the silence.

“It was fun.” And it was, until Mason showed up. All the guys in the band are a riot and I see myself hanging out with them again.

He laughs, “No reason to lie.”

I look over at him and smile, he can already read me. “It was, minus the two mishaps.”

He shrugs, “Yeah I guess you’re right. The guys really like you, too. We are playing again Friday night, you want to come again?”

I shake my head and he nods, thinking I’m rejecting him. “I want to, but my best friend, MacKenzie, Mason’s sister, is getting married Saturday. So I have to play maid of honor this weekend.”

“That’s going to be awkward.” He chuckles.

“Understatement of the year.” I mumble back. I should ask him now to be my date; it’s the perfect time although I should talk to MacKenzie first. I’m sure she’ll understand, I’ll promise her nothing will happen but I just can’t do this by myself.

I look over at him and he smiles that perfect smile. If it was another time and place, then I could see myself with Cole. “You want to be my knight in shining armor and be my date?”

He studies me for a few minutes, staring into my eyes, it causes me to squirm. Why is he staring at me so intently? There isn’t anything good inside me, it’s all tainted. Always feeling unwanted, unloved. My parents got a divorce because of me. Mom’s around and she’s great and all but she works her ass off to keep a roof over our heads. My sister blames me for them splitting. The only one who has ever made me feel special, loved, was Mason. But now I don’t even have that.

He reaches over and pats my leg, “Yeah. I’ll go. I may be signing my own death warrant but why the hell not.”

I squeeze his hand that is still resting on my leg, “Thanks Cole, and don’t worry, nothing will happen at MacKenzie’s wedding. I think everyone is going above and beyond to see to that.”

“No big deal, I was only messing with you. I could use a fight anyway.” Cole says with a wink.

“I’m sorry there’s so much drama that surrounds me. It seems to follow me wherever I go.”

“Hailey, really don’t worry about it. Everyone has their own share of drama. God knows I have enough of it to last me a lifetime.” I stare off into space for a few minutes. The silence is comfortable.

Cole looks over at me and grabs my hand. It’s not weird or unfamiliar.

“Cole?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want you to think I’m using you because I’m not. I’m just in a shitty situation. I wish I were in another time and place in my life. I’d like to see where things would go with us but I just can’t. You’re don’t seem ready, I’m not ready. So the only thing I have to offer is friendship.” I admit to him. I feel better for getting that off my chest.

“I know you’re not using me, Hailey. I get it; I really do, so stop worrying about it. Friends are what we’re going to be.” He agrees.

And so that was settled. Cole and I both laugh when I say “See you Friday”. Since I got flowers today that means if Mason keeps his deliveries as scheduled I will get more on Friday. Cole comes to my side of the car, opens the door for me and walks me to my front door. He kisses me on the forehead and leaves.

* * *

Thursday morning I text MacKenzie and see what she’s up to. I tell her I want to come over and see my nephew. We make plans for lunch and she promises to keep Mason clear from the house.

I stop by the toy store before arriving at the house. I know she’s going to yell at me for spoiling him but I can’t help it.

I pull into the driveway a little while later and get out of my car with my hands full of food and gifts. MacKenzie opens the door with Ryder on her hip. He’s so adorable. Head full of dark curly hair, bright blue eyes like his mom and strong features like his dad. There is no denying that he is theirs.

When MacKenzie sees that my hands are full she gives me a disapproving look. “Hailey,”

“Oh shut up, I’m his aunt and I’m allowed to spoil him if I want to.” I step up to them and give Ryder a kiss on his forehead and he starts to giggle and coo.

MacKenzie opens the door wider for me to step inside, we walk into the kitchen where I unload my hands and grab Ryder. I shower him with kisses from head to toe. Ryder is all smiles, laughs, coos, and flailing his little arms and legs all over the place. I feel so much love for this little boy; he takes my breath away sometimes, the way he gets into my heart. After I get my fix of him I place him into his bouncer, which is in front of the TV in the living room.

Going back into the kitchen, MacKenzie has lunch spread out on the table and is putting a sandwich on her plate. I walk over to the cabinet, grab a glass and fill it with ice. I look over at her and hold my glass up, she nods and I do the same for her.

We are sitting at the table eating our lunch, avoiding the elephant in the room. We have a truce in place not to discuss Mason unless I bring him up. She is just as pissed off at him as I am.

“So … I went out on a date last night.” I say as causal as possible.

“I heard.” MacKenzie says as she looks everywhere in the room but at me.

“From who?” I snap back. How can she know already unless Mason was here earlier, crying the blues?

“Mason.” She answers and finally looks in my direction.

I flinch at the mention of his name; it still stings every time someone says it.

I need to change the subject; I’m not going into details about last night with her. “So I found my date for the wedding if I’m still able to bring one.”

MacKenzie doesn’t answer right away. She’s probably trying to weigh up her options, deciding if me bringing a date is going to be suicide for her.

“I promise there will be no drama at the wedding, Kenz. Cole seems like a great guy and really handled himself well last night. There was no crazy shit going on, no screaming, and no fighting.”

She nods but still hasn’t said yes just yet.

“I don’t think I can handle being at the wedding with Mason. I know I have to walk down the aisle with him and all the other stuff, but having Cole there will make this just a little easier on me. I promise nothing will happen at the wedding, it’s all about you and Hunter. Hell, I can probably have you meet Cole tomorrow if you want. He’s been delivering the flowers every other day.”

Her eyes grow big as what I just revealed to her sinks in. “So that’s how you met him?”

“Yes, every other day for the last two weeks I’ve seen him. Last night he asked if I wanted to check out his band. I had a really great time. Weird that a Cahill wasn’t involved but still I had a good time listening to them play. Jay and I were out on the dance floor for a while too. If I would have known they were all going to be there I would have asked you and Hunter to come too.” I explain and feel like I’m rambling because I’m nervous of what she’ll say.