Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

As we walk out of the store, I thank him. He says, “You don’t have to. I'm more than happy to help.”

“Still, I wouldn’t want you to think I only want to hang out when I need something.”

He raises a hand. “I don’t. Besides, I asked you for something first.”

“That's true,” I say, smiling.

“That’s what friends are for,” he says, returning my smile.

On the drive back, I can’t help but think about those words, but specifically the one. Friends. Are we just friends? If we are, what we’re doing now seems strange. During the school year, we didn’t see much of each other outside of the classroom. Sure, we had our moments—groups at the pizza place, hanging out in the park or the mall—but it feels like there’s something more. Only he’s not coming out and saying it, and as much as I want to know, I don’t have the courage to speak up. Not after the first rejection. It’s not time.

Not yet.

I ask something else. “So, Heidi’s dating Brian, huh?”

Chevy sighs. “Yeah. She doesn’t know how to be alone.”

“How to be alone?”

“You know, always jumping from one guy to another.” He takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. “I used to feel like I constantly needed to be in a relationship. Looking back, it’s the only reason why she and I dated to begin with. And the reason why I stopped the cycle. I don’t want to waste my time dating just to date.”

What he says makes me wonder about his rejection. Was it a rejection or was he just being careful about relationships? Why couldn’t he have been up front about it instead? Then I would have known it wasn’t me. Wait. What am I saying? I still don’t even know if there is or could be anything between us. Nevertheless, I have to say that there is wisdom to his logic. “That makes sense,” I reply. “Why should you waste your time in a worthless relationship just to have somebody?”

“Exactly.” He gives me a smile. “Sometimes you need to be alone for a while, learn more about yourself. Then you’re ready again when an opportunity presents itself. Besides, I’d rather have a string of close friends than a string of ex-girlfriends. It might be nice to have somebody, but it’s better to be alone than be with the wrong person.”

I have spent plenty of time in between relationships to understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone. One thing I haven’t done? Learn anything about myself during those times. At least I'm starting to now. Better late than never. If Chevy is being alone on purpose, perhaps it is equally as important for me to be too, for the time being.

“Adrienne?” I turn to find him staring at me. The car is parked in Lyndsay’s driveway. When did we get back? “You drifted off there for a minute.”

I didn’t even realize how wrapped up in my thoughts I was. “Sorry. I was just thinking about what you said…I agree. Sometimes you need to be alone. Kind of like this summer is becoming for me, a learning experience. Discovering who I really am.”

He nods and looks down at the steering wheel. I lean in and ask, “Everything okay?”

He looks back, giving me a partial smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He’s not telling me the whole truth, but I’m not about to get into another serious discussion. “Okay, good.” I look down at my shopping bag. “Well, I’d better get to work.”

“And I’d better let you get to work. I will see you later though.”

He may be masking something from me, but he’s not masking his eager anticipation for tonight. He’s not alone there. “Looking forward to it.”

* * *

Kaitlin comes bounding down the dirt pathway from the barn in her riding outfit. She hops into my car, beaming with enthusiasm. “Adrienne! Guess what?”

“What?”

“I love horseback riding!” She claps her hands together and squeals.

I let out a light laugh. “Really? I never would have guessed.”

She rolls her eyes but keeps a smile on her face. “The horses are so sweet. I could pet them for hours.”

“Who else is in the class?”

“Paige, of course, and also Mindy and Jaclyn.”

“Mindy and Jaclyn? Have I met them?”

She fiddles with the window until she gets it to the right spot. “No. Paige just started hanging out with them.”

Her voice becomes less animated upon saying that. Instead of continuing along that line of questioning, I decide to go back to the part she was happy about. “Tell me about the lesson. What did they show you?”

She proceeds to recount everything they went over during the lesson on the ride home and the walk into the house. I’m glad to see her excited for something. I didn’t know whether she enjoyed the lessons or not the first time around. I knew she quit in the middle of August right before I came back, but I never found out why. Considering what I’m hearing, I can’t see her wanting to stop. There must have been a reason. Could it have been Paige’s new friends? I wonder what it was.

* * *

“That movie was epic!” Nathan says, holding out his hand for a high five. When I oblige, he moves on to Roger and Chevy.

This is the first time I’ve been around Nathan outside of school. On the rare occasion I met up with a group of people from school, it would usually be just Chevy and sometimes Roger. Nathan seemed to be consistently involved in some extracurricular activity. Being around him for just these short few hours, I’ve come to learn that he is quite a character. It’s too bad he has to move away soon.

“What did you think, Sheffield?” Nathan asks, turning to him.

“It was good,” Brian replies, sliding his arm around Heidi to hold her closer. She appears to be enamored with her new boyfriend, although I’m sure she would have been all over Chevy if she didn’t have Brian. Chevy seemed slightly less concerned with the situation knowing he didn’t need to make small talk. It may have been a combination of that and having both Roger and me with him.

“So, who’s up for some grub?” Nathan rubs his hands together, raising his eyebrows.

I check the time on my phone, then press my lips together. “I would love to, but it is getting late.”

“Oh man, come on, Adrienne,” he pleads. “You know you want to.” He winks. I have to hand it to him, he has a gift of persuasion, along with a fun-loving attitude that causes you to want to have fun too. Unfortunately, I can’t be bought tonight.

“I’m sorry, Nathan, I promised I’d be home by eleven.”

Chevy speaks up, “As much as I love a good midnight run for waffles, I am her ride.”

Nathan throws up his hands in defeat. “Okay, fine.” He points at us. “But you two are missing out.”

We all say goodbye and Chevy drives me home. It’s quiet for a couple minutes until I break the silence with, “Sorry you had to leave early for me.” I run my fingers through my hair. I left it down for the first time since graduation. For some reason I wanted to look nice, even though I knew nothing was going to happen.

“Oh, that was fine. I wanted to go home anyway.”

“Did it bother you to be around her?”

He is silent for a moment. “Yes and no. Yes, because she is an ex, and being around an ex is always frustrating. No, because she doesn’t mean anything. I never should have dated her to begin with.”

If he believes that, then why did he? I know what he said earlier, about feeling the need to be in a relationship. Why her? Why not someone else? Why not me? I say, “Oh,” before realizing it was coming out. I lift my hand to my mouth, but it’s too late.

“Oh, what?”

“Nothing,” I say quickly, turning my head to the window.

“Oh, no you don’t. I know it was something.”

I peek back at him and find him staring at me. I look away again and sigh. “I just…I guess I can’t see dating someone when they don’t mean anything to you.” When I look now, he’s staring forward at the road. “I know what you said earlier but…I mean, it just feels so…pointless?” His expression remains unchanged. I press my face into my hands. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, I was the one who asked,” he says quietly.

“But now you’re mad.”

He lets out a short chuckle. “I’m not mad. Just surprised by your straightforwardness.”

“It wasn’t my place to—”

“Adrienne,” he says, cutting me off. “You’re absolutely right.”

Huh? My head jerks up to look at him. “What?”

“You’re right,” he says, glancing over at me with a sad smile. “I was stupid, I admit it. I never dated a girl who meant something, because it was safer. Easier. It wouldn’t hurt if I lost her. No heartbreak.” He stops there as he pulls into a parking spot on the road in front of my house.

I look down at my hands. “I understand.”

“You do?”

I'm not sure what possesses me to, but I say to him, “I’m terrified of the same thing. It happened to me once and it hurt…a lot. I’m making sure it never happens again. But…I can’t always protect myself from getting hurt. Neither can you. One day you have to make a choice.”

“What would that be?”

“Either you don’t say anything, let them go on with their lives, or you speak up, risking it all regardless of the outcome.” I'm choosing the coward's way out, just like he was, hoping he would learn to take a risk someday. When our eyes meet, I want to say something now but he seems deep in thought. Something holds me back.

“You know what?” he says finally.

“What?” I ask.

“You’re so wise.”

I shrug. “I think I heard it on a TV show once,” I joke to lighten the mood.

He laughs aloud and I join in with him. His laughter trails off. “Thanks for coming.” He hesitates a second before reaching over to pull me into a hug.

“No problem.” I wrap my arms around him and hold on for as long as he lets me.

On Saturday, I am at Lyndsay’s lying face-up on her bed while she searches through CDs. It’s the first time we’ve been able to hang out since she started the job on Tuesday. She is enjoying it, but between that and the volunteer work, she is exhausted. I can’t help but wish I could work with her at the store. If only I wasn’t faking the other job, then maybe I could.

“How about this one?” Lyndsay asks, pushing play on her stereo.

“Cyndi Lauper? Pass.”

“It’s the perfect girl duo song! Come on!”

“Sorry, I’m not feeling it.”

“Spoilsport!” she yells, throwing a pillow at me.

“Ow!” I throw it back at her. “What can I say? It’s what I do.”

“You know, it’s been a long time since you sang by yourself. Nobody remembers it.”

I bite my lip. I don’t want to think about it. “I know.”

I can hear her let out a sigh. She knows not to push it. “Maybe I should just do a duet with Ben instead.”

“Like what?”

“We could always go with the classic Grease song.”

I groan. “Stop picking such typical songs.”

She throws her hands up in the air. “It’s karaoke! You’re supposed to pick typical songs. It’s an unspoken rule.” She skims through another pile of CDs and pulls one out.

I close my eyes. “I know, I know. I'd rather do something unexpected rather than the usual.”

She puts in a new CD. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Something like Toto or Steely Dan.”

“Then you should do one of those. As for me, I’m going cliché all the way.” She pushes play and a Madonna song comes on.

I sigh deeply. “What time is it?” I ask.

“Quarter after eight.”

“Okay, good.”

“What’s so good about it? We’re late.”

“I know. I’m just nervous about singing.”

“I don’t think you have to be nervous. Chevy likes you just fine.”

I prop myself up on my elbows. “Where’s that pillow I threw at you a minute ago?”

She holds it up with a grin. “You need to stop fretting over it and consider it as a possibility. You know I’m right.”

“Why? He didn’t want to admit anything.”

“Neither have you!”

I scrunch up my nose and turn away to face a movie poster for The Lion King on her wall. That poster has been on her wall ever since she was a baby. The movie came out around the time we were born. It was the first movie her mom bought her and she wore that videocassette out until the VCR ate it a few months back. The next day, Ben bought her the DVD. “Maybe you could sing ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight?’ with Ben.”