“Now I know you're really depressed,” he teased her. “It might even be terminal. Should I call the doctor?” He was playing at being concerned and he made her laugh, but she still looked sad as they lay in his bed. The baby's basket, covered in white lace, was already standing in the corner at the ready. Her due date was only two and a half weeks away, and she was still very nervous about it. So far, the Lamaze class hadn't reassured her, even though the information was abundant and useful. But the realities of childbirth still terrified her. But she wasn't even thinking about that tonight, she was just thinking about Steven and their divorce, and the fact that the baby had no father.

“I have an idea,” he smiled. “It's a little unusual, but not totally inappropriate. Let's get married on Christmas. That gives us three days to get the blood test and the license. I think that's what it takes. That and about ten dollars. I might even be able to scrape up the money.” He was looking at her tenderly, and although he was joking, he was serious about the proposal.

“That's not right,” she said sadly.

“What, about the ten dollars?” He was still trying to keep it light. “Okay, if it's more, I'll scrape it up somehow.”

“No, I'm serious, Bill. It's not right for you to marry me out of pity. You deserve more than that, and so do Adam and Tommy.”

“Oh, for God's sake.” He lay back in their bed and groaned. “Do me a favor, don't rescue me from myself. I'm a big boy and I know what I'm doing, and I happen to love you.”

“I love you too,” she said mournfully. “But it's not fair.”

“To whom?”

“You, or Steven, or the baby.”

“Would you mind explaining to me by what deviated, neurotic route you came to that conclusion?” Sometimes she exasperated him, especially lately. She worried about so many things, and she felt so obligated to be fair to everyone …him …and the baby …and even rotten Steven.

“I'm not going to let you marry me under duress, feeling that you owe me something, or have an obligation to help me out, or that the baby ought to have a father. When you get married, it should be because you want to, not because you have to, or think you owe it to someone.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you're nuts? Sexy …beautiful …great legs …but definitely nuts. I am not asking you to marry me because I feel an obligation. I happen to be madly in love with you, and have been for six months, or hadn't you noticed? Remember me, I'm the guy you've been living with since last summer, the guy whose kid you saved, and whose kids, plural, think you walk on water.”

She looked pleased by what he said, but she still shook her head. “It's still not right.”

“Why not?”

“It's not fair to the baby.”

He looked at her almost harshly then. He had heard this argument before and he didn't like it. “Or are you really saying it's not fair to Steven?”

She hesitated for a moment and then nodded. She felt an obligation to save him from himself too. “He doesn't know what he's giving up. He has to have a chance to understand that decision, to think it out clearly, after the baby's born, before I move on and shut him out forever.”

“The law doesn't seem to agree with you. They approved those papers, Adrian. He no longer has any claim to that baby.”

“Legally, you're right. But morally? Can you really say that?”

“Christ, I don't know what I can say anymore.” He got out of bed and paced the room, glancing at her, and almost tripping over the little white basket. “I know one thing. I've stuck my neck way out for you …and my heart …and my guts …and whatever else you want. And I've done it because I love you, and the baby. I don't need to wait to see it, or check it out, to decide if it's cute or not, or take my emotional temperature the day it's born. It is and you are and I am, and we are exactly what I've always wanted. I'm telling you that I want to marry you, for better or worse, in sickness or in health, forever. That's all I want, just the two of you. And for the last seven years I've been too damn scared to offer that to anyone. I've been too scared even to let myself think it. Because, as I told you before, I never wanted to care that much again, or have a woman walk out on me and take my children. This baby isn't mine, it's his, as you keep pointing out to me, but I love it as though it were mine, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to play games with you. I don't want to sit here waiting until he comes back, and takes back everything I've come to love. I don't think he will anyway, and I've told you that before too. But I'm also not going to sit here with my door open forever, waiting for him to come to his senses, or get bored with the bimbos in his life, and come back to you and the baby. As far as I'm concerned, Adrian, he can't have you. But if he does want you, and you want him, you'd both better make up your minds quick. I want to get on with our life, I want to marry you, I want to adopt that baby you've been carrying around in you for nine months while I feel it kicking. I'm not going to sit here with my heart and my guts wide-open forever. So if you want to talk about fair, let's talk about it. What's fair? How long is fair? Just how long am I expected to be 'fair' to Steven?”

“I don't know.” She was impressed by everything he'd said. And she loved him more than ever. She wanted to go to him now, but she still felt she had to wait. But he was right too. It wasn't fair to expect him to wait forever.

“What sounds fair to you? A week? A month? A year? Do you want to give him a month after the baby's born, and just make sure via his attorneys that he still doesn't want any contact with the child? Does that sound reasonable?” He was trying to be fair, too, but she was driving him crazy.

“I'm not going to go back to him,” she explained. There was no longer any doubt in her mind. But sometimes Bill wasn't as sure. He still worried about it when she talked about being fair to him. And women were odd sometimes about the men who had fathered their children, they gave them more understanding, more leeway. It wasn't that way with men, who could never be entirely sure who their children were. But women could. They knew. And he wondered if in some ways, she would feel bound to Steven forever through their baby. He hoped not. But she couldn't answer that yet either. “It's just the baby, Bill …it's just …”

“I know … I know … I understand …you just scare me sometimes.” He sat down next to her on the bed and there were tears in his eyes now too. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said softly as he kissed her.

“Shall we give it a month then? A month after the baby's born. We contact the bastard after the baby comes, we give him a month to change his mind, and after that we forget him forever? Is that a deal?”

She nodded somberly. It sounded reasonable to her, and it was more than Steven deserved. He had signed the termination papers after all …termination …dissolution …it sounded almost like a murder, and in some ways it had been. In some ways what he had done to her had almost killed her. But on the other hand, Bill had saved her. And for that she would be eternally grateful. In truth, she owed Bill far more. And yet …Steven had been her husband. It was all so damn confusing. To whom did she owe the greatest loyalties? To whom did she owe the most? To Bill because he'd been there for her …and yet …she hated herself for feeling torn, but she did. In her heart, there was only one. But in her mind, there were always two. And that was the problem. But they had agreed on a month after the baby was born. And that seemed fair to her too. And after that, the door would be closed to Steven forever. For her, and the baby. He didn't even know it, but she was giving him a gift of time and choice that he hadn't even wanted.

“And then you'll marry me?” Bill pressed her, and she nodded with a shy smile. “Are you sure?” She nodded again, and then looked down demurely and spoke in a whisper.

“I have a confession to make first.”

“Oh, shit. Now what?” He was at his wits' end. It had been a long night and he was tired.

“I lied to you.” He was getting worried as she went on, barely able to look at him.

“About what?”

He could hardly hear the words as she confessed. “I'm not really a virgin.”

There was a long silence, and he scowled at her with a look of immense relief as she suppressed a giggle. “Slut!” he growled at her, and then, in spite of himself and the remorse he knew he would feel afterward, he made love to her again, and when it was over, they slept peacefully in each other's arms until morning.





ADRIAN HAD THE DAY OFF ON CHRISTMAS DAY, AND they stayed in bed for a long time, dozing and snuggling and then the phone rang at nine-fifteen. It was Adam and Tommy, calling from Stowe, where they were skiing with their mother. They were both excited and full of life, and after they hung up, Adrian smiled and wished Bill a merry Christmas. They both leapt out of bed, and went to their respective hiding places and came back with their arms laden with brightly wrapped presents. His were all wrapped by stores, and hers were wrapped the way she cooked. But he loved everything she gave him. He was crazy about the television and the phone, and he put the sweater on under a red leather baseball jacket she had bought him just two days before when she was walking down Melrose.