“He threatened to return all of the Hermes clothes he bought for me.” She inhales deeply. “It was low. But I’ve moved past it.”

“Right,” I say with a smile. “Well you don’t need to worry. I’m not having sex with him.” Yet.

This should be the moment where I open up about my very first orgasm, where I share all the details. I’ve told them about these troubles before, so telling them about my success would be natural. But I keep that inside. Not just because it involves Ryke but because it feels attached to more things I can’t express to them anymore.

Night terrors. Sleeping.

I have no more pain medication, which means no more sluggish sleep for me.

I’ll be taking Ambien tonight, a pill that combats my insomnia but brings me to a dark realistic dream-state.

I’m nervous about screaming in the middle of the night, waking and worrying them. How do I explain myself?

Do I say: I can’t sleep at night because I think about the man who crawled into my room to snap pictures. I think about the paparazzi who’ve cornered me. I think about all the friends who hate me, scorned me and terrified me. I think about all the men who believe I’m Lily. And you’re the cause, big sis. You’re the reason I can’t sleep. If it wasn’t for your sex addiction, I’d be free. So fucking free.

You’ve hurt me.

I can’t say those words.

Not tonight.

Maybe not ever.

No one brings up Ryke again, but after one minute, Lily winces. “Ow. Don’t pinch,” she tells Rose.

“I didn’t,” Rose snaps. “Stop rubbing up against the rock.” And then Rose’s gaze drifts to me, and her eyes slowly grow.

“What?” I say. “I know you don’t like my haircut, Rose—”

“It’s not that,” Rose says softly. “Lily, get out of the water.”

“What?” Lily says, and then she follows Rose’s gaze. “Oh…shit.” Lily motions to my neck and then she turns and crawls onto the rock. The moment she does, I see, on Lily’s back, what Rose is internally freaking out about.

Leeches.

We’re swimming with leeches.

< 38 >

RYKE MEADOWS

I chug a water bottle after finishing my burger.

Lo tosses his dirty paper plate into the fire. No one mentions how long the girls have been, but with every pause in our switch of conversation, it’s the unspoken thing that’s said. We ate without them because none of us wanted to eat cold fucking food.

“Lily looks like she’s gaining more weight,” I tell Lo. She’s always really bony, naturally skinny and gangly, so it’s a good sign when she’s bigger. It means she’s getting healthy, not so consumed by her sex addiction.

“Her boobs are bigger,” Lo says, taking a sip of his water. He twists the cap, lost in thought for the hundredth time since the camping trip.

“Or Daisy’s are smaller,” I add.

Lo glares. “I shouldn’t even have to fucking say it.”

“What? That I shouldn’t be looking at her boobs? It’s not like there’s anything there,” I say the fucking truth, but I realize immediately that it sounds bad. I don’t need a girl to have big breasts in order to love her or find her attractive. None of that matters.

Connor arches his brow at me.

Yeah, this is exactly what he told me not to do. Fucking A.

Lo waves his plastic butter knife at me. “How many times in two years do I need to remind you not to talk about her boobs? Seriously? It’s fucking weird.”

Now I feel like shit. I keep reminding myself that she’s my girlfriend, but it’s really fucking hard when Lo is looking at me like I’m another Julian. “You were the one who brought up Lily’s tits. I didn’t say one fucking word about them until you did.”

Connor wraps aluminum foil over the plate of leftover burgers. “You just used a kindergarten argument,” Connor says. “The he did it first isn’t a good rebuttal.”

I swear they love to fucking gang up on me—probably because they know I can take it. “Thanks for the opinion, Cobalt.”

“Always,” he says. Then he checks his watch, glancing at the woods where the girls disappeared off to. It’s been a fucking long time. I start to worry about Daisy. I don’t know where she was taking Lily and Rose, but she could have easily climbed a tree and fallen off a branch. My heart plummets to my stomach.

And then Lo shoots off of the chair, tossing his water bottle on his seat. “I’m going to go find Lily.” He spoke the fucking unspoken words, and just like that we’re all standing, following Lo’s trail. We can leave the fire for a few minutes without putting it out.

Walking in the general direction of where the girls went, we hear the rush of water and figure Daisy would’ve been attracted to it. Voices echo the closer we near the stream or waterfall.

“It’s leeching all my nutrients!” Lily shouts. And Lo takes off, his walk turning into a sprint.

“Hold still,” Daisy says calmly.

Rose winces loudly. “I’m going to murder every one of these disgusting things!” Connor matches Lo’s pace, and I stay behind them, thinking Daisy’s fine.

When we come into the clearing, Lily looks like a deer caught in the headlights.

A naked fucking deer.

I try not to look, but black leeches are stuck to her abdomen and arms while Daisy tries to pry them off…who’s also naked.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her completely undressed. Last year. New Year’s Eve at Rose’s house in Princeton, Daisy had a scheming look on her face with this really playful smile. The countdown to midnight happened, and while her date, some fucking Abercrombie model, was about to kiss her, she avoided his mouth by starting to strip, backing up towards the kitchen with each discarded article of clothing. She said that the new year couldn’t start off right without someone streaking.

Her eyes were on mine.

Mine were on hers.

And then the model she was with—he cut in and helped take off her bra.

I grabbed him by the shoulder, instinctively, a gut reaction out of irritation and anger. I didn’t want her with this fratty fucking guy, a grade A douchebag. She finished undressing, and I caught a glimpse of her body before she sprinted outside, laughing in the cold. And then her date went off on me, yelling in my fucking face, and my date—she shot daggers at me from across the room, holding a champagne glass in a tight hand.

I can’t even express how many months we both tried with someone else. But even seeing her now naked another time, it’s different. My concern is at a fucking peak, heightened, revved to the max.

My brother has blinders on. He just goes straight to Lily without looking at anyone else.

Connor is already beside Rose while she stubbornly tries to pull a leech off her shoulder blade, refusing his help at first, and so Daisy is instantly pushed to the side.

Or rather, pushed towards me.

I grab her wrist and tug her to the tree line, away from the rocks, creek and waterfall. I spin her around so I’m blocking her from my brother and Connor’s view. If there’s any girl comfortable in her skin, it’s Daisy Calloway. The only time I’ve heard her freak out about being naked was during the fashion show, when she was stripped in front of complete strangers.

That fucking violent act would’ve affected anyone.

I’m not even sure how much it’s left a mark on her. Maybe she doesn’t either.

“Don’t they just suck the blood and then fall off when they’re bloated?” Daisy asks, eyeing the two leeches on her arms and the one that sucks her neck. Blood drips from underneath the leech’s belly. I glance at the other girls, and they don’t seem nearly as fucking bloody right now.

Connor answers Daisy, “You girls have too many on you.”

“I told you!” Lily shouts. “It’s taking our nutrients.”

“It’s not, actually,” Connor says.

Lo focuses on Lily’s back which has five fucking leeches attached. “How many diseases do these carry?”

I fucking swear Lily yelps in fear, like a wounded animal.

Rose squirms more fiercely now. “Get it off, Richard!”

He holds her shoulder firmly now that she’s conceded, and he pries the leech off with the pinch of his fingers. “Leeches can be used for medicinal purposes. Think, Rose,” he tells her. “You know this.”

She breathes through her nose.

To reassure everyone, Connor adds, “The girls are fine.”

“Should we burn them off?” Lo asks.

“No, their stomach contents will explode on the wound.”

“Gross,” Daisy says, poking at one on her abdomen. She slowly starts peeling it off and then stops as her skin pulls with it, the leech not detaching easily.

I scan her body quickly, my eyes falling to her back. Two on her shoulder blades, one on her lower back, none on her ass, but one on her calf. My stomach twists because I can tell she’s in pain—that these actually hurt to remove.

“I’m going to rip them off like a fucking Band-Aid, okay?”

She nods a couple times, not complaining. I start with the one on her calf, squatting, and she clenches my hair while I grip the leech and tear it off in one motion. The spot bleeds profusely. Fucking Christ. I wish I brought my water bottle to wash the wound.

I rip two more off from her stomach and her arms.

Tears brim her eyes. “Sorry,” she apologizes, wiping the corners.

I fucking hate when she says she’s sorry for her feelings—for stupid fucking things that don’t ever need apologies. I stand up and kiss her temple, knowing my brother is consumed with his girlfriend’s wellbeing. And I hold the back of her head and whisper in her ear. “You can cry if it hurts, sweetheart. It doesn’t make you a little girl.”

She lets out a deep breath. And her arms tighten around me. She places her forehead on my chest, and I reach over her shoulder to take off the last three on her back. She flinches, and only one of them bleeds after removal this time. I rub her head before pulling off my long-sleeve gray shirt. Cold washes over my bare chest, and I realize that she must be freezing. I fit it over her head, and it falls to her thighs, the fabric soaking some of the blood.

I rub her arm, creating friction to warm her body. “We’ll clean and bandage those at the campsite,” I tell her.

She nods, and then glances over at Lo, checking to see if he’s watching her.

Fuck it.

I lift her in my arms, cradling her. She smiles, despite her tears drying in the corners of her eyes. “We’ll meet you guys at camp,” I tell them.

Lo glances at me once, clearly noticing Daisy in my arms. This isn’t the first time I’ve cradled her. Nor will it ever be the last. I stare at him with a hard, unflinching gaze.

I did nothing wrong.

I just helped someone who I love—the same fucking way Lo is taking care of Lily and Connor is taking care of Rose. I’m tired of being shit on for doing the right thing with the wrong girl. The biggest kindergarten response pops up in my head.

It’s. Not. Fucking. Fair.

And then Lo does something surprising. He nods at me, almost like an approval, not quite, but almost. He gestures with his head towards the campsite. “Go.”

I do.

I leave with Daisy in my arms.

As I’ve done so many times before.

Maybe that’s why it’s not so fucking hard for him to accept this moment. When everyone pairs off, I become the only option for her. There’s no one else but me.

That’s how this all started.

But I think about Julian. I think about all the other fucking guys she’s been with. All the other women I’ve dated.

And I’m certain that’s not how this ends.

There’s no way I’m with her out of circumstance.

We chose this because nothing else felt right.

Nothing else felt as good.

Our greatest happiness has always been with each other.

< 39 >

RYKE MEADOWS

We helped the girls clean off their wounds with soap, and we bandaged them. Now they’re in sweatshirts and baggy pants, grouped around the campfire. Lily sits on Lo’s lap, her head to his chest. She keeps dozing off, but faraway howls from the woods and rustles in the trees startle her awake.

“What was that?” she asks with wide eyes, glancing over her shoulder.

“A big bad wolf,” Daisy jokes, her legs kicked up on my lap. Before we were together, she’d playfully do this, but I wouldn’t touch her. So I can’t put my hands on her ankles or pull her closer to me. I just have my hand on the back of her camping chair, watching her pick at a hot marshmallow on a stick. “Oh wait,” Daisy gasps, “he’s right here.” She tilts her head at me.